A Broken Heart

 

I know it is an idiom: The idea of a broken heart.  Your heart doesn’t literally break like some glass ornament that can shatter when it falls from the tree. It is merely an expression indicating great pain. Pain usually associated with the loss of a love.

I know this pain.

I know this pain intimately.

For me, this pain, while usually referred to in emotional terms, is one I experience on a physical level as well as on an emotional level. Most often, for me, it has been associated with the loss of a love, the end of a hope of a shared joy, the end of a dream that will never become a reality.  For me, mostly, this broken heart experience occurred when I finally realized that the relationship I thought I had was nothing like what I thought I had.  Broken hearts, for me, represent endings.

It is a very real emotional pain, but I also experience a tangible physical pain. It resides in my chest, just to the right of center and it feels like someone wedged a pick ax in at that particular point and is now trying to pull my heart right out from my body or, at least crush it so that it beats no more.

It is a physical pain as well as an emotional pain.

What I didn’t know, was that sometimes, a broken heart occurs for reasons other than lost, failed, or unrequited love.

A broken heart can occur sans the love between two humans.

A broken heart can occur when a dream that you loved, that you hoped for, that you worked for, dies.

Broken hearts might always be about love, but sometimes they are not about lovers.

Southern Oregon Single Parents Group Startup?

I’ve long been pondering something and I think the time to make this dream a reality is upon me.  I’ve toyed with the idea of starting up a single parents group that is more than just an opportunity for single parents to get together to date or do activities with their kids.  Opportunities like that abound already.  I have a vision for something more.  I have a vision for a group that caters to the single parent socially, but in other ways too.  I have a vision for a group that is a resource and a network for single parents to provide them the support they need in the tough adventure of parenting solo. 

I have a number of single parent friends, both male and female, who have sole custody of their children.  The other spouse has gone AWOL, disappeared or is somehow nonexistent.  These parents have the pleasure of not having to co-parent with an antagonistic other parent, but they also have the down side of never having a weekend or evening to themselves without having to pay for a babysitter.  They also have the added emotional burden of seeing their children struggle through the emotional pain of feeling abandoned by their other parent.  I’d love to create a group that provides resources for these parents so that they can find the counseling they need or desire at a reasonable cost (free if necessary).  I’d love to create a group that can provide quality trained babysitting for these parents so they can get away to shop without the kids or just have some of their own adult time. 

I also have a number of single parent friends, both male and female, who are on the outside looking in.  These are the parents who have, through divorce and circumstance, ended up being ousted out of their children’s lives by the ex.  The pain, loss and loneliness these parents experience is unbelievable.  I would love to create a group that meets the needs of these single parents too.

As a single parent myself, newly divorced, I was scared and had no idea how I was going to maintain my home on my own on a very limited budget.  Were it not for friends and even community professionals who cut me a deal every now and then, I would never have been able to make the repairs and improvements to my home that I  needed to make.  Things like changing a light fixture, installing a ceiling fan, designing and installing an in-ground sprinkler system and caring for plants and a yard, changing the oil in a car and maintaining vehicles are all things that can be overwhelming to the single mom and maybe some dads, who just aren’t handy and who don’t have the post-divorce finances to hire a professional.  I have a vision for a group that provides the training, the networking and the expertise of area professionals at a reasonable cost to those single parents who must watch every dime as they recover from the havoc that divorce can wreak in the life of a family financially, emotionally, socially and more. 

I’ve been a single parent now for three years.  It hasn’t been easy and I’ve struggled and stumbled much of the way.  Thanks to a wonderful support group of friends and family I’ve made it, but it hasn’t been easy.  I would have loved to have had a resource I could go to where I could connect with others in a similar situation, learn from them, get help with home maintenance or other needs, and not have to worry about compromising my already very tight budget. 

I have a vision for something more than just another social networking activity.  Maybe it’s just a pipe dream.  I don’t know. It just seems like it is the kind of thing that could really help make the difference in the lives of single parents and the children they love.   

