Swirlies And The Problem With Interludes

I have the swirlies. I’ve just experienced an interlude.  Wasn’t planned.  Wasn’t expected.  Was fun. Very fun.  Not exotic.  Not spectacular.  But unusual, unexpected, and very, very unique.  It was signature.  It was classic.  It is the stuff good romance stories are made of whether they end in happily ever after or not…and not all of them do.  But now, it is post-interlude and I have the swirlies.

The swirlies.  It’s that state of mind, hmmm, maybe that state of emotion too, where everything’s  in motion.  My thoughts, my feelings, my reactions, my motivation, my thoughts, my feelings, my reactions, my motivation…all of it is just swirling around like leaves in a breeze. The wind’s not blowing hard enough to just clear the yard of all the leaf matter.  Leaves are in motion, spinning, floating, dangling, coming to rest momentarily, then getting picked up again by the next breeze that floats through.

This is my state of mind this morning.

I’m filled with thoughts.

I’m fill with emotions.

I can’t sort any of it out.  I’m not really even sure I want to. 

I can’t keep any of it still for more than a moment or two and it all comes bubbling right up to the surface again.

I have to go back to work tomorrow.  Correction.  I have to go back to work today.  Because there is laundry to be done, a house to be cleaned, bills to be paid, and children’s needs to meet.

But I am filled with emotions and thoughts and my own needs.  I have my own questions.  I wonder.  I doubt.  I fear.  I hope.  And, none of it will settle.  I want.  I do know this.  I know what I want and that is not swirling.  Everything else is swirling around that. 

I have my own wishes…and my own regrets.  I wish I could have….I wish I’d said…I wish I’d asked…I wish.  I regret that I didn’t…I regret that I did…I regret…

And I wonder.  I wonder what.  I wonder if.  I wonder why. Will there be the opportunity for a re-do?  What if there isn’t.  Why?  Why not? What? What if? 

I also fear.  I fear the if…the when and the why.  Maybe, especially the why or worse…the why not.

Thoughts dash in and then out and back in.  They are swirling, roaming, floating, dashing, fleeing, swirling.  I have the swirlies inside. 

It is evident that today I will not get any answers.  I don’t even know if there are any answers to be had. For that matter, I can’t even pin down the questions.   So without questions, answers make no sense anyway.

I will not get any nearer knowing or resolving or settling anything today, I don’t think.  The leaves in my mind just refuse to be raked and bagged.  I am certain that it is going to be a waste of time to even try to address the tumbling mess of emotional and cognitive matter moving messily about my wild mind. 

So, I am going to give up and go do something else. 

Like laundry.  And making breakfast.  Or preparing for work tomorrow. 

Or any matter of other really normal, routine, business-as-usual things that I would be doing anyway….if the last three days hadn’t happened.  And that’s the problem with interludes. 

The really good ones can’t be planned.  They come as a completely unexpected surprise.

And, when they are over….

When they are over…the return to reality can be almost painful. 

Because a really good interlude, especially one that isn’t planned or scheduled, can put one in touch with what really matters.  And sometimes, it’s just hard to get back to the laundry after that.

Love at Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving morning, 2008.  It’s a foggy, misty morning.  I’m writing early because I might not have time later today, and I might not be inspired. I was planning to write some creative thing about being thankful in reverse…or “Things I’m Thankful I Don’t Have”, but being one of those undiagnosed ADD types, I went wandering around Wordpress instead. In my wanderings, I bumped into a couple of blog posts this morning that I thought were very good.  I thought I’d share them.  I always like it when people tell others about something that I’ve written that they found value in, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to return the favor.

The first is a new blog to me.  She writes about love, a huge, unfathomable topic and she barely scratches the surface as you can expect.  She does make some great thought-provoking points and I like the way she writes.  She also gave me much to think about and possibly blog for myself on the topic.  Her post’s title was fairly creative and I love creative.  You can read this blog post, “Love Shouldn’t Feel Like Getting Run Over By a Train” here. Now that I go back and reread the post, I notice that this particular article was written way back in 2006.  I need to get better at noticing things like that.  Even so, I liked it.  Maybe her comments will spark your thinking about the topic of love and family and your kids, if you have them.  I wonder if she’s still writing or if she’s abandoned her blog?  Hmmmm.  Whatever the case may be with her, I do agree with her title.  Been there. Done that. Bought the t-shirt.  Wore it out.  That’s why I clicked on her link.

