The world will be glad to know that I found a brand new hose that meets all my needs perfectly. It fits, it connects, it moves liquid from one place to the other without breaking off or spilling out. My pump worked beautifully the entire weekend. Life is so good when you have a reliable hose you can count on.
Monthly Archives: May 2009
Just as I predicted in my last post, that worthless old hose gave way today. When I drove in the driveway after an errand tonight, I was anticipating a fun frolic in my backyard pool. Instead, I noticed a flood of water streaming down the neighbor’s driveway. I knew it had to be hose failure on my filter since the neighbors do not water their lawn.
There is nothing so frustrating, disappointing and infuriating as hose failure at a time when you are so anticipating and relying upon the pleasure that hose will bring if it actually does what it is designed to do. But timing is everything! My hose failed just as I was anticipating a lovely evening swim. The filter now cannot do it’s job properly and the pool has lost 4 inches of water in just a few moments.
The hose spurted water in every direction completely flooding an entire area of my yard and my neighbor’s yard. I did not receive the relaxing, enjoyable experience of activity in my pool. Instead, I had to wait.
Now I am tense, crabby, irritated and actively searching for a longer flexible new hose! Breaking off and spilling out so do not work for me!
The Wild Mind has been busy the last four days working on getting ready for summer. This readiness involves dealing with the contraption you see here. No, it is not the latest model sex toy (wait, maybe it could be with just a little improvisation).This is a pool filter. It connects to the pool by various hoses similar to the one you see in the picture. There is a hose for outgoing water and a hose that takes in water from the pool to be filtered. My contraption is old. The hoses have not been replaced since I purchased the thing. The contraption and it’s hoses get a great deal of use too, so it is critical that everything is in proper working order. This morning (at times I can be a morning person) when I hooked up the contraption to the pool the hose that connects the skimmer to the pool kept breaking off. In fact, it broke off so many times that by the time I actually started the pump up, it burst again, dousing me. It was now too short to do it’s job properly. There is also another hose on this contraption (wouldn’t you like to have two hoses for just such an emergency?). This second hose connects the pool to the filter (that big bulbous part of the contraption) . This hose was far longer and more flexible than the hose that was splitting and breaking off. I switched the hoses, the pump works beautifully, however that old hose is still an old hose and will within a very short time begin cracking and breaking off from the pool again. This old hose segment needs to be replaced soon.
Six lessons learned for The Wild Mind: (no, I did not say “Sex Lessons Learned by The Wild Mind! Sheesh!)
1. Old hoses will eventually need to be replaced when they are unable to perform the task they were designed for.
2. Old hoses that remain long and flexible are far more useful for a far longer period of time.
3. Old hoses that break off and become too short are worthless.
4. Hoses that spray stuff everywhere except the appropriate destination are annoying!
5. Maybe there are times when having a spare hose around is a good thing?
6. The Wild Mind really, seriously needs a new hose! (Wait, I think anyone who’s been reading this blog for any length of time has already figured that out!)
Now where to find a decent, lengthy, flexible hose that will go the distance even after a tremendous amount of use? Hmmmm.
Here’s the deal. Guys are what they are. We want them to accept us the way we are. We women need to do the same. In fact, guys are often more willing and able to accept us as we are than we are to accept them as they are…without trying to change them. Seriously? I have yet to meet a guy that, if something about me didn’t work for him, he stayed around.
It’s just not fair to get into a relationship thinking a guy is “perfect, but if he would just be different in this one way”…yadda yadda.
The deal is this. He is what he is. That’s the way it is. If he decides to change because he decides to change then great that’s a bonus but you can’t sit around hoping he’ll change or waiting for him to change or coercing him to change. He is what he is and that’s the way it is…so deal!
I say this because I spent plenty of my own time in relationship wishing, hoping, conniving, coercing others into the change I wanted to see instead of recognizing that this was simply evidence that the two of us were just not a good fit. Not his fault. Not my fault. No one’s fault. We just didn’t travel comfortably together. I spent far too much wasted time and energy in bad relationships this way.
