Here’s the deal. Guys are what they are. We want them to accept us the way we are. We women need to do the same. In fact, guys are often more willing and able to accept us as we are than we are to accept them as they are…without trying to change them. Seriously? I have yet to meet a guy that, if something about me didn’t work for him, he stayed around.
It’s just not fair to get into a relationship thinking a guy is “perfect, but if he would just be different in this one way”…yadda yadda.
The deal is this. He is what he is. That’s the way it is. If he decides to change because he decides to change then great that’s a bonus but you can’t sit around hoping he’ll change or waiting for him to change or coercing him to change. He is what he is and that’s the way it is…so deal!
I say this because I spent plenty of my own time in relationship wishing, hoping, conniving, coercing others into the change I wanted to see instead of recognizing that this was simply evidence that the two of us were just not a good fit. Not his fault. Not my fault. No one’s fault. We just didn’t travel comfortably together. I spent far too much wasted time and energy in bad relationships this way.
I won’t do it again.
But how do I avoid it?
I avoid it by being very clear (with myself) about what I need, what I want and what I can negotiate on and by staying very true to all of that in all my dealings with men.
For example, it is very important for me to be with a person who can communicate. He doesn’t necessarily have to be a Harvard trained communications expert, but he does have to be able to communicate clearly in writing as well as in person. If the guy I am with isn’t able to do that, I need to cut my losses and move on rather than waste my effort trying to reform him.
In my recent self-reflective moments, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I may well have had the tendency to try to reform instead of accepting. I probably wasn’t the easiest travelling partner in that respect. I don’t like that. I don’t want to be like that any more so I won’t be.
He is what he is. If there are things about him that I’m not comfortable with, I need to be honest about that sooner, rather than later and move on if I need to. Being in relationship with someone, but never really totally being okay with who they are is well, like, relational torture. How can you do it and ever feel good about your partner or what you have together?
This perspective also changes one’s dating M.O. After all, you really begin to think about the downsides to a person in a more thoughtful manner. Are the weaknesses you see in him, ones you can travel compatibly with or are they deal breakers? If they are deal breakers it is wise to move on and save the two of you a great deal of angst and time.
I don’t know that I have this all wrapped up, but that’s just what I’ve been thinking lately. A guy just needs to be free to be who he is. If you don’t like who he is when you’re dating, that’s probably a good sign it won’t work over the long haul. No one’s fault, but don’t waste time there. Just move on.