Romance Is A Game Best Played On A Level Playing Field–Act 3

Curtains rise on The Wild Mind staring pensively off in stage left direction.  Lights up. The Wild Mind wakes herself from her reverie, takes a sip from the mug, put it down absent mindedly and resumes typing at her computer.

Who can even fight fair against a ghost? I had no chance to start with.

This brings up another key point that I wish I’d known all along:

The Beau started up contact with the Old Flame at the same time or shortly before he invited me to Christmas Eve dinner. I had no chance from the beginning, because as long as she was even a remote figment in his imagination, I could have been perfect and it wouldn’t have mattered. The living cannot compete against ghosts who still live and carry even the smallest hope of reincarnating themselves.

In a word, The Beau, was not emotionally available. Not really.

I suspected it but I did not know this.  He liked me a lot.  Had she not even been a possibility, I dare say we may have had a chance at a really, really good thing. But it could not ever be, because ghosts are powerful and will not be denied. 

It just was not meant to be between The Beau and I. I’m okay with this. I told him so.  I know there is someone out there for me somewhere.  (I’m skeptical, at this point, about my ever finding him, but that’s okay too.)

The Beau wants to remain “friends”. He said he’d hoped he could be that friend that I call first to tell him I’ve finally met Mr. Right.  While I don’t want to burn bridges unnecessarily, but I never wanted The Beau to play that role in my life. (Sorry, but that will probably be Semi-Professional Photographer Friend and not you, Beau. I already have friends like that in my life. That was not what I was looking for or what I needed when I started dating you. If it had been, you’d have been contacting me on Facebook the first time not on an online dating site.)

I told him that while I’m usually able to do be friends with people I date, I don’t think I can do that here. At least, not right away. He understands this to mean that I am sad, hurt and heartbroken that he’s choosing her over me. It really isn’t so much that at all. It was that this relationship, more than any other to date, for me, had all the signs of being completely viable and lasting…except that he just wasn’t that into me…in the most important way.

And, I so don’t want to be with someone who is into me,kinda, but just not enough.  I want him to be crazy about me or it’s not going to go very far even if I’m crazy about him. 

I also don’t want to be competing against unburied ghosts from the past.  It is not how I’m going to roll.

My disappointment comes from knowing I was right early on and not trusting myself earlier and just moving ahead with my heart. Instead, I kind of dabbled and played the “Well…Maybe….What if?….” game.

My sadness (if there really is any) comes from thus far in my entire life, not having one man who would really go to the wall for me in spite of me going to the wall repeatedly for them. Two marriages which existed mostly because I made excuses for the men and held the marriages together at my own personal health and financial peril are enough. The dating scene has been no better. I’ve mostly met men who should not even be dating because they are a.) married and lying about it (read, The I. J.), b.) separated and working on it (read, still not available emotionally or legally no matter what he thinks or says) or c.) still in love with a past relationship that didn’t, won’t, or can’t work out (read The Beau and several current prospective suitors who are making bids for my time and attention but who haven’t quite thrown the dirt over the grave of their past loves).  The graveyard of past loves is not a safe place to go exploring for Mr. Right. 

This is all very confusing, because there is no way you know this going in to a relationship except by being very careful and paying very close attention (something I’m getting much better at doing), and there is no way you can possibly compete with the past or connect fully with the unavailable heart, while you’re there.  When you get out, you regret the whole bloody thing because the playing field was never level from the get go and it was just a big waste of time, except to confirm to you what you already knew about love, life and dating anyway. Who needs to experience all that just to find out you were right all along? I’d rather paint ceilings with rollers.

While I am disappointed (not distraught) on one one level that ” it “didn’t work out with The Beau and I, I really enjoyed our times together and I learned a lot.  It’s always nice to be in a relationship or to be thinking you might be heading that way.  On another level, I can do so much better than to spend my time wondering where I stand all the time.  I go back to my very opening point in these series of posts: When a man is into a woman, no one has any doubts about it, least of all the woman or man involved.  Am I making myself clear here.  I hope I remember that point.

