Adding Another New Year’s Resolution: More Meandering Through Cyberspace

Not really more “meandering”.  I barely have time to do the things I want to do online or in life, let alone to  spend more time just cruising through Cyperspace without some very specific motive in mind.  In spite of my time crunch, I’ve decided to burden myself with yet another New Year’s Resolution:  I need to become more technologically savvy.

Now, to some who know me, that statement will elicit raucous laughter and a major rolling of the eyes.  Those would be the people who see me as already technologically literate.  They are the ones who say, “Hell, if she can’t figure it out, I’m not even going to try!”  They are also the ones who don’t know how to accept an appointment request in Outlook either…and email is a challenging thing to them.  Mention the word chat, and these people think you mean an oral discussion over coffee at Starbuck’s.  Text messaging is ridiculously slow and of no value to them and Twitter is something birds do in the spring.

Little does this group know how very little I really know.  I only know a little more than they do.  The difference is, I’ve spent a lot of time becoming really good at what aspects of technology I do know.  I also make the same mistakes often enough that when my techie illiterate friends ask for help I can bail them out.  (So, don’t tell them my secret, okay, because it kinda feels good to be considered a little knowledgeable about some things on occasion.)

I don’t know how some people do it.  They seem to have a lot of time to explore stuff out there in Cyberspace.  I spend a fair amount of time online, but like the person who favors the same route to and from work every day, I tend to visit the same places again and again.  I’m not much of an adventurer that way.  Plus, my computer is sooooooo old that surfing the net requires that I wait several minutes after every mouse click for a page to load.  I’m exhausted before I begin.

Today, a real gem of a blogger was Meandering Through Cyberspace and stopped in at my other blog, Welcome To CABsPlace!  Fortunately for me, said blogger left a comment and I followed her home.  I think following her blog will help me accomplish my newest New Year’s Resolution.  Since she meanders through cyberspace and reports on it, I might be able to save some time and get some perspective from those who spend more time out there than I am able to.  Her post today highlighted the differences between Facebook and Twitter and she links to other sites and resources throughout her posts which make it very helpful for people like me with almost no time in a day to surf.  Check out Meandering Through Cyberspace.  It’s another one for the blogroll if you ask me!

My 2009 Off To A Great Start

My year is off to a great start.  Already, I’ve renewed what once was a valuable friendship to me. Yesterday, I met up with a friend of mine that I haven’t seen in almost a decade.  In a previous life, our husbands worked together for the same big church in my area.  She is still married to the same husband she was married to then (yay for them!) and my husband from that former life is now my ex.  He still works for the same big church.  Things changed, my marriage and my life erupted like the mushroom cloud over Hiroshima as failing marriages of staff people in  large conservative fundamentalist churches have a way of doing. My friend and her husband moved away to Portland, Oregon, went to school and well, though I’ve thought of them over the years often, we just lost contact.  But our daughters, who were born about the same time nearly 15 years ago, stayed in touch.  Earlier this week I received a surprising phone call from Portland Friend with the request that our daughters get together since Portland Friend and her family were in town for the holidays. 

I have to say I was a bit nervous about this.  I felt the shame of my past come rushing up as it sometimes still does when I come into contact with folks who were in on the front lines of the action when that whole nightmare went down. I needn’t have troubled myself.  When Portland Friend walked in the door, it was like time had never passed.  Her first words to me were, “You know, Cat, one of these days you’re going to start aging!”  I laughed at her.  I was thinking the exact thing about her.  “You look great!”  I fumbled.

We spent some time getting caught up on each other’s lives and just talking about bigger things.  Like God. Like Church.  Like life, dreams, goals and purpose.  Like how we’ll probably neither of us do the organized church ministry again and how that entire experience changed our lives. Like how we really take issue at some points with organized religion…at a lot of points.  Portland Friend and her husband are now working with people in crisis, homeless people, drug addicts, those most people would call the dregs of society.  Church image, attendance, activity and rules are no longer the focus of their lives.  She relayed to me how her husband was noted as saying, “If given the option to spend an hour with heroin addicts or the church board, I’ll choose heroin addicts.  They are the ones who know they need to change.”   

I found as we talked that though our lives had gone different directions over the years our perspectives continued to be as congruent as they’d ever been.  We’d ended up in the same place on many issues though our roads to get there diverged greatly.  It was a fascinating almost revelatory conversation for me in some ways.  I told her of my feelings of restlessness here and that I felt I was nearing a bit of a crossroads.  I’m not exactly at the place where I can make the choice to go one direction or another but I see something like that appearing on the horizon. 

