Romance Is A Game Best Played On A Level Playing Field-Lessons Learned

Curtains rise, lights up full center stage spotlight on The Wild Mind who is dressed in tight  jeans, flattering trendy top, pumps with stilletto heels, hair perfectly coifed and make up on.  Cue happy music playing softly in the background.  The Wild Mind addresses the audience.

I am really grateful that now there is complete closure not just with The Beau, but the I.J. (Yes, we had a “conversation” also in the last two weeks.  I haven’t written about it because it was a little sad and I’ve been too busy writing and doing other things). 

beerhandsmallDating is a different world now in Post-40 World than it was in Post-20 World.  Okay, if it is still the same world it was back then, then I’ve been dealt a new hand and the cards suck in this one.  Furthermore, when I was younger, I had more time to regroup the losses both emotionally and financially, I am not so young and not so cavalier about the consequences of poor choices.

I now know that one’s choice of a marital or romantic partner can affect your life forever, even long after they leave the scene. datinggumswap

It’s a high stakes game and I’m betting all or nothing on the best possibility for relationship, not just something that’s good enough or nice enough because I’m tired of being alone.

I am emotionally free from wondering if , maybe, when, how, what if anything will happen with The Beau or anyone else that is not knocking down my door or heating up my phone to connect with me.  I just know it won’t happen for me with someone who is merely lukewarm.

Even if it doesn’t work out with the Old Flame and The Beau, what’s he going to do? Come back and knock on my door and say, “Hey, you’re the lucky first runner up. Old Flame couldn’t fullfil her pageant responsibilities. Want to give it a go?”

Thanks, but that’s not exactly how I see my fairy tale playing out. I don’t know how exactly how I do see it playing out, but I’m fairly certain that scenario is not on the list.

So, to take The Beau’s and many of my readers’ and friends’ advice and especially my sister’s (she’ll so love this!)  I’m going to use this last episode with The Beau as  more than just an experience to do some creative writing.  I’m going to use it as an experience to reflect and further clarify for myself where I’m at and how I’m doing.  Let’s see if I can do it in 10 points or less.  Here we go.

The Points (not in any particular order):

  1. One’s choice of marital or romantic partner can affect the quality of the rest of your life.  This is true on a minor scale with those you date.  Choose wisely.
  2. The Wild Mind’s Love Philosophy still holds:  When a man is into a woman there is no doubt: he knows, she knows and there is no obstacle too great to overcome in order to make it happen.  He’ll find any way he can to get into her life, heart and, yes, pants.  This includes picking up the phone and calling her or driving distances to see her.  He won’t mind.  He’ll actually want to do it.
  3. Some people out there in Dating World are completely unavailable but they masquerade as completely available.  Do not believe this until proven. 
  4. Emotional availability is proven by scaling tall obstacles or great distances unasked and without hesitation or groaning.  It is also demonstrated a million other very creative ways all of which, every man knows capably how to execute, but won’t, unless you are the one he wants to be available for. If he’s not willing to prove availability in these ways, he’s just not that into you.
  5. Pay attention and trust your gut.  Read point Number 2 and if you experience doubts then he’s just not that into being into you. 😀 Move on now.  Don’t waste any more time.
  6. Men play just as many games as women.  Don’t deny it.  Some of these games are: “I Want Sex, But I’m Not Available For Any Serious Relationship, I’d Just Like To Make You Think I Am”, “I’m Bored With Nothing Better To Do, Come (yes, pun intended) Entertain Me”, “I’ll Play With You Till Something Better Comes Along” “I’m Completely Unavailable But Can’t Admit It”,and the final version, “Let’s Pretend” where he wants to pretend he’s really available so he can get sex or he’ll pretend he’s really into you even convincing himself he might be in hopes you will give him sex. The “Let’s Pretend” game is also played by those men who are hoping to get their mind off their own pain/loss/whatever for a while or by men who are married and won’t leave but can’t stay either.
  7. Women, do not go near these games!  If you do, you do so at your own peril.  Do not play the If…Maybe…What If?…Game. If you find out you are involved somehow in one of these games, get out yesterday. Don’t look back.  You deserve better.  You will also feel better.  Take charge of your health, get out now!pirates_of_the_caribbean_015 
  8. Being alone is still better than being in a relationship that is just okay or where you wonder all the time if he’s really all that into you.  Stop the wonder.  He’s not.  Move on. (I so need to remember this one myself!)
  9. My Prince Charming (or Adventurous Pirate) is out there and some day, if and when we meet, I will be ready and willing for the raping/pillaging and plundering to ensue.  (Okay…or for him to sweep me up on his magnificent steed time and time again until we are exhausted, then we’ll ride happily into the future together.) 😀
  10. Painting ceilings without a sprayer sucks.  Don’t ever do it. Next time, I’m buying beer and pizza and putting an ad on Craigslist that reads, “Free beer and pizza in exchange for painting help!” It’ll be a lot more fun.

