Romance Is A Game Best Played On A Level Playing Field, Act 2

Continued from previous post….sfcablecar1

Sure enough, The Beau met Old Flame on Thursday night in San Francisco (liar, his phone was not off, duh!)

The Beau then took about 25 minutes to tell me something that really only required 5 minutes discussion and which I already knew anyway.  I kept wanting to interrupt and say, “Cut to the chase, please” but I refrained due to the remote possibility that I could be wrong and he could be telling me that he finally once and for all put it on the shelf with the Old Flame and wanted to move forward with me. 

I now understand the very definite advantage to going silent.  If someone is going to give me that kind of news, I’m not sure I ever want to sit through half an hour of hearing about how much fun they have with someone who is not me in what happens to be my favorite city in the whole world.  That was the most painful part.  Da** him!  Now I have to pick another favorite city. 😀

Apparently, The Beau and Old Flame (who is, get this, almost 21 years younger than he..I so knew my being only 11 years younger was an issue for him) picked up where they left off, but since she’s living with a fiance of 5 years that she’s supposedly leaving, and because she lives in Texas, there are complications.  Even so, before leaving her on Friday, he told her “If you’re leaving him, I’m interested in pursuing us.”

This, from a man, who couldn’t make a 90 minute twice a month commute work out with someone who has no five year live in fiance still in the picture.  

Yeah.  Like I said: When a man is into a woman….he knows, she knows and there is no obstacle too great.

5blarge5d5banimepaper5dwallpapers_range-murata_dioma1_6__thisres__70420Okay, so none of this came as any surprise to me, though it was painful because it was so disappointing on so many levels. I really liked The Beau. He travelled easily and by this I mean, he fit seamlessly (from our perspective) into our family. I absolutely know, and I speak with confidence from experience not from arrogance or wishful thinking, that we could have blended our families so easily. There was just a high level of mutuality, compatibility, communication and willingness to negotiate without giving ourselves completely up. And we agreed on expectations for behavior from the kids. He also had a wonderful way of calling the kids out respectfully, humanely and without overstepping his bounds, something that is such a must have for me. I think that is important in a relationship but especially when kids are involved.

But for all that The Beau really liked about me and he did “like” me, I was, for him, what the I.J. was for me. Everything, EVERYTHING about me for him stacked up in the “works for me” category for him, except one very important thing: chemistry (while we had it in spades, or so it appeared, it just wasn’t what he had with the Old Flame) .

In addition, The Beau simply was not emotionally available because he had a ghost from his past that just wouldn’t die. He has to follow his heart. I get it. I do wish him all the best.

I did tell The Beau this, “Remember way back when I told you my When A Man Is Into A Woman Philosophy and you disagreed with me?”

He nodded. hes-just1

I continued, “You just proved my point. You think nothing of trying to pursue something in Texas, when 90 minutes killed you with me. When a man is really into a woman….” I let my voice drift off. 

What could he say?

I told him, he needed to follow his heart ( like he needed or cared about getting my permission) and that I totally understood. (I really do understand and I wouldn’t want him hanging anywhere near me if any part of his heart is still somewhere else.)  I told him that I am disappointed but only because the way he feels about the Old Flame, is how I someday hope someone will feel about me and vice versa.  I am unwilling to settle on that score.  I reminded him that this is what I was trying to tell him a month ago, when the status of our “whatever we had” changed. I also told him, that I predicted he’d be married to her by the end of the year. We shook on it.

I also told him I was removing him and her from my Facebook. Not because I’m angry, but because I don’t need daily reminders that I came in second. Not that love and romance is a competition. It isn’t.  I don’t view it that way.  But I do not need reminders daily that I spent the last three months entertaining the idea there might eventually be something, when in fact, there never was the remotest possibility.  Ghosts who are not dead are fully capable of reincarnating themselves.  The real and vibrant living have absolutely no hope against the imagination especially when it centers around ghosts from the past and thoughts of what could have been.  In dating situations like this the the playing field is just.not.level.

