No Name-Calling Week

Anyone who’s been on a diet knows that you can resist foods of all kinds until the moment you decide to diet.  Suddenly the cravings come out of nowhere, the urges arise and if you aren’t very careful and very disciplined, you are soon stuffing your mouth with all sorts of rubbish that never tempted you before. 

I’ve found this strange phenomenon to be present in another area this week.  That is the area of name calling.

This week is officially No Name-Calling Week.  According to the event’s Facebook page the week is described in the following manner:

No Name-Calling Week is an annual week of educational activities aimed at ending name-calling of all kinds and providing schools with the tools and inspiration to launch an on-going dialogue about ways to eliminate bullying in their communities.

Have you ever attempted to go a week without calling names?  It isn’t as easy as you might think.

Consider these things.  We are an increasingly disrespectful society.  I would say that this is limited to the U.S., however such is not the case.  In fact, in just the last week, I’ve received two comments on my blogs from people in other countries or continents calling me names and not nice ones either.  Of course, I spammed those comments in the spirit of the week I am celebrating.  While I’m not opposed to having people air their opinions in their own way, name-calling will never get press here.  Further, my own journeys around the blogosphere reveals a vast array of digital name-calling.  Behind the screen, it seems, that people simply let loose with whatever derogatory term or insulting phrase they deem appropriate given the circumstance. These labels and insults go far beyond merely disagreeing with another’s perspective or flawed reasoning, they are hateful, mean-spirited, and, at best, incredibly disrespectful and unkind things to say.  I have a friend who tells her children, “You might think it, but you can’t say it.” Personally, I think that’s a great start.  Sometimes these derogatory terms are meant in jest, in play, or in a teasingly affectionate manner. But  more often, there is no disguising the venom and fury and hate behind the words. 

The reality is, bullying is one of the first and simplest means of reducing another human being to a state of fear and helplessness. Name-calling and other acts of bullying are intended to intimidate and humiliate. The first and easiest method of bullying (and a largely effective one employed by those who bully) is name-calling.  The No Bully website lists name-calling first in its list of behaviors that identify bullying.  Bullying and name-calling in particular used to be called “just kid stuff”, but the reality is that those who end up perpetrating violent crimes in the teen years are as likely to have been long time victims of bullying as they have been to be the bully. Those children identified as bullies, are more likely to have a prison record by the age of 24.  It isn’t just silly kid stuff anymore.  While it begins in childhood, it continues to occur everywhere in our adult world too.

So this week, I and several others I know, including 32 young people I meet with every day decided to celebrate No Name-Calling Week. We are becoming more aware of how often we have the tendency to let slip a name even in jest.  We are finding that this task is much more difficult than we first imagined.  In fact, one young man even commented after a day or so, “Yeah, right,” he stated in frustration, “Like we are ever going to completely eliminate name-calling!”

My answer?  “No, at least, not right away.  But if we all ban together and try we might do some serious damage to the disrespect we all encounter.”  Thus ensued a brief conversation about how we feel when someone calls us names and the respectful consideration of simply treating others the way we’d like to be treated. One conversation and one week of increasing our awareness certainly isn’t the cure all and I realize this.  But as a parent and as a human being, I am increasingly alarmed by how humanity is redefining decency, courtesy and respect. In an age where tolerance is valued, there is one thing we ought to be completely intolerant of and that is bullying in all its many forms, and this week, most specifically name-calling.

About Those New Year’s Resolutions

Did you make any New Year’s Resolutions this year?  Did you set any goals that you’d like to work on for yourself?  If you did, how are they coming along?  Have you kept at it or have you, like so many others, found your enthusiasm waning as the year progresses and the gloomy, dark days of winter (sans the celebrations and plus the bills of the previous celebrations) drag on? If you’ve let up on pursuing your New Year’s Resolutions, it’s not to late to get back on track. 

Numbers, Measurements & A New Scale

The other day a friend of mine and I were chatting on Facebook and he asked me about my New Year’s Resolutions.  This person is one of those friends who lives quite a distance away and checks in about every couple of weeks or so.  This was the check in, I suppose.  During that conversation he mentioned that he still reads my blog and wondered if I was keeping up on my New Year’s Resolutions.  I was pleased to be able to report that not only have I kept up on them, I’ve lost 5.5 inches.  That was Wednesday.

Today is Saturday and Saturday for me is weigh in day.  I’m pleased to announce those numbers have again changed. 

But before I reveal the numbers, I have decided that I must get a different scale.  I have a cheap one and I am absolutely certain the number it registers is not accurate.  The reason I know this is because I cannot get the needle to stay on zero with no weight on it.  I also can’t read the thing when I am standing on it and any shift of my feet sends the needle spiraling around the dial.  Squatting on the thing to get a better read doesn’t seem to work either. I often fall off before getting an accurate read.  Not a good look.  So, today, at some point I will go out and get a more accurate (aka. more expensive, I think) scale. Till then I’m not reporting my weight loss because I don’t know what it is.  I think it’s a pound or two, but like I said, I can’t be sure and I just don’t want to fudge those numbers.  If I get the new scale and I’ve been off, it could be psychologically depressing.

The good news is my measurements continue to drop.  As of today, I’ve lost a total of 7.75 inches! That’s a combined total of all the measurements, of course.  Separately, in inches, that’s 1.5 off the hips, 2.5 off the chest (good-bye back flab), 1 from the waist and 2.5 off my thighs (I only measure the right one), and my bicep showed a one-inch gain this week (muscle definition, gotta love it) for an overall loss of  three quarters of an inch on the bicep.

