Just A Little Update

I’m just exhausted tonight.  Single parenting, like everything else in life has it’s moments of being really great and not so tough as well as moments where you feel like you’re sludging along up hill pulling a heavily loaded cart with no wheels.  My single parenting experience of late isn’t so bad except that it is so very solitary. I’d elaborate on this, but I’m just too tired.  Even now, I’ve typed and rewritten words three or four times already.

I had a full and fast paced day at work then errands after work.  A two and a half hour end-of-the-year concert  with my two oldest daughters performing ended the day.  I just walked in the door and it is after 9:30 p.m. 

It was a great day but it was a busy day. 

I would love to post some things tonight. I’ve been thinking about the directions I’d like to head with this blog, but I’m too tired to give anthing any good thought right now.  I’ve got a couple of projects I’m working on, but I’m falling asleep at the computer, so it will have to keep for now. 

That’s my update.

Life Rocks! Don’t Give Up!

My day so rocked!  I mean I kicked it from beginning to end instead of it kicking me.  Me, kicking it, has become the norm lately instead of the sad state of affairs I was in last summer with no money, no transportation and, well, post-divorce realities staring me down like a mugger in a back alley at night. 

So all excited as I was, I spent 40 minutes writing this great post, at the end of which I realized no one was going to care about but me, so I drafted it instead of publishing it.  I hate when that happens!

Now I’ve used up most of my writing time for the evening on a post I can’t even go back and see that no one commented on, and, well, I hate when that happens too!

I also have so much to say and write about because, seriously?, right now, life is so on  for me that it is exciting and, well, almost as much fun as those days in my early 20’s when everything was colored with hope and possibility. 

Three months ago, I would never have believed (though I would have still hoped) that I could actually ever experience that optimism I experienced as a 20-something adult.  You know, the experience of waking up every day thinking it was an adventure, that the possibilities were endless and that you had your whole life ahead of you.  Do you remember those days?  The hope?  The optimism?  The confidence? 

Those days have returned to my life and I can’t tell you how good it feels to be back in the game again. 

And, look, if you’re out there thinking life’s passed you by or your winnings have been gambled and lost, think a-freaking-gen!  Life turns on a dime.  It might not look good now, but if you give up now it sure isn’t going to look any better than it does right now!  Keep putting one stupid, boring , unproductive, worthless (or seemingly so) foot in front of the other and guess what?  One day, that tunnel somehow seems a little brighter.  Then, a bit later on, you actually can discern a light at the end of said tunnel.  At that point, things get easier, you can see the light getting brighter and brighter and then suddenly everything for you begins to just go crazy in your favor.

The reality of life is this.  We are all going to have our rainy days.  Some of those days will accumulate into the longest freaking winter of our lives.  We’ll want to die, give up, cave in, drink or self-medicate.  We’ll feel like losers and that we screwed up and there is no hope.

But …

there is always hope.  There is always tomorrow.  There is always another chance to try again or to continue doing what we know we have to do to get out of the pit we dug for ourselves…or maybe…that someone else dug for us.

Today is not the day to give up. 

Today is the day to press on and keep going because there are better days ahead. 

Hang in there.  You’ll make it!

Life rocks!

(If it doesn’t now, give it a while, it will soon!)

Where Is The Wild Mind Tonight?

There are two times when I find it most difficult to really write.  The first is when I look at the blank white space on the computer screen and my normally overactive mind and imagination go abnormally awol on me.  I hate that.  White space on the computer screen.  Dead space in my head.  Inactive fingers on the keyboard.  It sucks.  Those times make me feel stupid and unimaginative.

The other time is when I have so much I am thinking of that I can’t sort any of it out in any coherent form that a reader could identify with, let alone read and understand.

Tonight, I am dealing with the “too many ideas” scenario instead of the “nothing at all” scenario.  This week was full of amazingly humorous and poignant events all of which merit some serious fabrication in the retelling…just to make a point.  Yet here I sit, stymied by the plethora of possibilities!  It also sucks.

So, tonight, I share in bullet points, as a way of sorting for myself but also as a way of communicating what a really rich “life filled” week I experienced.  My intent is that this post will serve more as a jumping off point for me for future posts than as a real valid post tonight. (Whatever a “real valid post” is.)

