The Trouble With Going Postal

Look.  I’m probably going to get myself in trouble with the bigs for saying this, but the truth is I’d like to go postal.  I can’t though.  I mean, I try, but I just can’t.

I just can’t post anything these days.  At least, not much that I’m pleased with.  And forget posting anything quality during the week.  (Okay, no potshots about the quality the rest of the time, wise guys!)

I have about six posts started.  None completed.  Just when I get to the place where I really need to concentrate either because I’m reworking a part or trying to figure out which direction I’d like the piece to head, someone or something interrupts me. Today, it was my 15-year-old telling me at the last minute that she needed cupcakes for a class party tomorrow. Of course, she waits till I’ve taken off my shoes and socks, changed into my cozy jammies and am nearly two steps from curling up in my oversized and very cozy king sized bed befre she ever so sweetly says, “Hey, Mom….”.  You know the rest of the story.

My head started spinning around with green stuff flying everywhere.

Okay, according to her, I did go postal so, also according to her, my first statement was a misrepresentation. 

Well, it was nothing compared to how I felt after I got dressed again, went down to the store with her, picked up the three dozen cupcakes (after going two different places to find them), drove all the way home and then realized we’d left them at the checkout counter.

Wow. Someone around here needs to go to bed earlier.

Spinning

Stupid title.  I can’t sleep. My mind is spinning. I can’t concentrate or stay awake enough to get the papers I need to grade graded and yet, when I try to relax my mind keeps working.  Ugh.  This is what purgatory must be like.  You can’t rest but you can’t work either.  Ack!!!  I hate the end of the grading period…and election day and bill paying day happen to coincide.  Sometimes I just dont’ want to make any decisions.  Today, well, tonight would be one of those times.  So, I’m going to head to bed and hope that I can grade all the papers tomorrow afternoon/evening and still meet my deadlines.  I swear, I’m cutting it real close this time…but my mind is spinning and my heart is racing.  Sigh.

The Good With The Bad…For Lack of a Better Title

I guess I’m living life in all its reality.  I mean, crap is happening…see my most recent post before this one about the drains in my house.  And the sewer incident was preceeded by my car blowing it’s engine this summer, which was preceeded by a year of trauma with cars, including the rear differential of my 4×4 dropping right out onto the street sometime just before Christmas of last year.  Due to my divorce a year ago…well…almost a year ago, finances have been tighter than I’ve ever known in my entire adult life.  Debt is gradually and consistently getting paid off, and I know I won’t be in this place forever, but because I have no wiggle room, it is nothing short of a crisis when things outside the budget occur.  So, that segment of my life is not the happy part of my reality. 

Along with all the stress associated with having to live so very spartan-like and not having the money for extras of any kind…heck, I don’t even have the money for some of the essentials, at times…life has its joyous elements and moments.  These moments splattered the crappy colors of my otherwise dismal financial reality with hope, energy, love and life. 

For example, due to the dismal situation with my drains, I had to call my first ex to take my three oldest children.  This resulted in them being gone for an entire week which was sad and very disappointing.  On the up side, though, it gave me some concentrated time with my youngest.  She slept with me every night and we were able to spend some fun time together in the evenings in spite of me having to complete some extra projects for work.  This was a very happy result of a somewhat stinky situation.

I also mentioned the plumber coming over and bringing dinner and drinks.  That ended up being very fun, and while it is still too soon to tell anything, he is definitely a decent man with a bit of heart and character to him.  And, he doesn’t have a problem communicating about himself or his thoughts…and even better than that…it appears he is capable of taking responsibility for his actions.  He’s continued to call me, we’ve gotten together one other time since the drain date, and while I’m not holding my breath, I think he will, at least, be a good friend if romance or reality doesn’t completely destroy us first. 

Finally, while I’m working some insane hours because I have about three extra projects I agreed to take on (no I’m not getting paid…yes, I am networking and padding my resume), I am loving every minute.  My students and I have this incredibly positive dynamic going in the classroom, the two other teachers I work with at my grade level are wonderful!  It helps that they are men.  There is no PMS-ing and the stress due to my colleagues having to have every little thing nailed down and signed in blood is completely gone. These two guys are nowhere near the definition of “control freak”.  If I screw up the world doesn’t end, if they need to adjust something I’m way relaxed and able to flex with it.  It soooo works for us…and it works for the kids too.  I enjoyed working with my old team and my other grade level…but…there were points where it was toxic.  Add to that the fact that I could have gone to grade level meetings for years (and did) and never have said one word and no one would have asked my opinion about anything, nor would they have cared.  That is not the case with my current team.  I contribute and they respect it.  I like that.  Plus, I really like the fact that they don’t PMS…