Looking Better Naked, Feeling Better Clothed

What’s even better is when I look in the mirror, I’m beginning to see the me I used to know.  I’m not there yet, but I’m looking better naked.  I’m definitely feeling a lot better clothed.  I have more energy and the very, very best part of it all is that I no longer feel as though I’m one step away from the assisted living facility or grave.  I’m beginning to think that paintball with my daughter and her boyfriend might be a possibility this summer as well as actually running again.  Yes, you heard me.  Running.  I hate running.  I look like a hippo running.  I’m graceful in the water, but like the penguin, walrus or many other amphibious creatures I’m somewhat awkward on land especially at high speeds.  But, I’ve already made plans to go running this spring with one of the women I work with.  Yeah, she’s ten years younger than I and will kick my butt, but I’m competitive enough that I’ll work to try to keep up.  That can’t be bad.  I’m pretty certain I’ll never see my 7 minute miles from my triathlon training days again, but I don’t care, just to be moving at something more than a walk and not falling will be a good thing.  What is it I really want to do with all this?  Whatever I feel like.  It is going to be so good to be strong and more agile again.  These thoughts keep me plugging away.

Smooth Sailing, Not Exactly

I have to say, it hasn’t been easy or perfectly smooth this month by any means.  As expected, the schedule is crazy tough to keep routine so I can fit my workout in at the same time every day.  This isn’t going to improve either as I have seven consulting events lined up between now and April which take place in the evenings, in addition to my day job.  Further, my social life is pretty full and I like it that way.  (It also explains a bit why you haven’t seen me here as much.)  I’ve also had my moments of discouragement, stuffing my face with the Bugles and chips the kids brought from their other house and simply, as I mentioned in my last post, throwing the rope on all of it .  In spite of it all, I’m pretty pleased that I haven’t given up on myself and I keep on plugging away.   I’m really successful on some fronts (watching portion size, eating healthier, no drinking during the week, lots of water, consistent exercise) and I’ve failed in some areas momentarily (the binge snacking one week and missing exercise for four days in a row the same week…not good!).  It’s a mixed bag.  The really positive thing about this is that I’m continuing to force myself after every slip, to get back up and get on track. I’m staying with it this time.  Because of that, I will be successful.

Refuse To Give Up

On a larger level, I think this is what so much of life is really like. Life itself is one big mixed bag.  The good is mixed in with the bad. The successes are intertwined with the defeats. We hit bumps in the road, we derail, we get back up, we keep moving on.  We do it because we must.  We do it because the alternative is less pleasant that the current pain or discouragement.  We keep trying.  We keep working.  We keep hoping.  We keep living. We derail.  We cry.  We hurt.  We heal.  We move on.  It is life.  If we are very lucky, we find others along the way who, though the specifics of their journey differ from ours, the lessons are similar or, if not similar, interesting.  We find friendship.  We connect.  We experience kindness and caring.  We find love in all its many forms in smiles of friends, the hugs of children, the laughter of companions, the conversations with those we care about and enjoy being with. 

The journey to fitness for me, has been far deeper than obtaining physical results, though, let’s be clear, I’m not going to mind looking and feeling better pushing 50 than I did when I was ten years younger.  It’s also been a very internal journey as well.  As my Facebook Friend said so well, “It’s a process of clearing out the junk, both externally and internally.”  I’d have to agree.  That’s exactly what it has been for me.

If you made resolutions this year and you find your enthusiasm and determination faltering, it isn’t too late to try again. Join me.  We can do it together you and I.  Whatever your goal, your dream, your hope.  It can happen, as long as you simply refuse to give up on yourself.  I’m not going to.  Don’t you either.

The Wild Mind

Saturday, Good For What Ails Ya

I love Saturdays.  Saturday is almost always the only day of the week that I can keep completely unscheduled, except for activities of my own choosing, for most of the year. Sandwiched nicely between Friday night, which usually kicks off my weekend with a celebration or retreat of sorts, and Sunday which finds me doing any number of things required to prepare a household for the upcoming week, Saturday is the one day I  can almost always call my own.

Saturday, is also that time of the week that I make certain I take some me time to check in, think about the week that just passed, and ponder the week to come.  It’s become important to me, over the last couple of years to take stock of my personal internal state.  These days, with my weekly weigh in and measuring, this time of reflection is becoming even more important to me. Sure, I check the numbers to see that I show continued loss or improvements, but the numbers lead to more introspection and further consideration.  This personal evaluation doesn’t just stop with looking at the “what happened” during the week, but it explores the “why it happened”, which I feel is just as important for my peace of mind and for lack of a better phrase, staying grounded.

Weekly Measurements

This particular Saturday morning was, as a true reflection of the week that proceeded it, disappointing. I woke late, began cleaning, forgot completely about my weigh in and measurements until after drinking two glasses of water and nibbling some food.  Not that this is such a big deal but, just like all week, I was a bit off my game. I like to weigh in and measure first thing in the morning on a completely empty stomach. I did end up weighing myself and came out at one more pound lost, and 2.5 inches smaller in various places for a total of 4 pounds lost and 5.5 inches gone) thank goodness one of those places was not my chest! Even so, the numbers are glaring proof that this week, though it started out well and wasn’t a complete disaster, had it’s share of disappointments and discouragement. 

When I began this fitness journey with my “Looking Good Naked” post, I knew there were going to be some difficulties.  I knew, because I know myself well enough, that this wasn’t simply going to be a journey of exercise, diet and externals.  I knew it wasn’t going to merely be my own personal quest for a kick ass body.  I knew this was going to be a journey of internal cleansing as well. This week I began to hit some of those areas, that like the snag just under the surface of the water, tripped me up.

