3 X 2:00 A.M.

Yep, up again last night too, only this time 2:00 A.M. and 4:00 A.M. 

At 4:00 A.M.  the 8-year-old scoots over next to me, puts her head on my shoulder and wants to sleep right there practically on top of me.  It’s a freaking king size bed and she wants to sleep right next to almost on top of me.

Okay, so I didn’t mind that so much.

But I do feel like crap.  That was the worst night’s sleep I’ve had in a very long time.  Feels like every muscle in my body is screaming in pain…well…it did until I got up and started moving. 

Wow.  What is up with me?

……

……….

………………..

As I sit and stare into the white computer screen, mentally I wander…since I haven’t really slept well the last three nights…it’s easy for me to drift now…

I drift in my mind to a scene on the coast, gray, windblown, tousled hair rainy days, running along the ocean’s edge where the sand is hard packed enough that you don’t slip and slide too much.  Scenes from years past of two little girls, now nearly grown and a chubby little boy, now thin and wiry, stumbling along hand in hand through the sand, picking up sticks and stones and bits of shell and enjoying the idyllic life they once had.

Another scene, this time a blonde haired blue eyed little beauty running and splashing on a bright sunny August day, digging in the sand, smiling, laughing, carefree.

I think a trip to the Coast may be in order.

2 x 2:00 A.M.

Twice in a row this week it has happened.

Twice.  Wide awake at 2:00 A.M. 

This annoys me. 

I wake up suddenly and am wide awake and fully alert.  I’m not groggy, I can’t go back to sleep. 

I get up, wander through the house, checking to see that all lights are off and doors locked though I know I secured everything before I went to bed at 10:30. 

The dogs are sleeping peacefully.  If there was a disturbance of any kind, even the merest wandering teen walking down the sidewalk across the street, the dogs would alert the entire household.

Silence.

The children are all in their beds, except for Little Bear, my youngest, who still finds it difficult to drift of without Mommy’s comforting presence.  She is in my bed and sound asleep.  Blonde curls swirling around a sweet, peaceful, pink cherub like face.

Silence.

All except for the thoughts in my head.

The thoughts that wander, roam, and run wildly and noisily through my mind, no matter the efforts expended to tame and corral them. 

The thoughts. 

The doubts. 

The sadness. 

 The regrets. 

The sense that I’m still standing in the middle of the crossroads, looking up at the signs pointing in all different directions and wondering which path to choose. Unable to move. There I am looking down each road, trying to discern anything that might help make my choosing easier.  Any clues?  None that I can see.

I’m the Tattered Princess, who conquered her own dragons without the aid of Prince Charming.  Fled the fire of the dying beasts,  barely escaping with my life and the lives of my little ones.  I am safe, my most precious loved ones are safe, but what we once “thought” we had is no more.  Whether illusion or certainty, the past no longer exists in the present.

The castle is in ruins.  There is no gold in the storehouse.  My kindgom is devastated and rebuilding it will be long and tedious even painful journey.  There is no Prince Charming to swoop me up into his arms, toss me on the back of his magnificent stallion, or wonderful magic carpet, to make the journey into tomorrow easier and less troublesome, or to at least offer a drink and caress at the end of a day.   

I stand at the crossroads wondering which direction to take, knowing I must take it alone.  And…I most certainly do not want to go it alone.

I never wanted to go it alone.

But I’m content to travel whatever path is before me alone, if the other choice is one of lies, hypocrisy,cruelty, games and power struggles…or worse than all these…boredom due to being linked with the unadventurous and dogmatic.

I am sad.

I could have sworn that this fairy tale had a Prince Charming written into it somewhere.  But he is nowhere to be seen.  The only ones stepping up to the plate so far have been dragons disguised or those faint of heart.

I am tired.

Tired of meeting the suitors tasked with winning my heart only to find that I don’t have the requirements for the job they’ve designed.  Tired of having them realize that the tasks ahead of them which are required to win my heart (be nice, be into me, be available, be reasonably intelligent, have a sense of humor, play well with others on occasion) are simply too grueling for them to endure.

