Overgrown Playground Bullies

I was talking to a friend tonight.  The conversation was rambling along quite uneventfully and without warning the conversation took a very wrong turn.  In one simple, surprising, uncalled for, random statement, my friend made a comment that was both sexist and racist.  In one breath he insulted both men and women. My friend was arrogant and insensitive in the extreme. 

I found myself becoming angry.  I was irate.  Had we been in person instead communicating digitally I might have really been tempted to let fly some of my postal perspective upon his puny personage.  As it was, I was fairly direct when I told him what he just said was “arrogant and insensitive”.  Of course, then he thinks I’m taking his comment personally.  He then went further to say that he felt he spoke accurately and that it was his “football and he’s taking it in”.  My thought:  You’ll be taking it in alone for a very long time because who wants to be on that team? 

I quickly ended the conversation but I was still very agitated.  I’m not one to just lose it generally, but certain things, statements, attitudes can entice me to get up on the ole soapbox and tonight, I was baited and I climbed right up on that ole soapbox.  Well, not to him because I ended the conversation with him….but in my wild untamed mind….I was up there hammering away. 

Then I mentally stopped myself and asked, “Why am I giving this so much energy?” 

“Great question,” I responded to myself, and I pondered a bit further.  The fire in the fire pit in my backyard and the soothing waters of my spa definitely helped me take it down a notch. 

I pondered.  Was it that I did take it personally?  No, nothing he said, applied specifically to me nor did it touch on any of my own insecurities.  So what sent me right around the twist with this one?  It eluded me for a wee bit and then it hit me.  It was simply unkind.  It was mean and hurtful.  It was a broad brush statement made that classified all fat women as unattractive and all Mexican men as desperate.  It equated fat with ugly and it implied that fat and ugly women and Mexican men had no other alternatives in the romance department except to be linked to each other.  “After all,” he implied, “They can’t do any better.”  I believe his actual words may have been “that’s the best they’ll ever be able to do”.   Now, I am female, but I’m not fat,  I hope I’m not ugly, and I’m definitely not Mexican, so I know he wasn’t in any way directing this comment at me personally.  Even so, this one riled me. 

It angered me, because it is unkind and it is unfair.  It, as do all disrespectful statements like it, lumps people unfairly in the category of loser, inadequate, desperate, not human.  Not human.  That’s the worst part.  It dehumanized all the folks he was pointing the finger at. And, when we dehumanize others we can insult them, strip them of their right to life, happiness, freedom, choice, whatever, and treat them mercilessly and cruelly.  If we dehumanize them, we can even, if left to our own intolerant and insensitive devices, kill them and make it look like we were justified to do so.  “After all, they’ll never be able to have a better life” or “After all, they deserve it.”  It is the kind of statement that reflects an attitude or perspective that, quite frankly, leads to things like wars and holocausts.  Everything in my being reacts with horror to this kind of attitude. 

I ended my own little pondering feeling a bit better that I had worked through all that quite on my own, all the online therapists being otherwise occupied with other pre-postal candidates.  I realized, once again, that I hate bullies.   When given the option I will side with the underdog every time, just as I did tonight.  I also realized that, at best, my friend is insensitive and unkind.  At worst, he’s a big playground bully in an adult body. That becomes a dangerous thing when a bully like that obtains a position of power and influence.  People then become afraid to say no to the bully and instead they go along with the bully so that they don’t get targeted personally themselves.  So it is in world politics (or it can be) so it is on the playground.  So it is with this person I was talking to tonight.  I can no longer call him a friend. This is just not the kind of character, attitude and energy I want to be around.  I cannot consider anyone who thinks or behaves like this friendly.  There is just nothing friendly or fun about being around an overgrown playground bully.

It Was The Best of Times, It Was The Worst of Times

Music can take me places.  I’m sure you know how that is.  You’re minding your own business and suddenly a song comes on that you haven’t heard in ages and then suddenly you are transported.  You’re completely removed from the present to a different time and place, a world ago, a lifetime ago.  You can smell the smells, feel the feelings and suddenly you are awash in memories like you never left that time or place.  Music transports you.  It transport me.  I was just transported.

I have music all over my house.  I have a small house and don’t have a surround sound, piped in, fancy system like some have.  I do like to “feel” my music. Even as I write this, I have my little 5 CD changer in the kitchen (I have one in nearly every room)  turned up to some ghastly number on the volume dial.  I can feel the reverberations.  But, today, a particular song transported me, and it just came on again and it’s transporting me…again. 

The time was not so long ago.  About this time last year, if my memory serves me well.  The song is K.T. Tunstall’s “Heal Over”.  The events in my life at that time were best described by Charles Dickens in his famous book, “A Tale of Two Cities”.  For me…that time of my life was truly, “the best of times, it was the worst of times”.  I’d left my second husband for the final time.  Divorce proceedings were in process.  It was going to happen.  As a person who walked into marriage the first time with the high fairy tale hopes of “till death do us part”, having to end a second marriage was a devastating blow.  I was in the midst of dealing with that reality and moving back into a house that my ex and his 7 children had just vacated.  And when I mean vacated, I mean vacated.  They took with them things I will be paying for, for many years to come. Things that were purchased at Christmases and birthdays for my children, not his.  And I was left with a house that was little more than a wreck. (No, I’m not bitter or anything.  LOL!) I was embroiled in a battle that had every potential to get very ugly and I was very scared.  It was very possible that I could end up homeless and in debt and, because I had no way to provide for my children, I was afraid I might lose them.  It was the worst of times.

