His Heart Rate Was Dangerously High

800px-howler_monkeyI suppose it is about time to tell the story of Monkey Sex Man.  I met him the very evening my divorce decree was signed by the judge a year and a half ago.  I’d just signed up on one of those online dating sites that I was investigating out of curiosity.  He contacted me initially and I checked out his profile.  He listed his ideal first date as, “wild rampant monkey sex then we order out for Chinese and get to know each other”.  I thought this was humorous so I agreed to meet him for drinks at a local little pub.  What I didn’t know was that he wasn’t kidding about his ideal first date.  I quickly learned this was a relationship best kept at a very safe distance. We ended up talking over the phone a few times, but each time we did, he made these broad generalizations about people and types of people as he saw them.  These sweeping generalizations were seemingly based on very limited data.  For example, he dated one woman from the same town I live in and now his opinion about women from my town is that they are all shallow, stupid, inconsiderate and materialistic. That’s just one of many such examples of the way Monkey Sex Man approached and categorized life.  After about three or four phone conversations, with the last one ending last year about Valentine’s Day with him being so upset with the fact that I just wasn’t going to go out with him when he called me up with very little notice, he hung up on me and then blocked me from contacting him.  I didn’t hear from him for a year. 

About a month ago or so, I put up my profile at an online dating site.  I added some of my more recent pictures.  Two days later, I was contacted by Monkey Sex Man.  He commented positively on my pictures saying I looked soft, feminine and sexy.  I kept waiting for the caustic insult that usually followed statements like this (sarcastic humor he called it).  There was nothing negative.  I thanked him and that was it.  He responded with some conversation.  I responded back but not in an encouraging way.  Somehow, we ended up meeting at a fairly popular place on a weeknight for cocktails. Well, it really wasn’t somehow.  I was going to be over in his area anyway.  I had 45 minutes to burn between appointments (do not read dates!) and I didn’t feel like going into a pub by myself.  Besides, I was curious and needed a blog post. We talked, I stayed an hour and left. 

He called me the following Sunday as he was barbecuing and invited me to come over for barbecue.  My how some people just don’t change.  He knows I’m driving the Titanic here with my single motherdom of  dependent children and everyone knows the Titanic just doesn’t turn on a dime.  Besides, knowing what he was about, I wasn’t going anywhere near his house.  I politely declined and I thought that’d be the end of it.

He called me again last Saturday.  There was a big parade in my town and he was in town for it.  So, he stops in at a bar, uses their phone, calls me up to tell me he’s in town and was wondering if I was out at the parade.  I wasn’t.  He called later from the grocery store said he was sorry he missed me.  Later that evening he called me up again an that time we ended up talking. 

He told me how the stress of the parade, and how stupidly designed the on and off ramps in the community were. Everything about that experience was awful and he tried to go into it with an open mind. Then he told me that while he was at the parade he stopped at one of the free blood pressure check stations they had and the nurse told him his blood pressure was “dangerously high”.  Ya think?!!!!  He was seriously orbiting out of the galaxy just telling me about it. 

Somehow, we got onto the topic of game playing and whether women should call men.  He asked me if I was one of those who always expected the guy to make the first move.  Loaded question and I was so not going to go into my whole “When A Man Is Really Into A Woman” philosophy.  I answered his question with a “that depends upon the context” sort of answer.  This sent his heart rate and his emotional state right around the twist.

“I can’t believe this,” he fumed. (Seriously, why should he be fuming?  I mean, that’s even more drama than I could muster on a good day.) “I’ve got to go.  My heart rate is dangerously high!”  And he hung up. 

And that’s pretty much all there is to the Monkey Sex Man story.

7 thoughts on “His Heart Rate Was Dangerously High

  1. Wow. I think WildMonkeySex would be a good online dating screen name.

    Sometimes you really think they’re kidding. But they aren’t.

    Like

    1. Tanasie,
      It might be a great online screen name, but then if I every met anyone in person their expectations would be set so high…
      Not that I am not capable of meeting such expectations, it is just that after a year and a half of dating I’ve yet to meet anyone that is worth me going to all the effort for.
      🙂

      Like

    1. Carter,
      Yes it is dismal dating out here. Busy but dismal nontheless. Well, except, I haven’t really told you everything, now, have I? Only the strange and weird my friend. There’s a complete dimension here you are unaware of.
      🙂

      Like

  2. Well Cat if you feel the need to express yourself (hehe) feel free to clue me in, I’m here at work for another 2 hours and work is slow! I’m playing on facebook and reading your posts!

    Like

  3. Monkey Sex Man … now what about that could possibly set off alarm bells?

    Now, as is my want, I’ve done a little research on the subject and I’ll offer the following.

    According to a recent study, women are aroused by watching monkey sex.