“I definitely wouldn’t be surprised if it meant I moved away from this area”, I told her, “But right now the liklihood of that seems so remote.”  

“It sounds like you smell a change coming.  It will be interesting to see what happens to you.  Let’s keep in better touch from now on.  And I want you to come up, stay with us for a weekend and explore the possibilities in our area,”  she smiled.  I knew she was not just offering that invite out of courtesy either. I know this about Portland Friend, she doesn’t have a false bone in her body.

Eventually we both realized that though we could have talked all night, we had to get back to reality. We exchanged phone numbers and emails, said our goodbyes and off Portland Friend and her daughter went.

I don’t believe people enter our lives or leave them on accident.  I don’t believe Portland Friend’s re-entrance in my life at this particular time was inconsequential.  What does it mean?  I have no idea. What will come of it?  I may not see the significance of that particular event for years to come.  It is nice to know, that if I should ever want to consider relocating to Portland, there is someone there who could help me navigate what could be an overwhelming transition were I to go it alone.  That reality alone is significant.  I’m reminded again how life turns on a dime and sometimes the little things turn out to be really big things.  I’m wondering if this little conversation might be one such little thing.

I can tell you this: Because of that conversation I’m anticipating an interesting year.

Starting 2009 Peacefully With A Cuppa Joe In The H.T.

Alright, everybody’s already been up and at ’em and posted their good-byes to 2008 and their hopeful wishes for 2009 on their blogs already.  In spite of my lack of originality on the topic, I’m still going to chime in with my perspectives on the transition from the last to the current year. It will, at very least, help me sort out all the varying and wayward thoughts streaming through my gray matter this morning…which this morning especially…feels particularly gray, like it is socked in under a deep cloak of tangible fog.

I am getting a late start so far on this first day of 2009 due in part to way too much celebratory cheer last night…and not getting to bed till nearly four this morning.  Gads, that’s about the time my friends on the East Coast (should those be capitalized?) were getting up for the day.  I do hope this slow beginning is not indicative of how the year will go.  Unless, of course, slow is to be interpreted as peaceful, which is indeed how my day, particularly my morning progressed.

In spite of the slow, or maybe relaxing is a better word, start to my day, once I awoke at something like 9:30 this morning, I was wide awake, and thanks to lots of water, some ibuprofen and valerian root last night, no headache this morning.  Well, okay, a minor headache due to too much vodka and not enough water or sleep last night.  I should and have felt much worse in the past after drinking such quantities.  I’m glad I feel fine this morning.  What’s a temporary minor “heckake” as my dad used to call them?

I decided that, in spite of feeling particularly regretful about how the family celebrations last night transpired, I would not berate myself for the  choices I made and instead choose differently in the future.  In the spirit of this commitment, I got up and opened up the hot tub, fished out a mismatched two piece swim suit, made some coffee and enjoyed a steamy morning cuppa joe in my HT, completely alone, with the rain falling down around me.  Ahhh, cool mist on my face, embryonically warm water enfolding me  and warm brew inside me.  As I enjoyed these physical sensations,  I contemplated the past year and pondered as much as I could see down the road of the days ahead.

It feels like a different year, same ole stuff to me. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. 

I’ve gone on and on about the challenges 2008 posed for me. I don’t want to do that anymore.  You can read more about my personal trials in previous posts here or at my other blog at Welcome to CABsPlace! 2008 actually began with the end of 2007 and if that pattern holds true, then 2009 is beginning with the end of 2008.  This is not such a bad thing. 

The end of 2008 is an improvement over 2008’s beginning.  Life after divorce has stabilized.  While the financial picture is still somewhat bleak, there is great improvement each and every month.  My family is settling into the routine of our new life post-divorce.  We are not in danger of foreclosure, bankruptcy, job loss or health issues that plague many, many others.  We are indeed very fortunate and I am very grateful.  We have each other, and we actually enjoy being with each other…most of the time.  So, I guess, when I sort through all the things I’m feeling and thinking at this juncture of my life, I’m thinking I hope that none of these things change for the worse.  Improved circumstances are always welcome but I’d be completely okay with the status quo remaining simply that.  

I’m content to declare, “Out With The Old, In With the Same Ole, Same Ole”.

Yes, I’m going to put my list of hopes, dreams, goals, resolutions up eventually because I’m a believer that a written and spoken goal is far more likely to be achieved than an unspoken or unwritten one.  But, I’ll not do that at this moment.  I’m just pretty glad to enjoy this peaceful day that started with a cup of coffee in a hot tub. I do hope that this is some indication of how my year will be.