Internal Journey

On a personal level, I experienced some real disappointments. These letdowns were just as mixed with positive outcomes and they were saddening to me.  I simply hate it when I’m in a place of confusion and this week I was up and down with that.  On the other hand, it was a bit like driving through fog: beautifully eerie, but difficult to navigate.  Then suddenly, just as so often happens when driving through fog, I found myself in a place of complete clarity; no shadows, no disguised shadowy forms.  What I saw in that place of clarity did not please me.  It saddened me and disappointed me greatly. What it didn’t do which is a huge step up for me, is discourage me. In fact, quite the opposite.  I was encouraged.  But I also noticed something.  When I’m unhappy, feeling tense or anxious or lost, I tend to take this unhappiness out on myself in negative ways. I need to work on dealing with disappointments differently.

I’ve been a boater and an avid water skier since my high school years.  I first dated a young man whose family owned a boat and much of our summers were spent out on the lakes and reservoirs of Eastern Oregon, baking in the sun and cooling off on the glassy waters as we sailed along the water’s surface behind the boat.  I eventually purchased my own boat and spent many wonderful summers pulling my children and their friends around behind it and being pulled myself, until I had to sell it when it became evident that my marriage was not going to last.  In water skiing terms, there is a phrase we use when we are so tired we can’t continue to ski.  We “throw the rope”.  This is when the skier after a great ride simply tosses the rope and sinks into the water.  Sometimes we do this because the water is just too choppy and no fun to navigate.  Sometimes we do this because we are simply tired and can’t continue any further. 

I realized this week, that when disappointments come my way, I throw the rope on myself emotionally.  I give up.  I don’t give up forever, I don’t give up drastically or dramatically, and I certainly don’t give up for long, but I do give up for a bit.  I lose that bit of determination and drive, that mental edge, that I need to keep my positive forward momentum up.  Discouragement is my biggest nemesis. This week, I gave up for three days.  I didn’t work out, I ignored my healthy eating.  I “threw the rope” on myself and my own personal goals in one area of my life because another area was disappointing, confusing or stressful to me. This is not an effective choice for me.  This is what I will need to force myself to push through, even more than forcing myself to workout when I don’t want to, or eat right when I’m tempted to binge.  This is the area for me where my personal determination will be challenged.  I have to get better at shaking off the disappointments and the setbacks or, at least, continuing on my course in spite of them.  Sometimes it is true we need to back off and take a break from things.  I understand that.  This throwing the rope this is a bit different.  It wasn’t a break, it was a mental kind of momentary giving up.  I succumbed, I think, momentarily to a sense of hopelessness.

Questions, Answers & Insights

Do you “throw the rope”?  Have you ever given up on yourself, even momentarily?  How do you handle the setbacks or letdowns you experience?  Does it become easier or more difficult to handle if you are dealing with setback after setback or disappointment after disappointment?  What strategies do you have for “sticking with it” when you most feel like it doesn’t matter or you want to give up.

While living this week wasn’t the greatest experience of them all on one hand, after reflecting on all that happened and after dealing with the internal stuff, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m in a much better place after having lived this week than I was when it started.  That’s a very positive outcome. It certainly beats living a week and having learned nothing. I’m much more clear about some things that were bogging me down.  I didn’t blow it so badly this week that I lost ground on my fitness goals so I don’t have that added disappointment to contend with.   I stepped out and took some risks that were new for me, got involved in some activities that were different than I normally spend time on, gave up a commitment I needed to give up, and sought help and advice and received very good counsel from a dear friend that wasn’t pleasant to hear, but which I needed to hear. I reconnected with another long time friend, went on a field trip with my daughter, and had some potentially interesting business opportunities dump themselves right in my lap.  I’m getting more involved in my community for some positive efforts that extend beyond my own existence and survival.  While I would have loved to have done  all this much earlier than now, I’ve been living in survival mode for so long, I simply wasn’t physically or emotionally available to do anything more than I was doing to keep my children fed, clothed, safe and me healthy.

Sometimes there are seasons where all you can do is survive and it has to be good enough to make it to the end of the day in whatever fashion possible.  Just saying you showed up is sometimes a phenomenal success.  The most encouraging and hope inspiring piece of this whole bizarre experience called my week is the realization that this season of simply being able to “show up” (which I felt stuck in) seems to be over for me.  So, I’ll take the disappointments, because the joys of the lessons and insights far outweigh the sadness.  I also know that nothing lasts forever and even pain and disappointment are temporary. 

Today, there is sun peeking through the clouds; a cheerful reminder that summer will soon be here and that though things aren’t perfect in all areas for me, they are mostly very, very good.  And…it is…Saturday.

Disclaimers and Dementia

Disclaimer:  (Don’t you love that word…I do..it means “I’m making a big fatty excuse to be lazy and careless and sloppy in my writing…sort of…or it means…I’m going to break some rules…so, here goes!)

I really don’t care if this post is SEO (Search Engine Optimized) or not.  Well, okay, I care, but I know it probably won’t be because right now, I am writing from my heart and not for an audience.  This could bode well for my stream of consciousness and my own well-being.  It could suck where my blog stats are concerned.  So be it.

I think I just have to say to hell with that.

I need to write what matters to me.  After all, the reality is, I’m not likely to get “published” (meaning paid the big bucks with a movie deal) and, well, much as I’d like to be J.K. Rowling right now…so not going to happen.  I’m cool with that.

Oh (insert your own special expletive here)!  After all that…and I forgot what I was going write about! I hate when that happens.