Cue sad, romantic music.  Lights gradually dim as The Wild Mind sitting pensively at computer (stage right), picks up coffee mug, leans back in her chair and stares thoughtfully into space (somewhere stage left).   Curtain drops on Act 2 as music fades.

To be continued…

9 thoughts on “Romance Is A Game Best Played On A Level Playing Field, Act 2

  1. Wow Cat,

    This all sounds awfully healthy. It certainly raises the bar for any other men that might be thinking about pursuing you. Actually, I doubt it raised the bar so much as removed the fog surrounding it. Now, having achieved a measure of clarity regarding your expectations, can you still entertain the “what if?” of those first moments when a man steps up and says, “Can I interest you in a pint?” 😉

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    1. Yes, I can entertain the “what if” and yes you can interest me in a pint…you were asking weren’t you? C’mon. You know you were. 😉

      Like

  2. Hmmm. These are simply MY thoughts and do not necessarily reflect the views of the public at large (Or any other human being in existance).

    May I play Devil’s advocate for a minute and suggest there’s a modicum of intellectualisation and isolation going on here?

    While I don’t necessarily disagree with your definitions of Women and Men or your “When A Man Is Into A Woman Philosophy” it needs to be understood that we are (mostly) a product of our experiences and our perceptions/actions are skewed by that experience. Yours included.

    Once again I express my disdain at generalisations and suggest that we all (Women and Men) CHOOSE to act in the way we do. Usually based on previous experience or habit. I say “usually” because there are a myriad of other motivational factors but I don’t have enough procrastination time to go into them.

    I enjoyed reading both posts but I got the impression that your real emotions were hidden in the telling of the story (isolation) in a rational and formal way (intellectualisation).

    You’re frustrated and pissed and there’s nothing wrong with saying it.

    Your favourite city (and one of mine) is a favourite for many reasons that don’t include the Beau. Remember it for what is meant to you before him. If you do I promise to buy you a chowder there one day 😉

    Back to work for me. Thanks once again!

    TC

    Steve

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    1. Steve,
      Yes by all means play the Devil’s Advocate. Really, you can even play the devil. 🙂 j/k!
      Let’s see, to respond a bit more seriously to your comments:
      * Yes, of course, there is a great deal of generalization going on there…broad generalization. I am aware that sometimes generalizations are not helpful or wise, but sometimes they mostly work. This one mostly worked, I think? It made a fun read don’t you think? It was a fun write for me. So fun I sucked four posts out of it.
      * Agreed with you on the statements about we are a product of experiences/habits and our perceptions are skewed by that. Also agreed that we choose…etc.
      * Isolation and intellectualization…hmmmm. I see what you are getting at. Frustrated and pissed? Yes! Yes! Yes! On several counts:
      1. I wish he would have just been up front with me. I feel lied to in a way.
      2. I wish I would have trusted myself more and gone with my gut earlier on. I feel like I cheated myself in a way or let myself down.
      3. While I am frustrated and pissed, I’m not sideways enough about it to lose any sleep over it or spend any more time than these four posts (which maybe is three too many but I was having fun writing it and the writing and off-gassing the experience (however much I did isolate and intellectualize) was more important to me at the time).
      4. SF will always be my favorite city. I was born there. But, it is probably time to find some other cities to enjoy. Not because of The Beau, but because it is a big world out there and I want to see more of it someday. It was most painful to hear a blow by blow description of his date with her there though, I must admit.

      Finally, I have a question for you. Is isolation and intellectualization a bad thing? I guess I automatically assumed that they were. Is it assumed that I’m denying my real feelings when I do that or when anyone does that?
      Just curious.
      Thanks for the comments!
      Cat

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  3. Hey Cat,

    Thanks for replying. I love a good to and fro and yes, it was a good read! lol

    Firstly “good on ya” for having the balls to put yourself out there. Your posts might seem innocuous enough but in reality they say a lot about you and your MO. After reading your posts many predatory types might consider you to be vulnerable and, by words or actions, try to take advantage of that vulnerability.