Confessions of an Internet Dating Junkie

Technorati Tags: Internet Dating,online dating,romance,singles over 40,single parenting,dating after 40,dating,digital romance,transitions,divorce,relationships

I admit it.  I was an Internet Dating Junkie.  Well, okay, I wasn’t that bad.  I mean, I have a friend who recounts periods of her life where she spent time at an awful lot of Starbuck’s in our area and sipped numerous expensive coffee drinks in her quest for love or at least her Prince Charming. She told me of days when she’d meet with person after person after person.  I never went quite that far with the Internet thing. 

Here’s my story.

First some background.  You might be interested to know that I obtained my graduate degree online.  Now, for some, this is considered a joke.  For those of us who have been there, we know that online is not easier or less credible.  I am convinced after talking to those who obtained their degrees in face-to-face world that I worked harder and put in more effort online than I ever would have otherwise.  It’s a bit like choosing to cook for yourself instead of being spoon fed your meals.  There are pro’s and con’s both ways, but cooking your own meals (online learning) is not the easier route.  Anyway, it worked for me.  As a  single mother of four children, there was no way I could leave the kids alone several nights a week to go to classes at the University thirty minutes away.  I was able to get my degree and am now enjoying the measly, but nice, increase that my job rewarded me with as a result.  Enough said about all this.  The point is, I am not averse to meeting people online.  Networking in the digital realm was something I became quite used to during my degree program.  I met many people from around the world.  It was a fascinating and valuable experience to me and put me well ahead of the colleagues I work with day to day. Online dating, at least conceptually, was not a big adjustment for me. 

Here’s how it happened for me.

About this time last year, I was awaiting the final hearing for my divorce. My, at that time, soon to be ex (STBX), had completely shut down and gone AWOL.  I had not heard from him at all.  He’d completely discontinued any discussion or negotiation with me since our preliminary hearing in July when I’d been awarded the house and full custody of our daughter who was then six. Any attempts at communication by my attorney were met with silence.  He showed up at the designated parenting times but said nothing to me.  But, this was not alarming to me, as this was exactly how he treated me for most of the time we were married.  Indeed, it was this very unwillingness to negotiate the differences that ultimately broke the marriage. But, I digress.  The Internet Dating thing simply began as a distraction.

I was two weeks out, maybe three, from my divorce trial.  Clearly, my STBX was not going to settle out of court and save me court fees and attorney court costs.  After all, he was representing himself, what did he care?  So, as we waited, my little family and I wondering how our fate would be decided in court just after Thanksgiving, my oldest daughter said, “Mom, you need to put a profile up on Cupid.com and get your mind off all this.  Just try it.  See what happens.”  I simply laughed at her. But as I laughed she wrote my profile and posted my picture.  That’s how it all started.

I changed what she originally wrote…after a bit…but not before I checked out what other women and men were writing.  Yep, did you catch that?  I checked out what other women wrote, which means I went incognito as a man and searched for women in my age range to see what they were writing.  Personally, I wasn’t impressed. I had more fun reading what the guys wrote…because they used humor much more effectively…if they used it at all. If a guy used the intellectual approach, he usually did it very well.  The rest I didn’t care about.

So, with new profile, decent and recent and accurate picture of me posted I began my Internet Dating journey.  A year later, I can tell you, I’ve learned a lot.  I haven’t gotten married and I’m not officially in a relationship, though there is one digital beau that has captured my imagination far more than any others, but, he is still in the digital category and that can only take one so far for just so long. Since he’s over 1100 miles away, it’s going to be a bit of a challenge, but that’s not the point of this post, because he could disappear tomorrow for all I know…that is one thing I learned about online dating.  It is, until made otherwise, simply online. I’ve learned that over the year.

But I’ve also learned so much more.

Through this online venue, I’ve had the opportunity to meet some really interesting people that I would never have crossed paths with in my daily routine.  I’ve met some amazing people from all over this country…and I’ve learned something from all of them.  I’m a big believer that every encounter is valuable.  I’ve met many wonderful men.  They do exist…all the good ones are not taken. Strong men, intelligent men, sensitive men, thoughtful caring men who desire to provide, protect and love a soulmate.  Men who have given all to their wife and family  and been tossed aside like last week’s People magazine (and women complain about being thrown aside for newer models?).  And while none of these wonderful men would be the best match for me, this doesn’t negate the fact that each one of them has taught me something and usually that something enlightens me further so that when my Mr. Perfect (well, perfect in that he fits me and I him) Match comes along, I will recognize him.

In the end, I’ve learned more about me, who I am, what I can tolerate, what I can’t, where I want to head in relationship and where I don’t than I ever would have by just going to work and coming home every day. 