    The study, conducted by Meredith Chivers of the Center for Addiction and Mental Health and J. Michael Bailey of Northwestern University. “Biological Psychology”. October 2005.

    The researchers found that while straight men are only aroused by females of the human variety, straight women are equally aroused by … (not for the kiddies) … nonhuman sex.

    This premise suggests that women, more so than men, could be intrigued, even titillated, by the thought of Monkey Sex. So, we’re dealing with a recognised psychosexual phenomenon. Further research required.

    The Urban Dictionary defines Monkey Sex as follows:

    1. Very wild sexual intercourse that may or may not involve the use of monkeys.

    Were monkeys a prerequisite or were they optional?

    2. Wild, unabashed sexual activity that leaves one or more of the participants howling like deranged monkeys.

    Was the well being of your neighbours, or your standing in the local community, ever a consideration when contemplating the possible consequences of indulging in Monkey Sex?

    3. To engage in vigorously steamy sexual intercourse with someone who is not hot but leaves you screaming for more.

    Which of you are considered “not hot”? I’ll assume that, for the sake of argument, it was Monkey Sex Man which beggars the questions;
    1. Are your standards that low? or
    2. Has dispair turned into despiration? (to avoid ambiguity, and those with a spell checker, I’ll once again use the Urban Dictionary’s definition of despiration – “a couple who are despirate to go at it 24/7 even if it means leaving their childeren to walk home from places far away.”)

    Obviously you don’t have to answer these questions publicly and I acknowledge that you didn’t actually endulge in Monkey Sex. However, should the opportunity arise in the future I think it only prudent that you do so with your eyes wide open. To that end I’ve found some informative videos for your consideration.

    http://video.google.com.au/videoplay?docid=-4212311688672576408&ei=y5vmSdWTMYOOwgPXgeXLCA&q=Monkey+sex&hl=en

    The commentary on the second video will be useful to the uninitiated as it points out what makes one attractive enough to attract another Monkey Sex lifestyler.

    On a personal note, after reviewing the published evidence and the videos, I find that Wild Monkey sex is both extremely quick and extremely messy. Whilst this may be all that Monkey Sex Lifestylers require it’s not at all appealing to me.

    Like

    1. Enigmatik,
      Well, before I take your word on the research study, I would have to go back and read the thing for myself to see exactly how reliable those results were. I’d also like to know the sample size of their groups and what the reliability of the data was. This will take time, it’s late and I’m tired so it won’t happen tonight. Personally, the viewing of nonhuman sex, in particular monkeys, is for me, not titillating or arousing, but completely disappointing. I mean really, if you’re the female what’s the point? (Hmmm, come to think of it, kinda reminds me of my last two marriages…I wondered the same thing then too! LOL)
      I’m not quite sure why you felt the need to point out the dictionary definition, wasn’t the visual imagery that came to mind sufficient? Or is it that the imagination just didn’t quite fire this time? 😉
      As for your questions I will answer them each in turn because you are a valued and regular commenter here (as are all my commenters!).

      Monkey Sex Man … now what about that could possibly set off alarm bells?

      Let’s keep in mind that Monkey Sex Man is the name I gave him not the one he gave himself. He listed Monkey Sex as an ideal first date activity. It was funny in the context of the profile, not so much when suggested face to face.

      Were monkeys a prerequisite or were they optional?


      I don’t know. I didn’t get that far but now that I think of it it would have been a great comeback to the proposition.

      Was the well being of your neighbours, or your standing in the local community, ever a consideration when contemplating the possible consequences of indulging in Monkey Sex?


      Again, I wasn’t going to even consider the WMS option so considering the neighbors never factored in.

      Which of you are considered “not hot”? I’ll assume that, for the sake of argument, it was Monkey Sex Man which beggars the questions;
      1. Are your standards that low? or
      2. Has dispair turned into despiration? (to avoid ambiguity, and those with a spell checker, I’ll once again use the Urban Dictionary’s definition of despiration – “a couple who are despirate to go at it 24/7 even if it means leaving their childeren to walk home from places far away.”)

      Clearly I must be the hot one, since he’s still screaming for something he only imagined he might get. Remember, his heart rate was dangerously high. Too much screaming. My standards are not low, he was an attractive Harvard trained biologist who could actually conduct a conversation when he wasn’t so irate about how women in my area are so superficial and insecure. The attractive conversationalist got him to the first date, the rest kept him away. And you speak of it in present tense. I met the guy a year and a half ago…I only agreed to meet him for drinks this last time for the story.

      Finally, I must admit I concur with your assessment of the evidence. Wild Monkey Sex is quick, messy, no fun for the female and if a guy I was with ever did that after sex, he’d seriously end up on The Skull Wall. Okay, maybe I wouldn’t skull him, but I’d so take pictures and post them right here for you all to see. Wait, then that would implicate me too, wouldn’t it.
      Oh well, why start worrying about that now?

      Like

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