Lights out. Curtain falls.

The End, Yes, Finally, The End!!!!

God and Goddess (small “g”)

I love it when I come across bloggers who really entertain me with their ramblings.  It is like picking up the very best off the New York Times bestseller book rack at the local Barnes & Noble only way cheaper and far more convenient.  Plus, after I get done reading them, I don’t have some trashy paperback that I have to stuff in the box for the monthly run to the local Book Exchange.  It’s just too much fun! 

So, here are two I’m adding to my blogroll today.  I think I’ve fallen in love with both of them.  Well, hell, I don’t even know these people but I love what they write and how they interpret the world.  I tend to lean too much toward the introspective and contemplative, boring, pondering side of life so these people pretty much help me pull my head out.  And…well…they make me laugh.  When so much of my world is filled with bad Knock Knock jokes, tattling,  stuff written at a 5th grade reading level (which I really enjoy by the way), and Jolly Ranchers (which I don’t enjoy so much since I feel like I’m cheating on the Three Musketeers every time I try one), it is good to come home to these adult humor types.  Plus, they refer to the world of corporate America which I left moons ago to pursue the idealistic dream that I could make a difference in the world while playing dodgeball on Fridays, teaching analytic writing traits, math problem solving and making band-aids readily available for every little thing all the while attempting to call it “instruction”.  Yeah right.

Anyway, my two new best blogger friends…a god and goddess of Blogdom in their own rights can be found at:

On Becoming A Universal and Narcissistic God

and

Bridget Jones Has Nothing On Me  

See!   Even the titles of their blogs are entertaining!  Anyway, I know they’re fun when my kids come in from the other side of the house to ask me why I’m laughing so hard. 

They’re definitely two more for the blogroll!  Well, after I get back from the Taxi Mom Shuttle trip I have to make.

It Feels Like Finals Week To Me!

Here’s when you know you spend way too much time on the computer:

computer-addict

This is me lately.  I’ve spent the better part of this last weekend glued to my computer.  Sadly, I do have to leave to go take care of bodily functions, and feed myself and the other residents of the household.

I have a big parenting presentation that I’m giving  tonight to the parents of the school I work for.  Well, it was supposed to be parents of just our school, but it ended up being opened to other schools in the district to offer to their families…and…well.  What was supposed to be a somewhat small trial run is turning out to be something a bit more than trial or small. I can only hope the numbers are small to begin with since it will be my first run through with this material.  I’m still nervous, even though giving speeches and public presentation was the focus of my entire undergraduate work.  The content of this particular presentation is the focus of my graduate work and of particular interest in my own home since just before my divorce.  In spite of being knowledgeable and practiced, for lack of a better word, I’m still nervous. 

I also have another big presentation on Friday and this one scares me more because I’ll be presenting to the worst possible audience: my own colleagues, teachers.  They’ll do everything the kids do only worse because they are less responsive than children.  I’m also teaching the worst possible topic: technology in the classroom and this week’s focus: web sites for teachers. 

So worst audience + worst topic = complete disaster.

or I could look at it more positively:

Worst Week Of School Year This Year (in terms of extra curricular stress)+ Worst Finale on Friday with Teachers and Technology= Great Excuse To Get The Heck Out Of Dodge This Weekend and Go To The Wine Pairing Seminar With The Beau, more wine tasting afterward, and yadda yadda fun fun!