This week…things to remember and ponder include…

  • I’ve really revised my perspective on men “going silent”.  Since I yelped about it so much in previous posts here and at my other blog “Welcome to CABsPlace”, I suppose it bears some discussion, but not much. 
  • Death, two friends experienced the death of relatives this week.  Death is a reality that began facing me straight up with the death of a very dear college friend just three months after we graduated, followed shortly by the death of my adoptive dad, my biological dad, my grandparents, and my mother. I’ve also been “privileged” to be the teacher of a student who died…the year they were in my class.  I think it might be God’s way of dealing with my own personal fear of a reality we all must face, sooner or later. Whatever it is, I’m now more able to comfort those who are dealing with loss than I’ve ever been.  This, I think, is a good thing.
  • Dating, wow!  My attitudes, perspectives and goals have changed tremendously in the last year.
  • Life, my future, my present, personal goals and dreams.  I’m changing and growing so much and the pain of this last year and a half seems to be finally bearing some fruit.  I guess the analogy is, I have been through winter, now things are thawing…and Spring is around the corner.  Some stuff in my life is really beginning to blossom on a professional level as well as a personal level. 
  • Tawdry fun…yes…there were plenty of every day occurences this week (namely the firefighters that visited with their BIG fire truck) that made me think fondly of all my slightly naughty friends here…there were just so many analogies that I was able to devise from that one event.  Just know I was thinking of you all!  Look for the post about Fire Trucks!  LOL! 
  • Music, goals, life, dreams, fairy tales, the whole ball of wax…there’s just so much to enjoy and angst about it life and a lesson everywhere you turn. It must be written!

And that is where I am tonight.  I hope to write it all, because that is what I am about…but I must also balance the writing with the living…and right now…there is so much to live!

Tahiti On My Mind

skiingonglassSo, you know how life is?  You cruise along and everything is really chill and you are making forward progress toward all your goals.  You have your game on and you are kickin’ it. You are just moving through life like water-skiing on glass.  It’s a complete breeze.  All you have to do is hold on to the rope and you don’t even need both hands.  Jumping the wake is effortless and every single time you land it cutting sharp with rooster tail flying.  Life doesn’t get any better than that!

We all know life turns on a dime though.

In the water-skiing arena of life all it takes is that submerged rock or floating log that the driver of the boat didn’t see or that edge you catch because you aren’t paying attention and then suddenly you are hurling over water at nearly 34 miles an hour which is breakneck speed when you are wearing almost nothing and the surface of the water is throwing you back into the air like a red rubber bouncy ball on cement.  It’s simply no fun.  In fact, depending on the wipeout, and I have had a few of these, after the motion stops you wonder if you are, first, still alive and second, how badly you might be bleeding. Hitting glass at that speed is like jumping onto the freeway from a car traveling the speed limit.  It hurts…bad!

But then life isn’t just the water-skiing thing happening in isolation.  In real life you could be water-skiing, but then someone says something and another person sends you an email and a kid looks up at you and asks you the most random question or you have someone new enter your life you totally pushes your game and suddenly there you are…

hurtling buns over teakettle…

bumping…bouncing…skidding…slamming…hurting…gasping…reeling…

waiting for it all to stop. Wondering if it will stop. And you can’t do anything to make it stop.

Yeah.  That’s pretty much how life can be sometimes.  And that is exactly how my life has been.

So, let’s go over the skiing on glass experiences:

Two years ago I left Ex #2, who was emotionally, spiritually and verging on the point of physically, abusive.  To put it kindly, he was a very cruel, selfish, immature, irresponsible, manic/depressive and unkind person. I got out of that marriage and managed to keep my health, home and some of my stuff but I ended up having to take on all the marital debt.  Because why?  Because during the marriage, I was the one with the rockin’ credit score and he couldn’t even beg bread on the corner so everything (credit wsadness_1_ise and I was worth a decent amount…then) was in my name.  I was smart enough on one level to never combine accounts with the man, but in the end, that also killed me, because those are the debts I am now paying off.  Sure, I could have fought for a judgement that forced him to pay half, but he wouldn’t have paid it (I know this man well) and that would have screwed my credit score and my ethics. It wasn’t a risk I was willing to take. So, Ex leaves with no obligations, I carry on with all of them.  As the marriage goes, so goes the divorce. 

True, he goes home to live with mommy (and pay no bills) and he actively seeks for and finds his replacement for me.  Easy freaking come, easy freaking go.

Sad thing about that is…when I was there…I wasn’t taking it so lightly and I really cared.  Clearly he didn’t.

