If you could have the ability to see into the future, to see how things are going to turn out as the result of any given choice, would you want to? Would you want the ability to predict the future? This could be a handy skill, preventing you from taking that one route thereby avoiding that accident that resulted in your car being totaled. It could be a terrifying skill, particularly if you were unable to alter the future events by what you did in the present. I’m not sure I’d like having this ability. I think part of the growth as an individual comes from experiencing the struggle without knowing the outcomes. If we knew for sure everything would be okay or would not be, we might have a tendency to give up completely. Continue reading
Have you noticed how non-existent I am here? Like what’s up with that? The Wild Mind gets on and posts a wimpy (at best) post about Michael Jackson and then disappears. Hmmm, makes you wonder what I’ve been up to. Or…makes you wonder if I died like all the rest of the celebrities out there.
Okay, rest assured I haven’t died.
Yes, I have struggled a bit with writer’s block due to the fact that certain someone’s might be reading this blog and trying to read between the lines and of course I don’t want them to get the wrong impression so I….*deeep inhale* ….need to take a freaking breath and just write what I want to write. But also…and more importantly…I’ve struggled because my life is changing at light speed…due to my own initiative…thanks…and well…I just want to write about something more important than Fire Trucks and swimming pool pumps and hoses hooking up. I mean, as fun as that is…it is so not where I live and other things are motivating me right now. Sigh.
The Wild Mind is in a Wild State of Transition….I guess? Maybe?
Or…The Wild Mind is simply being proactive and deciding to live life…instead of merely writing about it after the fact?
Okay…all of the above is true.
Here’s what you (you being anyone interested besides The Wild Mind’s Self) need to know:
* yeah, okay, I admit…life has been busy and rather than write about how I’m accomplishing my New Year’s Resolutions, I am actually out there accomplishing them.
* I’m done with dating derelict men who are unavailable emotionally and legally or who are simply looking for a one night stand(or lay). I’m also done with spending time with anyone who cannot demonstrate a LOGICAL, RATIONAL, well informed and clearly articulated thought process when communicating. Since this eliminates 97% of all men on the planet and especially those who post profiles on all the dating sites (and, yes, sadly I’ve tried them all), I ‘ve completely given up on the dating thing.
“Why?” you ask.
“Because” I say, “I have so much better things to do with my life.”
Yeah, that’s it. I’ve decided to quit moping about my past failures. I’ve picked myself up and dusted myself off and am reinventing myself and my life and my future. I’m doing it because I can. I’m doing it because I still have the energy and health to do it….and I am loving every freaking minute of it! I’m.having.fun!
My mother was soooo right on. I should have done what I wanted to do to begin with instead of being so worried about pleasing the world and getting married simply because it was the socially acceptable fantasy at the time. Thank-you, Mom. Even though you never saw the fruit of your labor with me while alive, understand that your words like seeds were sowed deep in me and took root…albeit late…but they have taken root and sprouted and there is a bountiful harvest for sure! 🙂 I’m finally figuring out what I’m about…what I want and it has nothing to do with the presence or absence of some nondescript man in my life.
But it means I’m not having so much time to write, especially when it means that creative energy is spread out among 3 or more blogs, 4 children and one very viable contender for the Knight in Shining Armor Award. (Okay, screw the shining armor part, he’s just very interesting, intelligent, attractive, real…and…well…the best part is that so far his actions match his words and that is never a bad thing).
Yes, if he passes muster, you’ll hear about it. Until then, he’s only one who’s captured my imagination, sparked my interest and kept my interest far, far longer than most. If he rides off into the sunset it will be because he didn’t like the fact that I wanted to ride my own horse instead of hitching onto his. It will be because he wasn’t willing to move forward while I mounted my own gallant steed and caught up with him in a bit. It will simply be because he wasn’t able to or man enough to deal with a princess who is completely in charge of herself and doesn’t depend on a dashing prince to achieve her dreams. It will be because he ultimately felt insecure around me instead of inspired and motivated to be the best he could be. Somehow, this particular Knight, strikes me as being one who will make decisions for himself, and allow his Princess to make her own decisions, all the while as he’s got her back and spoiling her at every opportunity. Not because he has to, but becaue he’s totally into her and not afraid to declare it.
