Long Term Relationship or One Night Stand? How Can She Know What He’s Thinking?

I will be the first to admit that I have no idea what the male experience is like in approaching members of the opposite sex cold, but it is nice to know (judging from the topics and comments on this blog) that men appear to be just as uncertain about the whole process as women are. 

Now, there are a lot of sites out there that give men tips and pointers for meeting women, initiating conversation with women you don’t know, picking up women, and quite frankly, the topics go from being really quality and insightful about how just to be a more confident, outgoing person to just being nice enough for just long enough to hook up for a few hours.

As a female, who is pretty good at meeting guys and who really never lacks for dates unless I choose to spend the time alone (which admittedly I do on occasion, though not lately), I must admit I can’t tell if a guy is sincerely looking to develop something for the longer haul or if he is just looking for a one night stand.  Well, clearly if we’re at a bar and he comes on really strong and he’s clearly been drinking and he asks to take me home, chances are pretty good he’s hoping to get some and I’m not giving. 

Otherwise, beyond the clearly obvious and outrageous, both approaches look the same to me.  Now, I don’t do one night stands so I honestly can’t tell you if both approaches end the same. If a guy is lucky and we’ve developed a friendship, of sorts, in advance, he might get a hug goodnight on the first date.  I know, I’m really old school.  So, as far as comparing the two approaches, if there are two separate approaches,  I can only imagine that one approach ends in silence or quasi-silence and the other does not.  But how can a woman know before she has to experience the “end” to know it was a bad deal for her from the beginning?

I wonder, is a man’s behavior when meeting a woman for the first time different when he’s hoping to find a long term relationship than it is when he’s just looking for a one night stand?  Is there any way a woman can know in advance that she’s just being played as the casual fling or not?

My guess is women should just say no.  If he calls again, and again, and again…he’s really into you.  If not, you have your answer.  Is there any other way to know?

15 thoughts on “Long Term Relationship or One Night Stand? How Can She Know What He’s Thinking?

  1. Cat – I think it’s really very simple. He’s looking to spend a few hours with a friendly, attractive, intelligent woman. That’s it. Live in the moment. We as women tend to over-complicate and analyze the crap out of every thing a man does … “What does that mean??” Maybe it means absolutely nothing. Take the sex and dating out of the equation. When you meet someone for the first time, do you instantly know that you will be lifelong friends, or that you even want to spend more than those few hours with that person? Probably not. Rarely will you know that you will be best friends forever. That’s unrealistic.

    Men are just as simple, in my opinion. I didn’t say simpleminded – just straightforward. Generally speaking, there isn’t a hidden agenda. They may or may not want to get to know you more. Just go with the flow, live in the moment, and enjoy the date for what it is – a date, a nice evening with a man. Let the results work themselves out. Enjoy the process and the adventure.

    That’s my perspective based on past experience of planning my wedding with the guy on the first date. It doesn’t work, and they can sense it no matter how hard I try to cover it up and the men run like hell every time.


    1. Little Miss,
      Well, first off let me say that your comments are great as always.
      Next let me clarify that I wasn’t asking this for my personal benefit necessarily. I’m not exactly starving for attention in this department, unless I choose it so I figure I must be doing something right. And (pondering carefully) I’m not just serial dating either.
      I just happened on to this other site today and as one thought tends to lead to another, I was just curiously wondering a.) if there are times when guys do have agendas (as you put it) and b.) if it is possible to tell what that agenda is before one ends up in the quagmire of being checked off the “to do” list?

      I’m not sure it is entirely possible to take the sex and the dating out of the equation entirely though, I mean, what fun would that be? πŸ™‚

      I just wondered if guys thought differently about the whole process than women. One thing’s for sure, judging from many of the blogs and websites I’ve stumbled over, they definitely think about it!


  2. I’m curious if women fear growing old alone less than men? Most men including myself do not want to spend their lives alone…without a mate. It seems that women only need their friends and some chocolate and bam! they’re good to go. I am kind of joking there but kind of not, it seems women handle the alone thing better than men – so do women want to marry the right guy and grow old with someone or do they really care?