The Beau, was courageous in talking to me about where he stood. I admire that. I gave him an out. He could have taken the chicken’s way out and responded to my text with, “Yeah, I’m not going to be able to make it. I’m wiped out.” Given the FB communiques it would have delivered the same message. He chose not to do that and instead delivered the message the tough way: face to face. I just wish it wasn’t in my living room, but okay. Live and learn. Next time, when I anticipate that news, I will suggest we go out, better yet, I’ll try to force a phone conversation.

Cue happy musical score as curtains fall.  The Wild Mind leans back in her chair and smiles.

To be concluded in the next post…

Do Tell…What Are We Seeking?

So, all of us are out here looking for something.  What is it we are looking for exactly?  Freedom, independence,relationship?  What? 

What defines a successful, fulfilling life?

Is it different for everyone or are there some common threads that we all agree on that cross race, socioeconomic level, culture and gender?

What really is the most important thing you are seeking?

What is it that you hope to obtain or accomplish during your life that if you do not accomplish or achieve it you will feel that you epically failed?

For me, a soul mate to fight over the last drops of Geritol and the comfiest rocker on the front porch would be a bonus.

Hmmm?  What is it for you? Do tell.  🙂

Sanity, Syndromes, Phenomenons…Conclusions

I’ve gone on and on, ad nauseum, about what I call “The Going Silent” phenomenon.  Just as a refresher, I do not consider it going silent when you’ve emailed a couple of times, maybe met once, or had a phone call or two and then silence.  I call that phenomenon, The Never Getting The Thing Off The Ground Phenomenon.  The Going Silent Phenomenon is the thing that occurs after a relationship is airborn and some emotional intimacy, probably even some physical intimacy has developed and suddenly one or the other of the two people draw way, way back or they disappear altogether.  I still believe and will always believe that The Going Silent Phenomenon is simply cowardice.  Somebody got in too far and couldn’t get out courageously or without looking like a complete shit,  so they just disappeared. 

 There is a less severe form of this same phenomenon in existence though.  It’s called the You’re-The-Best-Thing-I’ve-Got-Going-Right-Now-But-If- Something-Better-Comes-Along-I’m-Outta-Here Syndrome .  Another equally disconcerting malaise is the “I’m Just Not Sure How I Feel About You” quandary.  In each unappealing dating situation one partner is more vested than the other and is unable to see clearly the writing on the wall of the relational dynamics.  I’ve been there.  I know deep down when I’m dealing with just such a situation.  I’ve never been inaccurate when I suspected one of these situations existed.  I just didn’t always like being honest with myself about it.  Now, I know that both these situations occur with men and women, but since I’m female I want to address this situation from the perspective of the female being more vested than the male or when the guy goes silent or keeps her at arm’s distance. Again, I recognize it happens both ways, but for the ease of me sorting things out for me, I am going to address it from my particular point of view.

Here are some conclusions that I’ve arrived at after recent  life events, dating experiences and being the victim (and, yes, sometimes the perpetrator)  of several of these Phenomenons and Syndromes.

Conclusion 1:  I do ultimately hope to be part of a rewarding, enriching, fulfilling and vital intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex in spite of my quickly advancing years on this earth.  (Okay, the aging thing was said tongue in cheek).

Conclusion 2: If this does not happen for me, I will, feel like I’ve missed out on one of life’s greatest joys and adventures.

Conclusion 3:  If this does not happen for me, I will still have a great, fulfilling, rewarding and exciting life because I will still have many of the adventures I hope to have and meet many of the people I still haven’t met yet that I will ultimately come to know and love as dear friends, colleagues, children-in-law, and grandchildren. 

Conclusion 4:  I’m not going to waste time in situations when I know they are not moving  me closer to my relational goals.  In other words, I’m no longer willing to just pass time in an okay relationship when I know it isn’t going to be the relationship.  I didn’t really do this before, but I’m writing it here to remind myself to stay on that track and never veer from it.

