I was over at one of my favorite bloggy friends homesites today checking up on what she was thinking about things and she wrote a bit about cosmetic surgery and a better sex life. Okay, I wanted to comment…but I totally didn’t want to take center stage with it. Instead, I left some smart ass tongue-in-cheek comment that, hopefully, made people think but didn’t take over the conversation. My response as posted was:
Geez,
All those 80-year-old people in the retirement homes who are getting married these days are sunk without plastic surgery. How can they possibly have a fulfilling, rewarding sex life if they simply just don’t look the part of our plastic, superficial, Hollywood driven, hedonistic, entertainment oriented culture? Sucks to be them I guess!
I was responding more to the other commenters than to BigLittleWolf’s post. My friend, BigLittleWolf, has some great things to say…and she’s way more diplomatic than I am. She said some really important things here and posed some great questions…in a far more diplomatic way that I would have. I so wanted to call bullshit on some of the people leaving comments. You’ll just have to go there and read her post and make your own decision. Her post clearly touched a few nerves with me because here I am, posting a response.
First off the issue of visual stimulation being a male phenomenon was presented. I wanted to call bullshit on that because nothing could be further from the truth. I can’t tell you the number of times my panties have gotten wet because the fireman on duty down at Fire Station #4 a block away decided to flex his muscle during a presentation to the school children. Men don’t have a corner on the visual stimulation market. They just have better marketing and a bigger market share at this time. Women get turned on my a guy’s good looks too. If you want me to do the research I can, but, seriously, you can do your own and come to the same conclusions.
Second, the reason women don’t have the reputation for getting turned on by the visual in quite the same way that men do is because it simply takes a bit more for us to jizz in our pants than a pretty smile, some big biceps and a bulging set of boxer briefs. We are, after all, the ones being penetrated and encroached upon. A deposit is often left and sometimes that deposit develops into an account that requires regular deposits and close supervision until it matures. If Mr. Bulging Boxer Brief decides to take his leave of what is now not just me but us, then who’s going to be left taking the responsibility for this new account? She is. It behooves us to be extremely picky about those we allow to make deposits in our bank. Looks simply can’t be the be all end all in relationship…for a woman. We need more than just a nice “vision” to make sex the best it can be. (Note: how many men are getting penis extensions these days?) We need old school things like trust, connection, intellect, respect, loyalty and responsibility in order to feel safe enough to give up our most vunerable self to another for the long haul.
Finally, the entire cosmetic surgery and the whole recreate yourself from the outside out trend is conspiring to undo authenticity and relationship in our country. Nothing is real anymore and most of us don’t even have our original teeth let alone our original body parts. This preoccupation with how things appear at the expense of seeing things and people as they really are concerns me. After all, I still believe what my mama told me, “Beauty is only skin deep.” I don’t care how big the price tag that beauty has on it. Ten years after those implants have been implanted and I’m going to have to be looking at further surgery am I going to be any better person for it? Will my relationships be better because I have size 38 DD boobs in spite of the fact that I abuse my lover and mistreat the waitresses when we go out? Will my life be greatly improved over the long haul because my muffin top over my size 3 pants is less that it would be hanging over a size 10 pair of American Eagle jeans? Do I really need to have that reconstructive foot surgery to make my feet a size 6 from their original size 9.5 just because little feet are prettier? Really? Are my smaller feet going to make me more sensual, more considerate, more giving and more kind in bed or anywhere else?
I don’t know. The whole preoccupation with our physical appearance at the expense of becoming really quality people worth knowing bothers me just a bit.
Can you tell?
The Wild Mind 
Nice follow up to your comment 🙂 You’ve just touched on a biological fact. That women are by nature choosier than men when it comes to mating. I don’t know if you’ve read the science on the issue but you certainly sound like you have. What you’ve said perfectly mirrors what scientist say. Men spend their time, biologically speaking, spreading their seed while women spend their time trying to be picky about what seed to accept. This is ingrained into us as humans. It’s a wonder we ever connect at all. It’s also the reason that attractive women are often seen dating unattractive men. We immediatly think they must be gold-diggers. The truth is that that there might be a grain of truth to it, but it doesn’t mean there is no love. It simply means that the goals of the sexes are different. Those relationships simply highlight those differences.
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Keith,
Excellent points. Thanks for the comments, and…I agree. It is a wonder we ever get together at all!
And also, the thing about the attractive women dating unattractive men is significant. The goals of the sexes are very different. It isn’t good, it isn’t bad…it just is.
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Thanks for the shout-out, Ms. WildMind. And you make great points, as does Keith.
It’s amazing how the conversation digressed away from some of the issues at hand – including AUTHENTICITY as you so rightfully point out – and went instead to whether or not women think about sex often, or if we are / aren’t visually oriented, and so on.
Yep. Several of us called bullshit on the “women don’t respond visually” remarks. We just don’t get whiplash from it.
And yes, we DO think about sex often.
And we are – despite that – VERY PICKY ABOUT THE SEED we care to have planted in our sweet, rich, moist gardens of delight!
Always? During some periods of time, a little less so – but generally, I think it’s true that men will nail anything still breathing, and women won’t.
I said GENERALLY. I know many exceptions. (Some would nail the dead, too!) Sorry…
Did you also note that the conversation veered towards “promiscuity” in women (?!?@!@!!) and “differences” in men and women? Of course men and women are different! (And anyone who’s read what I’ve been writing will see that I, for one, enjoy those differences.) But I might call your attention (gently) to something I wrote about the use of the “P” word. I am aPoplectic and aPpalled that promiscuous is still applied only to women… Hello? Is it 1965? 1975? Back to the future?
