Life Sucks…But I Can See Clearly Now!

Life sucks.  Have you noticed that?  I mean, okay, it doesn’t always suck, but a lot of it really sucks.  The older I get the more I notice that more of life simply sucks.  Just watch the news.  Most of it is bad, even deplorable.  Think of this.  You are beatuiful and energetic when you are young but but you are also hopelessly stupid, naive and inexperienced or else you are so jaded and calloused as to be well, no fun.  Then, just when you have life sort of figured out, or more figured out than you ever have, you die.  So life sucks. 

There is this one aspect of life sucking that I was thinking about today.  Life sucks because it is filled with change and often this change is accompanied by loss and grief.  Every little change has encapsulated in it some sort of loss.  Even if the change is good and positive, there is some loss of the old way, the way things were, the way things have been until this specific change however grand or minute it might be occurs. Even if it means one must part ways with some preferred way of thinking about things, the change can be dramatic and can range from being merely uncomfortable to completely life altering.  Today, I experienced one such change which inconsequential as it might seem on the surface refracted shades of larger changes and the dynamic of emotion contained within those changes.  Change and transition which happen to us on a small scale each and every day and on a much larger scale, once or twice in a lifetime, can be pivotal  points in our lives.

 Today, I had to go to my eye doctor and have my eyes checked.  Now, my eyes are fine, but I’ve had glasses since I was 17 years old and probably should have had them earlier, based on the number of car accidents I was in before I got corrective lenses.  Maybe I’m just a crappy driver, but since the carnage inflicted on the auto industry diminished greatly after I started wearing glasses and my driving did not, I’m thinking I probably needed them long before I was 17.  Anyway, since then, about every year or so I have to go to the eye doc to get the peepers examined.  Today, was the day for that exam this year. 

But the sucky part was that it wasn’t my usual eye doctor anymore.  I’ve been going to the same eye doctor for about 15 years now.  He’s a great little Greek guy who’s been practicing in my area forever.  Certainly, long before my first husband and I moved here in ’93.  He’s funny, personable and competent.  He also houses his practice in this old two story craftsman style home that has been turned into office space.  The place is warm, inviting and quiet when you walk  in.  Though there are other customers in the place, you don’t know it.  There is this feel that you are the only person there and the only one that matters.  There are also pictures of Greece taken when my doctor would travel back each year to visit his family.  The white of the buildings and the blue of the ocean mesmerized me.  I always liked going early and sitting in the lobby and thinking what it would be like to be in that place, Greece.  Would the sun be warmer, would I be tanner, thinner?  Yes, I was most certain I would be  warmer,tanner and thinner if I were there.   I really liked those pictures.

My eye doctor is retiring.  He will not be practicing anymore after tomorrow.  I tried to get in to see him one last time and was unable to.  Instead, I had to book an appointment with the new offices that my doctor sold his practice to.  This is what sucks.  No more warm, cozy, two-story craftsman style home office building with mesmerizing pictures of Greece.  I now must drive to the other end of town to go get my eyes checked at a trendy, upscale Eye Center. Ugh. Flourescent lights, office carpeting, a big, huge waiting area that rivaled the Department of Motor Vehicles and pictures depicting the cross section of the eye instead of the coast of Greece.  Like I said, life sucks. 

So, after filling out my customary mountain of  insurance paperwork, which I guarantee is going to create more work for me in clarifying the transitional screwups that always happen when you change service providers, I sat and looked around.  I thought about this sucky part of life.  My eye doctor was really awesome.  I didn’t want a change here.  I wanted things to continue just as they always had.  I did not want my doctor to retire.  I mean, what’s he going to do to keep busy anyway? Go to Greece and take more pictures?  Well, he can’t hang them in his office anymore, so what good is that?!  In addition, I began to ponder how weird it is to get to know new people in settings like these where everyone is a stranger, in spite of the fact that I’ve lived in this community for 15 years.  I looked around and I realized I knew no one.  The folks in the other office all knew me by name and greeted me by name. They didn’t need to ask who I was, they just pulled my file when they saw me check in.  They knew me.  These people didn’t know who I was from Adam. Well, I’m sure they probably figured out I wasn’t Adam, or John or Harold either, but they didn’t know me, not really.