Conclusion 5:  He’s just absolutely got to be crazy about me and I need to know it.  I’m not going to spend a lot of time or energy on the “I’m Not Sure” thing or the “Stay Out Here At Arm’s Distance” thing.

Conclusion 6: Going Silent or Cutting The Engines when the relational jet is airborne is a non-negotiable dealbreaker for me.

Conclusion 7:  I can’t even believe I have to say this,  but I’ve modified my stance on “They’re okay to date if the divorce is filed but not yet final”.  I’ve concluded, after more hard knocks and disappointments in this area than I care to admit, that I won’t date anyone who doesn’t have a signed judgement.  It’s just the emotional equivalent of treading water incessantly.  Too exhausting for me and I have nothing left over for the people in my life who really are available and who do desire my companionship and friendship and love.

So, what brought all that on?  Well, nothing really.  Things are pretty up for me now and life is busy, hectic, demanding like it usually is.  Things are really looking better and better for me here in post-divorce world.  I know I’m not going under and while life isn’t perfect, it continues to improve daily for me.  I’m happy and content.  Sometimes I feel down and blue and miserable and tired, but that doesn’t mean life still isn’t very, very good.  It’s just that I’ve been kind of rolling this stuff over and over in my mind for the last year and thought I’d put it out there more as a means of clarifying my own position to myself.  (Things tend to get muddy and murky in the heat of the battle otherwise.)

There are times, though, when some distantly related thought comes blistering into your conscious because of some benign comment or statement someone makes and instantaneously the unrelated connects you to something else and something else again and the entire thing (whatever that “thing” is) crystallizes for you.  That happened to me today.  Nothing big or earth shattering or anything.  It was just a funny little comment, meant mostly tongue-in-cheek probably, but it had that crystallizing effect on me.  The comment was made on my other blog in response to my post Time To Buck Up.  Sanityinthenorthwest was actually the inspiration for that post and his comment became the crystallizing force for this post. 

So, here’s what  Sanity sanely said:

I will stick by my comment that men will jump through many hoops just to get hugs and kisses at the end of the day. I am sticking by it because I see men jumping through hoops every day just to get some hottie to adore them. If the guys you are hanging around aren’t doing that for you, toss them to the curb.

That’s the third time in the last month a man has given me that advice.  Something in my gut resonates with his statements about men jumping through hoops.  In looking back at my own conclusions and convictions, I have to admit, on this one, I think Sanity is spot on. 

And that brings me to Conclusion 8:  I am going to follow Sanity’s advice.

The Friendship Files Are Born

The Friendship Files began with my story about Sleepovers and Regifting.  The humorous anecdote told to me by a friend, made its way onto my blog with full prior approval by those I was writing about.  The friends I  wrote about loved the retelling and asked for more.  The friends who read the story were entertained, amused, and inspired. Then came the Friends Who Pull Off A Great Bash,  Christmas Party Friend and Mr. Knows, and Mexico Friend and Husband.  I currently have Mr. Christmas Eve Party, Colorado, Single Girl, Gamblin’ Betty, Aspiring Writer Friend Back East (AWFBE), Semi-Professional Photographer Friend (SPPF) and others waiting for me to tell the story that reveals the way they’ve impacted me, inspired me and encouraged me by simply being my friends. Sometimes they’ve simply done nothing more than make me laugh at times when I thought I might sink into the quagmire of despair.  They rescued me, each and every one of them by just being them and by loving me in their own peculiar ways. I am beginning to have people line up to tell me their story and have me write it.  I love this!  Each story tells me something more about the way life is, we are, family can be.  Stay tuned.  There are so many ways my friends enrich my life and make me a far better person than I would be otherwise. 