I am surrounded by love but missing the one love I most wanted in life.

I experience this deep sadness of missing that one person I haven’t yet met…and may never meet….most intensely…. 

…at 2:00 A.M. in the morning.

Do Tell…What Are We Seeking?

So, all of us are out here looking for something.  What is it we are looking for exactly?  Freedom, independence,relationship?  What? 

What defines a successful, fulfilling life?

Is it different for everyone or are there some common threads that we all agree on that cross race, socioeconomic level, culture and gender?

What really is the most important thing you are seeking?

What is it that you hope to obtain or accomplish during your life that if you do not accomplish or achieve it you will feel that you epically failed?

For me, a soul mate to fight over the last drops of Geritol and the comfiest rocker on the front porch would be a bonus.

Hmmm?  What is it for you? Do tell. 

How Weird Can It Get? I Don’t Think I Want To Know.

I met him about a year ago.  Wait, I haven’t officially met him yet.  At least, not in person.  I first saw his digital image on one of those,you know, dating sites. 

It was last year and it was early in the year.

We exhanged a few emails, but I was corresponding with a number of other fish at the time, so it didn’t really take off.  Our communications fizzled.  About a month later, he contacted me and I responded and this time we got as far as the phone tag routine before things once again fizzled.

Toward the end of the summer, we once again, picked up our correspondence, got as far this time as talking over the phone and this is where it got interesting.

Things seemed to be going along swimmingly until one day he tells me he’s getting back together with his fiance. 

Great, thanks for telling me there’s a fiance involved!   He didn’t even tell me in person, which is probably okay, he left me a message.  The message said something like, “A new opportunity with my ex-fiance has come up and I just feel I have to explore this.” 

Okay, end of communication where I was concerned.

The next voice message I received from him occurred about two weeks later.  He said things didn’t work out and that he would be interested in getting together with me.

I call him back, but I waited a week or a few days.  I can’t remember exactly.  I just know that by this time I was feeling that he was somewhat unstable so I didn’t call right back.  I think curiosity got the better of me and I did call but it was a pretty delayed response.

We do the phone tag thing again.

A few days later, I get another voice message that is all apologetic saying, “I’m getting married in a couple of weeks.”

WTH!!! 

End of communication for me.  I hear nothing from him for seven months.

This Sunday I get a voice message from him again!  (August was the last time I heard from him.)

Again, he’s apologetic, but says he’s been thinking of me.  “That I’ve been on his mind.”  Things didn’t work out and he wants to take me out for coffee and he hopes I’ll call back. 

I haven’t called back. 

This one sounds really strange to me.  Or at least, a super case of the back and forth break up thing going on. Or is this some weird bizarre pattern that serial dating ax murderers exhibit before they commit their next heinous crime?

I think I’ll keep the dogs, set the house alarm and see about getting ammunition for that Colt .38 Detective Special that I have.

And, I’m not calling him.

What would you advise?

Back to Futility

Okay, maybe I should just drop this because I really am obsessing over this. 

Mostly, I just have a lot of questions.

Maybe they are the wrong ones.

What exactly do I expect?  Hmmm, that the guy is really into me while at the same time I am into him. 

That alone is a difficult pairing to find.  It’s either one or the other, so far not both, at least not for very long. So far.

Are my expectations realistic? Should nice enough be good enough even if the chemistry is missing? Can chemistry grow as you get to know someone or is it there and you know it right away?

I think I know the answers to these questions, but maybe I am wrong and I’m just being unrealistic.

Or…maybe…maybe it is like my friend told me:  I am just not ready to be in relationship right now so I am more interested in the ones who capture my imagination but which are completely unavailable, for whatever reason, thus causing me to not be able to fully emotionally  invest in the really nice guys in my own front yard.  Yes, there are several of them there at any given point.  If you come to my hometown you will know my house because it will likely be the only front yard with a bunch of really nice guys growing there.  I’m constantly weeding them out.  Maybe that’s the problem.

But I’m not sure that all I want is a “really nice guy”.

Maybe I am not sure what I really want after all.

