Random, Sweeping Generalizations

Gads!  I hate people who make broad, random, sweeping generalizations.  I say that, recognizing that I am just as guilty of this crime as the next guy.  The only difference between me and the next guy is that I am aware that I am doing it and the next guy isn’t (how’s that for a random, sweeping generalization?). Sigh.

“All women feel guilty after sex.” 

Now, ladies, before you laugh so hard you require surgery or a change of underwear, let me tell you that this is a statement I actually heard from someone within the last week.  He was serious.  He was also very, very drunk.  Drunk or not, I believe that he believes that this is really reality.  I should so recommend a few of my single mom bloggy friends to him to read.  He’d learn a very different perspective very quickly.  Most women in Single Momdom are adults…and we make our decisons, for the most part as adults…not as inexperienced teenagers struggling over the loss of our virginity or purity.  For that matter, I should also recommend a few of my single dad bloggy friends to him to read. He’d learn very quickly that the women they are meeting and dating (and there are many out there) are not a bit guilt ridden over a good time between the sheets with a man they are attracted to. Disappointed, maybe, if the relationship doesn’t progress, however, guilt ridden?  I so think not!  This person is clearly out of touch with the reality of most women his age.  I believe that his is what he hopes is the case, not what is really the case.  But anyway…

Next generalization…

“Any woman could go grocery shopping at (insert the name of your own local bag-your-own grocery store here) and get 5 guys in an instant who would go out with her.”  Same drunk redneck, making this generalization as made the first one.  Now, the first one, I know is not true.  I know this because I am a woman and I don’t feel guilty after sex. (Okay, admittedly there are times I’ve been disillusioned, even horrified, but let’s be clear disillusionment and horror are not the same emotion as guilt.)   Even one person not feeling guilty makes his generalization invalid.  Easy generalization to disprove.

This second one however, is trickier to disprove because it actually requires some research and data collection.  So, in the interests of integrity and wiping out all falsehood and kicking random, sweeping generalizations on their butts, I went to the local bag-your-own grocery store and did my own research.

My inquiry statement was, “Can all women grocery shopping at this store get 5 guys in an instant who would go out with her?”  Okay, remember, it takes only one to dispell this generalization and I chose myself as the one control group specimen. 

Here is what I observed. 

But first, some background.  The excursion was an end of the month quick grocery run with my son to pick up milk, English muffins and a cheap, cheap bottle of white wine.  (Yes, it has  been a stressful back-to-school season. I’m celebrating the fact that I’m not only alive at this point, but that things actually seem to be settling into a routine.  Woot! Woot! for me!) 

Seriously?  Five men that would go out with me? 

Okay, I’m attractive and all, but really?  Five men who would jump my bones in an instant if given the chance?  Easier said than done. Here’s why. They simply wouldn’t want the chance, nor would they be given the chance.  This is what I saw.

Of the 87.6 men that I saw 50.4 of them were wearing a gold band on the third finger of the left hand indicating that they were either emotionally or legally unavailble.  Not a go.

Of the 37.2 remaining men,  10.2 were male children under the age of ten. I simply dont’ think so, sorry. 

Of the 27 remaining, 14 of them were there with another woman roughly about their own age.  Seriously?  If they even tried to come on to me their male organs would be served to them for dinner that night guaranteed.  Not going to happen.

Of the the thirteen men now remaining, and…yes…I am using the term “men” loosely…6 of them were clearly residents of the local assisted care facility.  Sorry, but no can do.  Spent my childhood caring for the elderly and infirm, don’t want to do that anymore. Even if I was interested, I’m not sure they’d remember where they last left the Viagra.  Next.

5 of the remaining seven men were 20-somethings who were there helping their elderly and infirm mothers grocery shop.  I’m not a cougar and they didn’t look once in my direction, let alone twice so it’s all good. No go there.

The final two men, of the original, 87.6 were clearly in a relationship with each other and nothing I could do was going to persuade them otherwise.

So, I just went to said grocery store, checked out the availability, found none. Voila! Said generalization is on its derriere!  Humph! I really hate random, broad generalizations from randomly, generally stupid people.  They can be disproven almost every time. 

In the end, every good research project ends with some observations and conclusions and suggestions for further research.

This particular research project seems to indicate that this particular random generalization of a drunk man who is barely old enough to tie his own shoes is completely unfounded. Just because he’d jump anyone at the local bag-your-own doesn’t mean everyone would or that everyone would want to jump anyone and everyone that crossed their path.

Next.  Finding good relationship is easier said than done.  This is the major suggestion for further research.  Just what exactly does it take for two people to hit it off, make it work far beyond the level of mediocrity and also make it work over the long haul?  These are the questions that were not addressed in this study, which certainly deserve some serious consideration.