I also didn’t know how this system worked.  I mean, go here, fill out this paperwork, return it or don’t, or should I eat it after reading?  I had no idea.  Whatever, I filled out the paperwork.  I had a momentary urge to put some really hysterical off the wall stuff on the form when they asked about family history, alcohol consumption or smoking habits and what sex I was, but I decided to simply stay with the boring straight answers this time.  As if the paperwork wasn’t enough of a puzzle, just trying to figure out the layout of the place was a challenge.  I wondered if I were to start at the check in desk and someone were to shout go, how long it would take me to dodge down the first hallway and go through the whole place till I found my way back to the starting point.  It was a good thing that the assistant came and rescued me from my reverie at this point.

She led me back to the interior of the building, past a little additional waiting room and millions of little examination rooms.  This was not feeling comfortable at all.  Too sterile, too professional, too impersonal.  I was feeling kind of sad by this time. I know my doctor wants to retire, but why did this change have to feel like losing my home on some levels?  It reminded me that this town is growing so quickly and there is less and less personal interaction anymore.  I do not like this part of life.  The part where the people you love and care about leave and move on or, worse, die, really sucks.  Sometimes when someone I love leaves my life the pain is so real I feel it on a physical level, right in my chest.  It physically hurts.  Now, okay, I wasn’t this torn up about the retiring eye doctor, but it did feel like that when my marriages were disintegrating or my parents died.

So, with all this deep, philosophical introspection and musing going on I followed the pretty young lady assistant with a diamond stud in her nose back to the examination room.  I put my purse in the place she motioned to and sat in the big blue…or was it red…chair with the eye apparatus near it.  As she takes my chart and pulls up my information on the computer screen, we talk and I size up the place.  Okay, so far so good, no weird stuff here.  I figured out quickly why they hired her though, she could input that data fast! She was also personable and friendly and pretty.  Now, in spite of my fairly melancholy and somewhat negative musings, I’m a bit of an adventurer and though I regretted being forced into this particular change in this particular area of my healthcare at this particular juncture of my life, I’m usually up for a bit of adventure and I do like meeting new people and going new places.  There’s something about new and different that is good every now and then to change things up a bit.  So, before I knew it we were chatting away and she had figured out what my prescription should be and she had me fitted for new contacts.  Well, it wasn’t exactly that instantaneous.  I was there for three house, but it really didn’t seem that long even though I had to go to the little waiting room, get put in front of the refraction machine and then go back to the little waiting room then back to the original room and all that before I even met my new Eye Doctor.  But the assistant and I had a great time.  We determined that the monovision correction I’d been using for the last two years, which required I carry a pair of granny glasses around on a chain around my neck in case I should ever need to read a book or a menu while I had my contacts in, was not the most effective method of correcting my distance vision.   Duh!!! Instead, she suggested I try this kind of contact lense with multifocal correction in it.  It essentially operates like the old bifocal but corrects for distance, mid-distance and near.  I looked at her stunned.  “This is possible?” I asked.  She nodded.  I asked about pricing, and it was only slightly more than the contacts I’d been using.  I mean, the idea of not having to have a pair of reader glasses in my purse, at my bedside table, at every location in my classroom and in my home where I might need to read something up close will not only save me the extra amount these contacts cost, but just the freedom of not having to pack around granny glasses on a chain around my neck floored me.  I was ecstatic.  By this time I was beginning to really be glad my eye doc was choosing to retire. 

Then they dilated my eyes and I met my new Eye Doctor.  She was personable, professional and competent.  She looked nice but I had a hard time seeing her since my eyes were dilated and I thought she was kind of cruel to blast my eyes with that bright light thing but other than that she was alright.   I mean, I wondered what I was expecting, that she’d be some kind of monster? She wasn’t.  I would have much preferred that she be male, attractive, and single and really into me but, hey, I can’t have it all my way can I?

