If I Doubt, Then He’s Out

Alright.  Enough with my whining and moping, pondering and postulating.  I have been enlightened.  I know for sure how a woman (and I think a man, but I’ll leave that for the men to decide, since I am not one of them and cannot possibly presume to understand what their take might be) can be sure that the “person of the hour” is really that into them. 

I’ve wondered about this and theorized about this both publicly and privately long enough.  From the not getting things quite off the ground to going completely silent after there’s been a great deal of supposed chemistry and intimacy (apparently that was only a one-sided deal), there are a million things that masquerade as a potentially decent relationship but which leave us feeling disappointed, sad, cheated, maybe even foolish for wasting the time in some instances and heartbroken for years  in others. I’ve felt all of these things and more and I’m certain I’m not alone. We wish we would have read the warning signals better or heeded them earlier but at the same time we loved every minute of what we imagined or thought was going on.  Or maybe we didn’t.  Maybe it was all just a miserable attempt to fix something that never was going to work but which somehow pushed our buttons in some weird way and we were drawn in.  Who knows what the deal is or why?  It didn’t work out.  No one likes to leave something they thought was valuable and  heading to the next level feeling cheap, used and invalidated.  I suspect, that is how most of us end up feeling on some level when we finally realize (after we’ve invested our time, money, energy and hearts) that the person of our affections is simply not that into us.  Forget that, it is how I end up feeling and I hate it.  I really would rather avoid that at all costs.  So, I strive to answer the question…how can I know…before it is too late.

I now know. 

At least, for this moment. 

I could change my perspective in ten minutes, but for now, I think I know.

Part of my conclusions come from my readers.  All three, or maybe it is now five of them, who actually comment.  I’m especially indebted to the men who’ve chimed in (I hope you won’t stop chiming) because your perspectives have in every instance confirmed what I already suspected to be the case with men and how they show their affections.  I also know from women who’ve travelled my same path and shared about it.  This would be friends, colleagues, other bloggers, anyone I’ve bumped into, shared coffee with or read who had the guts to tell their story.  They confirm what I suspected all along.  They confirmed what I was afraid to face all along.

My conclusions also come from deep within myself.  They don’t automatically surface from “deep within” because, quite frankly, I’m just not all that in touch with me all the time.  This would explain all the wandering, rambling and cloudy thinking I demonstrate (no really it is not my sub normal IQ at work here).  Deep down, I just know when he’s just not that into me…

Now, I could be wrong…

I’m willing to entertain other perspectives and viewpoints…

I’m willing to consider that hunger….


fatigue or loneliness…..

 insecurity and fear…

may impair my judgement…but…

I suspect I might be really close on this one…


Here’s how I think I know that I can be sure whether or not he’s really that into me:

“If I Doubt, Then He’s Out”

Okay, now I’m not talking about after the first couple of meetings/dates when you’re wondering if things are going to launch.  I’m talking about when you are into the deal and you are still wondering “Where the hell do I stand with this guy?”  The mere wondering is my answer. 

Truth is, we know.  We know what we want.  We want the fire, the passion, the “feelings”, the “chemistry”, the everything…and we want it to be coupled with a compatible relationship that can go the distance.  I want him reaching for my hand in the car instead of me always being the one to reach for his.  I want him to initiate the affection as much as or more than I do.  I prefer the more than I do and that will have to be a lot because I’m a touchy feely sort (well, not weirdly so, I hope).  I’ve had these experiences.  I’ve had guys who were so into me that they were willing to try to make love to me in the clearance sweater bin at Macy’s, but, sadly, I’m simply not that much of an exhibitionist.  I’ve had guys who were so into me that after the very first date with me I received flowers on my desk at work the next day.  No, not one or two pretty orchids in the latest seasonal arrangement of greenery and Baby’s Breath.  I’m talking the 12 long stemmed blood red roses in a vase that communicates in girl world, “Wow!!!!  He’s really into you!!!! Who is this guy?  We didn’t even know you were dating someone! Oh, do tell!”  

Compare this with the situation where everything seems simply “nice”.  The dutiful call every day is made, regular time spent together occurs and is very fun, things seem to be “all systems go” on the surface but in every instance you’re left wondering. Wondering where you stand and if he’s really into you…or…if he’s just biding time…till…gulp…sick feeling in pit of stomach…something “better” (younger maybe?  prettier maybe?  thinner maybe? wealthier maybe? or even worse feeling in pit of stomach just anything maybe? ) comes along.  This isn’t just insecurity kicking in here.  This is real doubt. 

Communication is both a verbal and a nonverbal transaction. When given an option,  people generally believe a person’s actions over their words every time (if the two are in disagreement, that is). Behavior or the lack of it combined with the words, the tone, the hesitations, the silences communicate and don’t communicate volumes.  In any of the cases where men were head over heals for me, I never once for a moment questioned it…even if the relationship got tense at points…even if the relationship was one that I wasn’t that excited about.   Those men who’ve been brave enough to put themselves out there and commented on past posts confirmed my theory (at least enough for my sloppy but very valid research). My conversations with married men who are still in their first marriages and pushing 20 years who absolutely adore their wives, confirm my hunches too.

I think the bottom line is:  When he’s into you, you know and there is absolutely no room for doubt. 

If you don’t absolutely know then, my dear, you really do know…he’s just not that into you.