So, two years post-divorce and I’m just barely beginning to see this dim light at the end of the tunnel and thinking life is actually going to be peaceful where this man is concerned (that’s the glass part)  where this crazy man is concerned and he runs off to Vegas and marries someone and not even someone he has really had an opportunity to meet or interact with in real time. Worse, my daughter’s only met her twice. And now he’s announcing to the world how they are already actively working on having a family and they haven’t been married a week.  Better. Get this.  He already has 8 children he is not paying for or supporting either emortionally or financially!!!!!  I could really care less what he’s doing or who he’s doing…except that it seems incredibly unfair that the schmuck here can find fun far faster than the responsible, mature, thinking  person.   There is seriously something wrong with this world…or maybe it is this country…or maybe it is convervative Christians…or maybe it is just him. (He’s an amazing con artist!)  Enough.of.that!

overwaterbungalowWhile all that was going down in my life and I’m reeling from the realization that I wasted 7 very critical years of my life with a man who really did only view me as something less than the dogs and completely replace-able, other things were going on too.  A friend sent me one of those joke emails.  I’d post it in here, but I’m not sure how to make it work.  In this particular case, it was an invitation to a barbecue at a beautiful resort in the South Pacific.  You know the place.  Bungalows built out over the water, floors of glass looking into the ocean and fish swimming below.  Beautiful.  Sunny.  Warm. Serene.  Isolated.  Isolated.  Solitary.  Relaxing isolation. 

Back at home, the kids are angry because I have limits and won’t adjust (much) when they inform me at the last minute.  I’m also doing the same ole teenage fight that centers around balancing home obligations (read chores…or in my kids’ case “chore”) with social desires.  It doesn’t make me popular around here. And now, my youngest, who is clearly having her dad and  The Replacement plan fun things in her presence when they know she will be with me (as an attempt to upset her and indirectly coerce me into allowing her to be with him) is very, very angry and unhappy…supposedly with me.  Not like he could pick up the phone and call and say, “Hey, we have this big family thing we’d like her to be a part of can she come?” instead he has to directly involve her and use her to manipulate me. 

Like I said earlier….as the marriage goes, so goes the divorce.

I’m also way into the most stressful month I’ve yet to experience in my life since leaving the Ex and in this week alone I have more obligations due than most people in my position have in a year…and more were added this week.  I seriously need to be mainlining vodka crans…no…Long Island Ice Teas…in order to self-medicate here!

The next unrelated incident that happened was a digital friend, who in very casual conversation made this statement, “You can’t control anything another person does.”  Obvious enough, true enough and old knowledge for me…but in the context of all the other things hitting me on the glassy surface of life at 35+ miles/knotts an hour this one caused some different synapses to fire.

It all culminated with the young, beautiful, intelligent and wise Student Teacher who has her complete game on coming into my classroom this last week and putting a picture up on the big screen of a freaking bungalow built over the water in Tahiti as a writing prompt for the kids.  I so did not need to see that.  And, who does she think she is anyway, coming into my classroom and freaking challenging me to amp up my instruction to the next level?????  Well, all I can say to that is, “Bring it, girlfriend!  We’ll rock this sleepy little joint with the proverbial as iron sharpens iron thing!”   Anyway….I hate her.

glass_floorI hate her for putting that image up.

I hate that the fact that this particular image has haunted me throughout the week.

And that’s when, my water-skiing on glass life became the wipeout of the century…sort of.

“Mommy, over break Daddy and his girfriend went to a drive through Chapel in Vegas and got married.”

Images of bungalows built over the ocean.

“Mommy, I want to go live with my dad.  He’s more fun and I want to be with my stepmom.” (Daggers in my heart.)

“You can’t control what other people do.”

“You can’t control what other people do.”  Well, what is it I want to do, now that it doesn’t matter to anyone else?

“You can’t control what other people do.” Tahiti.  Glass floors.  14 nights of solitude. 

“You can’t control what other people do.” What I really want to do is spend 14 nights of solitude in the South Pacific.  I would be a completely different person after that.

It was strange.  As I sat there lying face down on the proveribial post-divorce surface of the now choppy lake, I thought, “I am free. I am really no longer obligated to consider him in any decision I make regarding our child.  In over two years, he’s not concerned himself in communicating with me, why am I concerned about making the attempt with him.  My duty now rests completely with making my daughter’s childhood the best it can be in spite of him…and I’m not going to give him the heads up about it.”

