Alright guys. Here’s the deal. Every woman is different, just like every one of you are. However, there are certain broad generalities that can get you noticed in Online Dating World and move you out of the inbox and onto the dinner table or up to the dinner table.
I can’t tell you how to score that one night stand with the hottie administrative assistant in the marketing department. I can’t tell you how to really wow that young 22-year-old hottie who has yet to earn her bachelor’s degree let alone know what she wants to be when she grows up. I basically can’t tell you how to deal with any woman who isn’t grown up enough or sure enough about what she wants in life to tell you straight up what she wants or needs instead of playing mindless head games rooted in indecision and insecurity. You guys are savvy enough at that already.
If all you want is the head game that feels good momentarily then skip over this post. This post is not for you because you already know how to attract the woman you are looking for and seem to want/need. Have fun with that. Someday, you will grow up, you will recognize the toll life and time and aging take on your mind, emotions, and physique( I mean, seriously, they didn’t invent Viagra for women, now did they?) and you might become weary of the thrill of forever getting naked with strangers. If so, there’s a slight chance something I have to say here might be something useful. If not, click away to another equally useless blog. No offense taken. It’s what we do here.
These are just my thoughts. They aren’t presented in any particular hierarchical order. There is no research to back them up as strategies that really work in helping you to reach “benchmark” in romance land. They are just general ways men behave toward me that I found very endearing and which created a desire in me to want to well, okay, moving on…
1. Write an actual email message to her (if you are in online world). Avoid flirts or cut and paste messages. These usually get the “delete all” click. In that message, introduce yourself simply, but don’t belabor the point that you love to shoot pool, hunt moose and spit off the back deck. If you word your introductory message to her “nicely” (as opposed to “Hey Baby,wanna have hot rampant monkey sex then get to know each other?” or simply “Hey!”) she will check your profile out. You should have listed all that stuff in your profile anyway. If she’s into Harley’s and you have a picture of you on your Harley (again, in the profile and not the message), then it will probably be a go. It sounds a bit like you “need” the Harley too much in order to be successful if you say, “I have a Harley and would love to have you riding on the back of it. Wanna go for a ride?” in your first message to her. It also sounds like you’re more interested in the ride than her. If that’s true, never let her know it. We have ways of finding these things out anyway.
Here’s an actual email I got that I think was one of the best. In the subject line it said simply, “Had to write”. The message, “You have my exact list of interests! LOL!” He had a great picture, which I later found out was really a recent one of him (not more than a year and a half old). It piqued my curiosity so I clicked over to his profile and he was right. But that leads me to point number two:
2. Present a well written profile. You don’t need to be wordy. You don’t need to be ultra creative. You don’t even have to use big words (although for the thinking woman, it does score points if you use big words correctly and in context). Just spell the words correctly. It doesn’t say a whole lot for your manly competence if you misspell simple four letter words. If you mishandle the most basic of written communication (the introductory message) then we’ll wonder what else you’ll mishandle and move on. Trust me, if you write a complete sentence with a capital at the beginning and punctuation at the end and the words spelled correctly, you’ll be noticed. If she doesn’t like it, better you know early on. When the fire’s over and you’re sitting there staring at her over coffee wondering what meaningful conversation you could say that isn’t about her Prada handbag or the new stillettos she just bought, or the fact that she needs to get her nails done, you’ll wish you’d written a better profile.
The guy I mentioned above with the short but sweet introduction wrote a profile that rocked. I could tell he was not just bright but brilliant and he wrote humor well. I not only enjoyed reading his profile for the entertainment value, I enjoyed learning about the personality behind the print.
3. Be considerate and tell the truth! The dating world is no place for disrespectful, rude behavior or falsehood. If she doesn’t respond to you after the first time, you might, if you must, try another polite query, but don’t go stalking her asking if she’s having any luck or accusing her of being a stuck up bitch because she’s beautiful and didn’t reply to your initial query letter. (Yes, I did have this happen to me more than once or twice.) This is why they developed the block feature on many of these sites. Also, remember, that no answer is an answer. It’s no. Accept it. Move on.