I won’t do it again.
But how do I avoid it?
I avoid it by being very clear (with myself) about what I need, what I want and what I can negotiate on and by staying very true to all of that in all my dealings with men.
For example, it is very important for me to be with a person who can communicate. He doesn’t necessarily have to be a Harvard trained communications expert, but he does have to be able to communicate clearly in writing as well as in person. If the guy I am with isn’t able to do that, I need to cut my losses and move on rather than waste my effort trying to reform him.
In my recent self-reflective moments, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I may well have had the tendency to try to reform instead of accepting. I probably wasn’t the easiest travelling partner in that respect. I don’t like that. I don’t want to be like that any more so I won’t be.
He is what he is. If there are things about him that I’m not comfortable with, I need to be honest about that sooner, rather than later and move on if I need to. Being in relationship with someone, but never really totally being okay with who they are is well, like, relational torture. How can you do it and ever feel good about your partner or what you have together?
This perspective also changes one’s dating M.O. After all, you really begin to think about the downsides to a person in a more thoughtful manner. Are the weaknesses you see in him, ones you can travel compatibly with or are they deal breakers? If they are deal breakers it is wise to move on and save the two of you a great deal of angst and time.
I don’t know that I have this all wrapped up, but that’s just what I’ve been thinking lately. A guy just needs to be free to be who he is. If you don’t like who he is when you’re dating, that’s probably a good sign it won’t work over the long haul. No one’s fault, but don’t waste time there. Just move on.
I was out with a friend the other day for lunch. She was sharing pictures of the home she and her husband just purchased and are fixing up. As she showed me the pictures on her iPhone, I was impressed with the before and after scenes and how much work they’ve done in such a short time. When I questioned her about how she and her husband accomplished it all, I received a wonderful loving description of her husband and all the things he did seemingly effortlessly on this home. She concluded her praise of him with the words, “He totally puts Husband For Hire to shame!” I thought this was especially touching since these two are past the honeymoon stage, have been together over 7 years, and are very much still “in love”.
Her words got me thinking.
First, the relationship she has with her husband is a rare thing. In many ways, what she and her husband model for me (generally, not necessarily specifically) what I hope to have. The key thing they share is a deep, abiding, mutual admiration and respect and love for each other. They also both have their independent lives.
Further, as a single mom who has no skills in home repair and who has no money to hire it done, I know how valuable a man with home repair skills is. I also realize that there are many valuable ways people can contribute to a significant relationship. I was originally going to title this post “Two Kinds of Men” because I was thinking of the handyman and the guy who is not handy, but the more I considered the topic the more I realized there are more than just two kinds of men and far more than two ways to contribute to a relationship. For fun, I came up with a few categories using broad brush strokes, I admit, that men can fall into. You may be able to think of more. In fact, I hope you do. Leave your ideas in a comment or write your own post and link to me. That would be great fun! Don’t worry, peeps. I am working on a post about different types of women too, but since men interest me more than women do, it was easier to start here. Enjoy!
1. The Handy Man. This guy can fix, build or renovate anything. You’ll never need to hire a repairman because even if you did The Handy Man could do it better and for less. He has all the tools and knows how to use them. If you find a guy like this, you’ll be able to have the home improvement jobs completed to your specifications every time. You might have to get used to some unfinished projects around the house as the norm rather than the exception. This kind of guy is amazing and if you find yourself with someone like this, spoil him immensely. He will build you a mansion of love from his own bare hands.
2. The Manager. This guy isn’t handy, but he isn’t okay with things being in disrepair either. He’s a conscientious sort who is willing to part with some money on occasion to make sure everything is looking great and in perfect working condition. He makes enough money to be able to pay to put in that slider out the master bedroom onto that redwood deck with a pergola and a hot tub which he also paid to have done. He is too busy making money so he can keep his love and his family in the manner in which he is proud to keep them. While he won’t hang the Christmas tree lights, he won’t leave it to his wife to do it. He’ll hire the Christmas Tree Light Hanger Person to come and make sure that every little light is perfectly spaced and straight and lit. If you find yourself with a guy like this, you are just as fortunate as if you were with The Handy Man. Guy Who Can Hire It Done is so responsible that he won’t let you down. He’s so detail oriented that he won’t let whoever he hires get by with doing a sloppy job. If you are with him, spoil him. He is proud of what he can give and do for you and the family. Appreciate it all and it will come back to you in spades or probably diamonds.
