Hello? Anyone out there? I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked. I’ll totally understand if what I have to say floats out there like a balloon freed from the wrist of a toddler. It floats freely, lazily, disappearing eventually. None notice and none remember.
I’m okay with that.
After all, since my very long digital silence, I’ve come to one conclusion: I must write for me and only for me. Anything else is pandering to a crowd that likely doesn’t exist.
I’m okay with that.
I do not feel like this today.
I do not feel like this today.
I do not feel like this today.
I feel more like this. 
The reason is because when I tried to do this:
I ended up with a wonderful (to me) post about my upcoming high school graduation. And then somewhere between writing it, proofing it, reworking it and looking for pictures for it (who would think finding pictures of my small home town back in the 80’s would be so tough?) I decided against posting it. I had second thoughts. Something inside me said wait a day or two. Something else inside of me shrieked, “But I need a post today!”
Now, I am out of this:
And I have so many of these:
My writing time expired long ago and my day is mostly gone. My butt hurts and as any good writer knows, no good writing happens with a sore butt. I must give it up for today.
Further, Number 3 still wants to go to the skate park. I still need to work out. Fortunately, I have dinner figured out for tonight. I won’t be getting that load or two of stuff to the Goodwill today, I’m afraid. Did I mention I haven’t showered in a long, long time, like days. I can’t remember…
I’ll just have to try again tomorrow, because I promised Number 3, I’d take him to skate park if the weather is good. The weather is good and a promise is a promise.
Some days are just like this, I guess.
I just read an article that Momlogic posted titled, “Sandra Didn’t Believe the Background Check”. I love Sandra Bullock. I’ve seen just about every movie she is in since way back in the Speed and Hope Floats days. I am sorry to hear about her recent disappointments as I am when I hear about anyone in The Land of Fame Excess, as Miley Cyrus puts it, experiencing heartbreak or humiliation. I do feel for our celebrities when it comes to the fact that they live in a fishbowl and not necessarily a kind one.
The article at Momlogic, however, made a generalized statement that I take issue with. I thought about posting a comment to the thread on Facebook, but decided this would make a great post. So, here I am.
The statement, "It’s an old adage, but if you want to predict someone’s future behavior, look no further than their past behavior" is a broad generalization that doesn’t take into account the vast potential each human being has at any point to turn their life around and make radical changes. Clearly, I don’t agree with it. If it were true, AA wouldn’t work, Weightwatchers would have no success stories and a boatload of therapists would be unemployed in this country instead of making good money. We certainly know that AA and Weightwatchers possess numerous success stories that speak of changed lives. As for the therapists, I live in a very small city of 60,000 people and we have no less that two city blocks filled almost exclusively with counselors offices. The locals call it Therapy Row.
I also don’t agree with this statement because the experience of my own personal history which, were I to be judged by it, would condemn me to a lonely and loveless future because my future consists, according to this flawed logic, of me repeating the same very serious and sad mistakes I once made and, one would infer, who is going to want to be part of that? Now, while I am single, I am anything but lonely. My life is certainly not loveless, and I will in no way repeat the same sad mistakes of my past. In fact, if anything, I am the person standing in the middle of the road before it drops over the edge of the cliff telling drivers to turn around and go back. The logic of this particular adage simply doesn’t jive with the fact that human beings do have the ability to learn from their mistakes and to decide to behave differently.
Whether Jesse James had any desire or inclination to change or even said so, is anyone’s guess. My take is there were probably other more current clues indicating that things really hadn’t changed which Sandra Bullock might have ignored. Who knows? Sandra made whatever decisions she made, based on whatever information she had, did not have, or chose to ignore. People can and will speculate all they want about celebrities and Sandra and Jesse seem to be top of the list these days. That’s probably something that will never change. Only Sandra and Jesse know the complete story. Why should the rest of us care?
While I agree that the past is significant and should be taken into account, I disagree that one’s past automatically predicts their future. I know too many people personally who prove this theory wrong by their present existence and their stories of conquering their past mistakes, poor choices, addictions, or horrors, and changing their lives for the better. I am one of them.