The next post is more recently written by someone who is still writing.  His post’s topic is about doing the things you love and making money (or not) at them.  I’m pointing you to Jim’s blog, because he really is a fabulous writer.  Check out his complete post titled, The Money Will Follow (or Not), here. He also made me think…especially about this writing thing and making money at it.  His points reminded me of one of the reasons, beyond complete fear of rejection, that I haven’t yet published:  if I do what I love for a living, which in this case is writing, am I a.) good enough to make money at it? b.) is there a market for my kind of writing (and I don’t even really know for sure what that is yet, thus this blog) and c.) will it become a duty under deadlines instead of a creative outlet and intellectual passion?  (Jim didn’t so much mention that last point in his blog but the first two points were his.  They made me think of the last one.)

Anyway.  With all the talk about love this almost sounds like it could pass for a Valentine’s Day post.

I hope whatever you are doing today, that it is filled with peace, gratitude, good food, good company and some relaxation.  Anyone out there playing mud football today?

Men Are Like Dogs….

Okay, really…I did not say that.  Those are not my words.  Honestly…I am not kidding.  Those words, whatever emotions they might evoke for you, those words are not mine.  They were written by a man.  Now, before you go railing this individual as a traitor to the male gender, you have to read his comment in its entirety.  He commented on my post about Cowardice, written last summer. You can read his comment here. But for those of you who are lazy or just don’t want to open another window, I’ll paraphrase the comment.  My friend, said this:  Men are like getting a new dog…you never know what you’re going to get until you get him home”.  (my paraphrase)

This is first, a humorous comment.  It is also a frightening comment.  I think it is frightening simply because it is so true.  The implications here are significant for those wanting to consider romance, dating, shacking up, maybe even the idea of making it legal. And….hear this one…my dear male friends…it goes both ways.  By that I mean, you could say the same thing about those beautiful Venus bombshells you cannot live without or that you don’t want to live without supposedly.

You simply never can get the real picture about someone until you live up close and personal with them. 

And, if you are in the 35+ category for age, have children, a thinking mind and goals that resemble something more than I want to be rich and famous and will marry anyone to do it, then you must realize that what I’m saying here is of significance to you. 

Especially if you have children. 

You must be ultra careful about who and what you allow into your home. 

Disclaimer:  While the title of my post implies that men are the gender we are talking about, I think I’ve made it sufficiently clear that what I’m saying here applies to both genders.  My opinions definitely side with the “both genders are guilty” approach.  I just used that title because it was really cool and thought it might be a great way to entice more of you to my blog or to that article or to read Jeff’s great comment.  In any event…I am now not just picking on the guys.  I recognize that we women can be just as vile in our own ways. 

You must, must be careful about who and what you allow into your home.

I learned this lesson the hard way. 

In general all my growing up years I was the textbook firstborn eager-to-please driven kid.  I was a good little girl.  Well, so most people would have told you, but on the inside only I knew how rotten I could be at points.  But I played the “good little girl” role for so long and I did it so well for so long.  The problem was I was not dealing with and being authentically me.  So, as you might guess, this all spun out of control about 16 years into my first marriage.

I’d like to say that’s when I started making the bad choices, but the reality is, the bad choices I made started probably when I was 16.  The choice, have a boyfriend. Use him as your ticket out of the house.  Well, this thinking self-destructed down the road and after ending my first marriage…I jumped into a second one which was an absolute living nightmare. 

But it wasn’t a total loss.  It was during this marriage that I learned you must be very careful about the influences you allow into your home.  I was not careful.  I paid for it dearly during the marriage.  My children paid for it and are paying for it now.  I will not make those mistakes again…at least…I hope I won’t.