Disconnected Musings

Copyright 2009, The Wild Mind

Four nearly completed (but totally unpolished and incoherent) posts later and it is clear I’m not posting a thing of worth tonight.  There’s just too much going on in my mind.  Really, really too much.  It’s disjointed.  It’s random.  It’s deep.  It’s trivial.  It’s about everything and nothing. It’s totally disconnected mostly.  It looks like this:

Strands of thoughts from a fellow blogger’s blog who confessed she dreams in advance about things that happen to other people,  a dream last night that seemed so real, one I haven’t yet forgotten, I might never forget.  It has been my life for the last two years.  Different faces, different specifics, same words, same pain, the same, all of it.  A scenario I’ve lived many times over in some fashion or another.  A scene I am well aquainted with.  Wondering if my friend has already dreamed my future and if it will simply be yet another of  the many second place finishings I’ve experienced. More ideas and pondering about trust, intimacy, authenticity, connection evaporating in my reality of hidden feelings, unsaid words, unasked questions and confusing behaviors.  Goals for the future opportunities and success running parallel with current 2nd place realities with no means to see the two paths join.  Happiness, contentment, confidence, hope, enthusiasm and joy all tangled up with disappointment, sadness, longing and, yes, somewhere in there, I must confess, the old familiar sting  of  pain.  Words I want to say but can’t.  Ideas to convey, but tangled up with accusations of “not good enough”. Where do these accusers of inadequacy arise and how? Inhibited thoughts that simply can’t get out into visible or audible form, at least, not in a manner that would be comprehensible and confident, let alone adequate.

Not here. Not tonight.

Sometimes there are days when I simply must say…I tried.  I didn’t make it, but I gave it my best effort. I did the best I can, it is all I have to offer. Here it is.

Sometimes there are days when my best doesn’t quite cut it, but it has to be good enough to have tried.

Then there are also times that, in spite of the disconnected randomness of it all, I can look at the craziness called my life and say, everything’s alright and I’m going to be okay. 

Tonight is one of those nights.

I Almost Got Struck By Lightening While You Were Gone

This post is one I am moving over from my other blog, Welcome To CABsPlace, where I am pretty certain I will not continue writing.  That is…unless…someone can come up with a really good reason why I should write two blogs that mostly deal with the same stuff.  This particular post, speaks of doing the single parenting job with four kids and how sometimes, for no seemingly apparent reason, you just encounter turbulence.  I wrote this post originally in June, 2008 and have made only minor revisions. Enjoy, and let me know what you think.

A sunny summer June Monday morning started out peacefully but soon deteriorated into complete and total chaos, then, just as suddenly as it erupted, the chaos evaporated. This kind of disturbance happens routinely in my home and I am often perplexed as to why or how it starts and what to do about it when it does. Today, I did nothing. That seemed to work.

I awoke, as I normally do to the peaceful music of the birds outside my window. These wonderful sounds were angrily disrupted by the grumbling, groaning, clanking, banging noises of the garbage truck makings its rounds on the block behind mine. My oldest daughter, who had rolled in well after midnight last night from an out-of-town choir tour, continued to sleep undisturbed. Now, she doesn’t usually share the bed with me, but this last week she was gone and her room became the laundry room. When she returned in the wee hours of the morning, I was unwilling to move the laundry and my bed, so though I hated the thought of enduring the battle of the bed sheets and her snoring, I suggested she just crash in my bed tonight. I figured if it got bad enough, I’d just go sleep on the couch.

The night passed uneventfully, meaning I slept without disturbance, until around 5:30 or 6, my youngest decided she wanted to crawl in with us. Once cozily sandwiched in between her older sister and me she drifted off into blissful sleep. I rolled over to try to catch a few more winks myself. That’s when the fun began.

I was just drifting of into some nice REM sleep when the warm blankets were abruptly pulled off me. I was startled awake by the chill morning air and the loss of the covers. My youngest, sweet cherub that she is, had become too warm and kicked off all the blankets in her sleep. I glanced across the vast bed to my oldest. She was still sleeping soundly. So was my youngest for that matter. The kicking clearly bothered no one but me. I grumpily pulled the covers back up, rolled back over and went back to sleep again. I’m not sure how long I was sleeping before the covers were suddenly pulled off me again. This time, knowing it was my daughter’s kicking problem, I just reached out grabbed the blankets and pulled them back up over my shoulders. I burrowed down into the bed cinching the covers close around my neck. I closed my eyes. I waited. Sure enough, it was only a matter of a few moments when my daughter’s began flailing in an attempt to rid her body of the constricting sheets. That was it for me. I slid out of bed and padded into the kitchen to start the coffee. I was officially up for the day.

Connecting through Random Sound Bites

Later that morning, as I was putting away dishes, my daughter (Number 2) was mixing up pancake batter when an argument arose between my son (Number 3), and my youngest daughter (Number 4) about who woke up first this morning.

I mean, what’s up with that and who cares?

Then there was the confusion about how Number 1’s dirty clothes got mixed in with the clean clothes in spite of the fact that she’s been gone for a week. This then moved into a discussion (okay, it was really an argument) about moving the family computer out of my oldest daughter’s (Number 1) room to the kitchen/dining area where I am now typing on it. Never mind that all school year she complained about having it in her room because she needed to study and no one else was allowed in there to use the computer while she was studying. Sigh. Then there’s the breakfast table conversation which went something like this:

Number 1: I know for sure I’m not going to Elite Private School in That Big City by Puget Sound.

Me: Oh, why not?

Number 1: I’m not so sure I like the city. (She’d just returned from a week long trip to That Big City.)

Me (raising my eyebrows internally): Well, that’s definitely a consideration.

Number 1 (to Number 2): I got some really neat things while I was gone. (Note the random and sudden change in conversational direction.)

Number 4: Pass the syrup.

Number 2 to Number 1: Did you get me anything?

Number 4: Is the first gallon of milk already gone?!

Me: No, it’s right here.

Number 1 to Number 2: No, but you can use some of it if you want. (Referencing the stuff she got on her trip but which was not for her sister.)