Sounds like I’ll plan on looking at it more positively. 🙂  

It feels like finals week to me.  This is what I always told myself during finals week.  I said, “Self, there’s nothing you can do to change the time you’ve wasted, lost, not spent studying or preparing.  Your going to go through this week and what the grades are the grades are.  Look on the bright side, a week from now, no one will give a rats a** about any of it, least of all you.  Relax!”

So, that’s what I’m telling myself today. 

But now, I really do have to get back to that computer and get to work…wait…I never left did I?

Lying About The Things We Don’t Care About Anyway

I found this one in my travels on the Net this last week.  Wasn’t exactly looking for something about Internet Dating, but when this flashed across my screen the sad (I use that term very loosely) plight of dating in mid-life struck me as completely funny. 

unfortunatetruthaboutdating

Personally, I’d be quite content with the happy medium. You know, not too thin, not too…., just right.  Oh, yeah, and my age or older.  I’m kind of not into the cougar scene, though, from what I hear it definitely has it’s advantages.  I guess, I already have enough kids in my home to take care of.  Ooops!  Did I really say that?

Okay, next funny.  Have you ever had this happen? 

honestyonweb

If you’ve been anywhere for very long in Online Dating World, you’ve had at least one experience where someone misrepresented their age, physical stature or posted a completely false picture.  I had one instance, almost a year ago now, where I hit it off (seemingly) with a guy about a year older than me (supposedly) online.  We had great fun chatting, laughing, talking via phone call and email.  He lived out of town so it was difficult to meet.  Then came the week midwinter last year when I attended a conference in his city.  I figured, that stunningly good-looking as I was and not having to travel very far to meet me, he’d be all over coming to my hotel (hey, paid by for by the company even) to meet me.  The first night I was in town he called and we talked just like I wasn’t in town.  The second night the same thing.  I’m a very patient person but by the third night I was thinking something was up.  So, I gave him the ultimatum.  “Look,” I said, “I’m thinking getting up off your butt and coming down to my hotel to meet me is a far sight better than driving the five hours you’d have to drive to see me otherwise.  So, this is what I’m thinking.  I’m thinking if you aren’t down here in the lobby of the hotel in an hour, I’m going to think you aren’t interested and I’m moving on. ”

He showed, but 30 minutes after the deadline.  I should have walked and not met him, but by that time I was curious and, hey, I was in another town with no laundry, kids, or anything to worry about so I waited.  Oh my gosh.  What a surprise.

He walked in and instantly I figured out why he hesitated to meet me.  The picture he’d posted of himself was probably him…twenty years earlier.  I did end up going for a walk downtown and eating pizza at some no name place.  During this time I had opportunity to notice that he was playing Elvis in his car (not something most people my age do without some seriously good rationale) and his hands did not look like the hands of someone my age.  They looked like the hands of someone 15 years older than me.  Now most people wouldn’t know this maybe, but having grown up with a father who was 28 years older than my mother…I know hands.  His hands were older hands.  Now, I’m currently dating someone who is 11 years older than me, which, to be honest, is the perfect age, in my mind.  (So why would someone want to lie about that?  Men ten years plus older than me are actually quite hot!  I don’t have to change their freaking diapers and wipe their noses or clean up their messes.  Works for me.) Anyway, the dude misrepresented his age then didn’t even come clean about it afterward.  I ate pizza, let him pay, of course.  And never communicated again with him.  Except once.  When I got back home, I looked up his profile.  I noticed he’d changed his location.  I sent him some smart ass comment about misrepresenting his location and his age and asking who he really was.  Obviously, I never heard from him again.

The deal was this about that:  he was attractive enough and very funny and intelligent.  Clearly he didn’t want to meet me, because he wasn’t into something real and he was lying about himself and he knew it.  Here’s what I learned from that:  I’m not really all that concerned about what a guy’s age is (okay, I’m not dating 25-year-olds, no matter what you say) or most of the other externals, but if he lies about any of it, it is such a dealbreaker.  Trust is one of the biggest issues any relationship must develop and maintain if it is going to last. Sadly, when someone lies about their age or anything else, then they’ve eroded the trust from the beginning. I decided at that point that the day I feel like I have to lie about my age or who I am, just to get the company of a date, that’s the day I hang it all up and say, “I’m done.”  Because I may as well be. 