There are also those friends who stopped in at a point in my  life when I needed whatever they had to offer, or maybe they needed what I had to give, but they didn’t stay long.  They all taught me something because I was willing to pay attention. This is what my friends and aquaintances do for me.  They move me toward being the best possible me I can be.  If you are blessed, your friends do this for you as well.  I only hope I am the kind of friend that returns the favor in this regard. Maybe in these vignettes that I’ve written and will be writing you’ve found something of life, of love, of hope, of the human condition we all partake in that resonates with you.  If so, I hope you’ll comment.  If not, I hope you’ll comment.  No matter what, I do hope that The Friendship Files bring you hope, encouragement, inspiration, laughter, and when needed that clear realization and assessment that only you can make for yourself when you realize you’ve bumped into an area of your life that you need to take control of and master so that it doesn’t master you anymore. 

May “Further Tales From The Friendship Files” encourage you and help you find the strength and determination that you need when you need it most, the humor to help you laugh at yourself and the desire to seek to be the very best you possible…after all…that’s what you were born for.   

P.S.  Mr. Christmas Eve Party don’t despair. Even though I haven’t written your story yet …your graciousness in inviting me in to your family’s inner circle at a time when I was most lonely meant so very much to me.  May your kind multiply and fill this earth rapidly.

Fixer Task Accomplished: Changing Lighting Fixtures

Okay, anyone out there reading this with any regularity knows how I’ve complained and cried about not being able to do my own fixer repairs around here.  It’s true.  I’m a home improvement disaster.  Actually, I am not a disaster, since I never attempt anything.  More precisely, I’m a home improvement wimp.

I don’t just screw things up…I can’t get far enough to do that.  I just sit and look at them…and think about what I want to do that I don’t know how to do.  And I moan about how I’d really like to fix this or that but I haven’t a clue.  Oh sure, I look at books, I get ideas, I read stuff.  None of that stuff shows you how to rip the freaking light fixture off the ceiling and put the wires together and put the whole mess back up in the ceiling so it looks good, works and doesn’t come crashing down on you when you walk past.

Ha!  All that changed this week…today actually.  I actually went to Lowe’s yesterday and got some epoxy and sealed the leak in the hot tub.  I should be able to begin refilling it tomorrow after I pick out a few of the leaves that found their way in.  If all goes well, I should have a warm, non-leaking tub by Christmas.

I have even better news than that!!!!  All my home improvement men friends out there and women friends will be glad to know that today, I successfully changed my first light fixture.  Well, I didn’t really do it all alone, but I was able to woo a tall, dark and handsome man friend into explaining and showing me how to do the project.  Okay, so I didn’t really woo him.  And…well, he was willing and able to show me how to do the the thing and let me get some hands on with it.  I mean, seriously, most guys just want to be saviors.  Don’t get me wrong.  That’s an incredibly attractive quality and if I was married to one of those types I’d be, like, soooo grateful and I’d be sure to show it profusely.  The reality is that I am not married to one of those savior types, they are all married to my good friends who justly deserve these great men. But, these great men are all busy doing their own work on their own homes being provider, protector and basic sexy, handsome, strong man to their wives, and they can’t just be dropping by to fix my light fixtures for me or set up the mold for my concrete or whatever.  And that is all as it should be.

So, what changed?

Whew!  I met someone who actually can teach me how to do this stuff without expecting me to sleep with him.  We actually met online…and after two dates the feeling was pretty mutual that there just wasn’t the connect we were both looking for.  However, cool guy that he is, he told me up front that he didn’t think things were probably going to get romantic where he was concerned (I breathed a big sigh of relief on that one) and he mentioned that he would really be interested in being friends.  Now, folks, women have a different opinion of what it means to be friends than men do.  Women can sustain opposite sex friendships more easily than men can I think.  So, when a man says he’s interested in developing a platonic friendship, I’m okay with that.  It’s not a friends with benefits deal here and I make that clear.  It was clear in this case. 

