I’m pitching a reality TV show idea to Hollywood. This show would feature any number of really excellent cooks (Rachel Ray, Paula Dean, and, ooh la la Emeril (Bam!) to name a few) who would come in to the studio kitchen and attempt to teach me how to cook. I would then attempt (keyword: attempt) to make the dish or the meal, right there on national television. It’s a bit like Julie & Julia because, of course I would be attempting to imitate a great cook, but it would also combine elements of some other reality TV shows like Survivor. The audience members getting drawn to sample the finished product (would they be the contestants or the judges?) would be the ones trying to survive, of course. The name of this new reality TV show? You guessed it, “How To Screw Up A Really Great Meal”. I can hear it now. The studio audience applauding, the cameras swing into action panning the audience, lights go up full, the musical score plays and the announcer’s voice belts out my cue to go onstage, “This is How To Screw Up A Really Great Meal with your host, The Wild Mind!” The crowd goes wild, because they truly hope that this episode will be the one where I finally pull off an edible attempt.
Sigh. One can dream.
Truth of the matter is, I’ve never been comfortable in the kitchen until recently. Growing up in my home, for me, and learning to cook with a dad who was first, an excellent cook himself, and two, anal retentive about leveling off every single cup, tablespoon and teaspoon. Now, that’s not such a bad thing, but something happened between my father and I in the kitchen every time he tried to teach me a recipe that led to him getting frustrated with me and me in tears about it…or angry. My memory of the experience is a bit Hell’s Kitchen-esque. The result? I gave up trying to cook. By the time I really needed to cook to feed a family, there was no way on God’s green earth I was going to ever measure up to my, then, husband’s mom’s cooking or my now deceased father’s ability to measure and scoop so succinctly, so again, you guessed it, I gave up and quit trying. I mean, who really enjoys slaving away for a couple of hours after a long day at work only to be greeted with criticism. Throw the poor cook a bone and at least affirm the effort. Those of you wonderful family members out there who suffer in silence and still muster the lie, “It was great honey!” and manage to choke it down anyway, are to be commended. You will soon be dining like kings instead of ordering out take-out. Anyway, enough of my deplorable kitchen issues.
Cooking isn’t rocket science
One thing my dad did tell me was any fool who can read can learn to cook. In fact, his attitude was that if you can read you can teach yourself to do anything and by the time I left home for college he’d proven that theory on a number of things in his own life. It was pretty amazing. So, while our father-daughter bonding kitchen experiences are less than ideal, my dad set a pretty great example in a bunch of areas. Learning things you have no clue how to do was one of them.
So, with that example, and with the added incentive that my poor children are starving, I’ve decided to, finally in midlife, do something I’ve really always wanted to do, but have never really made a commitment to doing. I’m finding that cooking is a lot more fun than I expected.
Since being single, I’ve found out that there are also many, many men who are not only great handy men, but they are skilled in the kitchen as well. This leads me to think that gaining some kitchen knowledge might be a lot more fun than I previously thought. After all, there’s a lot of fun to be had using hot pads, an egg beater and real butter. Accompanying the meal preparations with a fine bottle of wine is a nice touch. Later in the evening the adventurous cooking couple can advance to serving each other cocktails such as Sex On The Beach or Screwdrivers. But for those, who like me, are uncertain of themselves in this new domain, I’d like to suggest these simple steps to enjoying a wonderful culinary experience. This is a combination cooking experience for beginners and a party game. It is a versatile recipe. Feel free to experiment with your own combinations and techniques. As you gain confidence and skill, I’m sure you, too, will be able to develop your own personal culinary style. If you’re more adept at the culinary arts maybe you could leave a comment and share what variations on this recipe you’ve tried.
Recipe For Kitchen Success
2 nicely shaped ripe oranges, one ripe but not over-ripe banana, saucepan, oven with working heat controls, 1 very flavorful Kielbasa, seasonings.
Step One: Carefully and slowly, peel the oranges
Step Two: Gently squeeze the oranges
Step Three: Savor the oranges as you simmer over a low heat and season to taste.
Step 4: Continue savoring and simmering while stirring occasionally.
Step 4: While simmering the oranges over a gradually increasing heat, peel the banana
Step 5: When the oranges, banana and oven are fully heated…
Step 6: Play Hide The Kielbasa