Simultaneously the question my mother use to plague me with ran through my mind, “You need to decide what it is you want to do and then do it.” For the first time in my life…I can really answer this question.  What I really want to do is spend 14 nights, three weeks or a month if I could afford it, in one of those bungalows over the South Pacific all.by.myself.allbymyself

“What???!!! Like not even with a guy???!!” A friend of mine asked.  Yeah, she can, she’s happily married.  “No,” I answered, “Not today, at least.  Not even with a guy.  Alone.”

So, while the last three weeks or so have done their best to slap me around (and, yes, it’s been painful), the feeling and the awareness that comes when the skier realizes they just survived a major wipeout and they’re still alive and still able to pick up the rope and continue skiing (even if they have to sojourn in the boat awhile) is like life reborn. The second wind, the second chance, the next 40 years.  However, you want to phrase it, it was one of those weeks for me.

I will be heading to the South Pacific and I’ve set a goal and a deadline.  Further, I really do want to go alone but if Mr. Soulmate finds me before then and would like to join me…truly…I’d be disappointed…in a way…that I wasn’t going alone…and I’d consider it a complete gift in another way. Quality relationships are difficult to find…and even more difficult to keep. If you find yourself  blessed by being part of one, make it a priority.

Even further, since fourth grade, I’ve wanted to write a book, but I’ve never been able to come up with a storyline  or even a basic plot.  And I’ve been too afraid to make the attempt (yeah, I know I don’t particularly strike anyone as the fearful type, but I am). All of that changed for me this week.  I not only have the characters named and fleshed out, but I have the setting, basic plot, problem and….yes…even the conclusion for my story.  And I’m  not afraid to write it and not afraid to submit it to scrutiny a million times if need be. It may never get published.  But it will be written. 

My story starts in pain, continues in Tahiti and ends in hope.

I feel like the last several weeks I’ve gone from just beginning to feel like I’mdreams water-skiing on glass to feeling like I’m experiencing the wipeout of the century.  After crawling in the boat and resting for a bit (and moaning and groaning like a blasted wuss all the while) I feel like I’m ready to trade in the boat and skis and purchase a ticket to the South Pacific. Not because I hate skiing or because I’m gun shy, or because I’m a bad skier, but because, while I really love water-skiing, it just isn’t what I want to really be doing right now. 

14 nights.

Bungalow over the water.

Complete solitude.

A book.

I have Tahiti on my mind.

Romance Is A Game Best Played On A Level Playing Field–Act 3

Curtains rise on The Wild Mind staring pensively off in stage left direction.  Lights up. The Wild Mind wakes herself from her reverie, takes a sip from the mug, put it down absent mindedly and resumes typing at her computer.

ghost-picWho can even fight fair against a ghost? I had no chance to start with.

This brings up another key point that I wish I’d known all along:

The Beau started up contact with the Old Flame at the same time or shortly before he invited me to Christmas Eve dinner. I had no chance from the beginning, because as long as she was even a remote figment in his imagination, I could have been perfect and it wouldn’t have mattered. The living cannot compete against ghosts who still live and carry even the smallest hope of reincarnating themselves.

In a word, The Beau, was not emotionally available. Not really.

I suspected it but I did not know this.  He liked me a lot.  Had she not even been a possibility, I dare say we may have had a chance at a really, really good thing. But it could not ever be, because ghosts are powerful and will not be denied. 

It just was not meant to be between The Beau and I. I’m okay with this. I told him so.  I know there is someone out there for me somewhere.  (I’m skeptical, at this point, about my ever finding him, but that’s okay too.)

The Beau wants to remain “friends”. He said he’d hoped he could be that friend that I call first to tell him I’ve finally met Mr. Right.  While I don’t want to burn bridges unnecessarily, but I never wanted The Beau to play that role in my life. (Sorry, but that will probably be Semi-Professional Photographer Friend and not you, Beau. I already have friends like that in my life. That was not what I was looking for or what I needed when I started dating you. If it had been, you’d have been contacting me on Facebook the first time not on an online dating site.)

I told him that while I’m usually able to do be friends with people I date, I don’t think I can do that here. At least, not right away. He understands this to mean that I am sad, hurt and heartbroken that he’s choosing her over me. It really isn’t so much that at all. It was that this relationship, more than any other to date, for me, had all the signs of being completely viable and lasting…except that he just wasn’t that into me…in the most important way.