    I read a considered and somewhat thought provoking article by someone who is “relatively” self assured and aware. I don’t think that you’re vulnerable nor do I think that you’re taken advantage of easily.

    However, I think that you glossed over your feelings of betrayal and the damage to your confidence (second guessing your gut feelings, the SF thing, blah blah blah). Maybe that was intentional (after all we, your readers, don’t have the “right” to know these things) or it is that your defence mechanisms kick in?

    Defence mechanisms are not a bad thing. They are what they are. They’re only “bad” when they inhibit us in some way, growth, learning, relationships etc etc etc.

    That we deny; or fail to acknowledge; or surpress our feelings in one forum doesn’t mean we’ll do so in another or at times of introspection. We all utilise them at one time or another.

    In my case, for example, I often rationalise, intellectualise and sometimes idealise. But because I’m aware that I do this I can, if I so choose (which isn’t often lol) explore my feelings at a time more suitable to me. I don’t need to share them with the world either.

    More food for thought or mere ramblings?

    TC!

    Steve

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    1. Steve,
      I, like you, love a good to and fro!
      First, I’m glad that you enjoyed the read. I started out the thing as an attempt at trying to sort out all my jumbled thoughts and emotions regarding the entire episode. About four paragraphs into it, ideas began coming in rapid fire succession as to ways I could really have fun with it as well as ideas for what happened and why and how I was feeling, though to be very honest, I got more wrapped up in the write on this one than actually deeply exploring the feelings for myself.
      And about that exploring the feelings thing, sometimes its good to be knowledgable, as you seem to be, about the defense mechanisms we can use. This knowledge, I think, can take us to greater levels of self awareness, if we pay attention. I try to pay attention, I don’t always have the knowledge to know what to be paying attention to. It took me a long time to figure out what it meant to project and to recognize when I was doing it or when others were doing it to me. Regarding this piece, I didn’t really want to spend so much time on the feelings for a couple of reasons, one of them being that I didn’t so much want to be called out for sounding needy, negative, or any of a number of other things that people often confuse emotional honesty with. Plus, I really did just want to have fun with it. If I glossed over my feelings, it wasn’t intentional so much as it was that I got distracted.
      One thing I think I failed to mention or bring out in the posts, which is something I’m noticing with each passing moment taking me further from that Saturday night, is that it is incredibly freeing to have closure. To have decided a course of action and be moving toward it…or away from it…as in this case is far more satisfying than standing at the crossroads and wondering which path to proceed down.
      Anyway, yes, thank you for answering my questions. Thank you for providing interesting ramblings filled with food for thought.
      Cat

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  4. Touché.

    It wasn’t my intention to elicit justification of your writing, more so I was commenting on the obvious underlying feelings that, in my opinion (rightly or wrongly) were the initial motivation for the pieces.

    Once again, in my opinion, you’re a good enough writer to convey those feelings without fear of being considered needy or a bitter feminazi. However, as implausible as it might seem, I have been mistaken in the past (I thought I was wrong once, it was a Wednesday, but I was mistaken) and invariably will be/have been again.

    TC!

    Steve

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    1. Nope, sorry, The Beau would love to take credit for my glow in those pictures, but those pictures were taken a good two or three months before I even knew The Beau’s digital psudonym. The reason I look so glowing is because I’m happy, healthy and the pics are being taken by a dear family friend, my good friend “Semi Professional Photographer Friend” who is very good at putting women in the best possible light because he’s been photographing them since he was 15. FYI, there’s no romance there between the two of us…he’s like a brother to me (and NOT in the Appalachian sense). I hate having my pics taken and he’s the only one besides my daughter who could get me to feel comfortable enough to get such great photos…and you haven’t even seen the half of it…
      Plus, I’m just really happy in life for the most part and I think that shows.
      Love your comments and miss hearing from you.
      Cat

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