But here is the question that a statement like this raises:

I you can’t really tell what the “dog” is like till you bring him/her home, how can you be sure that he/she is the dog for you before you bring him/her home?

Because I guarantee you this…once you bring him/her home if she/he’s the wrong dog, it’s already too late and there will be damage done.  And who wants to bring a dog home with the idea that it’s okay to get rid of it if he/she “doesn’t work out”?  I mean, in spite of two failed marriages, that is sooooo not what I’m about. 

I still believe in long term commitment. I still believe in the institution of marriage.  I still believe that a good quality relationship is possible and that this deep, meaningful connection can last “till death do us part” (and not because one or the other of us hires a hit man either).

So, I’m going to ask it again and I do hope you’ll take time out of your busy schedule (I know it must be) to help me clarify my thoughts on this and to help any other lurking readers out there who might not know, but who would like to.  Here’s my question again:

I you can’t really tell what the “dog” is like till you bring him/her home, how can you be sure that he/she is the dog for you before you bring him/her home?

Inquiring Wild Minds want to know.

Faith, The Heart, and Futility

Technorati Tags: religion,Christian apologetics,Christianity,faith based belief systems,faith,atheism,religious arguments,apologetics,religious futility,what good is a god,religious perspectives,reasons of the heart,Pascal,quotes

I’ve had recent comments on my post titled, “What Good Is a God?”
in which the idea of “faith” was brought up in the same discussion but as an opposite to atheism.  It reminded me of a very good post I read last August at Steph’s Blog, titled, “Atheism is a Faith Based Belief System“.  The author’s logic is flawless and her premise sound.  It’s an excellent read.  I encourage you to go there and read the post in it’s entirety.  Don’t stop there, read the comments as well as her very clear and logical rebuttals.  Atheism and faith based religions actually do have something in common, much to many an atheist’s chagrin. 

But that is not all I wanted to say about this post on Steph’s blog.  In her post she also quotes Pascal saying, “The heart has its reasons which reason does not know”.  It is this statement that has stuck with me in the months following my first reading of her blog back in August.

In the end, after all the arguing and haranguing about religions, gods, and the validity, intelligence and proof of the same is done, who has moved one step further from their position toward a different view?  I mean, maybe it happens, but I doubt it happens often enough to be considerable and certainly not often enough to make the discussions themselves worth the energy, effort and fury that often accompany them.  In the end, we all make our choices, for our own reasons.  Some of our reasons make sense to us and some of our reasons most definitely do not.  In these instances, “The heart has its reasons which reason does not know” and we can neither deny it or change it, if that is our conviction.  The arguments, while helpful in clarifying our perspectives, are mostly useless in changing them it seems.  

In the end, as much as my religious perspectives make sense to me…and as much as I believe I have valid reasons for believing what I do…the most honest statement I can make about why I believe what I believe is that ““The heart has its reasons which reason does not know”.  I cannot irrefutably prove any of it…and it would be futile to attempt such a foolish feat.  And, I’d be shot down in intellectual circles for even attempting it. I know this, and I am okay with it.  It doesn’t change what I believe about the existence or absence of a God.  I’ve worked through why I believe what I believe ad nauseum in my younger years. I revisit things periodically and so far, nothing’s changed for me in spite of the many arguments and perspectives I’ve heard and considered over the years.

And, what exactly is it that I believe, you may wonder.

Keep wondering…at least for a time. That is the topic of a future post.

Into Every Autumn Some Leaves Must Fall…Somewhere…In My Case Everywhere!

Ahhh, the beauty of autumn.  It is truly my favorite time of year.  Alright, the fact that I’m writing this just about two weeks before Thanksgiving might qualify this time of year as winter…for many…but for me…it is still autumn. Besides that, I think winter doesn’t officially begin until sometime in December anyway according to the calendar…but…who cares? It was definitely the perfect autumn day in my small town the day I pulled out my new leaf blower.

