Disconnected Musings

Copyright 2009, The Wild Mind

Four nearly completed (but totally unpolished and incoherent) posts later and it is clear I’m not posting a thing of worth tonight.  There’s just too much going on in my mind.  Really, really too much.  It’s disjointed.  It’s random.  It’s deep.  It’s trivial.  It’s about everything and nothing. It’s totally disconnected mostly.  It looks like this:

Strands of thoughts from a fellow blogger’s blog who confessed she dreams in advance about things that happen to other people,  a dream last night that seemed so real, one I haven’t yet forgotten, I might never forget.  It has been my life for the last two years.  Different faces, different specifics, same words, same pain, the same, all of it.  A scenario I’ve lived many times over in some fashion or another.  A scene I am well aquainted with.  Wondering if my friend has already dreamed my future and if it will simply be yet another of  the many second place finishings I’ve experienced. More ideas and pondering about trust, intimacy, authenticity, connection evaporating in my reality of hidden feelings, unsaid words, unasked questions and confusing behaviors.  Goals for the future opportunities and success running parallel with current 2nd place realities with no means to see the two paths join.  Happiness, contentment, confidence, hope, enthusiasm and joy all tangled up with disappointment, sadness, longing and, yes, somewhere in there, I must confess, the old familiar sting  of  pain.  Words I want to say but can’t.  Ideas to convey, but tangled up with accusations of “not good enough”. Where do these accusers of inadequacy arise and how? Inhibited thoughts that simply can’t get out into visible or audible form, at least, not in a manner that would be comprehensible and confident, let alone adequate.

Not here. Not tonight.

Sometimes there are days when I simply must say…I tried.  I didn’t make it, but I gave it my best effort. I did the best I can, it is all I have to offer. Here it is.

Sometimes there are days when my best doesn’t quite cut it, but it has to be good enough to have tried.

Then there are also times that, in spite of the disconnected randomness of it all, I can look at the craziness called my life and say, everything’s alright and I’m going to be okay. 

Tonight is one of those nights.

Demise of the Fairy Tale

Ahhh, infatuation, passion, romance…love!  The fairy tale everyone seeks…the nightmare many experience after the “I Do’s” are said.  The truth of the matter is the relationship before marriage is carefree, romantic and, yes, dreamier, than it often turns out when reality hits.  This is the shock many face when the fairy tale crumbles and deteriorates:

Vodpod videos no longer available. Okay, so life and romance don’t always crack up to be what we hope or expect when we enter in.  However, this is not to say that things can’t be very, very good in spite of the garbage that life can throw at us and that we heap upon ourselves with our own insecurities, weaknesses, and stuff.

I think, if two people can be realistic enough about how life can really zap the romance and passion out of a relationship and if they can remain focused on the good things while still working to improve the less than ideal things, then maybe, maybe they will weather the storms of life and the natural progression of romance from something passionately fiery to something deeper, more settled and completely secure for both people.  That is, if something completely secure can occur.  I think many mistake the transition from fiery passion to a settled deeper love as a loss of love rather than a transition to something better, deeper, finer than what the first relationship could contain.

I know I’m looking for that first passionate relationship that is fiery, exciting and fun, but I’m also long past the days of believing that a good stable long term relationship will stay this passionate, exciting way forever.  I believe it evolves into something deeper, richer, more fullfilling and wonderful than any romantic passion could do alone.  Yet, it is not without romance and passion.  It is just that the nature of the romance and passion have changed.  The relationship beocmes deeper, richer and far, far more meaningful that the first romantic involvement was.  It is the glance across the table at dinner when my kids are squabbling and he squelches the riff raff effectively without excalating the tension.  It is the brief touch at the counter as the dishes are being cleaned up, indicating “I’ll be there for you later.  Meet me at 10 in our room.”  It is collapsing in bed after a grueling and discouraging day, too exhausted to move and finding the energy to say physically, “I love you, no matter how tired I am.” It his him returning the favor in ways that are meaningful me that might be tests of sheer endurance for him.  It is simply knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are good for him and he is so very good for you and that together the two of you are better than either of you ever were apart. It is knowing that he has your back and you have his…no matter what. 

The fairy tale doesn’t exactly look the same after 5, 10, 15, 20 years of marriage.

I think it is even better than most can even imagine. 

The deal is, it just doesn’t happen by accident. 

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