The Middle of the Night

So, can anyone out there tell me what exactly qualifies as “the middle of the night”?  Is it the middle of the night from the official sunset till the official sunrise or is it simply midnight?  For some people midnight is simply bedtime and the middle of the night for them would be four in the morning.  I don’t know.  All I know is right now, I’m here typing on this dorky little laptop I borrowed from school for the summer.  It is pitch black.  My kids are asleep out in the backyard on the trampoline.  It is dead silent out there and I am WIDE awake.  I have to do something to pass the time till I get the drowsies.  I’ve tried reading.  That didn’t work.  I’m trying this now.  I could probably go take a massive amount of Valerian root and see if I even wake up in the morning.  Hey, j/k, I never take more than the suggested amount of any medicine or supplement, unless a medical professional has advised me that it is safe to do so.  Case in point, I routinely pop four Ibuprofen at a time (200mg.) at certain times of the month and on back to school days.  My mind is also racing, because I spent a good deal of my day checking out blogs.  It is a bit of an artistic venture and I really like looking through them to see what people do with them.  How they title them and set up their various pages, how they write and what they write are fascinating to me.  But then, I suppose, I am easily fascinated.  I’m also stewing around about the fact that tomorrow is the last day of July and then it is back to school month for me.  While I don’t have to head back to school till the 25th of August, it still feels like it is coming up so quickly.  Too quickly.  I have so much to do.  I have more to do this summer than last (Yes, teacher’s always have stuff to work on over the summer.  If they don’t they are dead meat by the second day of school and the school year becomes very brutal very quickly.).  This year I am changing grade levels from first grade to fourth.  I’m excited about it, but this means all my forms, letters, graphic organizers and things I usually post in the classroom have to be recreated with the “cool” grown up fourth grader in mind instead of the wide-eyed, nearly petrified first grader.  (It’s really sad that the first graders don’t get that the teacher is often just as petrified on the first day of school as they are, well, for a few minutes anyway.)  This year, I am also changing classrooms so that will requires some additional effort in terms of thought and unpacking. Then there is that reality that all the stuff I’d created digitally over the last eight years, powerpoints, lessons, plans, schedules, templates, forms, etc. were lost when my jump drive gave up the ghost.  Sigh.  Everything has to be recreated from scratch.  I haven’t even started that project yet. And it is so silent out there.  Even the tree frogs are still and the crickets, while I can hear them, seem to be a long way off.  These are the things I ponder in the middle of the night and even after pondering, I am still no sleepier than when I began.  I mean, I really tired hard to bore myself.  Now, where is that Valerian root?

Cowardice Revised

So, as an addendum to my last post about breaking up via email or IM being a cowardly thing to do, I have come across a perspective I never considered till now.  This perspective presented itself in the form of the opinion of a friend who is of the opposite sex and who is also not afraid to disagree with me on occasion.  He doesn’t always disagree with me and he doesn’t feel he has to disagree just to demonstrate his personhood.  I guess what I’m trying to say is he is simply okay with putting himself out there and he is really okay with whatever he gets back from me even if it isn’t a perfectly synonomous perspective.

After reading my post, he commented, “Hmmm, if a woman doesn’t want to date me I’m not sure I want to spend an hour with her while she goes into all the details of why it isn’t working for her.  I just want to know so I can be done with it.”  He then admitted that his perspective is probably due to the differences between men and women.  I think I probably agree.  I also think that there are degrees of relationship.  If the two people were building something and feelings were starting to grow and develop, it is always a decent thing, I believe to deliver the news as directly as possible. It communicates respect for the person and their humanity.  However, in looking at the same picture through my friend’s lense, I’d have to say, in brutal honesty with myself that I really don’t want to take the time out of my life to have a guy dump on me.  Because, as the single mom of four kids, it would require some scheduling and in the process more emotional energy is expended.  It isn’t energy I mind giving up if I feel that investment in the relationship is a shared feeling.  If it is not, please save me the hassle and let me know and, please, do it sooner rather than later.  I still feel that simply going silent, while it does get the message across, is the biggest form of cowardice there is, especially if you shared any kind of intimacy with the other person.  I am, however, probably willing to relax my perspective and redefine cowardice where the email and IM is concerned, unless, it has been a relationship of significant length or, again, depth.