But…it was also the very best of times.  While I was out of my house because I had to leave under police escort to protect myself against a volatile spouse and get what I could in the 20 minutes they allow, I was able to see and experience the goodness and love of friends that I might never have otherwise experienced or known.  I had friends offer me their travel trailer so my youngest and I would have a place to stay for a month while we finished out the school year.  I had other friends offer me a housesitting job while they went vacationing.  That got me through the month, and to the court hearing where I was awarded the house and full custody of my youngest daughter.  And in the background of all of this, K.T. Tunstall’s song, “Heal Over” was playing.  Playing. Playing.  Reminding me of what my mother always used to tell me, “This, too, shall pass.”  And…it did.

I ended up being awarded my house, my ex disappeared rather than creating a crazy scene, I did get all the marital debt but I have my home and don’t have to move four kids out to a rental and worry when I will get 30 days notice so they can put the house up on the market.  I’m safe.  My children are safe and all the fears I had at this time last year have dissipated into nothingness.  But that song, that particular song, takes me back.  It takes me back to a time of uncertainty and transition.  It takes me back to a painfully difficult time of learning to parent on my own, and of learning what it means to be a homeowner.  It takes me back to hot, sweaty days of having to repaint, repair, clean out, fumigate, and scrub, scrub, scrub every surface and cabinet to make my home clean and liveable for my kids and I. I takes me back to spending a month trying to figure out how to clean out a pool, finally having to drain it completely and start over.  It takes me back to days, when filled with fear and uncertainty myself, I had to be strong and hopeful and positive for my children.  It takes me back to days, where we pulled together, attempted things we didn’t possibly think we could handle in a million years, and we did more than just handle them and we did them well! 

That song takes me back.  Heal over?  You bet I’ll heal over.  Make no mistake about it.  

It was the best of times and the worst of times but, funny thing, all I have are good memories.

Having Those Difficult Conversations

Into every relationship some difficulty or tension must fall.  It invariably happens when the two people have differing needs, desires, expections, wants, limitations, boundaries.  I have a friend who says there are no conflicts, just differing wants and needs.  I think he’s delusional.  What happens when your differing wants or needs abuse my right to live peacefully in my own space?  Conflict is what happens, among other things.

I have another friend who shared with me today of his experience with several women who seem to be out of touch with their emotions or, at best, who are unable to admit that the emotion they feel is anger.  So…instead of dealing openly and honestly with the emotions, these people chose to shut down and, well,  get vicious or go silent.  I wanted to say that women aren’t the only ones who are out of touch with themselves and their feelings. 

My last marriage was rife with attempting to deal with a man who was incapable of addressing his emotions in a healthy manner.  Well, I personally am not the psychologist of the world, but I’m not afraid to face the yuck in myself when I need to.  No, it isn’t ever all that fun, but in the end, it is a much more practical and healthy way to go than to try to pretend the problems away by ignoring them.  I tend to want to deal with things straight up rather than ignore them.  This didn’t work well in that marriage as you can imagine. 

I am currently dealing with the same situation with another friend.  Platonic relationship only.  But I recieved an email that said something was bothering him. (I’m thinking, “What could possibly be bothering him?”)  Then he went silent.  I didn’t know what to make of that so, I gave it some time and responded with, “I’d be interested in hearing anything you have to say.”  Silence.   Two days of silence, which wouldn’t be a problem really, had he not said anything.  I would just figure he’s busy with life, as I’ve been.  But, I can’t help wondering if he’s playing some kind of control game here.   If he needs time to process it, great!  I have no problem with that.  Take all the time you need to deal with whatever it is you are feeling.  But…how hard it is to drop a note to that effect?  Or am I simply expecting too much out of the average individual? 

Why can’t people simply make the attempt to figure out what’s bothering them and then ask honestly for what they need? Sometimes life and friendship require that people have those difficult conversations.  One thing I’m certain of, I simply won’t last long in a relationship with someone who is unwilling or incapable of having those conversations when they need to be had.  This doesn’t mean I expect everything in life to be a big serious, introspective discussion either.  It just seems to be pushing into the realm of cowardice when folks avoid having those difficult  conversations.

A Writer Is Only So Good As Their Chair

Technorati Tags: Writing,Personal,Life,Pain,Learning,Students,School

I once heard someone say that a student can only learn as long as their butt doesn’t hurt.  I think a writer is only so good as their chair and only so prolific as their computer’s processor speed.  My chair makes my body hurt.  My computer is old and moving more slowly with each passing day.  My keyboard sticks and I have a million excuses for simply not posting anything tonight…except this complaint forum. 