Now I digress. This WAS about authenticity, choice, societal pressures, and a distorted view of beauty. If a woman wants to have any kind of procedure that’s available – and she’s an ADULT – I believe it is her decision. Oftentimes, cosmetic procedures can be hugely beneficial – emotionally, physically, and even in one’s career.
There are also downsides: financial, surgical and post-surgical risks, recovery time, a support network you need to have in place while recovering if you have children to care for, and so on.
It’s all very personal. And maybe that’s the point.
Our culture has come to expect a limited standard (or close) of “beauty” that few women can live up to when they are young, and as we age – even if we take care of ourselves, of course we don’t have the bodies we did at 25! And girls are absorbing that; boys are expecting that. Men our own age – again, not all – are dismissing or side-stepping the real issue, which has to do with human value, FEMALE value.
What a waste. A boon to the beauty business, the fitness business, the cosmetic surgery business. Yes – I suppose you could say it’s a matter of supply and demand. But I believe men are running both, and that certainly doesn’t tip the equation in favor of women, and a more genuine approach to what matters in life.
And I’ll say hallelujah to the fabulous men I’ve met in the past few years who have shown time and time again that they are profoundly appreciative of women as entire “beings,” celebrating our differences and similarities, as we are.
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BigLittleWolf,
Well said! Well said!
I do believe the decision to do or not to do cosmetic surgery is a personal one and not always a purely hedonistic one at that.
I also join in your hallelujah chorus to the fab men who have a sane view of women as entire beings.
I did read your post on promiscuity, the application of the term as a female only label and agreed wholeheartedly. I do believe that what is good for the gander is good for the goose to, or should be. I loved that post and got so riled up that I just couldn’t make an intelligent response without soapboxing it, so I decided to just remain a silent observer. 😀
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Women are so much better, than just a look.
Sure, guys are taught at a young age (Not all, but is predominant), that they should whiplash over every single women who walks by. Man, there is even a single’s website that I saw on TV that was a just a hookup site, and that ad, had men whip-lashing.
Freaking annoying.
I have always believed that cosmetic surgery should be used when it is medically necessary. Not because you don’t want crow’s feet anymore.
The desire to look fake, yet somehow feel authentic. Is the oxymoron.
You know what’s hot? Being completely adored because you hare a gentlemen. For treating someone with ideological perfection. As if there is no other women than her. To treat them as a partner, a companion, and a soul mate. And then knowing that they love you with all their heart because you love them with all your heart. Oh and a true smile and a twinkle in the eye because all the above is true. Dang that can be hot.
If you can break free of the world’s idea of what perfection is, at the end of the day. It will always be authenticity that will keep the relationship going. All the physical changes made to your body, will be that, only physical. You will have attempted to tell the world that you are someone different than who you really are.
You are telling everyone to “look at me”, as if it will be more important then “look into me”.
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I completely agree with what you think is “hot”. Sadly, the reality is that this perception is in the minority.
Maybe I should qualify that.
I actually believe that this experience of being “looked into” instead of merely being “looked at” is exactly what everyone of us desires. It is not, however, what we get. We don’t get it because we are afraid to be vulnerable and real, because when we are vulnerable and real, we can be rejected and wounded deeply by that rejection. The possibility exists that we would experience pain so great and, really, who wants that? So we put up defenses and we hide.
Whiplashing and staying on the surface (looks vs. internal beauty) are ways we run and hide. On the other hand, as a woman, pretty hard to deal when the guys your age are whiplashing all around you. You say, “freaking annoying!” “Rude!” That’s what I say! LOL! And, yes, it is freaking annoying too!
P.S. I’m all over that authenticity word!
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Interesting, explain this for me.
Why is the fear of being authentic, and being initially rejected, greater than the fear of being rejected later on, after the relationship has grown, and the man finds that he is not compatible with this women, because he learned about her.
Or, she learns about his authenticity. Because authenticity is a two-way street.
Guys, do the same thing. We fear, that our idiosyncrasies will turn women off, and that we need to ripped, with a sharp jawline. Which I have discovered to not be true, but our heart’s aren’t always in-line with our minds.
The biggest thing I learned. Is that you need to work on your authenticity. Becoming the better person. Learning to love, endear, and serve. (Yeah, weird word, but I’m sold on it.)
I have found that serving the other, will do far greater for the growth of love, then to expect to receive. In fact. Never expect to receive and only expect to serve, will make it so the other wants to serve you. Creating a circular pattern.
This serving, only really affects guys. Women serve all the time, unless jilted (Which makes a guy doing it that far better). But for guys, we aren’t taught that way. You find one, that does this, and you have found gold. It is these guys who serve, that will demonstrate that they can be trusted with your heart, as they are only interested in you and your needs.
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Well, Travis,
You have some really thoughtful comments here. I do believe that, in order to do justice to your ideas and answer your questions fully and thoughtfully as they deserve, I will probably have to develop a post in order to authentically address this issue of authenticity! 😀
I am currently working on a little humorous piece (I hope) about online dating which should post tomorrow. Look for my response to your comments in a post on or around Tuesday? I hate that it takes so long, but…you know…kids, work and yeah, laundry, prevail!
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Pfft! kids, work, laundry? Taking up your time? Sounds like excuses to me.
Just kidding. 😀
Look forward to reading it.
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