And, I so don’t want to be with someone who is into me,kinda, but just not enough.  I want him to be crazy about me or it’s not going to go very far even if I’m crazy about him. 

I also don’t want to be competing against unburied ghosts from the past.  It is not how I’m going to roll.

My disappointment comes from knowing I was right early on and not trusting myself earlier and just moving ahead with my heart. Instead, I kind of dabbled and played the “Well…Maybe….What if?….” game.

My sadness (if there really is any) comes from thus far in my entire life, not having one man who would really go to the wall for me in spite of me going to the wall repeatedly for them. thinkingTwo marriages which existed mostly because I made excuses for the men and held the marriages together at my own personal health and financial peril are enough. The dating scene has been no better. I’ve mostly met men who should not even be dating because they are a.) married and lying about it (read, The I. J.), b.) separated and working on it (read, still not available emotionally or legally no matter what he thinks or says) or c.) still in love with a past relationship that didn’t, won’t, or can’t work out (read The Beau and several current prospective suitors who are making bids for my time and attention but who haven’t quite thrown the dirt over the grave of their past loves).  The graveyard of past loves is not a safe place to go exploring for Mr. Right. 

This is all very confusing, because there is no way you know this going in to a relationship except by being very careful and paying very close attention (something I’m getting much better at doing), and there is no way you can possibly compete with the past or connect fully with the unavailable heart, while you’re there.  When you get out, you regret the whole bloody thing because the playing field was never level from the get go and it was just a big waste of time, except to confirm to you what you already knew about love, life and dating anyway. Who needs to experience all that just to find out you were right all along? I’d rather paint ceilings with rollers.

While I am disappointed (not distraught) on one one level that ” it “didn’t work out with The Beau and I, I really enjoyed our times together and I learned a lot.  It’s always nice to be in a relationship or to be thinking you might be heading that way.  On another level, I can do so much better than to spend my time wondering where I stand all the time.  I go back to my very opening point in these series of posts: When a man is into a woman, no one has any doubts about it, least of all the woman or man involved.  Am I making myself clear here.  I hope I remember that point.

The Beau, was courageous in talking to me about where he stood. I admire that. I gave him an out. He could have taken the chicken’s way out and responded to my text with, “Yeah, I’m not going to be able to make it. I’m wiped out.” Given the FB communiques it would have delivered the same message. He chose not to do that and instead delivered the message the tough way: face to face. I just wish it wasn’t in my living room, but okay. Live and learn. Next time, when I anticipate that news, I will suggest we go out, better yet, I’ll try to force a phone conversation.

Cue happy musical score as curtains fall.  The Wild Mind leans back in her chair and smiles.

To be concluded in the next post…

The Writer’s Demise

Seriously, I don’t know how good (read paid and making it financially or aka J.K. Rowling and other) writers do it.

Okay, here’s the deal for me tonight. 

I have a million things spinning around in my head.  Several great topics started.  One…or two…almost finished.  Nothing ready to post.  This is not like me.  I usually post without thinking and that is painfully evident to us all…please do not comment on that reality.

But in the last 48 hours I have had…

….the I.J. break up with me (okay, really, really that’s good, because remember the post about that dating problem awhile back that got so much interaction?….Well….hahaha!)  Really, you so need to see the email, but…I haven’t had the freaking time.  He decided to break up with me (in a sense) and I decided to really do nothing about it…hmmmm…maybe I should have done something different?  But we’ll all never know because this week I have no time to sit down and write anything more thoughtful and creative than “I have no time”.  That sucks!  How do good writers get around that?

…the news delivered to me that my most recent X (God forbid there will be more than I already have) is going to be married soon.  That’s always great fun…and in my case…I’m not really joking…it is fun!  I have just one more excuse to quit here and do something else…maybe in another country or…at least at a university…whatever…I’m leaving this place and not feeling a bit bad about it…I don’t care how long it takes.  I’m not going to live in this valley and run into two brainless (okay that was mean) women who push their boobs out and look at me like, “Hey, we got what you weren’t capable of keeping.”   Yeah, have that ladies, if that’s what makes you happy.

But, of course, that all brings to mind the idea that a failed relationship is not all one person’s fault.  So, I’ve denigrated the X’s plenty…it is only fair to ask…what part of the failures do I own?  Would make for  a decent post maybe?

