Roasting Chestnuts, Ringing Bells, Jumping Santa Merrily On High and Other Songs of the Season

Have you ever stopped to consider the lyrics of many of the songs we sing during this time of year?  I’m talking about the songs that are usually passed off as innocent children’s songs of Santa, elves, presents under the tree and reindeer on rooftops.  If you’ve read my posts on Handy Men and Their Tools, Hoses and Pumps, Fire Trucks, or Wood Deliveries then you might already suspect the direction I am heading with this.   Now that it is Christmas, and because I had a special request to get away from the depressing divorce stuff and do something much more fun and tawdry, let’s take a look at some of those holiday songs Wild Mind style.

To start things off, I suggest that the song, Up On The Housetop, by B.R. Hanby, is not as naively innocent as it appears.  Let’s take a look:

Up on the housetop reindeer pause (okay, this is starting to sound weird already.  I mean there is the couch, the kitchen, the hot tub and the bedroom, but the rooftop? With reindeer?)

Out jumps good old Santa Claus (Jumping

Santa? Sounds like a title from the movie section of the adult store)

Down thru the chimney with lots of toys

(What? Toys from the adult store? Not in my chimney!)

All for the little ones, Christmas joys (See! Size does NOT matter.)

Ho, ho, ho! (Wait!  Who you callin’ a ho?)

Who wouldn’t go? (Where?  To the adult store? I wouldn’t but that’s just me.  After all, I thought Santa made home delivery. Isn’t that what this whole reindeer and sleigh thing is about anyway? No, I said reindeer and sleigh, not reindeer and swing…but…wait…now that you mention it…)

Up on the housetop, click, click, click (very delicately stated but sleighs and reindeer don’t click, they creak, they snort, they groan, they…well, never mind, what do I know anyway? I’m not into sleighs and swings, housetops and deer, not much anyway.)

Down thru the chimney with good Saint Nick (oh, he’s good alright! But, again, what do I know, right?)

I could go on and on with this song alone.  It talks about filling stockings, begging Santa to “fill it well” and even later on talks about whips.  It isn’t as innocent a song as one might think. It isn’t the only song of this ilk either. Let’s take a look at some other holiday titles just for fun. 

We’ve all heard of the popular favorite, Jingle Balls Bells which accurately depicts the state of affairs (pun intended) after the Chestnuts Have Been Roasting on The Open Fire. Hmmm, nice and tender!

Then, of course, those who are single at Christmas might experience Silver Bells or have a Blue Christmas unless they can figure out a way to Ding Dong Merrily on High (which by the way is a pretty song, but the name?  Are you kidding me?) or Rock Around The Christmas Tree with a Boogie Woogie Santa Claus of their own. In that case, someone’s Bells Will Be Ringing.  Of course, for those who are desperate for some winter companionship there is always Dominick the Donkey (does it help that he’s Italian?), The Little Drummer Boy, Good King Wenceslas, Frosty the Snowman (though I hear he’s a bit frigid), and Jolly Old St. Nick (just be sure to stock up on  the Viagra, just in case). No one should be lonely with companions like these readily available and willing to spread a little Christmas cheer.  I would advise you to stay away from Little St. Nick, after, all how much fun is that? Of course, if you are into large group events, then the Parade of The Wooden Soldiers might be more to your liking. 

Now, for all my guy friends out there who are seeking female companionship because Baby It’s Cold Outside, I encourage you to consider Jeannette Isabella.  I hear she brings a torch with her when she comes. That might make for some Glad Christmas Bells! I also understand that The Sugarplum Fairies put on a good show.  I think for the right price, they might even dance.  And, men, if you are decent to your date and don’t expect her to go Over the River and Through the Woods, then you might end up being one of the lucky ones Driving Home for Christmas.

So, for all out there, however you choose to celebrate, I do hope you hear the Bells of Christmas All Through The Night.  After all, everyone needs their own Hard Rock Candy Christmas.  And, in all your festivities, whether on couch, in front of the fire, or on the rooftop with Santa in his sleigh, have a Wonderful Christmas Time and Don’t Forget To Feed The Reindeer!

P.S.  If you do try the rooftop, sleigh and reindeer thing, let me know how it goes.  I have serious questions about how that’s going to look when you have to explain to the insurance guy how the holes got in the roof and I’m dying to know how you managed to balance the sleigh.  I’ve had trouble with those parts myself.