Well, I left the doctor’s office today with my eyes so dilated they hurt.  I stumbled, sort of, out to my car and put on my sunglasses and sat and thought for a moment. What things we can learn from the most benign events in our lives if only we pay attention and observe. Four hours ago I was bemoaning the sad but normal changes we all experience in life.  Four hours later and I can see perfectly, both distance and close up and I’m not having to reach for my granny reader glasses.  Life is funny.  It’s downright strange and bizarre.  Life does suck.  There are parts of it that are so painfully sad that I’d almost rather not live it.   (Okay,  I’m not suicidal, please, even though when given the option I will usually choose to avoid the pain rather than face it head on…I hate pain so much I could never do myself in…it would simply hurt too much, besides, it’s a fairly permanent solution to what, I’ve found, are mostly temporaray problems.)  I hate goodbyes.  Having my eye doctor retire, not being able to go to his office in that nice craftsman style home with the pictures of Greece on the walls and where everyone knew me by name felt a bit like what I’d imagine being shoved out of my home as a kid before I was quite ready to go would feel like. It sucked.

But there’s an up side. The up side is this:  I now can see clearly and I don’t have to use Granny glasses and I’m not in pain.  I’m so going to love that!  I mean just the thought of it, let alone the reality of it, is enough to make me feel twenty years younger.  In addition, I’m not fumbling around half the time trying to adjust from one visual task to another.  And I don’t have a headache.  This is the best part of it.  I am not experiencing pain like I was before.

Now, silly as it seems, this little routine somewhat undramatic (or maybe a bit overdramatized)  change in vision doctors revealed a timely lesson for me.  Sometimes the pain, loss and corresponding grief we go through in life are necessary for our greater growth, development, ultimate maturity and improved vision.  (If I were writing to a strictly religious Christian audience this is where I’d insert any number of Bible references and there are many which would apply.  Those folks will know what they are so I’ll skip that part for now and let them provide them if they are so motivated.)  Any one of the maybe eight or ten people following my blog regularly will note that I’ve bemoaned my dating fate of late with folks going silent and perfectly good candidates opting out.  True, I haven’t shared the number of times I’ve opted out first, but, be that as it may, the dating life has been sucky and painful just as the eye doctor thing was painful and sucky…at first.  But here’s the thing that crystallized for me today.  The pain I experience or the sadness or, better, the disappointment I experience, only serves to help me clarify for myself what it is that I’m about in this journey we call life.  People opting out, aren’t necessarily a rejection of me, though it does feel that way for a few minutes.  It’s life.  My eye doctor didn’t retire because he didn’t want to provide services to me anymore.  How ludicrous is that thinking?  Yet that is exactly the logic behind the woe is me mentality that bends us up into knots when something we thought could really be great or was really great doesn’t work out.  Whether it is a dating relationship, a marriage, a career or a healthcare provider, all these things are just other people making choices that impact us.  Our value is not determined by their choices.  It is  painful to lose something that was wonderful, fulfilling,  warm, cozy, beneficial and positive.  It is painful to lose the familiarity of someone knowing my name and having a cute, cozy office with Greek pictures on the wall.  It was wonderful pondering the possibilities that might have transpired had any number of those wonderful men not gone silent. But it was simply not to be and because of it my vision is improved.  My vision is improved because I now see more clearly what I’m about in relationship and I see much more accurately the great qualities that I do hope Mr. Right, if he appears, will possess.  I also see much more clearly and with less pain and effort physically because I was able to change doctors and benefit from improved technology and service. 

I think there are greater lessons to be extrapolated here.  Simply put, sometimes we have to wade through some misery to figure out what doesn’t work so that when we come face to face with what does work, we recognize it.  One of my Christian friends was talking to me the other day and he said, “Check it out.  God gave Adam the task of naming all the animals before He brought Eve into the picture.  After looking all the animals over, Adam probably had a really good idea that none of those were a good fit for him and he was better able to recognize/appreciate  Eve’s beauty and fit for him because of the process God took him through”.  Now, I know, sounds a bit churchy, at points, but the idea still holds.  If we pay attention, we learn.  We learn what works and what doesn’t.  We learn how to be better people.  We learn to recognize those things and people that  are healthy and positive for us and those who are dangerous and toxic and we are able to make this determination with increasing effectiveness, accuracy and efficiency…but we must experience some pain in order to get there. 