He offered to show me how to change out the light fixture.  We changed the failing light fixture in the kitchen and I am so embarrassed that I’ve sat and stared at all the ugly light fixtures in my home thinking that changing them on my own is beyond me.  I am seriously blushing at how easy the whole project was.  The worst part was not the wiring, it was the screws to attach the fixture to the bracket.  That was a bit tricky.  Once that was figured out, it was all a snap. Nice thing about this guy, he was really a teacher too.  He told me things along the way that I might need to look for in other situations.  Like, he told me to turn on the switch before we screwed the light in completely to make sure it worked.  Little stuff like that really helps.

Anyway, I’m no longer a light fixture virgin.  I’m so excited.  I feel like a real woman now!  LOL!  I can’t believe it.  I just want to run up to Lowe’s and replace every light fixture in the house!  I’ve been empowered and I love it!!!!

Okay, enough of the silly stuff.  I am going to replace at least two other light fixtures this break just to make sure I have my skills down.  Then I’ll move on to the ceiling fan in the dining area. 

You wait.  I’m going to write that book on home repair for single moms.  Hey, it’ll go over just as well as my “How To Screw Up A Really Good Meal” reality t.v. show. 

Men, please, teach your daughters this stuff.  They are going to need it!

I Have That Sinking Feeling He’s Going Silent

There it is again.  That sinking feeling that he isn’t going to call.  He is just going to “go silent”.  Not a good-bye.  No explanation, if one could even be given after just four dates.  Nothing.  Silence.  Thud.

The worst part is that I thought we were really clicking.  I mean, he had to drive two hours each day to see me. And, he did it without me suggesting it.  In fact, I worked hard to discourage it knowing it was quite a drive in addition to putting in a full day of work.  When we were together the time seemed to just fly by and those are his words not mine.  Then, the night before I had to leave town since the conference I was attending ended the next day, we said our good-byes.  Okay, I’m not going into detail as to how we said them, but, suffice it to say, that there was nothing in the parting that indicated he would not be continuing to pursue knowing me as much after meeting as he had the entire six weeks before.  But, I returned home and no call, unusual in itself since he was hammering me with emails and IMs before we met.  I zipped him a nice friendly email, thanking him for taking time out of his schedule to spend with me, letting him know once again how much fun I had.  It was short, sweet and nice, but no response.  Nothing. Silence. Thud. 

That sinking, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that comes from feeling fooled by my emotions or by another human being.  I’ve met quite a few folks over the last year.  I generally know what I want or what I’m looking for (as if dating were like going to the grocery store and I’ll just find any number of them sitting on the shelves or in a display case).  I really know more of the kinds of things, perspectives, attitudes, behaviors, lifestyle choices, habits that won’t work for me in a long term relationship. I also know more of what will.  This person, without a doubt, moved over into the “definitely has potential” category. I began to let my mind think, “maybe” and “I wonder” and “hmmmm, what if?”  and then, he went silent. 

There is that sickening, thick, heavy, flat, painful feeling that comes from not understanding what went wrong or why. No email, nothing, not a phone call even.  Certainly not the instant response I’d been getting over the last six weeks that indicated he was checking emails and my blog regularly to hear from me or read the latest post. There was a text every morning before I went to work and connection, in some form, four or five times a day.  It was the textbook “when a man loves a woman there is no doubt” scenario. Then he went silent. 

It was a definite and noticeable change in temperature, but I saw none of it coming while I was with him. Silence. Then, a couple of days later, I get an email from him.  Short, to the point, impersonal, but also nothing about the status of things between us from his perspective either.  He simply said he is going out of town to visit his adult kids out of state and will be gone for four days.  No further noise from him since. Silence, Thud. 

Unusually silent on his part.  And…for the fourth time since May…I have that sinking feeling that things will not be working out or moving forward…and I have no idea why.  None. This wouldn’t be such a big deal if there was no real interest on my part, or if there hadn’t been some considerable time getting to know the person and, here’s the biggie, if I hadn’t let my heart start opening up to the possibility that this might have the potential to be something interesting.  I find the entire process, exhausting and not a little painful.  It is mostly annoying.   On one level, if I must be honest, it just flat angers me.  A six week, two month, three month relationship where the man spent all that energy and time making himself a very real and present force in my life only to go silent without a good-bye is appalling to me.  It floors me.  But then I am a woman, and I don’t understand how really handsome, together, intelligent men can deal straight up on a Wall Street Business deal and hide when it comes to love.  Going silent is like telling me that whatever we had did not exist.  It invalidates the time we spent together, and it marginalizes me.  You see, when I give someone the greatest gift I can give…which is my time…the very essence my life and his is made of…it is dehumanizing when I don’t even receive the courtesy of a good-bye. 