Or, maybe I am too certain.

Maybe that is why I need to go through this exercise, which once again leads me nowhere.  Maybe I just need to go do something else.

Yeah, that’s what I’ll do.

Let’s All Work For Free!

Oregon’s Governor Kulongoski, in the stupidest statement I’ve heard yet, suggested that it is going to take sacrifice from everyone…and that he thinks teachers should have to work for free in order to help solve the budget crisis we are experiencing.  He says everyone must sacrifice, but then points out teachers.  Of course I am going by what my local paper had to say about it, which, granted, could be very skewed, distorted and inaccurate.  It usually is.

Even so, if Kulongoski made that statement or anything remotely close to it, then I think Kulongoski should lead the way by working those same days for free.  After all, I and many others that he would like to have “work for free”, already paid his house mortgage.

Is Kulongoski willing to go to my mortgage company and see if they will let me live in my home those days for free?  How about having Kulongoski talk to the utility companies so that I can receive my gas, electric, phone, water, garbage and cable for free for those days as well? 

Is Kulongoski also willing to talk to the gas companies so I can receive free  fuel for my car so I can work those days for free?  While we are at it, he will need to speak with my lender about my car loan so I can get my car for free for those days.  In addition, I will still need to eat and feed my children, even though I am not getting paid so I will need to get my groceries on those days free as well.

Further, why is it that the teachers are always the ones to have to pay the price for the failures of the rest of society?

Finally, why are we considering increasing food stamps to people on welfare so my taxes can go up to give people who already get more $ in food stamps in a month than I  am able to spend on groceries in three months on my family of 5?  Let’s start to balance the budget with inequities like those.  What about the financial expenditures that go to assist people who aren’t even U.S. citizens?  Why are we replacing furniture in offices in Salem, when we can’t even fund the education of our children?  And, again, why is it that the teachers have to be the only ones to  pay this price? 

Let’s make IDOT work for free.  Or how about all the educational administration who work more days during the summer anyway?  Let’s cut some of their days instead.  Oh, I know, let’s let the entire Oregon State Police force work for free.  Nope, seriously, I think everyone contributed to the problem, everyone should sacrifice to solve it.  We should all have to work for free.

Yeah,now, there’s a genius plan.

I mean, when is this state and the nation for that matter, going to wake up and realize that teachers don’t make the decisions.  Everyone does.  Teachers have long been the easily targeted scapegoat for all of society’s educational woes, but sadly, we only do what the voters and the legislators tell us to do and we often do it without the funding, without the time to plan and prepare for it and without the support.  We routinely work for free already, just like anyone else who is in a professional, salaried position.  Unlike other public employees, teachers do not work on a time clock, they work on a salary and are expected to operate as professionals which means taking work home, putting in extra hours, obtaining our own training at our own expense and on our own time.  Were I postal worker, I could simply clock out and go home. Not so as a teacher.  I’ve already worked my days for free this year, and all the other years I’ve taught. 

Kulongoski’s going to have to starting thinking about what he says, before he says it because that statement made him look more like he was airing his routine on Comedy Central rather than attempting to lead a state in financial crisis. 

This ought to be interesting.  Let’s all watch and see how he hopes to make that happen.

Exhausted and Fatigued

Admittedly, I may have been drunk blogging on that last post.  At least I wasn’t drunk dialing.  Be my luck to drunk dial 911 and not remember I did it and then when the cops showed up be in for it big time.

Okay, so Mr. Right expectations:

Elusive, nebulous, crap.  But to recap anyway:

1.  He must be ALL that into me.  (No compete forms signed in advance)

2. I must also be all that into him.

3.  The first two are the most important and none of the rest matter if they are both in this place with each other.

I’m tired and can’t make it any futher.

I have so much to deal with on this topic….

So little time and energy so I’m good with taking a break.

G’nite!

Getting Clear About What You Want…What I Want

Okay, revisiting expectations for Mr. Right. 

Seems like I spent a lot of time doing this the last three years of my last marriage, but, things change, I’ve changed, and I guess I just need some time to take stock and revisit what I thought seemed so simple so many (4) years ago.

