Twice in a row this week it has happened.
Twice. Wide awake at 2:00 A.M.
This annoys me.
I wake up suddenly and am wide awake and fully alert. I’m not groggy, I can’t go back to sleep.
I get up, wander through the house, checking to see that all lights are off and doors locked though I know I secured everything before I went to bed at 10:30.
The dogs are sleeping peacefully. If there was a disturbance of any kind, even the merest wandering teen walking down the sidewalk across the street, the dogs would alert the entire household.
The children are all in their beds, except for Little Bear, my youngest, who still finds it difficult to drift of without Mommy’s comforting presence. She is in my bed and sound asleep. Blonde curls swirling around a sweet, peaceful, pink cherub like face.
All except for the thoughts in my head.
The thoughts that wander, roam, and run wildly and noisily through my mind, no matter the efforts expended to tame and corral them.
The sense that I’m still standing in the middle of the crossroads, looking up at the signs pointing in all different directions and wondering which path to choose. Unable to move. There I am looking down each road, trying to discern anything that might help make my choosing easier. Any clues? None that I can see.
I’m the Tattered Princess, who conquered her own dragons without the aid of Prince Charming. Fled the fire of the dying beasts, barely escaping with my life and the lives of my little ones. I am safe, my most precious loved ones are safe, but what we once “thought” we had is no more. Whether illusion or certainty, the past no longer exists in the present.
The castle is in ruins. There is no gold in the storehouse. My kindgom is devastated and rebuilding it will be long and tedious even painful journey. There is no Prince Charming to swoop me up into his arms, toss me on the back of his magnificent stallion, or wonderful magic carpet, to make the journey into tomorrow easier and less troublesome, or to at least offer a drink and caress at the end of a day.
I stand at the crossroads wondering which direction to take, knowing I must take it alone. And…I most certainly do not want to go it alone.
I never wanted to go it alone.
But I’m content to travel whatever path is before me alone, if the other choice is one of lies, hypocrisy,cruelty, games and power struggles…or worse than all these…boredom due to being linked with the unadventurous and dogmatic.
I am sad.
I could have sworn that this fairy tale had a Prince Charming written into it somewhere. But he is nowhere to be seen. The only ones stepping up to the plate so far have been dragons disguised or those faint of heart.
I am tired.
Tired of meeting the suitors tasked with winning my heart only to find that I don’t have the requirements for the job they’ve designed. Tired of having them realize that the tasks ahead of them which are required to win my heart (be nice, be into me, be available, be reasonably intelligent, have a sense of humor, play well with others on occasion) are simply too grueling for them to endure.
I am surrounded by love but missing the one love I most wanted in life.
I experience this deep sadness of missing that one person I haven’t yet met…and may never meet….most intensely….
…at 2:00 A.M. in the morning.