3. The Non Man. The Non Man cannot do home repairs, he doesn’t make enough to make sure that the repairs are kept up around the house by a repairman and he doesn’t care. He’s a fun person, lives for the moment and could care less about responsibility. He’s great in bed, keeps his body in shape and looks and acts eternally 35 even though he may have left his 50’s behind long ago. If he has a job, it’s his 15th one in the last three years. He leaves all the heavy serious stuff of finances, home repair, cooking, laundry and yard work to his significant other or his mother to deal with, stress about and lose her health over. After all, he has to play World of Warcraft. If you meet this man, move on quickly. The sex will be great, but the rest of the time you’ll just be babysitting.
4. The Chef. Highly sought after by career women these days, this guy is just a bit overrated. This kind of guy probably gets invited to a lot of potlucks and has a lot of friends due to his culinary skills, however, cooking a great meal every night is not as useful a skill as being good at the home repairs. After all, and I do speak from experience here, screwing up a really good meal is far easier to recover from financially than replacing that wall that was supposed to be a weight bearing wall and should never have been removed in the first place. So, if all he brings to the table are his culinary skills, maybe you should look further.
5. The Partner. This man is golden. He’s also a rare find. He is intelligent, capable, resourceful, has good table manners and uses good grammar when speaking and writing. He’s smart enough to know not to belch at the dinner table, knows which fork to use in a nice restaurant and leaves the seat down for The Other Partner. He’s a fully vested partner in the firm called Relationship. He doesn’t shirk responsibility, he has people skills, knows how to negotiate the differences in order to reach conclusions that work in the best interests of the other Partner and stakeholders in The Firm. If he can’t fix it himself, he knows just the right person for the job and will make sure it gets done. He does what he says he will do and doesn’t make commitments he can’t keep. He’s confident, not needy, won’t play games but will tell you exactly where he stands. When in corporate meetings he doesn’t seek to force his views or goals on others, but instead seeks to influence or persuade while fully allowing the other parties to make their own choices even though he might be very passionate about his own perspectives. He provides information and options instead of coercing. The Partner, while, intelligent, confident and capable, realizes that The Firm he is vested in is a collaborative team venture and not a top down organization where all the decisions run through the senior partner without consideration of the other entities involved. He works hard and is fully committed to his own success as well as the success of The Firm and others he partners with. He’s not a workaholic but recognizes that in order to be the best Partner he can be, he must take care of himself too. If you are fortunate enough to find yourself as a Partner in a Firm with a man like this stay with the Firm and work collaboratively with this man and you’ll be golden too!
Funny things happen in grocery stores. One time I was checking out and bagging my groceries. Right behind me was a guy that had contacted me on that Online Dating Site that I am on-again-off-again about. He contacted me, didn’t interest me, I responded politely, but not encouragingly. Plus, he kept asking me, “Having any luck on here?” Seriously? That’s not his business. So, it was weird to meet him in the grocery store. He recognized me, mentioned our brief correspondence and well, I got out of the store fast that trip.
This last week, I had another interesting encounter in the grocery store. I ran into a friend I knew while I was married to Ex #2. In fact, we were kind of in a disastrous marriage support group thing together. She happens to work in this store, but since she works days and I usually shop late afternoons or early evenings we never see each other. During the time that I knew her, she was just starting this relationship that, well, didn’t look that promising to me. I mean, it seemed the guy ran hot and cold on her. It also seemed he left her with the lion’s share of doing the work of “relating”. I remember thinking that I hoped it worked out for her, since she was really into this guy, but also thinking that I was very skeptical that it would.