Me: Number 2, I don’t think we have enough pancakes here. Does anyone want some more? We can mix some up.

Number 2: You mean, Number 2, can mix some more up.

Number 1: Number 2, are you going to be in Youth Ensemble next year?

Number 2: While you were gone I almost got struck by lightning.

I kid you not, that is how the conversation went. That is how the morning went. One random thought after another. Sound bites of our lives, disconnected but fitting together.  The heartbeat of a family simply comfortable with being together.  It sounded like no one was listening to anyone else, but that wasn’t the case.  It seemed everyone was content just to say something, anything even if no one responded to it.  It is enough to make the thinking adult go nearly mad.  Except that somehow, almost miraculously it seems, there was actual dialogue and forward progress on those daily activities that keep a household afloat. Have you ever stopped and listened to the flow of the daily conversation in your home?  Close your eyes for just a second and listen.  What do you hear? Keep your eyes closed, now what do you see?

Expect Occasional Turbulence

Number 2 did tell about her close encounter with lightning, we did finish breakfast fairly uneventfully, the laundry is getting folded and put away, in spite of Number 2 and Number 3 creating an alliance against Number 4. Currently, Number 3 is attempting to avoid changing the sheets on his bed by suddenly developing an interest in reading, Number 1 is agonizing through her allergies by doing the dishes with Kleenex packed firmly in each nostril and Number 4 is refusing to let me type one more word until I give her permission to scoop the dead worm she found out of the pool. None of this would be a problem except now the older kids are accusing Number 4 of digging up the worm and putting it in the pool instead of finding it already there. Hmmm, how would a worm get in the pool on its own anyway? And then, Number 4, when passing through the sliding screen door knocks the screen completely out of its tracks, you’d have thought she was struck by lightening.

There are days in a family that pass by fairly uneventfully, like when all the kids are gone to their other parents’ homes or spending time away with friends. There are other days, when we are all here and things still pass fairly uneventfully but that seems to occur only if I let the kids do whatever they want and make no demands on them. Since that is not  our reality, it is more common that there is going to be some turbulence at points along the way. I know this. I understand this. I expect and accept this. But I don’t always like it.

At this very minute, there seems to be an unofficial cease fire and things are calm. I wonder how long this will last? It baffles me how the tone in a home can go from blissfully serene to completely insane in seconds and then just as suddenly back to peaceful. It is not unlike being struck by lightening. Sometimes in family life, it feels like you end up dead too.

On the other hand, it can also leave you with the feeling of being more alive than ever.

Women, Ladies Night, Sex on The Beach, and No Laundry, Please!

What kind of person are you?  Do you have a high need to be with other people all the time, with noise, conversation and sound bouncing off walls and filling your home?  Or are you the kind of person who can turn it all off and exist happily with no other person around and absolutely no noise other than the sounds of the silence enveloping your abode? I love crowds, the hustle and bustle of the city, the cozy cramped feeling of a trendy little joint packed with bodies listening to the cool reggae tunes of a live band passing through the area.  I am at home in a crowded realm.  I am also just as content to be solitary and silent.  I can move through both worlds with ease, but I have to admit, I like my solitude.

Solitude or Isolation?

I don’t mind my own company and there are times when because I’ve just done so much wish granting for other people that when the weekend rolls around I don’t mind being alone and simply being. I do have the tendency, at times, to retreat from the world in an escapist fashion.  I can tend to isolate myself if I’m not careful. 

I was planning on that last night. It was going to be a quiet evening of introspective contemplation as I worked out and reassessed my focus and direction in life.  You guessed it, I didn’t have a date. 

At the last minute, as these things tend to happen, a good friend of mind came into my office at the end of the day and asked if I was going to go to the get together after work.

I sighed.  Memories of the last time I got together with my party friends swam before my eyes.  There was a vision of something vaguely reminiscent of broken drinking glasses and a missed chair or was it the floor ended up being where the chair should have been? I couldn’t remember.  Well, I could, but I didn’t want to.

“You know I think I’m probably just going to go home.”  Another memory like the ones I already couldn’t remember, memories of crazy, pain laced celebrations in the days and months following my divorce’s finality was not something I wanted to add to my thought processes.

My friend, sensing I wasn’t exactly on my game somewhere, came in sat down on a nearby stool and we chatted for a few.  We shared. We caught up.  It’s been months since we got together and pondered the deep questions of life and single parenting and dating.  In fact, the last time we did that, I distinctly remember dropping my cell phone in the hot tub. Yet another interesting memory and one we laugh about now.

A Single Mom’s Loneliness

She’s feeling much of what I’m feeling these days it turns out.  Her single mommy life is taxing her in many of the same ways mine is.  We both love our freedom and our independence and all the many conveniences that come with being in the driver’s seat of our lives.  Yet we both are missing the connection that comes when you have another very special person in your life to plan with, to dream with, to consult with, to disagree with, to make up with, to make out with, and to wake up to in the morning. 

While I am often alone, I am not usually lonely, but I was in one of those very rare places where I was actually feeling alone and lonely.  My friend sensed this and as she tends to do, she was right there for me. We ended up deciding to hang out together last night.  It was a decision I’m glad we made.

I think it is easy for women to become disconnected sometimes, especially if we are single moms.  We spend so much of our time making sure that the needs of those we love and who depend upon us are met that we forget about our own needs.  Maybe it isn’t so much that we forget, as it is that, by the time we get around to being able to think about ourselves, we are simply exhausted and ready to collapse.  We end up putting ourselves on the bottom of the priority pile.  We end up too exhausted to want to make the effort to connect with the other women in our lives.  For me, that includes the other single moms I know in my face-to-face world who have walked with me down the single parent road these last few years. 