    1. Jeff,
      Great questions! My take is that it depends upon the women. We do gain a lot from sharing chocolate with our girlfriends that guys just can’t understand, but some of us do desire that quality companionship. Still others of us want both and we won’t settle till we find it.
      I’d love to hear what others think on this one.
      Oh, and guess what? I just read an article in Prevention magazine that talked about a diet that included chocolate as a means to reduce abdominal fat. Wow!
      Anyway, thanks for chiming in!


  3. Cat, I wasn’t aiming my comment at you. Just speaking generally as a woman, from experience and observation of other women. And when I said take the sex and dating out of the equation, that meant when considering what the guy was thinking. It didn’t mean live without it. πŸ˜‰ I’m just a firm believer in living in the moment and accepting things at face value and not trying to overanalyze things. These are things I’m not so good at, so the finger is probably pointing mostly at me.

    Can I take a stab at answering Jeff’s question?

    Jeff – for me, I fear growing old alone. It’s the last thing I want. However, at the same time, I don’t want to be trapped with getting old with the wrong man. I believe that there is someone – I hope, anyway – who I can grow old with who I will never tire of spending time with. Until I find him, I’d rather be alone. And it’s not a matter of my girlfriends or chocolate being better companions. It’s a matter of I just haven’t found him yet.


  4. Ok, Jeff, I have to pipe in on this one. Of course, I can only comment on my perspective, but as a 35 year old, divorced, single mom, I can tell you that I would much rather be single than be in most relationships. Catch that I say “most” relationships. I’ve been in the bad relationships, I’ve dated, I’ve put my life on hold for that special man, I even put it so much on hold that I got married at 18 and followed him and his dreams for a few years. It’s only within the last four years that I have really figured out who I am and what my dreams are. In that discovery, I have also found happiness. Do I want to be alone? Not really, but it is a price that I am willing to pay. I will not lose myself again and I will not compromise my dreams. My first child will be leaving home in roughly 4 years and the last will be out the door in 10. For better or worse, I’m counting down.

    I actually asked myself recently if I was ok with growing old alone. The reality hit that I will never be alone. I will always have my children and one day I will have grandchildren (God willing). Is this the same as an intimate relationship with a man? Not even close. Do I want that relationship? Absolutely, but I’m not sure that I’ll find it. I am keeping my eyes open although my guarded heart is probably another matter. Friends, chocolate and even children and pets will never take the place of a good man, but they sure are a good replacement for the bad men. LOL

    I should clarify that by “bad men”, I don’t necessarily mean that the majority of men are bad. Sometimes, the man and woman are a bad match and it’s that basic. My ex husband is a good person and I have a lot of respect for him, but we are a bad match. =]


    1. Cindy,
      Yet another excellent perspective. I was actually thinking today as I dumped a friend’s garbage that chocolate and girlfriends are a bit overrated…but I’ll help a girlfriend offload her garbage any day because I feel macho afterward…I mean, how weird is that????!!! LOL!
      P.S. I am woman hear me roar and all that prac


  5. (This is the “new” Cindy lol)

    Perhaps part of that machoness is the fact that when we unload garbage (whether it is ours or someone else’s), we unload a little more of the psychological garbage as well. Next time, perhaps your friend should bring chocolate along. LOL

    I do know what you mean, though. Ironically (or is it?) I posted a topic about finding our inner strength through such things as these.



    1. Jeff,
      I totally understand that feeling, Jeff. I’ve been there, done that. It also appears that I’m not the only one who understands or has felt the very same lonliness. Take a look at the other encouraging comments.


  6. Jeff,

    As a divorced person, it makes perfect sense. I am sorry for the loneliness that you are feeling. I hope that you and your wife are able to seek help and work things out.



  7. I just popped back in and saw the comments and I’m pleased that you guys actually “get it”. If I’m going to be alone Iwould rather do it by myself.
    It’s along story how it got this way but I’m going to tell this story when I’m back on to see if any of you guys have had the same experience.


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