That’s the part about life that sucks the most: going through the pain to learn how to avoid it, but, to be honest, I wouldn’t trade it for anything, because, guess what, now I can see!!!!  In so many ways beyond just my physical vision, I can see!    I love the freedom, the confidence and the convenience that this improved vision brings.  For example, I’ve been at the computer for hours now and no headaches and I can see perfectly, without taking out my contacts or using Granny glasses. It is worth enduring the suckiness to benefit from the lessons.  Of course, I’d never say that while the lesson is being taught.  I, like many others, will drown in the misery, but, unlike many others, I’ll be watching, listening, thinking and learning all the while.  I’ll be glad when I’ve finally aced the test. So, while life sucks, I guess it isn’t completely for naught.  I’ll take the suckiness to gain the vision. 

I’m still going to miss those pictures of Greece though.

Cowardice

I don’t have a clue why people do this.  I would say “men” since I am female and date only men, my experience is only with men, however, I’m certain the scenario occurs for men as well.  The scenario? 

Stupid jerk man dumps woman via email or Instant Messenger.  Chickenshi- is what I call that.  This has happened to me three times in the last ten months.  Well, actually only two, the third situation was an anomaly where the person started emailing me hate mail and asking for booty calls all in the same emails.  I figured he was wacko and just told him, in a really nice way, that I thought we should both move on.  Since it had been two months since he last contacted me, I didn’t figure there was much of a relationship built up.  I’d have easily met in person with him to say the same thing, but my safety became a real concern so I opted out.  That, however, is not my first choice of methods for telling someone I don’t think the “chemistry” is there.  But, truly, given the amount of dating I’ve done and the number of quality relationships I’ve developed, the odds of success are still highly in my favor.  So, why do these two incidences bother me?  Before I answer that question let me give you some background.

First scenario occurred shortly during/after I was divorced.  Probably at my most vulnerable, I was willing and open to most people who attracted me, could speak in complete sentences and appeared fairly decent.  Key word being, “appeared”.  What I’ve learned in the last year of online dating has been the discouraging realization that while men are older, and by that fact should qualify as “adult”, few of them really operate beyond a juvenile high school mentality and hiding behind the digital screen only makes it easier for them to ditch the responsibility of being a decent, honest, respectful human being. My Cinderella expectations at work:  I’d hoped there’d be someone out there who could deal honestly and respectfully with me…face to face.  So far, that has not been the case.  But, I am way off the beaten path here.  First scenario was cute guy, lots in common, six weeks of dating which revealed cute guy was still wrapped up in ex-wife and completely emotionally unavailable and one day out of the blue I receive a Dear Jane email.  If I was halfway across the world fighting in a war, I’d appreciate the honesty, in email form.  Considering the guy lived only a few miles from me, I didn’t think it so considerate.  He could have, at least, been respectful enough to set up a time to go get coffee, or go for a walk and tell me what he was thinking.  In the end, the most disappointing thing about that scenario is that my image of this person as a responsible, mature, respectful individual shattered in that moment.  Even if he wanted to go back and rework things, there was simply no way I could respect a man who thought so little of another person’s being that they couldn’t even talk about a subject like that in person or, at bare minimum, on the phone.  After the shock, surprise, and, yes, relief (that I found out about this character flaw now rather than later) I figured that I ended up the lucky one in that venture and moved on.  But it was still a bit of a painful process to endure.  He was a coward, and it was to my gain to be rid of that earlier rather than later, because cowardice is not something I tolerate well. 