It’d be nice to hear what others think on the topic.  What is the best way to say good-bye when dating someone?   Again, no judging here on my part.  I don’t want to pick any fights, I simply want to get a feel for what the masses think and why they think it.  I guarantee it will educate this Wild Mind, and maybe help some others as well. Don’t be shy!

Cowardice

I don’t have a clue why people do this.  I would say “men” since I am female and date only men, my experience is only with men, however, I’m certain the scenario occurs for men as well.  The scenario? 

Stupid jerk man dumps woman via email or Instant Messenger.  Chickenshi- is what I call that.  This has happened to me three times in the last ten months.  Well, actually only two, the third situation was an anomaly where the person started emailing me hate mail and asking for booty calls all in the same emails.  I figured he was wacko and just told him, in a really nice way, that I thought we should both move on.  Since it had been two months since he last contacted me, I didn’t figure there was much of a relationship built up.  I’d have easily met in person with him to say the same thing, but my safety became a real concern so I opted out.  That, however, is not my first choice of methods for telling someone I don’t think the “chemistry” is there.  But, truly, given the amount of dating I’ve done and the number of quality relationships I’ve developed, the odds of success are still highly in my favor.  So, why do these two incidences bother me?  Before I answer that question let me give you some background.

First scenario occurred shortly during/after I was divorced.  Probably at my most vulnerable, I was willing and open to most people who attracted me, could speak in complete sentences and appeared fairly decent.  Key word being, “appeared”.  What I’ve learned in the last year of online dating has been the discouraging realization that while men are older, and by that fact should qualify as “adult”, few of them really operate beyond a juvenile high school mentality and hiding behind the digital screen only makes it easier for them to ditch the responsibility of being a decent, honest, respectful human being. My Cinderella expectations at work:  I’d hoped there’d be someone out there who could deal honestly and respectfully with me…face to face.  So far, that has not been the case.  But, I am way off the beaten path here.  First scenario was cute guy, lots in common, six weeks of dating which revealed cute guy was still wrapped up in ex-wife and completely emotionally unavailable and one day out of the blue I receive a Dear Jane email.  If I was halfway across the world fighting in a war, I’d appreciate the honesty, in email form.  Considering the guy lived only a few miles from me, I didn’t think it so considerate.  He could have, at least, been respectful enough to set up a time to go get coffee, or go for a walk and tell me what he was thinking.  In the end, the most disappointing thing about that scenario is that my image of this person as a responsible, mature, respectful individual shattered in that moment.  Even if he wanted to go back and rework things, there was simply no way I could respect a man who thought so little of another person’s being that they couldn’t even talk about a subject like that in person or, at bare minimum, on the phone.  After the shock, surprise, and, yes, relief (that I found out about this character flaw now rather than later) I figured that I ended up the lucky one in that venture and moved on.  But it was still a bit of a painful process to endure.  He was a coward, and it was to my gain to be rid of that earlier rather than later, because cowardice is not something I tolerate well. 