My friend, didn’t recognize me at first. Seriously. She had to do that double take thing, then the triple take. “Wow!” she exclaimed, “You look great! How are you?!” ( I love it when that happens and it is happening a lot lately! LOL!) We did the girl hug thing that women do when they meet and haven’t seen each other for a long time. We spent a few minutes getting caught up. In fact, she ended up going through the checkout line with me. I told her that Ex #2 and I were divorced. She told me she thought that was a great decision, obviously, since I look so good now (her words). I asked her about the relationship she was starting way back when we were hanging out in that disastrous marriage group thing. Sure enough, three years later, she’s telling me how he proposed, then got cold feet and backed out. She finally ended it with him. I mean, seriously, she hung out with that hot and cold behavior for three whole years?
Women, why do we do this????
I found myself wanting to tell her, “Girlfriend, you made a great choice! He never was that into you!” Instead, I kept my mouth shut, encouraged her and listened and wondered why we women are so willing to “put up with” and “make excuses for” men who really just aren’t into us.
Men don’t lie. They tell us exactly what they think, in one way or another. If they don’t call, it isn’t because they are busy or “couldn’t”. It is because they don’t want to. We just aren’t important enough for them to carve out a few minutes to connect. A guy that really wants to be with a woman, doesn’t let her phone grow cold.
In the same way, when a guy runs hot and then cold, he’s not really committed or all that interested. Most guys know instantly if they want to pursue relationship with a particular woman or not. They are all hot about her, no cold, it’s just that simple. He wants to call her, be with her, do stuff for her and give her things, even if those things are only small tokens of care and even if he’s working within a budget. And, hear me, peeps. It isn’t the gift at all here that is important, it is the behavior.
I was talking with another friend last night, and we were discussing relationship and single life and guys and she said, “I think being alone sucks and I hate dating, but it is a whole lot better than being in a bad relationship with the wrong person.”
I’d have to say I agree.
Seriously. There are lots of really nice, handsome, terrific men out there. Contrary to popular belief. If he’s not crazy about you (and you are worth being completely crazy about!) then don’t waste another minute or amount of emotional energy. Okay, I give you permission to have 15 minutes of disappointment, but that’s all. Face it, if he’s not calling, wants to be with the guys more than you, seems to have a whole lot of other priorities higher on the list than you then, well, he’s not crazy about you and you deserve better. Be a realist. Face the facts. Move on.
You’ll be glad you did. I hate to say it, but he probably will be too.
I’m just exhausted tonight. Single parenting, like everything else in life has it’s moments of being really great and not so tough as well as moments where you feel like you’re sludging along up hill pulling a heavily loaded cart with no wheels. My single parenting experience of late isn’t so bad except that it is so very solitary. I’d elaborate on this, but I’m just too tired. Even now, I’ve typed and rewritten words three or four times already.
I had a full and fast paced day at work then errands after work. A two and a half hour end-of-the-year concert with my two oldest daughters performing ended the day. I just walked in the door and it is after 9:30 p.m.
It was a great day but it was a busy day.
I would love to post some things tonight. I’ve been thinking about the directions I’d like to head with this blog, but I’m too tired to give anthing any good thought right now. I’ve got a couple of projects I’m working on, but I’m falling asleep at the computer, so it will have to keep for now.
That’s my update.
Text conversation this morning from a friend who recently got stillettoed by the latest love of his life and spent last night drinking to get her off his mind:
Him: Drinking Stillettos off my mind worked last night. I went 0-4 picking up on women. Seems everyone has a b/f or two. But the headache is great. Did you find $20 in your underwear this morning? I did.
Me: Really? Wow! You must have been firefighting last night. Whose fire I wonder?
Him: I don’t know. And no strangers in my bed this morning. Can’t find my keys. Can’t find my work badge.
Me: Geez! Do you still have your truck and hoses?
Him: Let me check.
Him: Dammit. The truck is gone!