It was the perfect day to try out the blower I purchased for 25 bucks at the local Wal Mart.  The blower proved to be much better and more powerful than the one I had before, which gave up the ghost several months before.

I had a blast, until I realized that I had purchased a blower that had a much smaller blowing capacity than the two feet deep leaf cover I had going in my backyard.  Okay, even after that realization, I still had fun…even though it took me three hours to blow the leaves and clean them up.

The next day, just as many leaves had fallen.  The following week brought heavy rains and a great deal of fog ot our valley…and the leaves continued to drop.  The backyard now looks just as it did before I blew the leaves last Saturday.

I don’t even care.  I love trees and I love my new blower.  There’s just something about a good power tool!   Guess what I’ll be doing this Saturday, that is, if it isn’t raining?  That’s right. Blowing my yard clean of leaves. Why?  Because it’s just weirdly fun to have a clean yard that’s why…plus I just like the idea of blowing leaves around all day.

Confessions of an Internet Dating Junkie

Technorati Tags: Internet Dating,online dating,romance,singles over 40,single parenting,dating after 40,dating,digital romance,transitions,divorce,relationships

I admit it.  I was an Internet Dating Junkie.  Well, okay, I wasn’t that bad.  I mean, I have a friend who recounts periods of her life where she spent time at an awful lot of Starbuck’s in our area and sipped numerous expensive coffee drinks in her quest for love or at least her Prince Charming. She told me of days when she’d meet with person after person after person.  I never went quite that far with the Internet thing. 

Here’s my story.

First some background.  You might be interested to know that I obtained my graduate degree online.  Now, for some, this is considered a joke.  For those of us who have been there, we know that online is not easier or less credible.  I am convinced after talking to those who obtained their degrees in face-to-face world that I worked harder and put in more effort online than I ever would have otherwise.  It’s a bit like choosing to cook for yourself instead of being spoon fed your meals.  There are pro’s and con’s both ways, but cooking your own meals (online learning) is not the easier route.  Anyway, it worked for me.  As a  single mother of four children, there was no way I could leave the kids alone several nights a week to go to classes at the University thirty minutes away.  I was able to get my degree and am now enjoying the measly, but nice, increase that my job rewarded me with as a result.  Enough said about all this.  The point is, I am not averse to meeting people online.  Networking in the digital realm was something I became quite used to during my degree program.  I met many people from around the world.  It was a fascinating and valuable experience to me and put me well ahead of the colleagues I work with day to day. Online dating, at least conceptually, was not a big adjustment for me. 

Here’s how it happened for me.

About this time last year, I was awaiting the final hearing for my divorce. My, at that time, soon to be ex (STBX), had completely shut down and gone AWOL.  I had not heard from him at all.  He’d completely discontinued any discussion or negotiation with me since our preliminary hearing in July when I’d been awarded the house and full custody of our daughter who was then six. Any attempts at communication by my attorney were met with silence.  He showed up at the designated parenting times but said nothing to me.  But, this was not alarming to me, as this was exactly how he treated me for most of the time we were married.  Indeed, it was this very unwillingness to negotiate the differences that ultimately broke the marriage. But, I digress.  The Internet Dating thing simply began as a distraction.

I was two weeks out, maybe three, from my divorce trial.  Clearly, my STBX was not going to settle out of court and save me court fees and attorney court costs.  After all, he was representing himself, what did he care?  So, as we waited, my little family and I wondering how our fate would be decided in court just after Thanksgiving, my oldest daughter said, “Mom, you need to put a profile up on Cupid.com and get your mind off all this.  Just try it.  See what happens.”  I simply laughed at her. But as I laughed she wrote my profile and posted my picture.  That’s how it all started.

I changed what she originally wrote…after a bit…but not before I checked out what other women and men were writing.  Yep, did you catch that?  I checked out what other women wrote, which means I went incognito as a man and searched for women in my age range to see what they were writing.  Personally, I wasn’t impressed. I had more fun reading what the guys wrote…because they used humor much more effectively…if they used it at all. If a guy used the intellectual approach, he usually did it very well.  The rest I didn’t care about.