Women Friends

There is also something about being with another woman instead of a man on occasion.  Now, don’t hear me say that I prefer this over company with men all the time. Both types of company are valuable, but they sometimes meet very different needs.  At times, the company of a good same sex friend (because I’m sure men feel this way too on some levels) just can’t be beat.  I don’t have to do the work of getting to know someone, because all that history and relationship has already been established. It’s comfortable.  We know and accept each other.  It is enough just to be together.  It is also very nice sometimes to have another female perspective confirming for me in so many ways, that I’m not crazy, that I am just a busy single mom and that we are all feeling this way, which is most of the time stressed or tired.  Especially of laundry.

It doesn’t happen often that we can all get babysitters or be child-free on the same evening and also have money to pay for our cover charges and drinks but last night the stars aligned and we were able to make it happen.  It started out with just my friend and I, and we added one of our new colleagues to the mix.  The laughter, the conversations, the self-revelations and the discussions that ran from the serious and intellectual (okay, sort of serious and intellectual) to quite tawdry, decisions to have Sex on the Beach but no Slow Comfortable Screw, while wondering who in the bar was there with who else, these things made up our night like a montage in a movie. From the comments about the cute guy in the hat dancing by himself in the middle of the crowded dance floor, to whether the guy in the suit was single or not, to refusing to pick up two guys who tried to convince us to let them in the car with us, to the older retired teacher guy who regaled me with stories while I waited for the others to complete their powder room break, it was simply something we all, for our own reasons, needed to do.  We just needed to put our concerns and stress away for a few hours, to forget we were single moms, to forget that we cared about that.  We needed a Ladies Night Out. We needed to just have fun.  

We most certainly did that!

Not a glass was broken.

Not a chair was missed.

Not a cell phone fell into anything liquid.

And not one of us thought once about the laundry.

…but I am wondering where I left my shirt.

Dating and Deception-That’s What She Said

Yesterday’s post dealt with truth in dating. While much of what I described happens to both men and women in dating, yesterday’s post was decidedly from the female perspective and slanted pretty heavily toward men and the deceptions they tend to employ, if they employ them, when dating. However, I’ll be the first to admit, that men face their share of unhappy experiences and boatloads of deceptive practices when dating too. I know this because they tell me so or they have, when I dated them. Seems that when it comes to dating and deception, it’s an equal opportunity venture.

Women are just as guilty as men of deception. They just deceive differently. For example, there’s the very common practice of fudging on the number of years we’ve actually roamed the earth. Early on in my Post-40 World dating experience I corresponded with an individual who told me that he actually met a woman who said her age was somewhere in the 40’s but when they met, it was evident to him that she hadn’t seen 40 anything for a few decades.  He ended the date instantaneously and (the best part) she seemed stunned.  And this is only one of many, many experiences I’ve heard that men encounter when dating online.

Personally, the day I feel tempted to lie about my age is the day I hang it all up for good.  I just can’t do that.  It is unfair and dishonest.

Do women who do this honestly think that the men they meet are going to be totally impressed when they finally see that they’ve been lied to all along? Further, what kind of foundation does this build for any kind of meaningful authentic relationship?  My guess is, and please, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but my guess is it erodes relationship before it even begins.

I’ve been told that women lie about their weight, but personally, I don’t get that because I know weight doesn’t tell you much of anything and can give you a really bad impression.  Most guys would die if they knew that that cute hottie they are pursuing online actually sports a 145 on the scale instead of a 119, but fits nicely into a size 8.   But if she cropped her pic so it just revealed her face and then touted the number 145, what the heck do you think the response would be? Yeah, on the other hand, the fact that a woman even looks like a size 8 online is probably guarantee enough that no guy is asking that woman what she weighs.  It becomes an insult to ask what a woman weighs.  After all that’s not on the dating questionnaires.

While women are less inclined to lie about their marital status (I think, I don’t know this for sure), this doesn’t mean women are exempt from misrepresenting themselves.  On one hand it is understandable.  We all want to present ourselves in the best light possible.  After all, isn’t that what make up, hair products, deodorant and designer jeans are all about? But when we step over the line of presenting ourselves in the best possible light to recreating a fictional imaginary self, then this is, in my mind, crossing a line.

Personally, I’m all about full disclosure.

In fact, I recently, even as I was writing this was called upon to disclose some very awkward and deeply humiliating aspects of my own personal past. It is a past that I am  ashamed of and will never be able to erase.  It is a past I regret and will spend the rest of my days trying to help people avoid in their own lives.  While full disclosure was not comfortable for me (I totally would have loved to have not had a conscience and been able to justify minimizing or reinventing my past), I told the truth and all of it.  It totally sucked.  I might never hear from this person again and this is a person I completely respect and admire.  But I am committed to being different than I was and I am committed to being vulnerable, transparent, with nothing to hide.  It might cost me any number of friendships or romantic interests to come and my past, quite frankly might eliminate me from the experience of any real lasting, meaningful, connected relationship with the opposite sex, but at least I can go to sleep at night knowing that the other person made a decision about me based on fact and not on supposition and not on an inadequate amount of data.  

And that, quite frankly, is how I prefer to do life, because in the end, I’m never going to enjoy quality relationship where the foundation is based on misrepresentation and inadequate data.  If the entire point in dating is to get to know people in hopes of someday developing a relationship based on intimacy then full disclosure (at the right time and in the right manner to the right people) becomes important.

I want the real deal.  I want authentic, meaningful, connected relationship when trust is the foundation and transparency and vulnerability the cornerstones.  If that can’t be had then give me the single life.  It is much more convenient anyway.

