Post Breakup Part ‘Em Depression and Booty Calls

886706_88791559 “Have you experienced The Insane Weekend yet?”  he asked.  He was a person I’d brushed digital shoulders with some time back, nearly two years now, on a social networking (not dating) site.  While he lives locally, sort of, we’ve never met. We chat online every now and then. this was one of those now-and-then times.  Over the last two years, I’d become his outlet to rant about his latest relationship that didn’t pan out.  Since he’s also an FB friend, he knew something of the demise of the romance between Oz and I. He was trying to be helpful and commiserate.  Seems he’d just broken up with someone he’d intended to marry.  His situation, like my own, began in a gradual downward spiral and ended up plummeting to a disastrous end.

“The Insane Weekend?”  I typed back.  We’ve also never talked on the phone, only IM’d sporadically. 

“Yeah, the weekend where you cry your eyes out, want to die, don’t want the end of the relationship to be reality but it is.  I wept for two days and even prayed on my knees to a God I don’t believe in that He would take this reality from me. You act insane and you feel you’re going out of your mind with pain. You know, the insane weekend.”

I sighed.  Yeah, I thought.  Since 20 of October I’ve had plenty of those. 

“Yeah, I’ve had a few of those, I think,” I messaged.

We went on to talk about the breakup and healing process.  The pain when you finally realize conclusively that the someone you’d painted into your present and your future is erasing themselves out.  Decisively.  Finally. 

The pain that comes in spite of the fact that you also had very real concerns about the other person and their “stick-ability”, especially after the recent events.

The sense of rejection you feel.  The sense of loss.  The very real experiences associated with the death of anything, anyone significant, important, cherished. 

The fear that comes with envisioning a future by yourself, when it only days ago appeared to be filled with incredibly fulfilling companionship, love and hope.

The realization and the sickening dread that your current loneliness may well be your lot in life.

All these feelings we IM’d about and shared. 

He related the pain and confusion of breakup sex and the back and forth situation he was still dealing with. 

I was grateful that option is not possible for me, especially not now, since, as suspected The Wizard magically disappeared in a way that is convenient to do when you are 12,000 miles away and can simply unfriend a person, delete a contact and refuse to answer any email.  At least I am not in the place where the breakup sex and the subsequent delay of the inevitable is possible. I’m realizing, as I usually do in situations like this, that things are working out, or they eventually will, for the better.  In the meantime I’ve learned a lot about myself.  Good to know. The Insane Weekends are over.  Moving on.

Eventually, the IMing evolved to texting, since I had to get off the computer.  Still battling a cold/flu and feeling very weak after my first week back to work I really could only take so much sitting up and squinting at the small computer print.

By this time our conversation had turned from dealing with what we regretted and had lost, to thinking about the present and the future.  We both recognize that though our pain now seems to overwhelm us at points, it is not a permanent thing.  We began bantering about his upcoming plans to spend some time eating sushi on his brother’s dime the next weekend.  The conversation was gradually tapering to an end.

125199_4068 In the midst of this, I received a booty call. Well, it really was a booty text.

“You still up?”  the text said.

“Yeah, just heading to bed.”  It was almost nine o’clock.

“I’m not one to beat around the bush,” the Booty Texter replied.  “Want company?”

I almost laughed out loud. 

“I think I just got a booty text”, I texted to my other friend.

“I am in my pj’s, look like bat guano and can’t breathe.  I won’t be great company,” I texted Booty Texter.  “Wait!”  I went on, “Was that a booty call and I just missed it?”

Booty Texter didn’t deny it and he wasn’t giving up that easily.  He went on to mention that he was was also in his p.j.’s and could just slip on his slippers and come over.  He then mentioned his CPR skills. 

Really?!  Are you kidding me?!  What part of any of this is supposed to make me feel special, desirable and like he’s really into me? (None of it, that’s my point!) This also from a guy in earlier exchanges who said “he really liked me, but didn’t know about getting involved with someone with kids”.  Yeah, he should have just said, “Let’s be f*** buddies”, after all, he wasn’t “one to beat around the bush”.   As far as Booty Texter is concerned all I can say is, “Good to know his real intentions now rather than later”.  He’s clearly into no one but himself.  Good to know.

This booty call strategy must work for guys because they try it.  Apparently they’re getting rewarded for it enough to make it worth the effort.  Seems like a completely degrading place to go for a few seconds of gratification…if you could call it that.