…Wow!  Tons of stuff on the professional front to tangle with.  I’m waffling from feeling like I have my game on to “I got next” every other minute…it’s a real trip and I kinda like it…but that ‘s because I’m in a place in life where I can afford to play…take risks…and have fun…(read, I’m secure in my job and my abilities at least right now).

…the news delivered to me that my youngest has a freakin’ high I.Q,~  Oh, man, sucks to be my kid, sucks to have friends that are school psychs….and sucks to be the cute little blonde girl who is sooo underachieving and has a (mostly) brunette brainiac mom.

I could go on, but won’t.

The writer’s demise is this…there is so much to write about…and so little time…and where do we carve that time out…because good…scrap good…any writing takes time.  Where does one find the time in the daily schedule of life? 

I guess we just wait for the weekend…

Home Alone…On A Saturday Night

I’m home alone. No kids.  No dates. Would you think less of me if I told you that the no dates part was not my choice?  It was my choice.  I had invites.  I turned them down.  I wanted to be alone.  I needed to be alone.  Am I sick or what???  The world does not understand those of us who can tolerate solitude and silence indefinitely.  However, I have to admit, while I am solo tonight, I am not silent.

Playing in the 5 CD changer in the living room is a random mixture of Colbie Callat, Jason Mraz, John Mayer, Nickel Creek and Cold Play. 

I’ve just finished a dinner of gourmet salad and barbecue steak and excellent Southern Oregon Pinot Noir.

I am pretty much done with the “chores” of the day (like I did so much!) and am going to take the evening and do whatever I want to do…which is blog and read the blogs of my other bloggy friends.

No kids here tonight. Oh, yeah.  I already said that.  Must be the Pinot Noir taking over. This is the weekend for the youngest three to be at their respective dad’s places and Number 1 is out with friends.  I won’t see her till after 1:00 tomorrow a.m. and I’m so not waiting up.  She’s such an awesome kid.  But anybody mess with her and I’ll load my Colt Police Positive so fast it’ll make your head spin.

I love writing.  It is good therapy, and a great outlet for all the crap that spins incessantly through my mind in a given day.  Once I write it…I feel I can finally dump it.  Good therapy.  Just understand that what you read here is the crap I dump and not necessarily the real me sans dumped crap.  *tosses her long auburn lock, winks, smiles and giggles charmingly*

Tonight is the night I’ve been waiting for all winter long.  Tonight we set our clocks ahead one hour for Daylight Savings Time.  This so totally rocks.  Heck (he he) no!  I do not like invisibly losing an hour of my life but I sooooo love the later light in the evenings. It is summer now…no matter what.   And I begin to live accordingly.  However, since I’m a bit slow in getting after some of my New Year’s Resolutions, I’m glad that according to others it is not really summer.  In any event, I informed Number 1 that she is now going to be walking home from work starting Monday.  She wasn’t so into that. I was really into that.  Means I just gained a regular workout time!  Wahooo!!!  And, she needs the exercise anyway, not because she’s fat…she’s anything but…but fitness and endurance have not been her priority.  Now we start.

Life is looking up.  Not perfect, but definitely up from where I’ve been.  The district is not going to have to cut days out of the school year, I have several opportunities to earn extra income and not take a whole bunch extra time out of my life in the next two months and this is a good thing.  I still have 3 personal days I can use to attach to a weekend so I can get some work done around here.  Nice!  Debt is going down faster with every passing month and income is stable.  Cars are running and the house is not collapsing around me and I am incredibly grateful.  I also have a student teacher starting in my class on Monday.  Life so totally rocks!  I can focus on my other “professional development activities” while she is teaching class.  I’m rolling on the floor thinking how this is such a win-win for both of us.

I so think all of this deserves some solo hot tubbing in the nude!  Oh, wait, I didn’t really say that did I?  *blushes and smiles coyly* Naaa!  I’d never go hot tubbing nude, would I?????? 

You tell me.  Would I?  Should I? Sam I am?

Spiritual Journeys–Stay Tuned

Alright, I admit, that title is a bit overdone for this particular post.

But give me a break, I am tired, it is nearly 1:00 A.M. and I just pulled in from my conference…and I still have to work tomorrow…at o’ dark thirty.

So what am I doing here now?

I really have no idea.

Except to say…

for my own benefit and accountability….

that that was the best thing I’ve done for myself in a long time.

The escape, the networking, the rejuvenation, the time to just take a freaking step back from my entire world and look, think, reflect and consider the possibilities from here on out was amazing.

Can’t spend any more time than that on it right now.  I’m exhausted.

