It’s late.
The house is silent except for an occasional groan from one of the two dogs shifting in their sleep.
I spent most of my weekend not feeling well.
I don’t think I was really sick. I mean, there was nothing obviously wrong with me, but I did not feel good.
It could have been the several nights this week that I awoke at 2:00 A.M. and stayed awake till about 4.
It could have been the nagging headache I had for three days straight.
It could have been that I believe that I have finally determined for myself just exactly how far it is and isn’t going to be able to go with the I.J. I always seem to get just roilingly (is that a word?) physically sick, when I am in a place relationally I just don’t want to be. Okay, well, I can’t say this has always been the case for me, but it is definitely the case for me in my post-divorce dating world.
Strangely, this really has nothing to do with him being or not being Mr. Right. It has nothing to do with me not being all that into him…although…truth be told, I just am not feelin’ it quite the way I hope I will someday. It has nothing to do with all the wonderful advice I got from my last post (although, I already had my mind made up before I posted that post). The I.J. is an absolutely wonderful guy…and if I were to make a list of all the things or “expectations” I would have of a Mr. Right, he’d hit them all, except for two.
Just happens to be the two that somehow are most important to me.
But, even that is not the really big issue here.
The really big issue is that I just want to do other stuff right now. And, I will go ahead and do the other stuff and it just doesn’t involve him, or anyone really, except maybe my children, and he will simply get tired of taking a back seat to me wanting to just take care of me and mine and will move on. It is probably as it should be.
I’m sure I’d be singing a different tune if I felt differently, but I don’t, and I do feel I’ve taken the time to see if he would grow on me.
I just don’t want to spend my weekend evenings out late with his friends and then recovering from it the next day. Don’t get me wrong. I love his friends and it is always great fun, but it just isn’t really the direction I want to go…and mark my words…if I go with him…we go his way.
But then what do I know…we haven’t talked about anything. (Remember those two important items? Yeah, well lack of any real serious conversation with any depth happens to be one of them. Ten guesses what the other one is.)
So, here I am now, for about the third weekend in a row feeling that I’ve spent my time doing really fun stuff, but not doing what it was I really wanted or needed to be doing.
And that is why I am up late now. It is as though I am dragging my feet about letting this weekend go.
Alright, there. Now that I said it, I can move on.
What do you think the odds are that I’ll sleep soundly tonight without waking up at 2:00 A.M. ?
The Wild Mind 