So, with new profile, decent and recent and accurate picture of me posted I began my Internet Dating journey.  A year later, I can tell you, I’ve learned a lot.  I haven’t gotten married and I’m not officially in a relationship, though there is one digital beau that has captured my imagination far more than any others, but, he is still in the digital category and that can only take one so far for just so long. Since he’s over 1100 miles away, it’s going to be a bit of a challenge, but that’s not the point of this post, because he could disappear tomorrow for all I know…that is one thing I learned about online dating.  It is, until made otherwise, simply online. I’ve learned that over the year.

But I’ve also learned so much more.

Through this online venue, I’ve had the opportunity to meet some really interesting people that I would never have crossed paths with in my daily routine.  I’ve met some amazing people from all over this country…and I’ve learned something from all of them.  I’m a big believer that every encounter is valuable.  I’ve met many wonderful men.  They do exist…all the good ones are not taken. Strong men, intelligent men, sensitive men, thoughtful caring men who desire to provide, protect and love a soulmate.  Men who have given all to their wife and family  and been tossed aside like last week’s People magazine (and women complain about being thrown aside for newer models?).  And while none of these wonderful men would be the best match for me, this doesn’t negate the fact that each one of them has taught me something and usually that something enlightens me further so that when my Mr. Perfect (well, perfect in that he fits me and I him) Match comes along, I will recognize him.

In the end, I’ve learned more about me, who I am, what I can tolerate, what I can’t, where I want to head in relationship and where I don’t than I ever would have by just going to work and coming home every day. 

One  year later, with divorce final, and lots of dates that didn’t work out for a lasting partnership under my belt, I know what I’m about.  This is a good thing.  It means this:  I know what I have to offer a relationship.  I know not only what I want out of a long term relationship, but I also know what I have to bring to the table and to offer in relationship.  That’s no small thing.

So, for that reason alone I think online dating is a great thing.  I mean, it worked for me.  No, I didn’t meet Mr. Soul Mate on any of the dating sites and I’ve taken my profile off any site that it was on (except eHarmony…they don’t pull your profile down after you stop your membership…deceptive!).  I know what I’m about…I know I’ll know him when I meet him, whether it is in digital or real time and I know that he’ll somehow find me as I go about my business of being the best me I can be…because after all that is what I bring to him: me.  I loved the online dating days…and I may return to it…but for now, I am content knowing that I am who I am and the best thing I can do for any relationship I might eventually have is just be the best me I can be…and that means…at least for now…that I must write…I must teach…I must read…I must be a great (though exhausted) mommy and I must live life to the fullest every possible moment.  And it means that online dating for me has probably run its course…at least for now. I simply can’t spend my time, like my friend did meeting contact after contact and drinking coffee after coffee.  There is simply too much of life to be experienced…and as I’m experiencing it…I know Mr. Soul Mate and I will bump into each other somehow, unsuspectingly, and it will take us both by surprise….

At, least…that is what I hope.

Who Says Real Estate Is an Investment??!!!!!!

I am ready to sell this freaking fixer upper at a loss just to get out of it.  I am sick of all the little crap that goes wrong that I have no idea how to fix.  To figure it out takes days, weeks, and costs millions of lives.  I can’t do this any longer. 

I had a friend come in and fix the freaking drip in the kids’ bathroom which is the larger bathroom in my home.  Now, the hot water won’t freaking even turn on.  I am pissed.  Shuffling four children through my bathroom in a day (and my bathroom is the size of a broom closet and the shower alone only holds half a human being) is completely unrealistic. 

I’m thinking I want a rental, that I sign a forever lease on which keeps my rent the same, protects me from them selling the friggin’ property out from under me and requires the landlord to do the handyman work. 

The other option is to find and marry Prince Charming.  He only has to be good at three things:  home repairs, sex, and conversation.   Okay, it would be good if he picked up after himself and had a job.  Now, what the hell odds are those? 

I’m doomed!

