Last night was movie night. At my house, my kids and I have recently discoverd On Demand movies. This is where you choose the movie you want to watch, pay a fee and watch the movie. It is certainly cheaper than buying the movie, more convenient than running down to the local video rental store and renting it and since I’ve lost the last movie I rented from Netflix, it’s what we are doing now to provide the programming for our movie night.
Last night’s pick was dictated by the 18-year-old and me since we were the only ones watching. She chose “He’s Just Not That Into You”. It was a cute movie and showcased a number of dating disasters which we’ve all probably encountered or created regardless of our place in the life cycle. One of the overriding themes of the movie,however, was the tendency that women have to overlook the obvious and hope for the best in a relationship. I call this tendency the tendency to make excuses for men’s bad behavior.
If a guy doesn’t call he’s not interested. If he doesn’t want to have sex with you he’s not interested. If he doesn’t want to be with you he’s not interested. These were some of the main points of the movie. I happen to agree with them. But many of us women, make excuses or create fantasies about how he could still be into us and be unable to call, not be interested in us physically, and not want to spend time with us. He’s busy, he’s tired, he’s got a lot of stuff to do at work.
I used to make these very same excuses for the people I dated. I no longer do this.
If he says he’ll call and he doesn’t I waste no more time thinking about it. I have all the information I need.
If we’ve been dating for a while and things are still platonic, that’s great, but he’s not in the candidate pool for next romantic partner where I’m concerned and I don’t spend a lot of time wishing or wondering when he’ll make the move to take the relationship to the next level. He won’t. I won’t let him. He’s not interested. I get it.
If he says he’s into me but continually makes time with the guys or work more important than spending time with me, I no longer spend much time or energy on this. He’s not into me. If he is, he’s not enough into me. I’m not wasting any time wondering why or wishing things were different or making excuses for him. He’s not into me, that doesn’t work for me. Next!
These are relatively easy ones to figure out though. The tough ones are the ones where every thing seems good on the surface: he calls, you spend regular time together, he’s indicating sexual interest. It seems like a relationship. But something doesn’t quite sit right. Maybe it’s the fact that he said he’d call at noon and he ends up not calling till 4 or 5. Maybe it’s that he said he’d see you in a few hours and six hours later you still haven’t heard from him. He does the minimum expected relationally to keep you from calling it quits but he doesn’t quite demonstrate the kind of caring, considerate interest that we all know a guy would demonstrate if he were into a gal. These are the tough ones to figure out when you’re caught up in one.
It is hard to leave a relationship that isn’t working. We don’t ever do it unless we have to because we all love the companionship and we hate the Friday and Saturday nights alone or with strangers. We are wired for that intimacy and connection that a good love interest can provide. However, when it goes sour it is painful and like getting a shot or going to the dentist we fight it.
I have a friend who is currently going through this situation. She’s been dating the guy for a year and a half. Here are the facts as I know them:
- They’ve been dating for a year and a half.
- He was scheduled to move in over a month ago, to date, he still hasn’t moved his stuff over nor are they any closer to joining households than they were a month and a half ago.
- He routinely says he’ll be over in a couple of hours, four, five, six hours later and he is still AWOL, and hasn’t called.
- He chooses time with the guys over time with her consistently.
- He leans on her financially and bails on his part of the financial obligations.
- He says all the right stuff, but doesn’t do enough of the right things.
- To my knowledge, other than moving in together, which doesn’t seem to be happening there has been no further discussion about moving the relationship to the next level, a conversation my friend would really like to have.
This is the guy I call Mr. Options. In my opinion, this guy is stringing my friend along, getting what he wants out of her but holding out in case something better comes along. It wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out exactly what I think of this behavior on the part of the guy. I also bet you can guess exactly what my advice would be to my friend.
Yep. You guessed it. She ought to ditch him and move on.
But she won’t, because she’s still in the denial stage and making excuse after excuse for him and accepting his paltry statements which are unsubstantiated by his behavior as adequate proof of his interest. He’s not interested enough. Raise your standards, girlfriend. You’re so worth so much more than that.