First off, I think it is a good idea to be very clear about what you want. 

When I think about how I want my home life to roll with kids, chores, schedules, behavior, conversation, routines, etc. I always have a very clear idea of what it is that I want it to look like when I’ve reached my goal.  I don’t think about what it looks like when I’m close.  I think about what it looks like when I’ve arrived.   So, for example, if my goal is that I should be able to go out to dinner with adult friends and come home to a clean, orderly home where young ones are in bed and old ones are doing their thing quietly and all messes are cleaned up and the house is not partially burned down, then this is what I envision as I seek to teach my children what my expectations are.  Keeping this vision in my head is what helps me guage whether or not I’ve attained what I originally sought.

Sadly, men are not children and the ones we are dating we cannot simply teach (at least not directly) the behaviors we desire.

So, we have to think about stuff a little bit differently. 

For example, we must be very clear…okay, drop the we, I must be very clear about what my idea of the ideal “Match” for me would be.

Sadly, after the thousands of hours of thinking about this and journaling and reflecting and dating and analyzing and tallying my point charts up and doing my pro’s and con’s lists, I’m no closer to nailing this one than I was when I started. 

Some tell me my expectations are unreasonable.

Others tell me, “Dont’ settle.  You deserve and are capable of choosing the very best for yourself.”  Whatever that means.

I don’t get it.  I know I screwed up big, twice in the past with marital mistakes.  I personally think this was due to letting other people navigate my course rather than me navigating it for myself, but I could be wrong.  I also think guilt, fear, shame and religious legalism played into my errors in a big way. 

So, now I am, once again, back to the drawing board, and for no other reason than to just make sure I’m still clear on exactly what it is I want.  I have no serious (some potential, but not really, probably, serious) contenders for my alliegiance for an exclusive relationship.  After my last little rendezvous with The Beau, I’m not so sure I’m going to jump right into an ‘exclusive’ dating relationship until I’ve revisited some of my priorities.  This is easier said than done.

Okay, so I’m going to make a stab at it.  I might not finish tonight but I’m just going to let it roll and see how far I get before I fall asleep at the keyboard.

First priority for me:  He has to be “all that into me” AND I have to be “all that into him”.  This alone has been the dealbreaker for most relationships I’ve started, entertained, considered, met, whatever.  It usually doesn’t get much past this.  He’s either not that into me or he is and I’m not that into him. It has to be a mutual “into each other” thing. 

But how do you know when that happens?  Is this something you know immediately…or is it something you develop over time?  It’s a strange thing. 

Okay, look.  I’ve dated enough online to know that if you get to know someone in digital world, before you meet them in real face to face world, you can fall completely in love and ready to commit to forever with that person.  Then you meet them and you find you are not at all physically attracted to this wonderful person you met, conversed with and got to know digitally.  This is where digital world is problematic.  We can get to know the heart of someone really early on, and love it, but then later find out that the physical part of this person is simply not attractive to our physical part.  I know it sounds shallow but we are both physical and relational, emotional beings.  If we can’t connect physically…well…I don’t know.  Seems like a tough problem to resolve for me.

I know the physical aspect of relationship is important to me.  But I could no sooner tell you what I think that looks like than fly unassisted to the moon. I’m guessing my ideal type of guy is the quasi nerdy, professional, intellectual sort.  I don’t go for the Brad Pitt hotties.  I go for the bright, articulate, competent, I guess, nerds (but I don’t think of them that way).  But how do you describe any of that physically?

I know I like guys taller than me.  My issues, but, yeah, the guy has to be taller than me even when I’m wearing stilettos…or else…he has to be completely confident and lacking in small man’s disease if he is shorter than me.  Every woman wants to feel delicate and femine at some point, okay, maybe that’s just me, but being three feet taller than my guy and thinking of the idea of squashing him if I’m on top is not exactly a pretty thought…and I’m not a big woman…hopefully you get my drift here. 

There are some things that can work and there are some things that just won’t and in between there’s a huge playground of possibilities to explore.  How do you possibly nail down expectations on that one? 