 

Early Morning Wood Delivery

In my last post, which was admittedly of the blah, blah, click variety, I mentioned briefly that I was up at 6:30 awaiting a wood delivery.  If you read the first comment on that post you will note that Otto asked for clarification on the wood delivery. (I was so hoping someone would ask!)  This post is that clarification.

Clearly, Otto, living south Florida, has no need of the kind of wood delivery of which I speak.  In the Pacific Northwest, we have these contraptions in our homes called fireplaces, wood stoves and wood stove inserts (a woodstove inserted into the fireplace and venting out the chimney instead of a pipe up through the roof).  These contraptions require wood to work.  They heat the place up, making the home a warm and cozy place for all to abide and while costs of wood are increasing they are still cheaper to use as heat for an old energy inefficient home like my own. 

However, this wood delivery of mine is not to be confused with another kind of delivery known as the Early Morning Wood delivery.  This kind of delivery, like the other wood delivery, works in a certain contraption, heats things up and makes the home a warm and cozy place for all to abide.  This kind of  Early Morning Wood delivery is definitely, well, usually, worth waking up for especially if you have no regular Wood Supplier. If you have a regular Wood Supplier…that’s even better!  Since The Wild Mind does not have a Regular Wood Supplier this is NOT the kind of delivery I spoke of in my last post.  My delivery was quite a bit more boring and uneventful than the Early Morning Wood delivery which is anything but boring and uneventful if you are dealing with the right kind of Wood.

Of course, both types of Wood have issues that need to be considered.  First, the Wood must be adequately seasoned.  If it is not, then a phenomenon known as Wet Wood occurs and the Wood will not light long enough to get the Stove warm and heated.  It might light very briefly, but then it flames out before the stove has warmed enough.  Once the Wood has become Wet it won’t light at all and a certain amount of time must pass in order for it to be able to even light, let alone burn, adequately.  

Further, certain kinds of Wood provide greater satisfaction and heating warmth than others and this should be carefully contemplated when determining if the Wood is going to provide the heat and warmth you seek.  Some people prefer pellets because that is what their contraption requires.  Others prefer logs of madrone; a large, solid, thick red wood, that burns for hours and provides the warmest heat.  I personally am a madrone girl, but to each her own. I’ve heard Pellet heat can be every bit as comforting as the Madrone Wood.  Since I really don’t care to do the research on that myself, I will have to take the Pellet Users’ word for it.

Hopefully, Otto, this provided you with clarification on my own wood delivery, which was not the Early Morning Wood delivery I would have preferred were the right Supplier available.  

For all ladies out there who Heat With Wood:  If a Wood Supplier appears on your doorstep at 6:30 in the morning and he is reliable, trustworthy and able to continue to make delieveries then you should check his Wood to see if it is the type your contraption requires. Don’t forget to consider the cost; some Wood ain’t worth the price no matter what.  Do make sure it is well seasoned though.  Trying to light Unseasoned Wood is extremely frustrating and futile. The Wood might have some brief fun, but your stove will remain cold and your fire unkindled.  If everything checks out and is suitable to you, then my advice ladies, is: tell him where to start stacking!

“The Last Hose Supplier You’ll Ever Need” Responds to My Inquiries

Well, take a look at this!  I’ve received a response from that Online Hose Supplier that I mentioned a post or two back.  To see the earlier correspondences you will have to just scroll through the earlier posts.  I’m too tired and lazy to link them, sorry.  Here’s what that overseas supplier responded with:

Once again I thank you for your inquiry about the range of hoses that may suit your somewhat unique requirements.

Unfortunately I am unable to provide you with pictures of the hose and fittings I referred to in my last correspondance but I can assure you it is unlike any of the previously used hoses you’ve described. I don’t mean to be critical but I think that ,in the past, you have chosen lesser quality and much less reliable equipment than your quite specific requirements deserve.

As a sign of good faith, and to sate your curiosity, I have taken the liberty of arranging for a free 2 week trial of a second hand sample of the product and its associated attachements. Once I have received Customs clearance I will endeavour to ship these to your home address.

As the items mentioned are not new I trust you will handle all items with care.

Please do not hesitate to contact the writer should you require anything further.

He is, it seems, being honest and straightforward about the condition of the hose.  At least he admits the hose is not new.  That’s okay, since new hoses are incompatible with my pump.  My pump is an older model, still in excellent condition, requires little mechanical maintenace, and performs better than many of the newer models, however, the newer hoses just don’t seem to have the staying power my pump requires.  THS is also willing to provide a two week free trial.  He must be confident of his product or his salesmanship, or maybe both.