Has the Wild Mind Also Died?

Have you noticed how non-existent I am here?  Like what’s up with that?  The Wild Mind gets on and posts a wimpy (at best) post about Michael Jackson and then disappears.  Hmmm, makes you wonder what I’ve been up to.  Or…makes you wonder if I died like all the rest of the celebrities out there.

Okay, rest assured I haven’t died.

Yes, I have struggled a bit with writer’s block due to the fact that certain someone’s might be reading this blog and trying to read between the lines and of course I don’t want them to get the wrong impression so I….*deeep inhale* ….need to take a freaking breath and just write what I want to write.  But also…and more importantly…I’ve struggled because my life is changing at light speed…due to my own initiative…thanks…and well…I just want to write about something more important than Fire Trucks and swimming pool pumps and hoses hooking up.  I mean, as fun as that is…it is so not where I live and other things are motivating me right now.  Sigh. 

The Wild Mind is in a Wild State of Transition….I guess?  Maybe? 

Or…The Wild Mind is simply being proactive and deciding to live life…instead of merely writing about it after the fact?

Okay…all of the above is true.

Here’s what you (you being anyone interested besides The Wild Mind’s Self) need to know:

* yeah, okay, I admit…life has been busy and rather than write about how I’m accomplishing my New Year’s Resolutions, I am actually out there accomplishing them.

* I’m done with dating derelict men who are unavailable emotionally and legally or who are simply looking for a one night stand(or lay).  I’m also done with spending time with anyone  who cannot demonstrate a  LOGICAL, RATIONAL, well informed and clearly articulated thought process when communicating.  Since this eliminates 97% of all men on the planet and especially those who post profiles on all the dating sites (and, yes, sadly I’ve tried them all), I ‘ve completely given up on the dating thing.

“Why?” you ask.

“Because” I say, “I have so much better things to do with my life.”

Yeah, that’s it.  I’ve decided to quit moping about my past failures.  I’ve picked myself up and dusted myself off and am reinventing myself and my life and my future.  I’m doing it because I can.  I’m doing it because I still have the energy and health to do it….and I am loving every freaking minute of it!  I’m.having.fun!

My mother was soooo right on.  I should have done what I wanted to do to begin with instead of being so worried about pleasing the world and getting married simply because it was the socially acceptable fantasy at the time.  Thank-you, Mom.  Even though you never saw the fruit of your labor with me while alive, understand that your words like seeds were sowed deep in me and took root…albeit late…but they have taken root and sprouted and there is a bountiful harvest for sure! 🙂  I’m finally figuring out what I’m about…what I want and it has nothing to do with the presence or absence of some nondescript man in my life. 

But it means I’m not having so much time to write, especially when it means that creative energy is spread out among 3 or more blogs,  4 children and one very viable contender for the Knight in Shining Armor Award.  (Okay, screw the shining armor part, he’s just very interesting, intelligent, attractive, real…and…well…the best part is that so far his actions match his words and that is never a bad thing).

Yes, if he passes muster, you’ll hear about it.  Until then, he’s only one who’s captured my imagination, sparked my interest and kept my interest far, far longer than most.  If he rides off into the sunset it will be because he didn’t like the fact that I wanted to ride my own horse instead of hitching onto his.  It will be because he wasn’t willing to move forward while I mounted my own gallant steed and caught up with him in a bit.  It will simply be because he wasn’t able to or man enough to deal with a princess who is completely in charge of herself and doesn’t depend on a dashing prince to achieve her dreams. It will be because he ultimately felt insecure around me instead of inspired and motivated to be the best he could be.  Somehow, this particular Knight, strikes me as being one who will make decisions for himself, and allow his Princess to make her own decisions, all the while as he’s got her back and spoiling her at every opportunity.  Not because he has to, but becaue he’s totally into her and not afraid to declare it.