Living life in all its reality.  The good with the bad.  The tough times laced and threaded with really happy, nearly hysterically funny moments.  Moments like the writing session I had this week where a student announced that he was going to share his writing on “How To Kiss a Girl” and I told him and the class, “Wait!  First of all, I hope this will be rated G and in good taste.”  Hmmm, that was almost as bad as the time in my first year of teaching when at the end of the P.E. session I instructed the students to “Hold your balls!” Not so good….but very funny!  The kissing writing ended up being very sweet and very entertaining.  My kids are not afraid to laugh and enjoy our class.  This pleases me, no matter how backed up my drains are. 

The good with the bad.  Three of my kids had to live elsewhere this week and I missed them, but my second oldest got into the choir she tried out for as well as making it into the advanced drama class she auditioned for.  My oldest passed her written driver’s test with flying colors but failed the driving portion.  She’s taking it well and in 28 more days will be trying again.  My son is in cross country and the change to middle school is working very well for him, even though he still hates doing yard work.  At least I’m not having to harp on him about homework.  He does it gladly these days.  I can’t tell you how relieved I am.  One man who expresses interest in getting to know me, goes silent, two more step in to take his place.  The good with the bad. The bad with the good.  Life in all its reality.  It is never totally and completely a perfect fairy tale is it?

Life is Grand….Life Sucks!

Life is good…life sucks.  I live with these two conflicting realities daily.  I suspect I am not alone.  Today alone life sucked and life was grand all in the same 24-hour period.

To start with, the weather continues to be record-breakingly hot.  And, now, we are having fires in the area which creates smoke and haze.  For me, since I’m not asthmatic, this is not a problem, but the haze has been so heavy that even I am struggling to enjoy breathing when outside.  In addition, I am having to run my air conditioner, which translates into higher electric bills for me.  That part of life sucks.

But, I was awakened this morning by the sound, of all sounds, thunder!  The crisp, loud boom and crackle of thunder followed by the loud pelting of summer rain on my back deck covering was a welcome sound.  It was a warm summer morning rain that brought momentary refreshment to what has been an exceptionally stifling hot summer. That was grand!

Then, somehow, the son, decided he wanted to be argumentative.  You see, today is the day my three older children left to go for two weeks with their dad. He, of course, had not cleaned up his room and therefore I woke him up earlier than the other children so he could get that taken care of before he left.  Yes, I’m a mean mom.  I do expect that my children participate in chores and duties around the house…and a fairly orderly bedroom (not perfect, but orderly) is part of the deal for me.  So, of course, I awakened him far too early and he grumbled and complained.  I had to really hold my ground with him, and since he was really working hard to tick me off (and nearly succeeding) I had to continue to remind myself, this too shall pass.  Life at that moment sucked.

Then, suddenly, the dad arrives, all the kids are tumbling out the door with their possessions and stuff and the house is, at once, wonderfully silent and dreadfully vacant.  Life sucked but it was also grand all in the same moment.

Later today, I was tasked with helping my second oldest find a swimsuit for vacation.  Not an easy task at this time of the year since there is little to choose from in our neck of the woods and also since her dad places such strict requirements on her for her attire.  Searching every store in town sucked. 

But then, finding the right swimsuit, which we finally did, at 70% off, was grand!

Spending the evening completely alone, doing whatever I want, whenever I wanted, was absolutely grand.

Listening to the thunder and anticipating another summer storm (which has not yet materialized) was also grand.

Missing my kids is not so grand. In fact, it sucks.  I walk past their empty (clean, but empty) rooms and I miss them so deeply it physically hurts.  Definitely, a not-so-grand experience.

Life is grand…and yet it sucks…all at the same time.  This is what makes up our human experience. 

And, fortunately for me, today, I did not experience any of those really devastaing blows such as the announcement that a loved one has a terminal disease or that I do.  I didn’t learn that my spouse was no longer in love with me and I did not walk into a number of other very real tragedies that other people in this world are currently experiencing.  I’m thinking of my friend across the country who mourns the loss of his mother who recently passed.  In light of this, I am grateful that my kids love me, they are healthy, I am in good health and of sound mind…well, okay…at least mostly sound mind. I am employed and able to provide for those I am responsible for.  I must conclude that though I am uncomfortable with or don’t like parts of my life, for the most part I really have it pretty good. 

Life today, for me, is more on the grand than the not-so-grand side.  I’m grateful for that.

What side of life are you on and why?

Cat  (a.k.a. The Wild Mind)