Me: Holy Shit! There is a great big massive RED truck parked out front of my house. You should see the hoses on this thing!
Him: That truck gets around.
Me: Yeah, it looks pretty broke in.
Him: Hey! The truck gets polished up.
Me: Polished, yeah, but these hoses are in sad shape! Ooops! The horn works.
Him: Those hoses will get the job done. Don’t you worry girl.
Me: Hmmm, no firemen on board, so it’s not looking good.
Him: They don’t know where the truck is either.
Me: That’s too bad. I’m such a morning person too. Dammit!
Hmmm, seems someone has a fire truck fixation going. Ah, well, might be better than that chicken issue a while back.
These are some of the most common reasons I don’t respond to men on an online dating site. I can’t speak for other women, and I’ll willingly and gladly admit that I’m one-of-a-kind and not like other women so it wouldn’t matter anyway. These are my thoughts and mine alone.
1. You only winked at me. Seriously? If that’s all the more effort you can expend even after my profile specifically stated that I dont’ respond to winks, you just told me you didn’t read my profile and all I have to say to that is “Next!”
2. You emailed me and this is what you said, “Hey, liked your profile. I was wondering if you’d like to chat.” Hell, no! I am not on this site to “chat”. I am not on this site to waste my time. I am not on this site to respond to any cut and pasted messages that you sent to a thousand other women. I am on this site to increase the odds that I will meet a man who actually has the same ideas about life and relationship that I do so that I can date him and become seriously involved with him with the hopes of building a fulfilling life and future together. After all, this is hopefully going to be the man that breaks my heart when I have to bury him because we loved each other so deeply (or whose heart is broken because he has to bury me). Chatting is beneath my dignity…and beneath the dignity of anyone who seriously merits my attention. (Now some ribald, tawdry fun on occasion is not out of the question, but you have to be amazing to make that work in the very first email, if you are and you do, you’re golden!)
3. You told me you loved my picture but said nothing more. Really, now. What am I supposed to do with that? Ask you out? Sorry, big guy. That’s your job. About all you’ll get from me on that one is, “Thanks for the kind words. Good luck on your search.” And, yes, I cut and pasted it for you and about 50 other guys tonight.
4. You told me your whole life story in the first email. So, what’s there to discover now? Next!
5. You disclosed to me that you beat your last wife, or that you beat your ex’s boyfriend up and did 5 months in jail for that little expression of emotion. I’m looking to eliminate unnecessary drama from my life, not invite it in.
6. You had no picture on your profile. While I’m such a Beauty and the Beast kind of girl, I am also savvy enough about digital realities to know that you can say anythng you want without a picture. I also know that with a picture you can still be lying. I don’t deal without a picture and I have my ways of discerning if you are lying to me with that picture or not. A huge part of relationship is chemistry whether you want to admit it or not and, yes, you have to look good to me. You expect that I will look good to you or you wouldn’t have contacted me. After all, I did post an accurate and recent picture of myself. If you can’t do,at least that, I’m not wasting my time with you.
7. Your username was stupid. Really. How smart is it to put up a user like “sexyfun1foru” when you are 5’2 and 300 pounds? Remember, you are contacting a woman who is 5’6″ in bare feet. Add the stillettos and I’m an easy 5’9″. Are you really going to be able to be someone I can look up to? Seriously…there are many lovely women in the 5′ range. Hunt them. I just can’t do someone who is shorter than my own son. Also, I’m sure you are a dynamo in bed but I would have downplayed those sexual strengths and focused on the inner person with your username. Kinda makes me think you’re just out for a one night romp.
8. You asked, “So, how’s the online scene working for you?” That’s an instant dealbreaker. It’s working WAY better for me than most, but that’s none of your freaking business so don’t ask.
9. Your first email and your profile for that matter was all about you. You didn’t ask any questions about me nor did you give me anything I could respond to beyond, “Oh that’s interesting.” I’m really not that into becoming someone’s groupie. I want a “relationship”, a partnership, a collaborative effort involving more than just one person. There are many out there who are willing to sign on as your fan club groupie, just because you look nice, have a job and have all the necessary body parts. Go have fun with them. I want something more.