Dashing prince or not, The Wild Mind will create her own Fairy Tale Happy Ending.   It will take an incredibly amazing and masculine and self assurred….even a bit arrogant…maybe cocky Prince to be able to roll with that. 

Can you imagine just how interesting that relationship might be?  Not your standard, let’s-go-to-bed-at-ten-and-do-the-same-three-things-we-always-do-in-the-same-order-at-the-same-time -like-a-circus-monkey kind of relationship now is it?

2 x 2:00 A.M.

Twice in a row this week it has happened.

Twice.  Wide awake at 2:00 A.M. 

This annoys me. 

I wake up suddenly and am wide awake and fully alert.  I’m not groggy, I can’t go back to sleep. 

I get up, wander through the house, checking to see that all lights are off and doors locked though I know I secured everything before I went to bed at 10:30. 

The dogs are sleeping peacefully.  If there was a disturbance of any kind, even the merest wandering teen walking down the sidewalk across the street, the dogs would alert the entire household.

Silence.

The children are all in their beds, except for Little Bear, my youngest, who still finds it difficult to drift of without Mommy’s comforting presence.  She is in my bed and sound asleep.  Blonde curls swirling around a sweet, peaceful, pink cherub like face.

Silence.

All except for the thoughts in my head.

The thoughts that wander, roam, and run wildly and noisily through my mind, no matter the efforts expended to tame and corral them. 

The thoughts. 

The doubts. 

The sadness. 

 The regrets. 

The sense that I’m still standing in the middle of the crossroads, looking up at the signs pointing in all different directions and wondering which path to choose. Unable to move. There I am looking down each road, trying to discern anything that might help make my choosing easier.  Any clues?  None that I can see.

I’m the Tattered Princess, who conquered her own dragons without the aid of Prince Charming.  Fled the fire of the dying beasts,  barely escaping with my life and the lives of my little ones.  I am safe, my most precious loved ones are safe, but what we once “thought” we had is no more.  Whether illusion or certainty, the past no longer exists in the present.

The castle is in ruins.  There is no gold in the storehouse.  My kindgom is devastated and rebuilding it will be long and tedious even painful journey.  There is no Prince Charming to swoop me up into his arms, toss me on the back of his magnificent stallion, or wonderful magic carpet, to make the journey into tomorrow easier and less troublesome, or to at least offer a drink and caress at the end of a day.   

I stand at the crossroads wondering which direction to take, knowing I must take it alone.  And…I most certainly do not want to go it alone.

I never wanted to go it alone.

But I’m content to travel whatever path is before me alone, if the other choice is one of lies, hypocrisy,cruelty, games and power struggles…or worse than all these…boredom due to being linked with the unadventurous and dogmatic.

I am sad.

I could have sworn that this fairy tale had a Prince Charming written into it somewhere.  But he is nowhere to be seen.  The only ones stepping up to the plate so far have been dragons disguised or those faint of heart.

I am tired.

Tired of meeting the suitors tasked with winning my heart only to find that I don’t have the requirements for the job they’ve designed.  Tired of having them realize that the tasks ahead of them which are required to win my heart (be nice, be into me, be available, be reasonably intelligent, have a sense of humor, play well with others on occasion) are simply too grueling for them to endure.

I am surrounded by love but missing the one love I most wanted in life.

I experience this deep sadness of missing that one person I haven’t yet met…and may never meet….most intensely…. 

…at 2:00 A.M. in the morning.

Do Tell…What Are We Seeking?

So, all of us are out here looking for something.  What is it we are looking for exactly?  Freedom, independence,relationship?  What? 

What defines a successful, fulfilling life?

Is it different for everyone or are there some common threads that we all agree on that cross race, socioeconomic level, culture and gender?

What really is the most important thing you are seeking?

What is it that you hope to obtain or accomplish during your life that if you do not accomplish or achieve it you will feel that you epically failed?

For me, a soul mate to fight over the last drops of Geritol and the comfiest rocker on the front porch would be a bonus.

Hmmm?  What is it for you? Do tell.  🙂