Whenever  you wonder or doubt, you also know.  If you wonder or doubt what he’s about then he’s not IN to you, he’s OUT there either killing time, considering his options (who wants to be an “option” anyway?) or simply uncertain himself.

For me, no need to waste anymore time wondering past a certain point.   If we’ve been dating for any length of time and I don’t know that he’ll go to any length to  hang the moon in my sky then, guess what?  Hate to say it, you know it’s coming so I’ll skip it.  But, for myself, I know.  I’ll never wonder again.

If I do then the very act of wondering becomes my answer.

10 thoughts on “If I Doubt, Then He’s Out

  1. I think there are a couple other perspectives to consider as well – at least from my experience. 1 – He’s into you, but with what motives? Is it because he is into *you* or the idea of being in love with someone, anyone. Is it because he’s into *you* for who you are, or what you represent to him to boost his own insecure ego?

    2 – He’s into you, but you just aren’t into him. There are things about him, his personality, his life philosophies that just don’t sync right with yours and you wonder about your own beliefs and question your own motives and standards.

    These both happened to me, and ultimately I walked away. He was totally into me, but never once asked me about me. He just wanted a “relationship”. His lifestyle and standards (too much drama, not sober, etc) didn’t mesh with mine and no matter how I tried to question it or analyze it or modify myself, it wasn’t a fit.

    I guess what I’m saying is sometimes it’s not about how much into *you* he is (i.e. it’s not all about me all the time) sometimes it’s how much you are into him and it has nothing really to do with you. The feelings just aren’t there.


  2. Meant to add that when he’s into you, even if you aren’t 100% into him, it is so easy to get sucked in. We are always flattered and drawn in when someone is utterly fascinated with us. The hard part comes in trying to step back from that attention and objectively evaluate what is happening here.


    1. Hmmm, that’s not where I struggle, but I do understand that can be an issue. In general, I’m not talking about when I’m not into him. That’s usually pretty clear to me. I’m also not talking about when I’m not sure I’m into him. That, too, is a pretty clear signal that I’m not all that into him. What I’m talking about is when I am into him and because of the time invested and conversations experienced, he should be without a doubt into me and I should know it, but, somehow, I’m still wondering what’s his deal. I’m also not talking about early stages of relationship either. I’m talking about an exclusive situation that just leaves you wondering, “Is this all there is?” or “What the heck does this guy think of me? Friends? Girlfriend? Friend with benefits? or simply “Something To Do For Now?” or “Something To Do When I Don’t Have Anything Better To Do”.
      Who needs the angst?
      The questions alone, become the means to the answer. That’s all.


  3. Girl, I think you nailed it. Be aware, this post may come back to haunt you as I throw it in your face when necessary. =)

    Also, sometimes, it’s ok to not be totally into each other and just be a “just for now” relationship. My last relationship was a just for now relationship. He was hot, no he was HELLAHOT in my book, there was chemistry like no tomorrow and I enjoyed every single minute of it although I knew that it wasn’t going to go anywhere. Sure enough, we eventually ended and that was that. It was good while it lasted, but it was good when it ended, too. Does it really have to be a totally into you long term relationship or is a just for now or day by day relationship ok, too? Think about it.


    1. Does it really have to be a totally into you long term relationship or is a just for now or day by day relationship ok, too? Think about it.

      Hmmm, okay, thought about it. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. I’d love to have back the decade between your age and mine. I’d see and do things a lot differently and I’d be much wealthier. It doesn’t have to ever be a totally into me LTR, but, seriously, isn’t a totally into to you and a day by day relationship the same thing? I’m only sayin’ I don’t want to waste time where I’m not wanted or…where I’m not sure whether or not I’m wanted. I have plenty of places I am wanted and plenty of places I would rather be than with those who are nursing their own insecurities in my company until the latest model hottie comes along.
      That’s all.


  4. Wish I could get my gravatar to work!!! I like the new pic.

    Maybe my “problem” is that I am not looking for a long term thing. Hell, I’m not even looking at the moment. LOL That fact aside, I just can’t imagine getting remarried until my kids are gone, so if I date, it’s either for fun or he’s gonna have to tag along for quite sometime. Don’t get me wrong, by fun, I’m not talking friend with benefits, I’m still talking relationship but more in the terms of kicked back let’s have fun together and see where this ends up if it ends up anywhere and exclusive.

    I know we’ve had this conversation a million times, but it’s not an age thing for me. I’ve basically been single for 14 years. That’s most of my adult life. During that time, a woman becomes pretty independent and it takes quite the man to impress her…if he can ever be found. Also, like I’ve said, men my age either have never had kids or they screwed it up the first time and are looking for kids. I am done with the kids…well, not done, but not starting over. I am looking forward to my me time, ya know? Married at 18, first baby at 21, there was just never a me time.

    Anyway I hear ya and as your friend, I promise to remind you of your own words of wisdom. =)


    1. I think you misunderstood me on the age thing. Life looks different in some ways from out here and you can’t possibly see it till you get here no matter how long you’ve been whatever relationship status you are. It has to do with time. Perspectives on time change as we age. That’s more what I was referring to. Even a casual relationship requires one to make accommodations and adjustments. Ones we do gladly but, even so, as I get older, I’m less inclined to spend my time in meaningless endeavors( except this blog, of course).


  5. Well, Cat, in my comments I wasn’t referring specifically to you because I didn’t think you were talking specifically about you at the end of your post. Sorry you took it that way.


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