The guy had to be totally desperate to want to get it on with an ill, snot oozing, barely breathing babe like me.  Add to this that I’d already470334_41429338 refused to go out with him once that evening when he invited me “over to his place for dinner”.  Right.  He was hard up enough to take rejection twice from the same person?  And don’t even tell me any of that is because “maybe he really likes you”.  Excuse me while the tears from my recent breakup turn into gales of hilarious laughter. 

This is my future?  I wondered. Wasting time with freaks like this to find out what?  They hope to get something for nothing? 

“Yep” I texted to my first friend.  “It’s a booty call and he’s not giving up easily.”

I texted a firm no to Booty Texter and he, like all the others before him, who’ve tried the same futile tact, ended the conversation in a huff but not before he’d put in his last “you’re really missing out” digs.

I’m pretty sure I’ll never hear from him again. 

I’m pretty sure I don’t care.

I let my friend know that the booty text episode had ended and shortly after that we concluded our own lighthearted and delightfully non-sexual banter and said our own good-byes, encouraging each other to keep our proverbial relational chins up.

It is times like these, that I am grateful, for the humor of life.  It is these times tlolhat make me wonder what I was so worried about a future alone for?  It is times like these that sitting at home alone by the fire with my one guard dog and two cats is really all I want or need.  No demands.  No pressure.  No pain.  Just lots of good old fashioned contentment mixed in with a bit of joy because I know I’m going to be okay, come what may. It is also at these times, interestingly enough, that my own internal focus and vision for my future become much clearer and more defined.

I’m done with The Insane Weekends. I’m done with online dating. I’m actually even feeling like I might be done with being sick. That’s the best part. 

I might even be done with “dating” per se for a while.  I just am really tired of the games, the dance, the eventual disappointment.  Not that there would always be a disappointment, but quite honestly, more and more I’m becoming convinced that if I just go about my life…if there even is someone out there for me…then he’ll appear when the time is right.  It will be more authentic and less artificial and staged.  I’m not saying I won’t ever date, but I’m not going to worry about filling my weekend social calendar either.  It somehow seems to do that anyway without much effort on my part. 

In the meantime, I have better things to do with my emotional energy than waste my sorrows on those who clearly are uninterested and unworthy.  I have far better things to with my time than sort through Booty Call Boys and Disappearing Acts in the hopes of finding Prince Charming. 

After all, in every scenario, Prince Charming went seeking Cinderella, not the other way around. 

Cinderella mourned the loss of her shoe but went on dusting in her rags till the dude showed up. And if he hadn’t shown up, something else interesting and magnificent would have happened to Cinderella. I’m certain of it. 

I have far more interesting things to do than read fake profiles, go out for coffee only to find it’s a no, go back to the drawing board again, and so on. 

Besides, it is far more likely I’m probably going to  bump into him at one of those classes I’ll be taking at The Home Depot on how to install sprinkler systems, lay tile, concrete walkways, or prune my trees because that is where I’m going to be spending my time anyway. 

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20 thoughts on “Post Breakup Part ‘Em Depression and Booty Calls

  1. You had me hooked at hello…

    Seriously – funny headline, I know the pain of an unexpectedly ended relationship (that you thought was solid and forward moving), BUT, you’re booty-texter was a crack up!

    However, the “Why Bother” phase (you should stop by Abby Carter’s blog) – fortunately – doesn’t last forever. You will rise (out of your sick bed, and with GOOD SHOES) to love another day!

    Seriously… this is the normal “benching yourself” stage, and makes a lot of sense. And Internet dating – something about it is so cold – that it saps you. You feel like you’re disposable (and situations like Oz reinforce that).

    But I still believe there are good people out there. So meanwhile, we plug away at our daily lives, and cherish the friends who want more from us than a few minutes of gratification.

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    1. Yeah, BLW, I had fun with that headline too! I also know I’m not going to be down forever…you wait…I’ll have my game back on in no time, but it could very well be a very different game. 🙂

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  2. Here’s the guys perspective on Booty Call…most, but not all guys can have sex without getting emotionally involved. For women, it seems that most, but not all can’t do that. There are exceptions on either side though. For a guy who doesn’t want that emotional commitment, his DREAM is a woman who will hook up occasionally with no strings. Trust me, it’s out there, but less and less so as we get older. In your 20’s, it’s doable. Once woman start thinking about kids and marriage, however, all bets are off..