Scenario number two happened recently and really is almost irrelevant in the blip of things. This was a person who contacted me and we met before scenario number one happened, but immediately after that meeting he told me he met someone else.  Yes, this was by email, but since I’d only met him once and had a couple of drinks, I figured it was no big deal and he was doing the right thing to let me know as early as possible.  Hmmm, but if he was seeing someone else, then why did he go out for drinks with me?  Yeah, that question came back to haunt me on occasion later.  Six months later, he contacts me, we go out for dinner, drinks and it was fun, several dates and phone conversations later he goes silent.  No contact, no calls, no explanation.  Now, after telling me he was crazy about me the last time he saw me, that was a bit of a disconnect for me.  Nearly two weeks later of no contact, I buzz in on Instant Messenger and he cuts straight to the chase and gives me the “I think we should both move on” line.  Not like that was any big surprise, but he could have done the decent and courageous thing and invited me out for a walk and talked about it.  He didn’t, however, and suddenly to my surprise, what  started out as a fairly harmless chat turned into a the shocking Dear Jane thing that I hate.  The surprising part about this is he was an accomplished business  person in the community, older than my by 15 years (that placed him at 61) and still didn’t have the guts to have an adult conversation to discuss and clarify where we both were with whatever it was that we had going on.  I was very disappointed.  Not that he was “ending” whatever, but that he was demonstrating his cowardly character so blatantly.  I’d pegged him as a mature and responsible straightforward individual.  Hah!  Boy was I wrong and that is where the disapppointment comes in.

It isn’t that he’s saying what we have doesn’t work for him.  It wasn’t working for me and I’d made at least two attempts to get together with him with the hope that we could talk openly about it as adults are supposedly rumored to be able to do.  He bailed each time.  I knew he wasn’t fully invested.  I would have to be an absolute moron not to pick that up.  But I still wanted to give him the benefit of having an opportunity to talk about it and remain “friends”.  He chose to play chicken and notified me by email. This really says more about who he is than it does about me.  

For starters, what woman wants to entrust her heart to a man who cannot step up to the plate and do the right thing, the courageous thing, even when it is uncomfortable and potentially painful to do? Not me, and not a lot of us out there.  Men like that simply make it harder for the decent guys to get heard. 

Which…means…the decent guys have to work all the harder to really be seen as decent. It becomes an issue of failed trust in the past and the future.  Dealing honestly, directly, respectfully and kindly with the person you are dating is always a good thing.  Asking where someone is at with the situation, checking in and then respectfully sharing where you are might be painful for both of you but in the end, if you address it face to face or (if you live at a distance) by phone, it communicates a level of respect for the other individual.  Email or IM, when the other options are available simply translate as cowardice and disrespect.  I suspect I’m not alone in feeling this way.  In the end, it isn’t what is said, but how it is delievered that leaves the lasting impression. 

So, to prove my point, let me share the example of the very best and most courageous “breakup” or “its not working for me” message I ever received.  This was not a person I was dating but one whom I was in deep “like” with.  I was not in a place where I could pursue any kind of romantic relationship with anyone but had I been able to he would have been top of my list. We worked together but never got involved personally beyond the friendship stage and a time came about six months into our friendship where he felt he needed to put all his cards on the table.  He called me on the phone, since he lives several million hours away meeting in person was not possible, but I’m convinced he would have done the face to face thing if he could have.  Instead, he called me up and diplomatically, sensitively as he knew how and honestly straightened things out.  My admiration for this man went up a million-fold.  Because of how he chose to address what could have been a pretty sticky conversation, my admiration for him increased instead of decreasing.  I have now known this man for two years.  I’m certain that the best thing for both of us is to remain friends.  But I know this, he’d have my back in a pinch and I’d have his.  And, really, that’s the difference. 

We could have had a sticky awkward situation, but he handled it in an adult fashion and we still remain friends to this day.  The saddest thing about those other scenarios of mine is that none of us were able to behave in a way that translated to ongoing respect and future friendship.  Some people don’t care about that, but to me, it is our relationships that enrich our lives.  Even if we date someone a few times and find out it just isn’t going to work long term, isn’t there some redeeming quality in the other person that would make you value them as a friend?  I mean, why would you date otherwise? If you can’t first be friends then why on earth would you consider being romantic, because a long term relationship requires a long term friendship. 

I guess, in the end, courage requires one to behave as an adult and do the respectful, decent thing even if it is scary to do.