I know mentally, this is just the way it is.  In each of these situations I’ve experienced this year,  nothing was really invested (except my freaking heart…but no big deal there right?).  All the relationships were in their infancy stages so, best to bail early rather than not bail and wait.  And…in all these cases…no one was obligated either way.  But that’s not the point.  It still feels bad.  It feels worse than rejection, even though I know mentally it isn’t at all about me, but more about decisions he’s making.  I mean, when I have to make the same choice to discontinue contact with someone, it isn’t so much about that person being a failure in Dating World or Life as it is just me recognizing that I simply for whatever reason cannot move forward with this person.  Since I know it, I need to act on it.  I’m certain these men all felt the same way too.  They saw something, felt something, knew they couldn’t go forward and had to act on it. It’s about them making right choices for them.  It’s not really about me. But it still feels bad and it feels especially bad when they don’t say anything, if even by email, and, instead I am kept wondering, wondering, wondering…what happended.  It is dehumanizing, demoralizing and discouraging. 

In the silence, wondering what happened, experiencing that sinking feeling, until one day, several days later or maybe a week (but I’ve become good enough at recognizing the trend the minute the first text message is missed), it becomes clear that they have not contacted me, and they will not ever again contact me.  Thud.  They are simply just not that into me…worse…I wasn’t even important enough to earn an explanation, email or otherwise. Sigh.  Sick Feeling in the stomach. Regretting what is now, all the wasted time and time is the very essence my life is made of.  Moving on. Taking a deep breath and moving on. 

Doesn’t anybody out here in adult dating world over 40 have a conversation any more?  What is so wrong with saying kindly to someone that you don’t think you’re going to be able to continue things further and releasing them from the possibility that they spend the next day, or two or  week or so of their life wondering what happened or if it even really did happen?  I mean, don’t kid yourself, we’re all really good at making excuses and giving others an out. Women are especially good at making excuses for men and their poor behavior.  He could be really busy, he’s catching up for time missed at work, he’s blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  And this is how days are emotionally wasted when one could be spending the time mentally, emotionally moving on.  The reality is….there is something to that book, “He’s Just Not That Into You”.  Men know how to use the phone, they know how to express that they care, they are not timid, they will contact a woman if they are interested enough in her.  If they don’t…they aren’t.  If he doesn’t where I’m concerned…he isn’t…and I simply don’t have time to waste wondering or worrying about that…and the fact that he didn’t even say good-bye says more about his character than it does about my foolishness for actually taking a risk and momentarily believing in the cad.

So I’m thinking, that in every instance, where I’ve experienced this sinking feeling, I’ve been 100% correct.  I’m not going to sit around (like that was happening anyway) even one second more and wonder.  As far as I’m concerned all I know is what I’m experiencing right now.  What I’m experiencing right now has cast enough doubt in my mind as to make my decision clear.  I don’t want to be stumbling around wondering what’s up ever again.  I spent far too much of my last marriage dealing with the silent treatment, and this propensity in an individual, where I’m concerned, lands them squarely in the “won’t work for me” category. 

Let the silence continue.  I’ve got life to do and I’m not waiting around for the silence to end before I do it.

Having Those Difficult Conversations

Into every relationship some difficulty or tension must fall.  It invariably happens when the two people have differing needs, desires, expections, wants, limitations, boundaries.  I have a friend who says there are no conflicts, just differing wants and needs.  I think he’s delusional.  What happens when your differing wants or needs abuse my right to live peacefully in my own space?  Conflict is what happens, among other things.