If you smoke, say so. If you don’t want kids, say so. I’ve met so many men who marked the no smoking category only to find out that they do smoke a cigar regularly after dinner or whatever. I know some people think cigars and pipes don’t count. Sorry, uh, let me explain that one to the four little truth monitors living in my home. Smoking is smoking regardless. Just disclose early. If you disclose later it feels a bit like a trick and then the trust issue becomes a big issue. Not a good way to start something out, is it?
P.S. On some sites, you have to pay to respond but you can list your profile without paying. I did this several places and got loads of dates without ever having to respond once. In fact, my first significant relationship after divorce started this way. The guys who were smart enough to guess that the reason I might not be responding was because I wasn’t a paying member and who gave me their email in a format such as ” crotchrocket at the smiley face place” were the people I knew were smart enought to spend some time with over coffee. And I did. And I liked it every time. Now that I’ve given out that secret that particular screen for intelligence is no longer valid, however.
4. After you’ve started communication and you want to move to the next level of phone call or meeting put it out there. My golden rule here is: Ask for what you want. I do not mean asking her to do the nasty with you either. Plenty of time to ask for that later. If you’d like to meet her for coffee or cocktails say, “I’d love it if we could meet for coffee this week. Does that sound good to you?” If she says yes, then suggest a time and a place and let her counter if it doesn’t work for her. Don’t worry that what you suggest might be wrong. If you are both thinking adults you’ll be able to commincate, in spite of the intense passion you are feeling over the nets, and you’ll come to some sort of agreement. If she’s busy it might take a few exchanges to work something out, but don’t get all bent out of shape if it isn’t exactly the easiest deal at first. This is called negotiating the differences and it is how mature, respectful couples make their marriages last. Well, at least that’s what I’ve heard. On the flip side, one big turn off for me is when the guy says, “Hey, here’s my number. When you’re free, give me a call.” That indicates to me that he’s not really willing to work through the minor schedule crap with me and if he can’t even handle that little act of negotiation he’ll completely come unglued when we have to negotiate how to spend our money and time together. No thanks. I never call.
5. Once you’ve met and you’ve decided she’s as hot or hotter in the real world than she is in digital world (and you’ve ascertained that she is indeed who she says she is, single, has all her original body parts, well, mostly anyway) and you want to see her again, say so. It’s easy. You just simply say, “I’ve really enjoyed meeting you. I’ve had a lot of fun and would like to see you again. Would you be interested in going out to dinner next weekend?” Try to keep the drool from dripping too rapidly from your mouth to the table and, really, don’t spit on her. You can then set up a time and a place to get together again, using information she gave you in your conversation. Make sure you put the details out there and do the intial effort of setting it up. Don’t leave the arrangement making to her until you’re in a more stable relationship together. Even then, don’t leave all the plan making to her. One guy I dated refused to actually make the arrangements for the first date. He asked me out, then played the “What Do You Want To Do?” game. That’s not a good game to play with me because I’ll try just about anything once and for a first date I really had no preferences. Plus, I think it is important to figure out if a guy can make a decision or if I’m going to have to always do the relational work. He was attractive enough so I set everything up. Big mistake. He then “forgot” his wallet and I ended up paying. By that time, I’m thinking if I dated him long term I’d be adding another child to my household instead of joining forces with a competent adult companion.
6. When you go out, do make sure you have your wallet and you pay. It’s just a really nice thing to do and we think you are really into us when you do it.
7. It is okay to follow up afterward with an email or a call afterward expressing again how much you enjoyed being with her. I once got a dozen long stemmed red roses delivered to me at work the next day. That was pretty impressive! It didn’t change the fact that I just didn’t think the two of us were a good fit, but it did impress me about his character and his willingness to do what it took to let a woman know how he felt.
There’s my top seven.
What have I left out?