Dashing prince or not, The Wild Mind will create her own Fairy Tale Happy Ending. It will take an incredibly amazing and masculine and self assurred….even a bit arrogant…maybe cocky Prince to be able to roll with that.
Can you imagine just how interesting that relationship might be? Not your standard, let’s-go-to-bed-at-ten-and-do-the-same-three-things-we-always-do-in-the-same-order-at-the-same-time -like-a-circus-monkey kind of relationship now is it?
Look at my most recent date(s)! LOL! Just kidding! These really are not people I dated. They are also not contacts I met from online. These are two of the Aztec Dancers I met when I attended the All Nations Tribal Pow Wow this weekend in a city nearby.
These men were amazing! (Oh, I could go so many places with that, but no, I’m going to play this one straight.) There were 5 of them in the group; one drummer, four dancers. These two ictured were dancers. They were in incredible shape and they danced constantly for thirty minutes. If you’ve ever seen anything like this you know that this kind of dancing is very physically active and strenuous (again, the places I could go…but…I’m containing myself here).
The headdresses were easily three feet across and just as tall. Every one of the men had different regalia on (don’t call them costumes…they are not costumes!). Anyway, I’m including a video, which is not the video of the group I saw, but it is the most similar to the dancing I saw including the lighting of the fire at the beginning and the positions (Hee!hee! Okay, I won’t go there) of the dancers. The dancers I saw were much more precise in their movements and much more energetic as well. 😉 Enjoy!
Today it is a rockin’ 75 degrees outside. This is the first in a series of really brutal weeks that will make up my April. I’m calling it Crazy April. If I make it successfully through this week, I will be nothing short of very impressed with me. If I make it through the month, I am going to celebrate.
First, grades are due this week, by the end of the day Wednesday. I was busy straight through the weekend, unable to get much grading done and none today. That means that tomorrow and Wednesday, are the only two days I have to get grades in and I can’t do this during school hours because usually I’m sitting back watching t.v. and eating bon bons teaching. I say, usually, because I have a student teacher in my room who is doing her practicum and thus, I am relieved of most of my teaching duties, but none of my grunt labor supervisory duties.
Today, all by my lonesome, I had to make sure all the invitations to our Math After School Club for 140 students were printed, folded, labeled and delivered to classrooms so teachers could send them out today. That Club starts next week and will run through the end of the month. I’m in charge of organizing it. This means I’m scheduling nine teachers and four aides, coordinating schedules, gathering materials, training, communicating and basically running my butt off (this is a good thing) to make this thing happen. Oh, yeah, and I’m also responsible for coordinating the snack. Yeah, this ought to be good!
Today, was the start of our After School Science Club which will run all week. I am teaching a play with stuff and get pretty messy Hands On Science Inquiry segment. This, like the Math Club, will take up all my after school planning time. Fortunately, I can rely on my student teacher for some of that. I’m glad she’s so competent. This entire scenario would be a nightmare if she were not. I must make a point to thank her and tell her how wonderful she really is.
The big finale is the Professional Development Class that I will crash and burn teach on May First. This one has me in fits…well…it just does. There’s nothing worse than teaching teachers.
Of course, in addition to all these things, life’s normal demands still exist. For example, tonight, my second oldest daughter told me her play rehearsals changed from being over at 6 to starting at 6 and going till 8. This completely wipes out the plans I made with my oldest daughter to go shopping for a prom dress after she gets off at 6. Somewhere in all this mess I have to fit in dinner.
So, it is a rockin’ 75 degrees outside and I am not able to be out in it grading papers. Instead, I’m here, offgassing some of the stress of my week and celebrating the fact that I made it through Day 1 of Crazy April.
When it is all over, I’ll have a few additional dollars in my paycheck and this will be a great thing. I’ve already decided that I’m buying 2 tickets to the Special Olympics Wine, Food & Chocolate tasting event on May 2nd which is the day after all this ends. I’m going to treat a special friend ( identity yet to be determined) and I’m just going to go and celebrate a month well done. But I have to get there first! 🙂
Opening score fades as curtains rise and lights up on scene set stage right of a small cozy but humble study. A small desk with laptop computer and comfy but worn office chair, a coffee mug, lamp some papers, pens, neatly arranged are the only props. The Wild Mind sits in the chair attired only in casual lounge pants and a snugly fitting camisole. Her hair is in a messy bun and one leg is pulled up onto the large but worn office chair in a yoga-esque fashion. She begins typing and reading aloud as music fades.