    More than a few times a year, one of my buddies will come to me and say, “I found this chick who wants to hook up no strings!!!” to which I reply, “No such thing.” Here’s what happens…

    The woman, fugures she’ll be the “cool girl” and sleep with him without demanding anything in return for a while, all the while hoping that they guy will realize that he is in love with her and they will live happily ever after. Sounds plausible, right? From a woman’s perspective, yes. But because of how the relationship was established, the guy’s ingnorance in believing it’s not strings, his lack of emotional evolvement, and society’s double standard that a woman who has sex early isn’t to be respected and a guy who does it is just lucky, the guy will NEVER be able to think of this woman as anything other than a f**k buddy.

    Eventually the woman, having avoided talking about it but all the while hoping, explodes with anxiety and a confrontation occurs. He labels her a “psycho”, she labels him an insesitive a-hole. Happens almost every time.

    Here’s what needs to happen, in my opinion, for this to stop. After their carefree 20’s, men need to evolve emotionally and realize that this type of relationship has passed them by. Women, after their carefree 20’s, need to stop trying the passive aggressive approach to getting a man and just be up front with what they want. Doesn’t necessarily mean they want it with that particular man (you have to date for a while first) but most guys aren’t “connected” enough to clue into what’s really going on. If a woman is up front and that scares the guy away, HE WASN’T EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE FOR A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP AND NOTHING YOU DID OR WILL DO WILL CHANGE THAT.

    Trust me, I’ve been both of those guys. He’s being a caveman for sure but he’s also acting on cues that were set up by women he’s been with earlier. As a woman, be brutally honest up front about what you want. The cavemen will leave you alone and the real guys will become apparent.

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    1. Big City Dad!!! My new best friend!
      Thank you for sharing from a guy’s perspective. I really loved what you had to say for so many reasons, but to go into it would require another blog post…look for it! And, yes, I appreciate your honesty in admitting you’ve been both those guys.
      Yeah, I’ve been pretty brutally honest about what I want all along (which is probably why I’m still single) and the cavemen do leave me alone once they figure out that I’m a teacher and when I say no…I REALLY do mean NO. 😀
      As for the real guys becoming apparent…I’m afraid I live in an area of the country where only cavemen exist. I’m still waiting for the real guys to become apparent. 😀 It’s been three years…what are the odds? LOL!
      Thanks for your comments. Good stuff!

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      1. My pleasure WildMind. I have a lot of girl friends and it always kills me when they’re so fascinated to hear this stuff. To me (being a guy) it seems so logical. Men and women think differently though. Funny, I see a therapist (who doesn’t) and he said something the other day that was BRILLIANT: “Men and women are completely incompatible in almost every way. Most times, marriage turns out to be a struggle against this incompatibility. The more you accept the differences, the better your marriage.” He’s been married 25 years and GUSHES about his wife. That said, he admits he doesn’t understand her AT ALL. Unreal.

        Hang in there. You’ll find the guy if you put yourself out there. One thing I’ll say that I tell my single girl friends: you won’t find an emotionally evolved guy in a bar. Set ups from guys friends who are evolved, church, social groups, etc are the better way to go. Cavemen hang out in bars.

        Happy Thanksgiving!!!

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  3. Well this weary little single mother had a GOOD day. There aren’t many of those, but one really good one – start to finish – is worth a lot. And to think it all started with a red balloon on the ceiling.

    So I’m hoping you have more good days, as you put Oz behind you, and cherish the people who take the time to really know you. And cherish you back.

    Bonne nuit from the Right Coast.

    BLW

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    1. I want to hear about the red balloon (I could take that so many ways and you know I could!).
      And, funny you should end your post with “Bonne nuit”. Booty Texter ended his the same way…LOL!
      It does appear I’m on the mend and for that I’m really thankful.
      Cheers from the Left Coast!

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  4. Wow, Big City Dad, That’s some pretty clear self-realization. You are past your 30’s aren’t you.

    Since, I don’t do the be with the “cool girl” routine, I can’t actually relate.

    I have been on the receiving end of a booty call txt. Which just was odd for me. I was thinking to myself. I really don’t know her very well. Why would she think that I would want to do this. So I told her that I was sick and just wanted to crash. She on the other hand, went into a new direction. “Do you want me to come by and make you soup?”

    Well, this is odd. As you said, when you told him you where sick, he just kept pressuring you. When I said I was sick, she offered to make me soup. But, I learned what she really wanted, and what she thought I wanted. But we both learned what we both really wanted.

    I’ve learned something from that experience. Never… scratch that, allows think of them first. Don’t call for a booty call, but call to find out how your doing. Then offer to do something, (guarnteed they will probably say no. What girl wants a guy to show up at their house and make them soup, when their sick?) But it will show you that I was willing to offer. and that can linger for quite awhile, at least it did when I offered it once.