If he’s into me AND I’m into him regardless of what we both look like I’m good.  However, I say that with the full expectation that he has to be attractive to me.

Priority Number 2:  He has to be attractive to me and I have to feel like I’m one sexy babe around him.  Not just sorta either.  I have to really want to, yeah, well, you know, make all his fantasies come true every night!  I couldn’t tell you what that looks like either.  I generally and pretty consistently fall for the tall, dark and handsome sort.  But that isn’t a hard and fast rule and they don’t always have to have brown eyes, but generally that’s been the trend for me.  However, a man with all the right personality and temperament and philosophical qualities housed in a blonde haired blue eyed body wouldn’t automatically be crossed off the list either.   On the flip side of this, if I get the feeling he just doesn’t get that turned on by my physical self, then it’s not going to be a go, because that will only inhibit me in the affection department.

Are you beginning to see how really difficult it can be to nail down one’s expectations for “The Perfect Match”?

Let’s talk about Priority Number 3: He has to have a sense of humor that isn’t constantly based on being funny at someone else’s expense. This one’s an easy one to determine.  If I’m falling out of my chair, tears streaming out of my eyes, and my guts hurt, yes, physically hurt, from the deep belly laughs this person emits from the depth of my tentative, frightened-to-express-myself little soul, then he’s definitely ont the short list for my undying affection.  If he’s droll, relies on canned humor exclusively and doesn’t get my quirky, weird sense of humor then we’ll probably both be unhappy together.

Okay, well, we got as far as my top three before I decided it was bedtime for me.  I’ve had an ultra long (though really wonderful) day and all the Valentine celebrating is taking its toll.  Plus, the weightlifting I did on my upper body yesterday is still giving me muscular reminders that it occurred. (Oh, yeah, I’m feeling the ball squats too!) 

Take your best shot.  What are the top three most important priorites for you in determining expectations for your “perfect match”?

Expectations, Schmecpectations

Alright, alright.  I give.  Expectations for the perfect match are important.  They are real.  We all have them and we all better be clear on what they are up front because they color our behavior toward our significant other in so many  ways.

I know I need to spend more time exploring this.

I also know I’ve already spent the last three years exploring this and, once again, the terrain is beginning to shift.  I need to revisit the topic.

But tonight, I’m a bit tired.  It is late and morning comes way too early on work days.  I need to get to bed.  But I will be back to fully address this topic in far more detail and intelletual capacity than I am currently able to provide.

Thanks for being patient with me.

Conversing With The Italian Job

So, I went for a walk tonight.

It wasn’t just any walk.

It was a walk to remember.

First off, it is the night before a school day and that, for me, is usually fully packed with no time for me. Hence, no walks and no workouts in the evening for me.  And, evening is when I work out best because I have to be at work at 0′dark thirty so getting up even earlier than that, well, screw it.  I simply refuse.  Let the world reject me.  I don’t care.

I hate doing anything before 6 a.m. unless it is making love with the love of my life whom I’ve yet to meet, so whatever already.

The I.J. and I decided to meet and go for a walk tonight.  We decided this on Valentine’s as we casually talked about stuff.  You know, stuff.  The conversation that is no conversation.  It’s fun, but takes you nowhere or it takes you everywhere depending…on…so…many…things.

So, we decided to set the time for 8:30.  I felt I could have my home reasonably settled down by then.  All kids would be back from events, dinner served and cleaned up and the two youngest in bed or heading that way.  At 8:20, I was in Target picking up some things I needed for tomorrow night’s presentation (thank God, these will be over for the year after tomorrow night) and I called him and said, “Let’s make it 8:45 and just come on up to the house.  He said okay.  We clicked off.

8:45 comes and goes.  I’m ready and waiting.  No I.J.