Anyone up for this?

Religious vs. Non-Religious

There are several reasons why I don’t usually venture down the road of the theological. 

First, it is because it doesn’t matter.  Okay, wait.  Hear me out. It’s not that theology, religion or spirituality isn’t important to me, it is just that the discussions are not necessarily important, especially those discussions that tend to divide and take sides as in the theist vs. non-theist discussion that occur ad nauseum all over the blogging world. 

Seriously.  What good are these discussions?  Has anyone ever been converted from their standpoint as the result of one of these dialogues? I’d like to hear if they have.  I suspect though that if they have then that’s the exception and not the rule.  Most of the discussions of this nature seem to me to be people picking fights with other people just to create some drama so they can get their daily adrenaline rush.  Not something I’m inclined to want to do much of. 

The next reason I don’t really go there with the spiritual or religious or theological or lack there of is because again, it doesn’t matter if I do.  Here’s what I mean by that this time.  It means, I know what I think pretty much.  I have some definite convictions, I have lots of questions and sometimes even some real serious doubts.  None of it can be “proven” from a scientific point of view (neither theism nor non-theism can be proven) though many make some very logical arguments for their particular side.  Nevertheless, regardless of the amount of logic, it is generally isn’t sufficient enough to sway my perspectives from those that after my own study, reflection and research and the conclusions I’ve come to as the result.  Nor are my arguments going to be convincing enough to alter anyone else’s views…usually. 

Another reason I don’t go here is that if I were to do so, I’d immediately have a bunch of people from all ends of the spectrum throwing their dogma at me in an effort to a.) share their opinion or b.) try to change my perspective.  I don’t so much mind a.  but I really hate b.

Finally, and probaby the real reason I don’t deal with the more religious or spiritual much is because I’ve placed my own views squarely under the microscope and am refining my own focus.  I’m not abandoning my conclusions per se, but some of my own warped and misguided and misinformed thinking has to be reassessed and quite possibly adjusted.  This is not a process I necessarily want to make public…yet.  Not saying I never will I just don’t feel like it right now.

How Do You Feel About That Ugly Word Baggage?

Personally, the word “baggage” is a term that rankles me.

Several posts ago,  in the comments section of the article titled Kip’s Challenge, I was quite pointedly and not-so-nicely accused of having baggage.  He made the comment that most men reading my blog would slowly back away from their computer monitors and retreat to the companionship of other men in a bar.  The implication being that relationship with me would be too much work. (Now, how he would know what other single men would or would not do since he is a.) not one of them and, b.) not a woman dating them, is beyond me, but, yeah, we’ll go with that for now.) Supposedly, Kip has an inside track to the normal healthy available  male mind (the aberrant, unhealthy and unavailable don’t interest me, for obvious reasons.

That comment of Kip’s elicited a flurry of comments which ended in Kip silently backing away from his computer monitor and retreating into silence without much of a fight.  It’s been said that silence is interpreted as agreement.  Need I say more about that?

I’m not entirely certain what Kip  meant by baggage, but if, as I think he did, he was referring to the typical things that people refer to when labeling someone as having “baggage” (kids, past failed marriages, life history and experience, a career, some debt, and a life of my own that I actually enjoy and am not willing to necessarily tube for some dolt with a penis and a pocketbook) then I suppose he is right.  I have baggage and loads of it.  The fact that he said it, doesn’t really bother me so much, the fact that he was the one saying it, when I know full well he is sitting on top of a load of baggage far messier and larger than my own, is what I found humorous.  But you can go read all that for yourself over there if you like.  I’d suggest you not waste your time…unless you actually like some drama.

Over the last two years, I’ve done some thinking about the word baggage, and Kip’s comment forced me to revisit and take another look at this ugly word.

It is an ugly, ugly word.  It is ugly because it attacks the person at the core of their being but doesn’t mean anything at the same time.

Upon entering the dating scene nearly two years ago,now, I like most others just coming out of a disastrous marriage, was in no shape to begin dating.  Even so, I ventured forth against the advice of good friends who knew me and knew better.  I dated for about six months, learned a lot about myself and eventually quite dating, because I determined my friends were right.  I need to sort myself out first before I was going to even be able to recognize a soul mate should he ever venture onto the scene. 

During this initial dating period, I tried several different methods of meeting people.  One of them being, online dating.  In fact, I tried nearly all the prominent well known ones and some of the not so well known ones.  During this online dating phase, I encountered the word baggage more often than I care to remember. 