There are a million blogs out there that address the fact that women are confusing, game-playing, bling-seeking, brats who expect men to jump unreasonably through hoops before they’ll give it up.
I propose that men are confusing, game-playing, sex-seeking brats, and some of them want bling and sammiches on top of that. And, in addition, some of those lovable brats are liars and dishonest, even though they are completely unaware of it. That’s because they are lying to themselves.
I propose there are good reasons for both these conditions to exist. It is called emotional survival and pain aviodance. It isn’t a great way to do things, but many people, myself included behave this way. Or they have, maybe, at one time or another.
Next, while I’ve been villified for villifying those who go silent or who are “just not that into” me and who demonstrate it by going silent, I maintain my stance that when a man is really into a woman, he knows it, she knows it, the world knows it and he will cross distance, time, space (or work very hard to close the distance, time and space) to make it work between them.
Cue image of The Wild Mind with thought cloud above head and image of The Beau inside it. The Wild Mind continues typing. Images appear on the large screen behind her as she continues reading.
Yes, the Beau.
A brief recap here is in order to bring all two of my readers that I haven’t talked to in a while up to speed. And…mostly for me to sort it all out so I can just move on.
I met The Beau through an online dating site. The Beau contacted me in October, I believe. This last October.
Now, last fall I did a really stupid thing at the end of the summer and signed up on a couple of internet dating sites. I do not know why I did this. It was a week or two before school started, I was learning a new job and that time of year is insane for me anyway, so I’m not sure why I did such an idiotic thing when I knew I wasn’t going to have time to breathe, let alone date. I also knew that I wasn’t really in a great place emotionally to date, since, well, I was still pretty ticked off with the whole going silent phenomenon anyway. And, while I now see the benefit of going silent, both for the party who goes silent and the one they disappear from, I still think it is the more cowardly approach. More about that later.
So, in October, the Beau contacts me. We correspond for the usual customary few emails and then got together for coffee. We liked each other right away and he mentioned he had things to do but he wanted to get together for cocktails later that evening…if we could. He said he’d call me later.
He went out on more coffee dates with women that day.
I went to a bookstore and bought a book.
We got together later that same day for cocktails, had a great time. Truly, with The Beau, we never lacked for conversation, which is a real turn on for me. I later found we could enjoy those comfortable silences too, a double turn on.
The Beau and I, for some reason or another did not begin dating until December. It was a miscommunication, a misunderstanding but we didn’t date, till December. I was kind of corresponding with someone at that point who was pretty interesting and simply needed to follow that out till he went silent on me after meeting me one time (yeah, ugh). By December, all that had played out and out of the blue, in response to a post I wrote about being alone on Christmas Eve, The Beau contacts me, invites me to his family for dinner on Christmas Eve, which I accepted and we really hit it off.
We spent most of the holiday break together.
Thus began the dating season with The Beau which lasted till roughly late January, early February, where I began sensing that he wasn’t all that into me.
How did I sense this? After all that time together (six weeks or so) he still was talking about old flames. He spoke of his two ex wives without bitterness or regret, but he also mentioned two old flames, which concerned me because of the way, in which he spoke of them. Girls, you know what I’m saying here. When a guy talks about another woman in a way that makes you wonder “if she were standing here next to me, would he even be with me?”, you know there’s a problem.
In addition, while he did call me daily, I began to sense that it was more out of a sense of duty rather than desire. He also began taking more time on other friends rather than keeping or making arrangements with me.
He also continued saying stuff like how impossible the 90 minute distance was, how he’s building a house, I’m entrenched here, how’s this ever going work, yadda yadda.
Finally, after two free weekends, where I drove 90 minutes to be with him, on the third free weekend, when I said nothing about plans he neither invited me up nor offered to come to see me.
So, I surmised that he was not all that into me. I talked about it with him. I was right. He wasn’t all that into me, but he wouldn’t admit that to me. We decided to go our separate ways, but strangely we kept in touch.
We went out for cocktails one night when he was in town for business and had a great time.
He texted and emailed me occasionally.