Okay, and, yes, I did get into the guy’s car and drive around a city with a stranger.  Girls, do NOT ever do that.  It turned out okay for me…but…it’s such a stupid chance to take.  I could tell you even worse risks I’ve taken and things have worked out, but I wouldn’t do them again and I shouldn’t have done them to begin with. 

And, guys, especially those of you in the 50+ category, I really have no clue what you are looking for. If you are looking for some young thing to idolize you,  look up to you like a daddy,  and somehow make you forget that you are human and aging like we all do, well, I can’t help you there.  You’re probably doing the right thing going after some 20-something thing who has had no life experience and is pretty much a blank slate.  However, if you’re really into a quality relationship with a woman who wants you and loves you for who you are and will go to the wall for you because she admires, respects, loves and adores who you are as an individual on this earth (as opposed to how much you make, what lifestyle you can provide, and how long you can keep it up) then don’t be ashamed of stating your age and being yourself.  The women of substance out here don’t care about the superficial things…we care about the real, authentic individual behind the text, behind the profile, and hopefully, one day when we meet, we care about the person behind the eyes.  Don’t blow it in advance about lying about the things we don’t care about anyway.

Further Tales From The Friendship Files

One of my friends spent her Winter Break in Mexico.  I’m already jealous, aren’t you?  While most of us in the Pacific Northwest were slogging away through some  extreme form of precipitation, my friend was sunning herself in her size 2 bikini, blonde hair down to her butt, no, wait, past her butt and sipping dangerous concoctions oceanside near Porta Vai Somewhere In Mexico.  She didn’t care.  She wasn’t having to drive home. 

This is her annual treat to herself and her family.  Yes, I did say family.  She and her husband and their two children go to Mexico every year at this time.   Usually, the vacations are pretty standard, as vacations go.  Four star luxury resort accomodations, sun, sand, surf,  sex (I’m guessing, though she didn’t go into it with me, particularly. Ah, just as well).  This year, things became a bit more exciting when said sexual exploits were rudely interrupted and her husband got in a fight.

Now, whereas my friend is small, her husband is quite tall and he’s not the skinny, shrimpy tall either.  He’s  a big, strong man.  He is not, however, prone to fighting, nor is he what I’d call, a bruiser.  He’s an easy going fun guy with a ready smile and a quick wit.  He’s a very kind, considerate, friendly person, except when his wife is upset, then he gets upset because, as he says, “If she’s upset, I’m going to hear about it.”

 When my friend mentioned that her husband got in a fight, I was all ears.

It turns out that they’d been on the go most of the vacation.  You know, entertaining the kids and all. It was their first night  there and both the kids crashed early, the place was quiet and they were feeling quite amorous.  Do you blame them?  For married couples on vacation with kids, it’s not often that both kids fall asleep while parents still have any energy left.  Just as things started heating up, the phone rings.  Annoyed, my friend’s husband answers the phone.  A voice on the other end asks, “Is Mike there?”  My friend’s husband’s name is not Mike, so he said, “No.”  The voice on the other end laughed abrasively and hung up.  My friends shrugged and resumed their activities.  As things once again began heating up, the phone again interrupted the holiday celebration.  The same conversation transpired.  This intrusive caller continued to several other times, before finally leaving my two friends alone for the evening. 

The next morning, very, very, very  early before anyone was awake, my two friends were again enjoying the quiet before the children woke up when there came a knock on the door.  Mexico Friend’s husband goes to the door, there is no one there.  He shuts the door.  A few minutes later they hear another knock.  He answers the door.  There is no one there.  Now, it is very early in the morning. My friends are on vacation in paradise, the kids are out cold and they are being disturbed at ungodly hours by some prankster at the most inopportune times.  They were both getting really annoyed.  Apparently, Husband Of Mexico Friend was more than a bit annoyed. 

This time he waited right by the door and the minute he heard the next knock he lunged out the door.  He was just in time to see a big burly kid probably about middle school age go hightailing it around the edge of the building.  Husband took off with Mexico Friend right behind him. 