This brings up a few questions though.  Like, how free is free?  What is the small print?  Better yet, is there anything written in invisible ink I should be aware of?  What I’m most curious about is the “associated attachments”.  Sounds like there might be more to the bargain than a mere hose.

Online Hose Suppliers

This transition from Spring to Summer has already been an interesting one.  I do have the pool operating a month earlier, in spite of the fact that I had several setbacks with sanitation, pumps, filters and faulty defective hoses.  That is now in the past and I currently have a terrific hose that seems to be working quite well for now.  But I never want to go through that experience again, so I’ve set about searching for a hose supplier who will keep me stocked up on the perfect hose.  Since there are no quality hose suppliers in my area, I’ve had to look for suppliers on the internet. Of course, when you do this online thing, it is always important to introduce yourself, state what you are looking for and what needs you hope the sought after item will meet.  I followed all these protocols perfectly and have been flooded with many interesting responses.  Most of them fakes, as they were exaggerating about the length, width, quality, durability and flexibility of their hoses.  In addition, they were charging far too much for the very minimal and routine functions the hoses were capable of.  I decided not to settle, since dealing with my current (make do) hose is working better than I think any of those hoses would work.  However, I would like a real hose with a longer warranty than the one I am currently using.

Something very interesting entered my inbox this afternoon.  Here is the note from the latest would be hose supplier:

Dear Ms. Wild Mind,

Further to your comments regarding hoses. I am pleased to report that one of the hoses in question has been tested and found to be functioning to the standard you require.

This type of hose requires constant care and attention. May I suggest that you adopt a regimen of ongoing maintenance even when you are not using the equipment. There are several products readily available which, when regularly applied, will ensure that the hose remains useable over an extended period and will delay the inevitable withering and consequent perishing.

Respectfully,

The Last Hose Supplier You’ll Ever Need

This seemed very interesting to me, so I responded with the following:

Dear Mr. Last,

I am very interested in learning more about your hose.  I would be especially interested in the regimen of maintenance you suggest as well as the products you supply to prevent the inevitable withering and perishing of the hose.  I am unavailable to discuss this now, but would be willing to discuss this at length later this evening should you so desire.  Of course, before purchase, I am wondering if there is an opportunity to discover exactly the functionality of the hose in question.  My last hose was guaranteed to last a lifetime and began faltering in its performance in less than six months in spite of excellent care, maintenance and frequent use. As the result of this experience, I want to be very certain what it is I am purchasing, as you can well understand, I am sure. I am certainly willing to invest should I find that one amazing hose.

I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Respectfully,

Ms. Wild Mind

P.S. I am also well aware that every hose comes with a price tag.  I think it would be important to discuss the various costs of purchasing the hose earlier rather than later.  I would, of course, be interested in discussing sales price, taxes, shipping and handling fees and, of course, since we are dealing with an international transaction here, whether any customs costs or import/export fees exist. 

P.P.S.  I am perfectly able and more than willing to pay whatever rate is required for a hose of the type and quality I seek.  As you know many online hose suppliers are frauds and I would like every opportunity to discern that your hose is exactly as you say before signing a purchase agreement.

Hmmm, it will be interesting to see how this transaction turns out.

This Just In: The Wild Mind Finds A New Hose!

The world will be glad to know that I found a brand new hose that meets all my needs perfectly.  It fits, it connects, it moves liquid from one place to the other without breaking off or spilling out.  My pump worked beautifully the entire weekend.  Life is so good when you have a reliable hose you can count on.

Worthless Hose!!!!

The Old Worthless Hose

Just as I predicted in my last post, that worthless old hose gave way today. When I drove in the driveway after an errand tonight, I was anticipating a fun frolic in my backyard pool.  Instead, I noticed a flood of water streaming down the neighbor’s driveway.  I knew it had to be hose failure on my filter since the neighbors do not water their lawn. 

There is nothing so frustrating, disappointing and infuriating as hose failure at a time when you are so anticipating and relying upon the pleasure that hose will bring if it actually does what it is designed to do.  But timing is everything!  My hose failed just as I was anticipating a lovely evening swim.  The filter now cannot do it’s job properly and the pool has lost 4 inches of water in just a few moments. 

The New Longer Flexible Hose! Ahhh!

The hose spurted water in every direction completely flooding an entire area of my yard and my neighbor’s yard.  I did not receive the relaxing, enjoyable experience of activity in my pool.  Instead, I had to wait. 

Now I am tense, crabby, irritated and actively searching for a longer flexible new hose!  Breaking off and spilling out so do not work for me!