8:50 comes and goes.  I’m ready and waiting.  No I.J. and I think, “This is so not like him.”  Okay, now that thought right there freaked me out.  That I could, with complete confidence say, this was not like someone, was just…well…something I’ve NEVER been able to do where a guy was concerned.  I’ve always questioned and doubted because…welllllll….because I never really could trust the stupid guys because they were always so inconsistent.  The I.J. has yet to be inconsistent and therein lies the freaking out point….I knew without a doubt that he was not standing me up but that there had been a disconnect somewhere in our communication.  (Wow!  Amazing concept since the last two significant relationships I’ve been in were all about the guy playing games to manipulate and control.)

My son suggested I just call him.  I balked, but only for 5 minutes.

I call at 9:00. 

“Hey, where are you?”

“I’m down here on the corner waiting for you.”

He’d not heard me or misunderstood that I wanted him to go ahead and come up to the house.   I knew there was a reasonable explanation and, to be honest, this also freaked me out, because after my last few experiences with husbands, men are definitely not to be trusted, so my completely trusting him and not even questioning it, was a huge thing.  Yes, I’m getting healthier with respect to all that, but it says more about the I.J.’s complete consistency and unwavering reliability than it does about me.  Had he been anything less than honest, I’d have figured it out.

So, I headed out the door for our walk and he met me halfway between the corner where he was parked and my house.  Don’t tell me meeting halfway isn’t significant, because I, in my mid-40 wisdom, know so much better.

The minute he met me, we turned in unison and began walking.  As we did so, he asked, “So, hey, do you want to go on up to J’s or do you want to go for a real walk.”  A man after my own heart.  J’s  is the little sports bar that is located in the little neighborhood strip mall between his house and mine. We’d talked about my walking up there and just meeting him there but he didn’t feel so comfortable with that with it being dark out and all.  I’ve never been to J’s.  I’m a tad bit old fashioned and only recently have been going in and hanging out at bars by myself and J’s is not one I’d explored yet.  So, we went to J’s.

I’m sad I didn’t get my full 40 minute workout in.

It’s okay, I worked out earlier today with my son.

And….drumroll please….

The I.J. and I had some real conversation.  (To know why this is important you’d have to read my password protected post so there.  If you want to read it ask for the password otherwise, just guess what it’s about from the context here and be okay with that. It’s up to you.)

I dont’ even know how this happened, but I simply started by asking questions, but not third degree type questions.  These questions were “what’s your opinion on that” kind of questions.

First off, I have to back track a bit and make it clear that I did clarify with him where I was on the fact that his divorce, filed though it apparently is, is not final. He seemed to understand and accept my perspective here. At least that is what he said…mind you he said it…not implied it…not grunted it…but said, “I totally understand that that is something that needs to be resolved before we can move ahead.”  Well, okay, honestly, I can’t remember exactly what he said but that was very, very close.

And, of course, my head was spinning about that statement alone.  I mean, wow, it was so…what an adult would say.  Go figure.  No tension, no drama, just the straight up reality.

He ordered Scotch, and strangely I waffled.  I usually go for a Long Island Ice Tea hands down every time and completely with confidence, but tonight was feeling like it needed something different so I ordered a Bombay Sapphire Martini.  We sat and chatted over our drinks, but it wasn’t just light small talk chat.

We covered a great deal of ground.

We talked about a lot of stuff that isn’t just small talk joking trivial fun stuff.

We talked about his recent dating history and mine.  We talked about a lot of stuff!  In a short amount of time! 

At one point, I shared with him my “Are we building a house or a playground” analogy (see previous posts about this).  I actually shared this with him in the context of saying how important I feel communication is in relationship and how, disagreement and differing perspectives don’t freak me out nearly as much as simple non-communication.

He cut to the chase with that and said, “I’d love to build a house with you.”

He told me he understood that “building a house” didn’t mean marriage or LTR, it simply meant an exclusive relationship where we take it a day at a time and see what happens.

He told me that my baggage, and he knows what it is, doesn’t phase him.

He told me he understands that I cannot even begin to build the house until I see proof the divorce is final.

He talked.

We talked. 

It wasn’t small talk.  It definitely moved us forward, or somewhere.  And, it gave me a glimpse into the fact that quite possibly here might be a man who could very well surprise me in so very many really wonderful ways.