The song, Porcelain, by Moby is haunting me these days. Actually, it’s haunted me on and off for the last two years. Here’s the story behind this song for me.
Shortly after leaving my second ex, I wasted no time getting into the dating scene. Well, wait. That’s not totally true. I gave it about 4 months, then tentatively decided to test the dating waters, before my divorce was completely final, but well after I knew it was going to be a done deal. Having dealt with so much angst and drama during the marriage, I was quite certain I’d dealt with all the “stuff” and was emotionally available enough to begin dating. Yeah. Right. I so was not.
However, had I not dated, I would never have realized this.
Dating, forcing myself to engage and relate with others, even if it meant it wouldn’t be a serious and life altering, till death do us part proposition, showed me who I was at that time. I learned more about me through the process of dating than I ever would have had I chosen to sit home and lick my post-marriage wounds. But with every encounter there is eventually a good-bye and that’s not always the greatest emotion for most of us to face especially for the girl with some mild attachment/separation stuff in play.
OMG! Those poor men I dated. LOL!
It was during this time that I signed up on some dating site and it was during this certain period that I had a rash of men from locations far and wide wanting to travel to meet me, wine me, dine me, admittedly sleep with me and well, find out if we had what it took to make a serious relationship work (ha! or so I believed at that time). I met few of them, but I did meet some of them. Most of them wisely opted for something offering closer proximity than I could. One such individual traveled four hours to meet me. He interested me online with wonderfully well written words and reasonable pictures. He met me in person with a gift: a small antique book. I have it still. He left me with this song one night, a week or two after our meet up. He IM’d me, shared this song over IM, while sipping Absinthe. It was the first I’d heard of Moby. It was the first I learned of Absinthe. It was the most unusual and haunting goodbye I’ve ever experienced.
Porcelain
by Moby
Hey, Hey, Hey, Woman, it’s alright.
Hey, Hey, Hey, Woman, it’s alright.
In my dreams I’m dying all the time
When I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye
Hey, Hey, Hey, Woman, it’s alright.
Hey, Hey, Hey, Woman, it’s alright.
Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me…
In my dreams I’m jealous all the time
Then I wake I’m going out of my mind
Going out of my mind
Hey, Hey, Hey, Woman, it’s alright.(x4)
Two years later, some significant relationships later, and this song still haunts me. The sound is amazing, but the lyrics….wow! What is he really saying? He doesn’t want her, he’s leaving her before she dumps him, it isn’t working because he’s more into her than she is into him? He thinks she’s not that into him so he ditching her? What?
Two years later, having faced inexplicable and just as confusing circumstances as the song’s lyrics seem to portray, several times over, I find this song as haunting as ever, just as disturbing but somehow cathartic. It is as though I must play it over and over. It haunts. It also soothes. No matter what, I’m going to be okay. This I do know.
Mostly, though, I just want to go down to the neighborhood liquor store and find out what the buzz about Absinthe is!
10 comments
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October 25, 2009 at 6:40 am
Travis
That song has always got to me too. I’ve been introduced to that song from the flip side of your situation.
It came across as a very multidimensional, multifaceted story. One where fear controlled his actions and what he thought she was doing.
That stuff, is a long road. Over time, each little thing that you thought you dealt with will resurface and test you. And, inevitably, you will let some of those things affect the next relationship.
October 25, 2009 at 6:58 am
TheWildMind
Travis,
Very interesting take on the song. I do think fear (and it’s counterpart, suspicion) play big here in the song’s story.
I especially agree with your statement, “Over time, each little thing that you thought you dealt with will resurface and test you. And, inevitably, you will let some of those things affect the next relationship.”
Sometimes these things that affect the next relationship are a good thing. They serve as warnings of what to avoid so we can see the warnings earlier and get out before some really serious pain occurs. What do you think?
October 25, 2009 at 7:30 am
Travis
I agree to some extent about warnings. watch for that “bad vibe.” As you ignore each “bad vibe” that comes to you, it will be harder to ignore the next one.
I do believe that sometimes the problem belongs with oneself, and can ruin the next relationship, because of our own insecurities. The fear of previous pain can overshadow a good relationship. Causing us to inject a worry that really doesn’t exist.
Fear… It get’s us every time
If we have had serious drama in our marriages, then it will take time to separate what insecurities belong to us, and what we really need to look for in a healthy relationship. While watching for those warning signs.
October 25, 2009 at 7:48 am
TheWildMind
Agreed! Agreed!
October 25, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Alan
Thanks for the comment, your stuff is very well written as well. Careful with the Absinthe Missy
October 25, 2009 at 2:42 pm
TheWildMind
Ah, Alan, thanks for the kind words and the advice. Written from the viewpoint of one who knows, I wonder?
October 25, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Alan
Med school doesn’t leave too much time for Absinthe fun
October 25, 2009 at 2:59 pm
BigLittleWolf
Not the usual farewell… and it sounds to me like he’s leaving first, before being left.
As for absinthe – dangerous stuff, banned for a long time. Many late 19th century artists/poets in France used the stuff (Baudelaire, Rimbaud, Verlaine, Modigliani, Van Gogh). NOT to be messed with.
October 25, 2009 at 3:20 pm
TheWildMind
BLW,
That was kind of my take too. Like he’s trying to second guess her feelings and thoughts without checking them out with her. I hate when that happens.
Hmmm, absinthe, I’ve heard that before. I’ll take your word for it. The liquor store is too far away and I have some bills to pay! LOL!
October 25, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Daily Connoisseur
Porcelain is a beautiful song- it reminds me of when I was in college… Absinthe, however, is something that I cannot even think about without feeling sick! Another college experience (this time I was in Europe…) oh dear!
Lovely blog, by the way! xo