Baggage is an ugly, derogatory word that contains a million diffferent meanings depending upon who is using the word and what their particular definition of it might be. It is like the word love in reverse.  People love God, or they love their significant other or their kids, and they love movie theatre popcorn or stiletto pumps, or lobster.  Another vague and meaningless word like this is the word, “good”.  What exactly is good?  He felt good.  That movie was good.  You are a good person.  Baggage is yet another word that is so vague as to be meaningless anymore except when it is used it can really sting.  Even if it isn’t true.

You often hear folks mention it in their profiles saying things like this, “Those with baggage need not apply.”  LOL!  Like, first of all anyone with baggage is really going to admit it and second of all, what exactly are you calling baggage there, buddy?  I mean, really? Seriously?  As if the person writing it who is pushing 50 has a clean slate themselves.  If they do, that’s the biggest piece of baggage!  Baggage for me (not divorced, a lot of drama associated with the past because the divorce settlement or parenting time was vague, too many financial loose ends involving the ex, a volatile or violent ex,  emotional instability, a prison record, unemployed, homeless, addicted) could be entirely different for someone else.  Most men seem to state kids, addictions, and insecurities as the main elements of baggage.  Most men do not include a stalker woman as one who has baggage since they mostly like to be stalked.  Expecially if the woman is beautiful, tiny and has had her breasts magically enlarged so that they are significantly larger than her buttocks.  What they don’t really recognize though, is that a woman like that (unless she paid for the services herself) is probably carrying a load of “baggage” (read insecurities and not comfortable in her own skin) and has even bigger expectations for relationship which don’t center around accepting the man as he is but instead focus on measuring him in light of the depth and breadth of his pocketbook.  But I digress.

Most of the time, when someone says, “He/She has a ton of baggage” it is intended as malicious insult aimed at undermining the recipient’s competence as an adult human being.  It simply means “He/she is incapable of doing life”.  They are an incompetent individual unable to deal successfully with the challenges of adult life, therefore they are being crossed off the list of life by someone, usually, who has enough baggage of their own as to make the person they are criticizing look bag free.

It doesn’t mean merely that person was not a good fit.  It doesn’t mean that  the person made some bad choices in the past but they are overcoming them and they’ll be alright.  It’s a completely derogatory term usually used by the middle aged single people for other middle aged single people.  And most people don’t mean “life experience” or “the past” when they are talking about it.  They definitely mean to lump all the person’s issues into one neat and tidy word without specifying anything but with the clear intent to verbally knock the person flat.  Because really, the term baggage is so vague, so broad, who honestly can argue with it?

To many, I would be someone with a lot of baggage: four kids, a home that I own that I have not foreclosed on, but which needs some cosmetic improvements and which has a yard that needs tending to in order to keep it beautiful, a diminishing debt load and a successful career that requires a lot of time and energy from me during 9 months of the year.  That would be baggage for some.

For others, my baggage would center around the fact that I have two marriages that didn’t work out.  Okay, I’ll say it: I have two failed marriages. And, yes, they failed because I was as much a part of the problem as the other person.  That admission somehow sends off alarms to all (well, at least the unhealthy insecure ”all”)  that I’m incompetent in relationship.  People make assumptions instead of asking the critical question, “What was that about for you?”  For others, my baggage would center around the fact that I’ve spent a fair amount of time after my last divorce thinking through exactly that very question and reflecting not only on what the other person did or didn’t do that didn’t work for me, but also on how I contributed to the problem.  The result is, in some areas I’m very clear on what I will or will not tolerate in relationship.  I’m clear on what the foundations of a good relationship must be and how to recognize them. I’m becoming more and more clear on what my limitations are and what does or doesn’t work for me and my boundaries in this regard are getting firmer daily. I’m also unwilling to waste time in any relationship that doesn’t demonstrate at least the basics of emotional, financial and legal availability and the biggie: mutual  acceptance and respect .  Many men, especially those, who haven’t a clear concept of their own self identity, who are insecure or immature, and/or who need a woman to take care of them or fulfill them or to meet their self-centered needs, or who are simply stupid, can’t stand me.

I’m totally okay with that! 

The term baggage, however, is  one of those words which while intended to harm the person talked about, also implicates the person wielding the word.  When someone uses that word, eyebrows raise and the question goes out, “Oh, really, what do you mean?”  It works like this.  You use the word “baggage”.  The question goes out, “What do you mean?”  The word is uselessly vague so you must clarify the word and in clarifying the word you malign the other person somehow. When you malign another from your past, especially when on a date with a new person, it is the death knell.  You’ve succeeded in assassinating the person you were talking about but you made yourself look just as bad in the process. Baggage is an ugly word which when used reflects badly on both the person targeted but even more so the person using the word.

How do you feel about the word “baggage”?  What does that word mean to you?