Okay, forget it.  I’m going to go to bed.

Life is Grand….Life Sucks!

Life is good…life sucks.  I live with these two conflicting realities daily.  I suspect I am not alone.  Today alone life sucked and life was grand all in the same 24-hour period.

To start with, the weather continues to be record-breakingly hot.  And, now, we are having fires in the area which creates smoke and haze.  For me, since I’m not asthmatic, this is not a problem, but the haze has been so heavy that even I am struggling to enjoy breathing when outside.  In addition, I am having to run my air conditioner, which translates into higher electric bills for me.  That part of life sucks.

But, I was awakened this morning by the sound, of all sounds, thunder!  The crisp, loud boom and crackle of thunder followed by the loud pelting of summer rain on my back deck covering was a welcome sound.  It was a warm summer morning rain that brought momentary refreshment to what has been an exceptionally stifling hot summer. That was grand!

Then, somehow, the son, decided he wanted to be argumentative.  You see, today is the day my three older children left to go for two weeks with their dad. He, of course, had not cleaned up his room and therefore I woke him up earlier than the other children so he could get that taken care of before he left.  Yes, I’m a mean mom.  I do expect that my children participate in chores and duties around the house…and a fairly orderly bedroom (not perfect, but orderly) is part of the deal for me.  So, of course, I awakened him far too early and he grumbled and complained.  I had to really hold my ground with him, and since he was really working hard to tick me off (and nearly succeeding) I had to continue to remind myself, this too shall pass.  Life at that moment sucked.

Then, suddenly, the dad arrives, all the kids are tumbling out the door with their possessions and stuff and the house is, at once, wonderfully silent and dreadfully vacant.  Life sucked but it was also grand all in the same moment.

Later today, I was tasked with helping my second oldest find a swimsuit for vacation.  Not an easy task at this time of the year since there is little to choose from in our neck of the woods and also since her dad places such strict requirements on her for her attire.  Searching every store in town sucked. 

But then, finding the right swimsuit, which we finally did, at 70% off, was grand!

Spending the evening completely alone, doing whatever I want, whenever I wanted, was absolutely grand.

Listening to the thunder and anticipating another summer storm (which has not yet materialized) was also grand.

Missing my kids is not so grand. In fact, it sucks.  I walk past their empty (clean, but empty) rooms and I miss them so deeply it physically hurts.  Definitely, a not-so-grand experience.

Life is grand…and yet it sucks…all at the same time.  This is what makes up our human experience. 

And, fortunately for me, today, I did not experience any of those really devastaing blows such as the announcement that a loved one has a terminal disease or that I do.  I didn’t learn that my spouse was no longer in love with me and I did not walk into a number of other very real tragedies that other people in this world are currently experiencing.  I’m thinking of my friend across the country who mourns the loss of his mother who recently passed.  In light of this, I am grateful that my kids love me, they are healthy, I am in good health and of sound mind…well, okay…at least mostly sound mind. I am employed and able to provide for those I am responsible for.  I must conclude that though I am uncomfortable with or don’t like parts of my life, for the most part I really have it pretty good. 

Life today, for me, is more on the grand than the not-so-grand side.  I’m grateful for that.

What side of life are you on and why?

Cat  (a.k.a. The Wild Mind)

Deplorable Behavior of “Theists”

Paul Sunstone over at his blog titled, “Cafe Philos”, has tacked a “Scarlett A” on his sight and declared that he is “pissed at the way atheists are treated in America”.  (See his full article titled, “Standing Up For Nontheists Like Nicole” here.) I agree with him in that the behavior he describes is deplorable.

I am what Paul would prbably describe as a theist.  Worse, yet, I could probably fall quite squarely in the middle of what most people refer to as “the religious right”, though I am neither religious nor right in my behavior or political perspectives.  I have done more than my full day pondering the metaphysics that Paul refers to in his article, and having grown up in an atheist/agnostic home, I have decided for myself that a theist approach is one I prefer. It was not mere rebellion to my parents way of doing things.  It was carefully researched and considered over a number of years and I do revisit the question regularly.  I have also done my share of really skanky things and poor choices.  However,  I am ashamed at the behavior of those “theists” Paul describes.   For those folks, who are out there, who profess a “personal relationship with Jesus Christ” and who are behaving toward anyone, not just theists, but anyone who doesn’t “profess a personal relationship with Jesus Christ”, hateful behavior like this is deplorable and antithetical to the very purposes of Christ. 

I am once again ashamed and saddened by the reality that those who, at least theoretically, ought to have a clear grasp on the good qualities of love, forgiveness, tolerance, kindness, patience, peace, self-control and a whole host of other fine attributes espoused by most theists regardless of their religious leanings, simply do not.  We, and I claim guilt by association not by agreement, ought never to behave this way! 

If Jesus walked the earth today, He would never, ever have treated Nicole or anyone else with such vile hatred or contempt.  Of that, I am absolutely certain.