    I learned a lot from that moment.

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  5. I had a booty call person, way back in the day, and yes we had fun occasionally, and it was REALLY GREAT! This person was my friend’s sister. Now let me preface this by saying that we were both in our late twenties, and just hit it off well. Anyway, she would come over occasionally. There were no strings and we both dated other people. But when we both weren’t dating anyone else, we would hook up. Eventually it just stopped happening and life moved on for both of us. I got married and had a child, then got divorced a few years later. We had not seen each other much over this time, but both of us kept i touch through the brother. She got married and subsequently divorced as well, but still no actual physical contact between us. Didn’t even see each other out and about. Then one day her brother told me that she was living at home, seperated from her husband, though they were still staying in the same house. She had left for a couple of years, and he did the same when she came back, but they were both in the same house at this time, staying in seperate rooms. Thier hot water heater had been not working for about thirty days and they were miserble! So the brother tells me this, (I am a handy person around houses, I remodeled them for the past thirteen years), so I suggested that I come over and take a look at it. He called her and she readilly agreed for me to come over the next day.

    The next day the brother and I went over there and I had a look. it was the thermostat, it was broken. I took it out and went to the local supply store, got another one and put it in. It cost $8! They thanked me profusely, and I left.

    A couple of weeeks later the brother calls me up and tells me that his sister is asking about me frequently, and he suggests that I stop by and have a chat with her.

    (background info from my perspective: I really had feelings for her earlier in life and I thought that she did for me as well, hence the occasional querry, but the brother kept telling me that the timing wasn’t right. I let it go.)

    I went over and we hit it off just like old times, and now we have been living with each other for 6 months! Things are going great between us, and life is good! So booty calls are not all bad!

    Keep the sensors up out there Cat!

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    1. Nice story Carter, but I have to say…it is the exception and not the rule. I am not going to entertain booty calls thinking that maybe, just maybe it will pan out for me. I tend to agree more with Big City Dad’s way of thinking. Maybe it is because my experience (from the girl’s side of things) meshes with what he shared from the guy’s point of view. Generally speaking, once a booty call then never called again…or always a booty call. You are the first I’ve heard that took their booty call to the next level. Good on you! Even so, that is the exception, not the rule. I’m not placing my bets on booty calls working out for me the way yours did for you. Even so, I’m very happy for you and for her!

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  6. FWIW, there are two sides to every story. A fair amount of creative license was exercised in this post. Entertaining? Yes. Factual? No. Pissed? Yes.

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    1. Booty “Caller“?
      Okay. Sorry to have “pissed”. That wasn’t my intent. Factual? I refer you to my About page. Factual in every aspect has never been a goal of mine on this blog. I frequently tell my readers and friends that something they said inspired a story. Such was the case here. Entertaining? Then, mission accomplished, though I am sorry to have irked in the process.
      IMHO, the salient points of the post were:
      1. Breakups are hard. It is okay to bench yourself for a bit. It’s good advice I got from a friend and I’m following it.
      2. Being sick is no fun. I was very, very sick that night.
      3. Though I do desire a connected, fullfilling, authentic relationship eventually with someone amazing (and yes, Booty Texter, is amazing…don’t read too much into that), I’m perfectly alright with being in the company of myself, even when good offers come up.
      Others may gain other insights based on their own experiences and understandings. That’s okay, too, and highly encouraged. When that happens, it just makes my day when they comment. I’m glad you did!

      You are right. There are two sides to every story. This blog is my side, my perspective, my “creative” outlet…my message…my stories, if you will.

      Even so, it is never my intent to injure or wound or insult. Poke fun of a human condition or experience, maybe, but not at the expense of an individual. I’m sorry if you perceived this post as being about you personally and if you were unhappy with my rendition. It simply was a fun story about dealing with the daily battle we all take part in. It’s called, Life.

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  7. I think that any person would be somewhat irritated if private words were used in a public forum without any request to use. Maybe I’m wrong but I think not.

    Shall we air it all in public? I would rather not but if you choose to then so be it.

    Warm Regards:

    The Ex-Booty Caller

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  8. Though I determined not to I couldn’t help but return to a familiar, comfortable place to see what’s happening in the lives of mum’s, students, thespians, dudes and particularly peanuts. As usual one gains insight after insight.

    Nihil enim lacryma citius arescit.

    Not a day goes by xx

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