One  year later, with divorce final, and lots of dates that didn’t work out for a lasting partnership under my belt, I know what I’m about.  This is a good thing.  It means this:  I know what I have to offer a relationship.  I know not only what I want out of a long term relationship, but I also know what I have to bring to the table and to offer in relationship.  That’s no small thing.

So, for that reason alone I think online dating is a great thing.  I mean, it worked for me.  No, I didn’t meet Mr. Soul Mate on any of the dating sites and I’ve taken my profile off any site that it was on (except eHarmony…they don’t pull your profile down after you stop your membership…deceptive!).  I know what I’m about…I know I’ll know him when I meet him, whether it is in digital or real time and I know that he’ll somehow find me as I go about my business of being the best me I can be…because after all that is what I bring to him: me.  I loved the online dating days…and I may return to it…but for now, I am content knowing that I am who I am and the best thing I can do for any relationship I might eventually have is just be the best me I can be…and that means…at least for now…that I must write…I must teach…I must read…I must be a great (though exhausted) mommy and I must live life to the fullest every possible moment.  And it means that online dating for me has probably run its course…at least for now. I simply can’t spend my time, like my friend did meeting contact after contact and drinking coffee after coffee.  There is simply too much of life to be experienced…and as I’m experiencing it…I know Mr. Soul Mate and I will bump into each other somehow, unsuspectingly, and it will take us both by surprise….

At, least…that is what I hope.

Writing, Posting, Blogging…Blah!

I love writing.  I hate feeling like I suck at it. 

I especially hate it when I am so sad or upset by things, events, relationships that anything I write sounds like I’m whining.

That’s where I am tonight.  So I won’t write.  At least not much.

Now What?

Happy New Year!!! The greetings and cheers ring out as millions watch the ball in New York Times square drop. In living rooms, family rooms, homes, apartments across this nation we counted down the last 20 seconds of 2007, then raised our glasses to ring in the new year, 2008. It is a New Year, symbolizing new opportunities to reach our goals, start over in our endeavors to find the paths we may have strayed from in the previous year…or years.

For me, on this second day of 2008, the year already seems old. The transition for me was seamless, so seamless in fact, I wonder if in fact it will be a “new” year. After all, winter is still here at its coldest. All my old bills still stare at me from their pile on my desk. The problems and issues and struggles I faced in 2007 are still with me though I yearn for a New Year where these struggles are gone and my life is easy…or if not easy, then easier than it is now. I suspect that many after the celebrating is over feel as I do, that a bigger, deeper gap exists than we left the old year with. What is to be done about that deep empty feeling of “now what” that seeps in after the busy-ness and celebrating of the holidays. Now what?

Well, for one thing, the brief break in the routine schedule does provide me with time to clean out the old clutter. De-cluttering is a great stress reducer and, for me, a great spirit lifter. I feel as though I am symbolically cleaning out the garbage of my life when I go through the piles that tend to accumulate. As I clean I ponder my goals, hopes for the future, plans for the next week, month, year. This year, I am starting a new life after some very significant and in many ways unhappy changes to my world. The changes were truly necessary to my survival and are positive and healthy steps for me, but even good changes often leave us in the place where we look around at the new world we are in and wonder, “Where have I landed and will I like it here?” I have no choice. I must make the best of it. So, I begin, one small step at a time.

I cannot change my financial picture today. I cannot change the winter into summer. I cannot change much of my life, overnight. I can begin the journey though and the first step is to get myself and my home organized so that our days are more peaceful, less hectic and even though things are not perfect in all areas, there is peace and tranquility, good friends and happier memories. And so, with that, I encourage all who might be feeling the “post holiday doldrums” to find one thing they can work on to improve their personal situation. Something small but significant. And if you can’t find anything small and significant, find anything at all. Clean that overstuffed closet. Clear out that junk drawer in the kitchen. Dust!!!! For me, tonight, after I finish this blog, I am going to clean my desk and the credenza I want to get rid of. It is such a small thing, but when I am finished my life will be in better shape because I will know where the papers and documents I need to deal with are instantly. I will probably also find the scissors my children moved from their place and didn’t return. I might even, if I’m lucky, find that pack of double A batteries I purchased in November that suddenly disappeared. Hmmm? Did my son abscond with them for his Gameboy Advance?

After the cleansing process is finished I will be in a much better place to take stock of this new world I’ve landed in and this year which awaits. I will then be better able to determine my course and chart a path toward my goals, aspirations and, yes, I still have them and believe in them, my dreams.

Welcome, 2008! Happy New Year to all!