I awoke early Tuesday morning with my throat so swollen and sore I couldn’t swallow, mucous streaming from nearly every orifice above my shoulders. I could not utter a sound that was even recognizable as speech. My daughter felt much the same. I knew I needed to call in a sub. Two days later, most of it spent sleeping and reading (I certainly had no energy for anything else and the reading was pushing my limits), I think I might be well enough to return to work tomorrow. The book I managed to devour between naps was, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, by Wallerstein, Lewis, & Blakeslee. I’m warning you. It isn’t a cheery read. In fact, I had tears streaming down my cheeks at points.
I stumbled across this little find at my local book exchange. I’m always up for reading some research (yeah, I’m kind of nerdy like that), especially about families of divorce, stepfamilies and how all of this impacts children. (Maybe because it is just a little close to home for me?) This one billed itself as a landmark study because it was the only one that tracked children of divorce from the time their parents split up until they reached full adulthood. It was a 25-year-study. Since I work with kids and their parents many of them divorced and re-married, and since I myself am the child of divorce as are my own children, I thought this might be an interesting read. It was indeed interesting, but it was not cheery. Wallerstein’s findings are sobering, relevant, deeply saddening, and yet more hopeful than one would expect.
I would recommend that anyone considering divorce, in the process of divorce, or now in the post-divorce family read this book. I wish I’d read it 4 years ago. It would have helped me support my children more effectively through the divorce process. Of course, to be honest, I was so stressed and fragmented (as many who undergo divorce are) that I’m not sure I’d have read it. Which just underscores a significant aspect of this research. The book also details children’s perspectives of parenting plans, remarriage, step-parents and life after divorce.
The most salient point of Wallerstein’s study, for me, is that no matter when the divorce occurs, no matter what the reason for the divorce, and regardless how amicable or not the divorce is, risk factors for children significantly increase while protective factors that were in place when the marriage was intact are diminished. I don’t think this is new news for any of us, but Wallerstein was able to get behind the eyes of the children in this study and reveal how that reality impacts and shapes children of divorce. She (Wallerstein) does not draw from this conclusion that divorce should never happen. The author does conclude that we’ve just not been aware of the impact divorce has on children from the child’s perspective until now. Maybe now, we can begin thinking more about divorce from the perspective of not just what works for the parents, but what works for the children throughout all their developmental levels. Wallerstein goes on to mention that the debilitating impact of divorce is often not evident until children reach adulthood and begin to enter into relationships and marriages of their own. In other words, divorce has lasting effects on children, no matter how good things appear on the outside. (Personally, I suspect most of us parents know this. We just feel uncertain as to how to deal with this reality.) These are just a few of the highlights I’ve gleaned and tried to summarize, and which were significant to me as I devoured her over 330 page book. Oh, and the book does include specifics about the research design and the statistical results of study for those who are interested.
As for me, it was impossible for me to read this book casually without some serious personal introspection. I am, after all, the mother of four children, all of whom experienced divorce, two of them when they were in elementary school and two of them when they were in preschool. This book forced me to look at myself and my parenting since the divorce. I’m asking myself questions because, if I’m to be the best support for my children that I can (and diminished parenting is cited by Wallerstein as one of the biggest perils of divorce), then I must take inventory.
Some of the questions I’m grappling with are:
And there are more questions lurking within.
I’m really not depressed and I’m not beating myself up as a parent after reading this study, but, like the veil being lifted, I certainly see some areas I need to work on for my children’s sake. I also see some areas that I’ve done well, which is reassuring. It has certainly given me a great deal to consider regarding my parenting, dating as a single parent and, if it ever arises, the idea of remarriage. We grow a little at a time all throughout our lives. This book just revealed some areas that I think I need to check up on.
As I re-read this post, I realize I’ve only shared the down side aspects of the research. There is much cause for hope and encouragement as the result of Wallerstein’s work. I don’t want to be a spoiler, so you’ll just have to read it for yourself.
The Wild Mind 