Husband, being the larger and faster of the two was able to catch up with the kid but not  whithout slipping and sliding on the tile floors.  The kid  very nearly made it into his own room and had the door almost shut but Husband stopped the door with his foot breaking his toe in the process.  This did nothing to diffuse Husband’s temper or lift his mood.  Husband instead lifted the kid right out of his 4-star room and drug him back out into the hallway.  Husband verbally taking the prankster to task.  As I mentioned before, Mexico Friend’s Husband is a big man.  While he appears fun loving and gentle anytime I’ve ever seen him, I certainly wouldn’t want to get on his bad side.  He could be somewhat intimidating when provoked, I think.  I’m thinking the middle school student thought so too.  He was shaking like a leaf and white as a ghost. 

Well, the tonguelashing  caused quite a disturbance and it wasn’t long before others in the vicinity peeked out of their rooms to see what was going on.  Soon a bit of a  crowd had gathered. Apparently,  the parents of said teen were out partying and had left him on his own.  Out of boredom he decided to have some fun.   Mexico Friend had followed her husband because she thought he might need some support.  I have no idea what she thought she might do to help. 

Soon, things calmed down a bit and Mexico Friend’s husband ended his tirade. Relatives of the punk showed up, promised they’d address the behavior with the kid and just as everyone was beginning to disperse, Husband looked over at his wife and couldn’t believe what he saw.  In the wee hours of the morning, with very little time to plan, they’d both bolted out the door with little thought as to their appearance.  There stood his beautiful wife surrounded by a crowd of gawking onlookers, long blonde hair tousled and all 100 pounds of her (if she’s even that) clad only in a thin see through tank top and panties. White and transparent to be exact.  Knowing my friend as I do, I’m most certain these were not the grandma type briefs that my mother used to wear (sorry, mom) nor were they even boy shorts. I’m thinking her attire left little to the imagination and my friend is not, at least as far as I know, an exhibitionist.  She must have been mortified.

Mexico Friend and her husband made it back to the states safely.  Fortunately, there was no Mexican jail time for either of them.  She told me this story in person today as she gave me a beautiful hand-crafted Mexican poinsettia Christmas ornament as a souvenir.   Each year as I pull this lovely ornament out of it’s tissue and place it on my tree I will remember this humorous tale of what must have been a very embarrassing but humorous moment for Mexico Friend.  I will chuckle,  smile and think fondly of my friend and her family and wish them many more wonderful  and far less eventful vacations in the future.

Big Gifts!

Prerequisite reading:  Go to my  earlier post titled, “Sleepovers and ReGifting: Fundamentals of a Good Marriage”, read it then come back here. 

This just in from ReGifting Friend and her husband who have been married a long, long time.  Apparently they were discussing when they’d exchange gifts over the holidays. 

He:  Hey!  Do you want me to give you my big gift now?

She:  (smiling sweetly) Oh, I’ve been waiting for your “big gift” for a long, long time now.

He:  (shakes head and walks away).

That’s two for Regifting Friend.           

Her husband?  Well,  he seems to have lots of gifts and, after all, they are still married and happily so, it seems. 

I’m thinking she enjoyed all her gifts this holiday season.

Write Out Loud

I’ve stopped reading books for the fun of the story.  I’ve stopped reading anything for the mere fun of reading it, or the knowledge I’ll gain or for the pure enjoyment of story.  I’ve begun reading the writer.  I’ve started taking a little bit of an analytical approach to my reading.  Not much, but a little.  I now pick up stuff that I would never read for the sake of the content, but if the author has a certain interesting way of presenting his or her ideas I read the book.  This has changed what I read dramatically.  I generally used to read for the purpose of gaining information and being entertained.  Thus, I would stick pretty closely to non-fiction topics I was interested in and if fiction, espionage or cold war stories.

I’m now reading more chick-lit, self-help and humor books but only if the writer is good. 

I do the same with blogs.  I find it isn’t so much what is said (though some of the things people come up with are amazing) as it is how it is delivered.

One blog that someone forwarded to me today, definitely fits in my good writing styles bank of resources.  She’ll go on my blogroll, because she is funny, articulate, and she has a way with the craft that I, to be honest, envy.  It makes me wonder what she would be like to talk to, and whether she is actually in stand up comedy somewhere. Anyway, checkout ElloElle’s blog here.  I like reading this writer, maybe you will too.