10. You gave me your number and expected me to call you. Dude, let’s project that out ten years from now and we’re married. Translation: if I do it all now to get the relationship started…I’m going to be the only one doing anything to keep it together. Dealbreaker. No time to waste going down that lonely road. I want better than that. Next!
11. You emailed me but didn’t close the deal. I really find it so interesting that really successful competent men can work overtime getting to know a company inside and out. They learn everything about the organization so that when they do get that one shot to sell themselves to the company of their dreams they can impress those interviewing them and they can negotiate the best deal for them and the company they are interviewing with. They actually present themselves to their future employer by detailing how their strengths and experiences can benefit the company. Then they go a step further and ask for the job. They follow up the interview with thank-you notes of appreciation and they continue to relentlessly but diplomatically follow up until they know they’ve got the job or they’ve been eliminated. Men, do not operate this way with women. With women and online dating, it seems that men more often fill out the application (put up a profile) and apply for the job( make an intial contact or two), but then they expect the employer (the woman) to go chasing them down to offer them a job (he leaves his number but she has to do all the work to get the thing rolling) . Or, he contacts her and makes small talk but never gets around to asking her out or making arrangements to meet her. What is up with that?
And that’s just the first 11 reasons!
Okay, I’ve recieved stupider and funnier ones than this one. Like the convict who dared accuse me of stalking him just because of a stupid Facebook comment I made where I repeated verbatim something he told me. Yeah, I’ll have to tell you about that sometime. Tonight’s email was so much more benign…almost boring…but ridiculous in the unfounded assumptions the author made about me and my interest level toward him. I mean, since I never really responded to his digital advances, I guess I couldn’t exactly be labled “interested” let alone a stalker. I just don’t get it sometimes. I just don’t get how guys think sometimes.
Online dating is such a freaking joke.
I’ve dabbled in this venue on and off for the last year, mostly off with a month or two on when I get bored and have nothing better to do…which…seriously…is not often. This equates to me being on an online dating site, maybe, three times for a month each, in the last year and a half.
About a six months ago a fairly attractive man contacted me and we began communicating. Okay he emailed me, I responded, we got to the first phone call, after that he went silent.
BFD. His loss I figured. I was spinning about 10 online plates at the time so what did I care. He easily slipped from my mind.
About a month and a half ago after being “offline” for about 5 months (yes, one month online can easily net me the next six months in dates, get over it!) I went back online again.
The same go silent BFD dude contacted me again.
Hesitantly, meaning I waited about a week before responding, I responded.
He emailed me once.
I waited, he emailed me back.
I emailed him and you guessed it…he went silent again. Never to hear from him again until tonight. (Seriously, I missed no sleep over this. I’ve really so changed my perspective on the go silent thing. It is now actually a favor. He goes silent. I know all I need to know, I move on. Over and out. Next!)
That was nearly two months ago. I haven’t contacted him. I haven’t spent any time thinking about him. Seriously? I’ve been having way too much fun in my little corner of the world to wonder why the heck he doesn’t have the good sense to follow up on a good thing when he stumbles across it and…stumble he has. His loss. My response? Next! (Well, not even that…he didn’t even make it to the plate!)
Tonight, after two months of silence and no follow up from me I get the following email:
“Cat, just wanted you to know I met some one and am off the radar.”
Hahahahahaha! The freaking arrogance of it all.
*she rolls eyes and clicks delete while thinking, “Dodged an arrogant self-absorbed bullet there!”
Off the radar?!? Dude, you never even created a blip on the radar, so yeah, I guess you’re right, you are off the radar!
I mean, really, I have to laugh, if I was stalking him, I’d understand, but this is a guy who initiated contact with me every time, spoke on the phone with me once, and I never really made any big effort to respond or encourage him. I mean, I just don’t get it.
Ah, well, chalk it up to comic relief. I was, at least, able to squeeze a lame blog post out of it.