Truth In Dating Laws

We have Truth-In-Lending laws why can’t we have a Truth-In-Dating Law.  I personally think there should be a Truth-In-Dating Law somewhere accompanied by a lie detector test. If only that could really happen, dating, online or otherwise, might not be such a disastrous thing for so many of us who still have the old school values of honesty, integrity and character.  Alright, I know the word “disastrous” is a bit extreme and may paint me as a complete failure in the dating realm, but, chill for a sec.  I’m using a bit of exaggeration here just to make a point.  The reality is, people lie when they date these days.  In fact, I just heard in a discussion group I’m a part of, that 1/3 of all men on internet dating sites are married representing themselves as single.  For the single mom out there who just wants to try to find a decent unattached guy out there to spend some time with that just bites. Because, no matter how you slice it or dice it, the married man or the separated-and-still married man is just not available, emotionally or otherwise. Well, maybe sexually but for someone looking to build some kind of authentic meaningful relationship that’s just “Ewww!”.

I personally believe this is due to the fact that our culture is a culture of the external.  We don’t care how good a product is anymore, we care how it’s packaged, and quite frankly there’s several hundred thousands of my salary and more being spent on research just to find out what certain things attract what certain demographics. And, as a nation, the U.S. has fallen right into the little marketing myth of “if it looks good, it must be good”. 

Sigh. 

This translates very negatively to the dating world, and other areas, I might add, but I’m talking about dating here so I will attempt to stay focused. 

Instead of putting ourselves out there and promoting our good character (because see, people don’t really care about that anymore) we promote all things about us that are appealing.  That’s not a bad thing, but then we take things a bit too far in merely presenting the positive. We don’t really lie, but we do leave out vital tidbits of information. And, some people out and out lie.

Some of the things I’ve come across in the last two years of dating will blow your mind, if you’re the honest, truth-abiding sort.  For starters, let’s try the many, many men who put on their profiles that they were single only to reveal later that they were not only not single they were still married with no paperwork in progress…for whatever reason…and trust me, I’ve heard many.

Disappointing?  Yes.  Frustrating?  Yes.  Infuriating?  What do you think? 

I always try to learn something from every experience and these experiences taught me that I needed to ask to see signed legal paperwork before engaging the person in conversation. Which is exactly what I started doing.  This didn’t keep the dudes from trying to lie, but somehow more of them seemed to come out with it earlier on. 

“Um,” they’d clear their throats and I could hear it coming, “Yeah, I’ve been separated for two years but we can’t file right now due to financial reasons.”

“Oh,” I’d ask, “So then, you are just out for some booty?”

Click.

I did have a few men online approach me and tell me up front they were still married.  Of course, after telling me all about their loveless marriages and how they were staying in it for the kids (which is such a crock and there’s good research to back it up), they then proceeded to convince me that an affair with them would be something I’d never regret.

On what planet does this make any sense?

I mean, kudos for the honesty, but reverse the call due to the completely skanky disrespectful thing they were attempting there. Some of them I just clicked off with a “No thanks.”  At some point though, I decided to have some fun with it.  They invariably folded when I told them I was looking for something authentic ( that word, to the lying married man, is like a cross and garlic to Dracula) which could possibly lead to a white picket fence and three (more) children playing in the yard.  Yeah, scares ‘em away every time. 

Many think this is simply the reality of online dating and I’d tend to agree…

maybe…

…if I weren’t me.

I’ve been just as impressed and stunned by the audacity of men I’ve met in face-to-face (F2F) world. For example, there is the standard run of the mill deceiver, who is just a victim of his own ego, and who can’t make up his mind between the real and warm present and a figment of his imagination from the past.  These men are not emotionally available, though, they might be available in every other sense of the word which makes them difficult to spot.  Sad thing is, unless you really pay close attention to the “I’m just not that into you” signals he’s giving off you’ll end up blindsided and heartbroken by this dude.

The most bizarre incident, was the guy who was introduced to me through friends.  I figured, these are my friends, right?  They know I am not into dating married peeps, right?  Wrong.  The third or fourth date in and conversation turns to the GOYA Club. 

“The what?” I asked. 

“The GOYA Club, “ they repeated laughing hysterically, “The Get Off Your Ass and file the papers club.”  It was then that I learned that my date was separated, had been for two years, but was no where near filing the divorce papers even though he had good income and was financially able to.  Very calmly and with a completely straight face I turned to him and said, “I’d like to go home now.”  I hear that three months later he was divorced and less than six months later remarried. Bizarre. Better her than me.

In the last month alone I’ve had men come on to me, set up dates with me, and back out admitting they already had girlfriends. (Whatever.)  It apparently didn’t work out with the girlfriend for one guy because right after the new year he emailed me asking if he could have a fresh start and an opportunity to explain.  I’m not kidding!  What do you think I said? 

“Yes!  Ooooh! Ooooh!  Pick me!  Pick me!”  Uh, not exactly. 

“Sure, I’d love to give you the opportunity to explain,” I texted back. “I’d just like to take the opportunity to remind you that I am a blogger and I was wondering, could I record this conversation?”  Never heard from him again. I just wonder what people like this think?  Seriously?  They just notified me that someone else was first in line and they ditched me (yeah, I’m being gracious about the whole deception thing here) for that person.  It didn’t work out with them, so now they contact me hoping I’m still free and insecure enough to be so thrilled that they decided to go to the second string. Wow.  What must people be thinking these days?

The really sad thing that all this brings me to conclude is this:  Many are desperate for deep and meaningful connection with another human being.  We desire intimacy and that experience of knowing and being known.  We want to know that wonderful exquisite experience of being able to be completely vulnerable, without fear and to know that we will be treated gently, lovingly, carefully and that even with our flaws, failures, past mistakes and bad choices we will be accepted for the unique individual we are and loved regardless. 

This is a human and admirable thing to desire.