Election Blues

It is now about a week past the big history making election of 2008. Just weeks ago, people were receiving invitations to election night parties.  My daughter, who is seventeen and not even able to vote in this election (she misses it by one month) is even invited to an election night party.  I have not been invited to any such parties. I admit, this sad state of affairs is my own fault.  After all, I’ve been completely derelict in my duties as a responsible American citizen.  I have not followed the political debates.  I have not kept up on the arguments on either side.  I have simply not followed the campaign at all. I feel like the losingest American in history (if we’re going on principle here) and I probably should.  I have simply stuck my political head in the proverbial sand this entire election season. 

The question begs to be asked:  Why?

The question is answered simply:  Why not?

Okay, I’m not saying my position or behavior is right or exemplary.  I am fully aware of the price women in decades, even centuries before me paid for the right to vote and be heard.  I value this and would not want to trade my place in history for theirs for anything.  I am so grateful for all those who have gone before who have established and protected our republic.  I am grateful but I am weak and ineffective.  I feel the fight before me to make a difference is hopeless.  As John Mayer states it in his popular song, “Waiting For The World To Change”,

“And when you trust your television
What you get is what you got
Cause when they own the information, oh
They can bend it all they want “

I guess, in the end, I feel that the entire presidential election is a big marketing scam.  I don’t know how many of the sound bites are real.  I don’t know how many of the images that I receive have been photoshopped and dubbed over.  I don’t trust any of it.  And I know that the media, even in it’s best effort cannot accurately retell all that was communicated or intended.  Why is that?

It is because of the human element.

The human element involves emotion.  Emotion colors our world.  Emotion distorts and photoshops our realities.  Each one of us, individually has a completely different read on the facts than the next person has.  And the people controlling the sound bites that reach me in my little living room in Suburbia USA are, in the end, human.  They pick and choose the sound bites that please or motivate them.  How can I trust that?  Media, as much as it pretends to be objective cannot be. 

It just seemed simply easier and more productive to ignore it all this year than not to.  I simply wish someone would step up to the plate, look at the issues, cut through the political popularity contests and get to work fixing the mess we’ve made of this country.  I would love it if a candidate could step up there and take a stand without having to be “bought”.  And, yet, that is our system.  For example, no one wants to deal with welfare reform because no one on welfare will vote you for you…while millions of Americans survive and sell for cash food stamps in amounts that triple what I’m able to spend on groceries for my family of five and the difference between many of them and me?  They just want to stay home with the kids and let others provide for them instead of going out and providing themselves when they are capable of educating themselves and getting decent paying jobs to do so.  I know that this particular issue is more involved and difficult to address than I’m giving it time for here.  I know that there are other issues facing us that need just as much attention and which are just as complicated.  It isn’t an easy set of issues to tackle or solve regardless of your political affiliation. 

I guess in the end, I feel that the problems are in many ways insurmountable without a complete redesign of many aspects of our government and government agencies.  This redesign will never happen in our current system which is so focused on gaining, keeping, controlling and fixing power.  I feel more than ever before that the pawns are placed in front of us by the real power players and the marketing campaigns carefully strategized to elicit our votes for the chosen candidate.  I’m only a little tiny cog in a great big machine completely oblivious to me or my input.  Were I to write any of the elected officials, I’d get a computer generated form letter back, not unlike the responses to fan mail I used to send when I was ten. 

I mean really, how much more irrelevant to the process can I be?  

 

Spinning

Stupid title.  I can’t sleep. My mind is spinning. I can’t concentrate or stay awake enough to get the papers I need to grade graded and yet, when I try to relax my mind keeps working.  Ugh.  This is what purgatory must be like.  You can’t rest but you can’t work either.  Ack!!!  I hate the end of the grading period…and election day and bill paying day happen to coincide.  Sometimes I just dont’ want to make any decisions.  Today, well, tonight would be one of those times.  So, I’m going to head to bed and hope that I can grade all the papers tomorrow afternoon/evening and still meet my deadlines.  I swear, I’m cutting it real close this time…but my mind is spinning and my heart is racing.  Sigh.