2 x 2:00 A.M.

Twice in a row this week it has happened.

Twice.  Wide awake at 2:00 A.M. 

This annoys me. 

I wake up suddenly and am wide awake and fully alert.  I’m not groggy, I can’t go back to sleep. 

I get up, wander through the house, checking to see that all lights are off and doors locked though I know I secured everything before I went to bed at 10:30. 

The dogs are sleeping peacefully.  If there was a disturbance of any kind, even the merest wandering teen walking down the sidewalk across the street, the dogs would alert the entire household.

Silence.

The children are all in their beds, except for Little Bear, my youngest, who still finds it difficult to drift of without Mommy’s comforting presence.  She is in my bed and sound asleep.  Blonde curls swirling around a sweet, peaceful, pink cherub like face.

Silence.

All except for the thoughts in my head.

The thoughts that wander, roam, and run wildly and noisily through my mind, no matter the efforts expended to tame and corral them. 

The thoughts. 

The doubts. 

The sadness. 

 The regrets. 

The sense that I’m still standing in the middle of the crossroads, looking up at the signs pointing in all different directions and wondering which path to choose. Unable to move. There I am looking down each road, trying to discern anything that might help make my choosing easier.  Any clues?  None that I can see.

I’m the Tattered Princess, who conquered her own dragons without the aid of Prince Charming.  Fled the fire of the dying beasts,  barely escaping with my life and the lives of my little ones.  I am safe, my most precious loved ones are safe, but what we once “thought” we had is no more.  Whether illusion or certainty, the past no longer exists in the present.

The castle is in ruins.  There is no gold in the storehouse.  My kindgom is devastated and rebuilding it will be long and tedious even painful journey.  There is no Prince Charming to swoop me up into his arms, toss me on the back of his magnificent stallion, or wonderful magic carpet, to make the journey into tomorrow easier and less troublesome, or to at least offer a drink and caress at the end of a day.   

I stand at the crossroads wondering which direction to take, knowing I must take it alone.  And…I most certainly do not want to go it alone.

I never wanted to go it alone.

But I’m content to travel whatever path is before me alone, if the other choice is one of lies, hypocrisy,cruelty, games and power struggles…or worse than all these…boredom due to being linked with the unadventurous and dogmatic.

I am sad.

I could have sworn that this fairy tale had a Prince Charming written into it somewhere.  But he is nowhere to be seen.  The only ones stepping up to the plate so far have been dragons disguised or those faint of heart.

I am tired.

Tired of meeting the suitors tasked with winning my heart only to find that I don’t have the requirements for the job they’ve designed.  Tired of having them realize that the tasks ahead of them which are required to win my heart (be nice, be into me, be available, be reasonably intelligent, have a sense of humor, play well with others on occasion) are simply too grueling for them to endure.

I am surrounded by love but missing the one love I most wanted in life.

I experience this deep sadness of missing that one person I haven’t yet met…and may never meet….most intensely…. 

…at 2:00 A.M. in the morning.

5 thoughts on “2 x 2:00 A.M.

  1. Couple things… for the insomnia, have you tried a couple weeks of Melatonin? (not all at once of course). Try that to help regulate your sleep pattern again. Trust me – insomnia and I used to be best friends.

    Also, have you considered just letting go of everything – really letting go? Turn it over to a higher power – the tree outside, whatever – not the God that has been pummeled into your consciousness forever? But rather a loving one, forgiving, who only ever wants the best for you and your family? Maybe what you want isn’t what’s best for you. Maybe there are even grander plans in store for you than you could even imagine (and I can almost guarantee that) if you just step out of the way and let it happen.

    This works for me. Turn it all over to her/him/it and just let go. He/she/it is up all night anyway.

    Your mileage may vary.

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    1. Couple things…back…
      About the insomnia…it’s weird…I never suffer from it, usually, so the fact that I am now is very strange, especially when things are looking so up for me. I mean, work is great, the kids while demanding and hectic are no worse than the usual teen thing, I mean, I really have no worries there. The cars are running, finances are steadily improving, so I don’t get it.

      I usually take Valerian Root, but it might be time to add the Melatonin. And, good, I won’t take it all at once. Thanks for that tip!

      Letting go. Hmmm, guess if I had to let go of anything, it would be that I have to let go of the fact that I do so regret so much of my past choices. Especially the last decade. Combine that with the fact that there really is nothing I can do to change or mitigate the consequences or current realities due to those choices (but I still wish I could somehow) and you probably have an answer.

      As to the God thing, I never had the yuck God you are referring to pummeled into my consciousness though many tried in various ways, which is why I was such an anomaly in the church and why I fought the legalistic hoop-jumping demands so much. It just wasn’t authentic.

      Yeah, speaking of authenticity….maybe that’s where I start, because the lack of it somewhere in my life would definitely keep me up nights!
      🙂 Thanks for the thoughts. Gives me something to think about…when I’m wide awake at 2:00 A.M.

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  2. Haha – didn’t want to add to your thoughts in the middle of the night. LOL.

    Have you heard of “analysis paralysis”? I used to do that all the time – still do when trying to figure out what bicycle to buy.

    🙂

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  3. these thoughts and feelings are so beautiful, so personal, so delicate-
    thank you for sharing so intimately what many of us feel but cannot express adequately.

    Like

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