I have another friend who shared with me today of his experience with several women who seem to be out of touch with their emotions or, at best, who are unable to admit that the emotion they feel is anger.  So…instead of dealing openly and honestly with the emotions, these people chose to shut down and, well,  get vicious or go silent.  I wanted to say that women aren’t the only ones who are out of touch with themselves and their feelings. 

My last marriage was rife with attempting to deal with a man who was incapable of addressing his emotions in a healthy manner.  Well, I personally am not the psychologist of the world, but I’m not afraid to face the yuck in myself when I need to.  No, it isn’t ever all that fun, but in the end, it is a much more practical and healthy way to go than to try to pretend the problems away by ignoring them.  I tend to want to deal with things straight up rather than ignore them.  This didn’t work well in that marriage as you can imagine. 

I am currently dealing with the same situation with another friend.  Platonic relationship only.  But I recieved an email that said something was bothering him. (I’m thinking, “What could possibly be bothering him?”)  Then he went silent.  I didn’t know what to make of that so, I gave it some time and responded with, “I’d be interested in hearing anything you have to say.”  Silence.   Two days of silence, which wouldn’t be a problem really, had he not said anything.  I would just figure he’s busy with life, as I’ve been.  But, I can’t help wondering if he’s playing some kind of control game here.   If he needs time to process it, great!  I have no problem with that.  Take all the time you need to deal with whatever it is you are feeling.  But…how hard it is to drop a note to that effect?  Or am I simply expecting too much out of the average individual? 

Why can’t people simply make the attempt to figure out what’s bothering them and then ask honestly for what they need? Sometimes life and friendship require that people have those difficult conversations.  One thing I’m certain of, I simply won’t last long in a relationship with someone who is unwilling or incapable of having those conversations when they need to be had.  This doesn’t mean I expect everything in life to be a big serious, introspective discussion either.  It just seems to be pushing into the realm of cowardice when folks avoid having those difficult  conversations.

Cowardice Revised

So, as an addendum to my last post about breaking up via email or IM being a cowardly thing to do, I have come across a perspective I never considered till now.  This perspective presented itself in the form of the opinion of a friend who is of the opposite sex and who is also not afraid to disagree with me on occasion.  He doesn’t always disagree with me and he doesn’t feel he has to disagree just to demonstrate his personhood.  I guess what I’m trying to say is he is simply okay with putting himself out there and he is really okay with whatever he gets back from me even if it isn’t a perfectly synonomous perspective.

After reading my post, he commented, “Hmmm, if a woman doesn’t want to date me I’m not sure I want to spend an hour with her while she goes into all the details of why it isn’t working for her.  I just want to know so I can be done with it.”  He then admitted that his perspective is probably due to the differences between men and women.  I think I probably agree.  I also think that there are degrees of relationship.  If the two people were building something and feelings were starting to grow and develop, it is always a decent thing, I believe to deliver the news as directly as possible. It communicates respect for the person and their humanity.  However, in looking at the same picture through my friend’s lense, I’d have to say, in brutal honesty with myself that I really don’t want to take the time out of my life to have a guy dump on me.  Because, as the single mom of four kids, it would require some scheduling and in the process more emotional energy is expended.  It isn’t energy I mind giving up if I feel that investment in the relationship is a shared feeling.  If it is not, please save me the hassle and let me know and, please, do it sooner rather than later.  I still feel that simply going silent, while it does get the message across, is the biggest form of cowardice there is, especially if you shared any kind of intimacy with the other person.  I am, however, probably willing to relax my perspective and redefine cowardice where the email and IM is concerned, unless, it has been a relationship of significant length or, again, depth.

It’d be nice to hear what others think on the topic.  What is the best way to say good-bye when dating someone?   Again, no judging here on my part.  I don’t want to pick any fights, I simply want to get a feel for what the masses think and why they think it.  I guarantee it will educate this Wild Mind, and maybe help some others as well. Don’t be shy!