Four nearly completed (but totally unpolished and incoherent) posts later and it is clear I’m not posting a thing of worth tonight. There’s just too much going on in my mind. Really, really too much. It’s disjointed. It’s random. It’s deep. It’s trivial. It’s about everything and nothing. It’s totally disconnected mostly. It looks like this:
Strands of thoughts from a fellow blogger’s blog who confessed she dreams in advance about things that happen to other people, a dream last night that seemed so real, one I haven’t yet forgotten, I might never forget. It has been my life for the last two years. Different faces, different specifics, same words, same pain, the same, all of it. A scenario I’ve lived many times over in some fashion or another. A scene I am well aquainted with. Wondering if my friend has already dreamed my future and if it will simply be yet another of the many second place finishings I’ve experienced. More ideas and pondering about trust, intimacy, authenticity, connection evaporating in my reality of hidden feelings, unsaid words, unasked questions and confusing behaviors. Goals for the future opportunities and success running parallel with current 2nd place realities with no means to see the two paths join. Happiness, contentment, confidence, hope, enthusiasm and joy all tangled up with disappointment, sadness, longing and, yes, somewhere in there, I must confess, the old familiar sting of pain. Words I want to say but can’t. Ideas to convey, but tangled up with accusations of “not good enough”. Where do these accusers of inadequacy arise and how? Inhibited thoughts that simply can’t get out into visible or audible form, at least, not in a manner that would be comprehensible and confident, let alone adequate.
Sometimes there are days when I simply must say…I tried. I didn’t make it, but I gave it my best effort. I did the best I can, it is all I have to offer. Here it is.
Sometimes there are days when my best doesn’t quite cut it, but it has to be good enough to have tried.
Then there are also times that, in spite of the disconnected randomness of it all, I can look at the craziness called my life and say, everything’s alright and I’m going to be okay.
Tonight is one of those nights.