What’s Cooking & Other Kitchen Games

emeril1_t290 I’m pitching a reality TV show idea to Hollywood.  This show would feature any number of really excellent cooks (Rachel Ray, Paula Dean, and, ooh la la Emeril (Bam!) to name a few) who would come in to the studio kitchen and attempt to teach me how to cook. I would then attempt (keyword: attempt) to make the dish or the meal, right there on national television.  It’s a bit like Julie & Julia because, of course I would be attempting to imitate a great cook, but it would also combine elements of some other reality TV shows like Survivor.  The audience members getting drawn to sample the finished product (would they be the contestants or the judges?) would be the ones trying to survive, of course.  The name of this new reality TV show?  You guessed it, “How To Screw Up A Really Great Meal”.  I can hear it now.  The studio audience applauding, the cameras swing into action panning the audience, lights go up full, the musical score plays and the announcer’s voice belts out my cue to go onstage, “This is How To Screw Up A Really Great Meal with your host, The Wild Mind!”  The crowd goes wild, because they truly hope that this episode will be the one where I finally pull off an edible attempt.

Sigh.  One can dream.

fantasy cook off Hell’s Kitchen

Truth of the matter is, I’ve never been comfortable in the kitchen until recently.  Growing up in my home, for me, and learning to cook with a dad who was first, an excellent cook himself, and two, anal retentive about leveling off every single cup, tablespoon and teaspoon.  Now, that’s not such a bad thing, but something happened between my father and I in the kitchen every time he tried to teach me a recipe that led to him getting frustrated with me and me in tears about it…or angry.  My memory of the experience is a bit Hell’s Kitchen-esque.  The result?  I gave up trying to cook.  By the time I really needed to cook to feed a family, there was no way on God’s green earth I was going to ever measure up to my, then, husband’s mom’s cooking or my now deceased father’s ability to measure and scoop so succinctly, so again, you guessed it, I gave up and quit trying.  I mean, who really enjoys slaving away for a couple of hours after a long day at work only to be greeted with criticism.  Throw the poor cook a bone and at least affirm the effort. Those of you wonderful family members out there who suffer in silence and still muster the lie, “It was great honey!” and manage to choke it down anyway, are to be commended.  You will soon be dining like kings instead of ordering out take-out. Anyway, enough of my deplorable kitchen issues. 

Cooking isn’t rocket science

One thing my dad did tell me was any fool who can read can learn to cook.  In fact, his attitude was that if you can read you can teach yourself to do anything and by the time I left home for college he’d proven that theory on a number of things in his own life.  It was pretty amazing.  So, while our father-daughter bonding kitchen experiences are less than ideal, my dad set a pretty great example in a bunch of areas. Learning things you have no clue how to do was one of them.

So, with that example, and with the added incentive that my poor children are starving, I’ve decided to, finally in midlife, do something I’ve really always wanted to do, but have never really made a commitment to doing.  I’m finding that cooking is a lot more fun than I expected. 

j0426457Since being single, I’ve found out that there are also many, many men who are not only great handy men, but they are skilled in the kitchen as well.  This leads me to think that gaining some kitchen knowledge might be a lot more fun than I previously thought.  After all, there’s a lot of fun to be had using hot pads, an egg beater and real butter.  Accompanying the meal preparations with a fine bottle of wine is a nice touch.  Later in the evening the adventurous cooking couple can advance to serving each other cocktails such as Sex On The Beach or Screwdrivers.  But for those, who like me, are uncertain of themselves in this new domain, I’d like to suggest these simple steps to enjoying a wonderful culinary experience. This is a combination cooking experience for beginners and a party game.  It is a versatile recipe.  Feel free to experiment with your own combinations and techniques.  As you gain confidence and skill, I’m sure you, too, will be able to develop your own personal culinary style.  If you’re more adept at the culinary arts maybe you could leave a comment and share what variations on this recipe you’ve tried. 

Recipe For Kitchen Success


2 nicely shaped ripe oranges, one ripe but not over-ripe banana, saucepan, oven with working heat controls, 1 very flavorful Kielbasa, seasonings.


Step One:  Carefully and slowly, peel the oranges

Step Two:  Gently squeeze the oranges

Step Three: Savor the oranges as you simmer over a low heat and season to taste.

Step 4:  Continue savoring and simmering while stirring occasionally.

Step 4:  While simmering the oranges over a gradually increasing heat, peel the banana

Step 5:  When the oranges, banana and oven are fully heated…

Step 6:  Play Hide The Kielbasa


11 thoughts on “What’s Cooking & Other Kitchen Games

  1. Your cooking show needs a higher element of danger. You could add, say, the mushroom olympics. Contestants meet in the coastal Oregon forest, make a rough skirmish line and all start walking in one direction. Each contestant must eat every single mushroom of every kind that he/she comes upon. The last person still walking wins a chance to cook with you on tv.
    As for your recipe, I would have to frequently taste and squeeze the oranges and make sure they are firming up nicely as the heat grows. In order to prevent the kielbasa from getting too dry it would be necessary to lubricate it with olive oil before slowly sliding it into the oven. You do not want to expose it to the heat too quickly or it could get done too fast and lose the savory juices that give it it’s firm texture.


  2. Custis Long’s Fish Tacos

    3-color color cole slaw mix.
    Diced Tomato.
    Diced onion.
    Lime or lemon juice.

    1 part plain yogurt, 1 part lo-fat mayo, a couple of teaspoons of sugar, 1 or 2 of those canned chipotles in adobo sauce minced up well, a smidge of the sauce from the can (I freeze the rest of the chipotles for future use), and enough lime juice to give it a pleasant tang.

    Put fish on flour tortilla. Put on veggies and malt vinegar, then apply sauce. Wrap and eat. Some folks might prefer the regular taco shells to the flour tortilla.


  3. I make “mommy” meals and my husband makes “elegant” meals. I do the casseroles, he does the intricate chicken dishes. It works well, for us. I cook during the week, he cooks on the weekends. I like it.
    As for you? I bet you could learn to cook. Its all about easy recipes. I promise! I learned to cook while I was at school. My mom refused to teach me while I was home (kind of shadows her whole refusal of talking about sex…). So, I learned the easy way. I made things up.

    If you like Mexican food, this is a fantastic recipe. I promise. No shenanigans involved.

    Turn oven on to the broil setting.

    Flour tortilla shells
    1 med. can of refried beans
    1 med. can Red enchilada sauce

    Cook beans over stove until they begin to boil.
    Warm the enchilada sauce.

    Layer beans, cheese, and enchilada sauce in the tortilla shells.
    Roll up tortilla shell.
    Place in pan.
    Continue until you have used up all the tortilla shells.

    Once you have placed all the enchiladas in the pan, use any remaining enchilada sauce and cheese, and cover the tops of the enchiladas.

    Cook until the cheese begins to boil.

    Voila! Somewhat easy, right?

    Good luck! I think your reality TV show sounds awesome! I would totally watch it. : )


  4. Well, you are a genius because have you seen that new FN show that just started–the one where they teach horrible cooks how to do it right? So far, I think that show is pretty bad…I think your version sounds much more entertaining!

    I’m catching up on blogs I love this weekend–enjoying all you have to say!


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