But so many of us go about it in the wrong ways.  Instead of being transparent we cover and hide. We start the very relationships we hope will save us out on footing that is sure to falter, stumble and fall. We think, “Oh, if they could only get to know me first the rest wouldn’t matter.”  This is the biggest lie of them all.

The really disappointing thing is in all this is, that when we lie to another person in this way, we deprive them and ourselves of enjoying something real. Somebody in the dialogue isn’t being honest.  The other person is developing trust and connecting based on the information they have rather than the truth. The relationship is predicated of falsehood and deception.  The other person is not given the chance to make an informed choice for themselves.  When that truth is finally revealed what the deceived person experiences is nothing short of betrayal.  Not a real great way to begin a relationship you hope will last.

This is not a good thing. 

Not if what we seek is something really special. 

Not if what we seek is something authentic, built on trust that is proven and demonstrated.

Not if we want that special something that provides both people a safe haven to retreat to at the end of each day.

None of the hiding deceptiveness will ever really, truly be able to amount to love, because love by nature requires trust and trust is dependent upon honesty.

I just think things would be very different if people behaved as though they had to sign a Truth-In-Dating Clause.  I, for one, am thinking that before I go out with the next guy I’m going to have to fax him the form.

What’s Cooking & Other Kitchen Games

I’m pitching a reality TV show idea to Hollywood.  This show would feature any number of really excellent cooks (Rachel Ray, Paula Dean, and, ooh la la Emeril (Bam!) to name a few) who would come in to the studio kitchen and attempt to teach me how to cook. I would then attempt (keyword: attempt) to make the dish or the meal, right there on national television.  It’s a bit like Julie & Julia because, of course I would be attempting to imitate a great cook, but it would also combine elements of some other reality TV shows like Survivor.  The audience members getting drawn to sample the finished product (would they be the contestants or the judges?) would be the ones trying to survive, of course.  The name of this new reality TV show?  You guessed it, “How To Screw Up A Really Great Meal”.  I can hear it now.  The studio audience applauding, the cameras swing into action panning the audience, lights go up full, the musical score plays and the announcer’s voice belts out my cue to go onstage, “This is How To Screw Up A Really Great Meal with your host, The Wild Mind!”  The crowd goes wild, because they truly hope that this episode will be the one where I finally pull off an edible attempt.

Sigh.  One can dream.

Hell’s Kitchen

Truth of the matter is, I’ve never been comfortable in the kitchen until recently.  Growing up in my home, for me, and learning to cook with a dad who was first, an excellent cook himself, and two, anal retentive about leveling off every single cup, tablespoon and teaspoon.  Now, that’s not such a bad thing, but something happened between my father and I in the kitchen every time he tried to teach me a recipe that led to him getting frustrated with me and me in tears about it…or angry.  My memory of the experience is a bit Hell’s Kitchen-esque.  The result?  I gave up trying to cook.  By the time I really needed to cook to feed a family, there was no way on God’s green earth I was going to ever measure up to my, then, husband’s mom’s cooking or my now deceased father’s ability to measure and scoop so succinctly, so again, you guessed it, I gave up and quit trying.  I mean, who really enjoys slaving away for a couple of hours after a long day at work only to be greeted with criticism.  Throw the poor cook a bone and at least affirm the effort. Those of you wonderful family members out there who suffer in silence and still muster the lie, “It was great honey!” and manage to choke it down anyway, are to be commended.  You will soon be dining like kings instead of ordering out take-out. Anyway, enough of my deplorable kitchen issues. 

Cooking isn’t rocket science

One thing my dad did tell me was any fool who can read can learn to cook.  In fact, his attitude was that if you can read you can teach yourself to do anything and by the time I left home for college he’d proven that theory on a number of things in his own life.  It was pretty amazing.  So, while our father-daughter bonding kitchen experiences are less than ideal, my dad set a pretty great example in a bunch of areas. Learning things you have no clue how to do was one of them.

So, with that example, and with the added incentive that my poor children are starving, I’ve decided to, finally in midlife, do something I’ve really always wanted to do, but have never really made a commitment to doing.  I’m finding that cooking is a lot more fun than I expected. 

Since being single, I’ve found out that there are also many, many men who are not only great handy men, but they are skilled in the kitchen as well.  This leads me to think that gaining some kitchen knowledge might be a lot more fun than I previously thought.  After all, there’s a lot of fun to be had using hot pads, an egg beater and real butter.  Accompanying the meal preparations with a fine bottle of wine is a nice touch.  Later in the evening the adventurous cooking couple can advance to serving each other cocktails such as Sex On The Beach or Screwdrivers.  But for those, who like me, are uncertain of themselves in this new domain, I’d like to suggest these simple steps to enjoying a wonderful culinary experience. This is a combination cooking experience for beginners and a party game.  It is a versatile recipe.  Feel free to experiment with your own combinations and techniques.  As you gain confidence and skill, I’m sure you, too, will be able to develop your own personal culinary style.  If you’re more adept at the culinary arts maybe you could leave a comment and share what variations on this recipe you’ve tried. 

Recipe For Kitchen Success

Ingredients:

2 nicely shaped ripe oranges, one ripe but not over-ripe banana, saucepan, oven with working heat controls, 1 very flavorful Kielbasa, seasonings.

Instructions:

Step One:  Carefully and slowly, peel the oranges

Step Two:  Gently squeeze the oranges

Step Three: Savor the oranges as you simmer over a low heat and season to taste.

Step 4:  Continue savoring and simmering while stirring occasionally.

Step 4:  While simmering the oranges over a gradually increasing heat, peel the banana

Step 5:  When the oranges, banana and oven are fully heated…

Step 6:  Play Hide The Kielbasa

Enjoy!