Summer Preparations–Lessons Learned

The Wild Mind has been busy the last four days working on getting ready for summer.  This readiness involves dealing with the contraption you see here.  No, it is not the latest model sex toy (wait, maybe it could be with just a little improvisation).This is a pool filter.  It connects to the pool by various hoses similar to the one you see in the picture.  There is a hose for outgoing water and a hose that takes in water from the pool to be filtered.  My contraption is old.  The hoses have not been replaced since I purchased the thing.  The contraption and it’s hoses get a great deal of use too, so it is critical that everything is in proper working order.  This morning (at times I can be a morning person) when I hooked up the contraption to the pool the hose that connects the skimmer to the pool kept breaking off.  In fact, it broke off so many times that by the time I actually started the pump up, it burst again, dousing me.  It was now too short to do it’s job properly.  There is also another hose on this contraption (wouldn’t you like to have two hoses for just such an emergency?). This second hose connects the pool to the filter (that big bulbous part of the contraption) .  This hose was far longer and more flexible than the hose that was splitting and breaking off.  I switched the hoses, the pump works beautifully, however that old hose is still an old hose and will within a very short time begin cracking and breaking off from the pool again.  This old hose segment needs to be replaced soon.

Six lessons learned for The Wild Mind: (no, I did not say “Sex Lessons Learned by The Wild Mind! Sheesh!)

1.  Old hoses will eventually need to be replaced when they are unable to perform the task they were designed for.

2.  Old hoses that remain long and flexible are far more useful for a far longer period of time.

3.  Old hoses that break off and become too short are worthless.

4. Hoses that spray stuff everywhere except the appropriate destination are annoying!

5.  Maybe there are times when having a spare hose around is a good thing?

6.  The Wild Mind really, seriously needs a new hose!  (Wait, I think anyone who’s been reading this blog for any length of time has already figured that out!)

Now where to find a decent, lengthy, flexible hose that will go the distance even after a tremendous amount of use?  Hmmmm.

Texts From The Morning After—The Saturday Morning Live Edition

Text conversation this morning from a friend who recently got stillettoed by the latest love of his life and spent last night drinking to get her off his mind:

Him:  Drinking Stillettos off my mind worked last night. I went 0-4 picking up on women.  Seems everyone has a b/f or two.  But the headache is great.  Did you find $20 in your underwear this morning?  I did.

Me: Really?  Wow!  You must have been firefighting last night.  Whose fire I wonder?

Him:  I don’t know. And no strangers in my bed this morning.  Can’t find my keys.  Can’t find my work badge.

Me:  Geez!  Do you still have your truck and hoses?

Him:  Let me check.

Him:  Dammit.  The truck is gone!

Me:  Holy Shit!  There is a great big massive RED truck parked out front of my house.  You should see the hoses on this thing!

Him:  That truck gets around.

Me:  Yeah, it looks pretty broke in.

Him:  Hey!  The truck gets polished up. 😉

Me:  Polished, yeah, but these hoses are in sad shape! Ooops!  The horn works.

Him: Those hoses will get the job done.  Don’t you worry girl.

Me:  Hmmm, no firemen on board, so it’s not looking good.

Him:  They don’t know where the truck is either.

Me:  That’s too bad.  I’m such a morning person too.  Dammit!

Hmmm, seems someone has a fire truck fixation going.  Ah, well, might be better than that chicken issue a while back.

Finally, I Found An Uber-Skilled Handy Man!!!

Seriously?  Check this out!  If this guy can really use his tools the way he’s demonstrating here I’ll bet things never get dull in the home repair department.  I want him to marry me and have my next four children!!!!  (Oh, man!  I so know I am going to dream about him tonight! Not the thing to be watching  or blogging about just before bedtime!)

Insomnia–In Six Sentences or Less, More or Less

Wide awake while everyone else is sound asleep.

Tossing and turning, physically and mentally, I get up to get a drink of water and turn on the computer.

I should read a book instead since the computer won’t help me sleep and reading a book in bed is warmer.

I could have used a really wild, blow-your-brains out party last night. 

Not really.

I don’t party, I’m not like that, but I could have used something last night or early this morning or right now.

 

Or…how about this…

 

Silence greets me in the still morning hours.

Everyone slumbers while I lie awake tossing, turning, unable to doze.

Getting up, I choose the computer instead of a book, I need to post something here today anyway.

I approve some comments, play with words, begin to feel that sweet drowsy feeling creep forward from behind my eyes.

I’m going back to bed.

Last one there’s a rotten egg!!!! 😉