A couple of weeks ago, when I was out of town for business, he invited me over for dinner on my way home. I stopped in, he grilled steaks, made a fabulous meal complete with appetizers, salad, martinis, wine, chocolate dipped strawberries (I mean who goes to that trouble if they aren’t interested, right?) and we spent a long fun evening together. It was VERY fun. I didn’t spend the night because I had to be back at work (and I wouldn’t have anyway…but he did his level best to convince me to).
That night, with my help, he set up a Facebook account and added me as his first friend.
The next morning his old flame was also added as his friend and she added me which I was suspicious of but I confirmed the add anyway. After all, she lives in Texas and a 90 minute drive to see me was a dealbreaker for us. What could it hurt?
This last week, he was in Arizona watching spring training games for one of his favorite teams. This is something he does every year. Something he invited me to go with him to, which I declined. After going to the games in Arizona, he flew back to Northern California with his son for a few days before returning home to go out with me last night to see my daughter’s performance. This was something we’d pre-arranged way back in January.
On Facebook, gotta love it, I notice Old Flame is going to be in Northern California the exact same time The Beau is going to be in Northern California.
Well it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what is going on there.
So Thursday night, after not hearing from him since the beginning of the week, I texted him saying, “Hey, maybe your plans or thoughts about Saturday night have changed. If they have, I totally understand, but please let me know, so I know how to plan.”
I get no response. Not that I was sitting around waiting. I was busy doing my own thing, but by Friday afternoon, I realized I’d not heard anything from him and I texted him again. He responded with, “My phone was off, plans are still on for Saturday night. I’m looking forward to it.”
Saturday night. I’m working backstage at my second oldest’s performance, playing hall monitor for the stage right stairwell. It absolutely rocked, especially since during several numbers I could sneak up the stairs and with my head about 12 inches above the level of the stage, peek out and see Briggs singing and dancing her heart out. That was a far better and more close up view of her performance than the matinee when I sat in the second row front and center. But I digress, more about that later, if I can get pics.
While I was working backstage, The Beau was sitting in the audience with my other three children.
After the performance, we presented Briggs with her dozen red roses, took pics and leaving Briggs to do her clean up and staff party, headed back to the house. Once at my house, I hustled kids off to bed, but I’d tipped off Number 1, that I was probably going to hear some news that was going to be disappointing where The Beau was concerned so she headed off to her room early also.
Cue foreboding musical score. The Wild Mind speaks directly to her audience.
You know where this is going don’t you? You, like I, probably knew several paragraphs before this.
The Wild Mind freezes in position while lights black out. Curtains fall.
To Be Continued …
A short post tonight. I’m tired. I still have a ton to do before tomorrow, when I can hop in the car and travel 90 minutes north for my mini-vacation of sorts with The Beau. We have plans to relax (I’ll probably collapse) Friday evening. Knowing him, he’ll cook for me, I’ll eat, we’ll talk till wee hours of the morning (yeah, right).
Saturday morning, he’s cleaning his garage, I’m going to grade papers.
Saturday afternoon it is a wine pairing session at our winery. That will be fun. I will actually be able to talk intelligently about something I know nothing about afterward. Okay…I am becoming such the wine snob. Not! However, it is true. I now know the difference between a $15 bottle of wine and a $6 bottle of wine. And the $30 bottle? Oh my!
Then Saturday evening I do believe we have a concert he’s lined up. I really like not having to be the one to come up with ideas for stuff all the time. I dated one guy recently and he couldn’t make a decision if his life depended upon it. I’m a pretty decisive person most of the time, but that one wore me out. I was actually glad he went silent. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to be dating someone who is somewhat imaginative, creative and, yes, takes the initiative, oh, wait, and he communicates too. Wow. What a concept.
I’m going to be behind on laundry when I get back, but…it will be worth it.
Okay, I have to go. I’m tired. I have a big day tomorrow. I probably won’t post much this weekend…for obvious reasons. Ha!Ha! It appears I’ll be the one going silent this time. Okay, but I warned you in advance and it isn’t indefinitely. So don’t be too unhappy. I will be back with stories to tell.
Sorry for the rambling, disjointed post, but I’m about ready to fall off this chair. I’m going to be surprised if I reread this and there are less than a dozen typos. I’m really that exhausted.