But really very content and happy.

You’ll hear more about it I’m sure.

Stay Tuned.

2 x 2:00 A.M.

Twice in a row this week it has happened.

Twice.  Wide awake at 2:00 A.M. 

This annoys me. 

I wake up suddenly and am wide awake and fully alert.  I’m not groggy, I can’t go back to sleep. 

I get up, wander through the house, checking to see that all lights are off and doors locked though I know I secured everything before I went to bed at 10:30. 

The dogs are sleeping peacefully.  If there was a disturbance of any kind, even the merest wandering teen walking down the sidewalk across the street, the dogs would alert the entire household.

Silence.

The children are all in their beds, except for Little Bear, my youngest, who still finds it difficult to drift of without Mommy’s comforting presence.  She is in my bed and sound asleep.  Blonde curls swirling around a sweet, peaceful, pink cherub like face.

Silence.

All except for the thoughts in my head.

The thoughts that wander, roam, and run wildly and noisily through my mind, no matter the efforts expended to tame and corral them. 

The thoughts. 

The doubts. 

The sadness. 

 The regrets. 

The sense that I’m still standing in the middle of the crossroads, looking up at the signs pointing in all different directions and wondering which path to choose. Unable to move. There I am looking down each road, trying to discern anything that might help make my choosing easier.  Any clues?  None that I can see.

I’m the Tattered Princess, who conquered her own dragons without the aid of Prince Charming.  Fled the fire of the dying beasts,  barely escaping with my life and the lives of my little ones.  I am safe, my most precious loved ones are safe, but what we once “thought” we had is no more.  Whether illusion or certainty, the past no longer exists in the present.

The castle is in ruins.  There is no gold in the storehouse.  My kindgom is devastated and rebuilding it will be long and tedious even painful journey.  There is no Prince Charming to swoop me up into his arms, toss me on the back of his magnificent stallion, or wonderful magic carpet, to make the journey into tomorrow easier and less troublesome, or to at least offer a drink and caress at the end of a day.   

I stand at the crossroads wondering which direction to take, knowing I must take it alone.  And…I most certainly do not want to go it alone.

I never wanted to go it alone.

But I’m content to travel whatever path is before me alone, if the other choice is one of lies, hypocrisy,cruelty, games and power struggles…or worse than all these…boredom due to being linked with the unadventurous and dogmatic.

I am sad.

I could have sworn that this fairy tale had a Prince Charming written into it somewhere.  But he is nowhere to be seen.  The only ones stepping up to the plate so far have been dragons disguised or those faint of heart.

I am tired.

Tired of meeting the suitors tasked with winning my heart only to find that I don’t have the requirements for the job they’ve designed.  Tired of having them realize that the tasks ahead of them which are required to win my heart (be nice, be into me, be available, be reasonably intelligent, have a sense of humor, play well with others on occasion) are simply too grueling for them to endure.

I am surrounded by love but missing the one love I most wanted in life.

I experience this deep sadness of missing that one person I haven’t yet met…and may never meet….most intensely…. 

…at 2:00 A.M. in the morning.

Back to Futility

Okay, maybe I should just drop this because I really am obsessing over this. 

Mostly, I just have a lot of questions.

Maybe they are the wrong ones.

What exactly do I expect?  Hmmm, that the guy is really into me while at the same time I am into him. 

That alone is a difficult pairing to find.  It’s either one or the other, so far not both, at least not for very long. So far.

Are my expectations realistic? Should nice enough be good enough even if the chemistry is missing? Can chemistry grow as you get to know someone or is it there and you know it right away?

I think I know the answers to these questions, but maybe I am wrong and I’m just being unrealistic.

Or…maybe…maybe it is like my friend told me:  I am just not ready to be in relationship right now so I am more interested in the ones who capture my imagination but which are completely unavailable, for whatever reason, thus causing me to not be able to fully emotionally  invest in the really nice guys in my own front yard.  Yes, there are several of them there at any given point.  If you come to my hometown you will know my house because it will likely be the only front yard with a bunch of really nice guys growing there.  I’m constantly weeding them out.  Maybe that’s the problem.

But I’m not sure that all I want is a “really nice guy”.

Maybe I am not sure what I really want after all.

Or, maybe I am too certain.

Maybe that is why I need to go through this exercise, which once again leads me nowhere.  Maybe I just need to go do something else.

Yeah, that’s what I’ll do.