Scenario number two happened recently and really is almost irrelevant in the blip of things. This was a person who contacted me and we met before scenario number one happened, but immediately after that meeting he told me he met someone else.  Yes, this was by email, but since I’d only met him once and had a couple of drinks, I figured it was no big deal and he was doing the right thing to let me know as early as possible.  Hmmm, but if he was seeing someone else, then why did he go out for drinks with me?  Yeah, that question came back to haunt me on occasion later.  Six months later, he contacts me, we go out for dinner, drinks and it was fun, several dates and phone conversations later he goes silent.  No contact, no calls, no explanation.  Now, after telling me he was crazy about me the last time he saw me, that was a bit of a disconnect for me.  Nearly two weeks later of no contact, I buzz in on Instant Messenger and he cuts straight to the chase and gives me the “I think we should both move on” line.  Not like that was any big surprise, but he could have done the decent and courageous thing and invited me out for a walk and talked about it.  He didn’t, however, and suddenly to my surprise, what  started out as a fairly harmless chat turned into a the shocking Dear Jane thing that I hate.  The surprising part about this is he was an accomplished business  person in the community, older than my by 15 years (that placed him at 61) and still didn’t have the guts to have an adult conversation to discuss and clarify where we both were with whatever it was that we had going on.  I was very disappointed.  Not that he was “ending” whatever, but that he was demonstrating his cowardly character so blatantly.  I’d pegged him as a mature and responsible straightforward individual.  Hah!  Boy was I wrong and that is where the disapppointment comes in.

It isn’t that he’s saying what we have doesn’t work for him.  It wasn’t working for me and I’d made at least two attempts to get together with him with the hope that we could talk openly about it as adults are supposedly rumored to be able to do.  He bailed each time.  I knew he wasn’t fully invested.  I would have to be an absolute moron not to pick that up.  But I still wanted to give him the benefit of having an opportunity to talk about it and remain “friends”.  He chose to play chicken and notified me by email. This really says more about who he is than it does about me.  

For starters, what woman wants to entrust her heart to a man who cannot step up to the plate and do the right thing, the courageous thing, even when it is uncomfortable and potentially painful to do? Not me, and not a lot of us out there.  Men like that simply make it harder for the decent guys to get heard. 

Which…means…the decent guys have to work all the harder to really be seen as decent. It becomes an issue of failed trust in the past and the future.  Dealing honestly, directly, respectfully and kindly with the person you are dating is always a good thing.  Asking where someone is at with the situation, checking in and then respectfully sharing where you are might be painful for both of you but in the end, if you address it face to face or (if you live at a distance) by phone, it communicates a level of respect for the other individual.  Email or IM, when the other options are available simply translate as cowardice and disrespect.  I suspect I’m not alone in feeling this way.  In the end, it isn’t what is said, but how it is delievered that leaves the lasting impression. 

So, to prove my point, let me share the example of the very best and most courageous “breakup” or “its not working for me” message I ever received.  This was not a person I was dating but one whom I was in deep “like” with.  I was not in a place where I could pursue any kind of romantic relationship with anyone but had I been able to he would have been top of my list. We worked together but never got involved personally beyond the friendship stage and a time came about six months into our friendship where he felt he needed to put all his cards on the table.  He called me on the phone, since he lives several million hours away meeting in person was not possible, but I’m convinced he would have done the face to face thing if he could have.  Instead, he called me up and diplomatically, sensitively as he knew how and honestly straightened things out.  My admiration for this man went up a million-fold.  Because of how he chose to address what could have been a pretty sticky conversation, my admiration for him increased instead of decreasing.  I have now known this man for two years.  I’m certain that the best thing for both of us is to remain friends.  But I know this, he’d have my back in a pinch and I’d have his.  And, really, that’s the difference. 

We could have had a sticky awkward situation, but he handled it in an adult fashion and we still remain friends to this day.  The saddest thing about those other scenarios of mine is that none of us were able to behave in a way that translated to ongoing respect and future friendship.  Some people don’t care about that, but to me, it is our relationships that enrich our lives.  Even if we date someone a few times and find out it just isn’t going to work long term, isn’t there some redeeming quality in the other person that would make you value them as a friend?  I mean, why would you date otherwise? If you can’t first be friends then why on earth would you consider being romantic, because a long term relationship requires a long term friendship. 

I guess, in the end, courage requires one to behave as an adult and do the respectful, decent thing even if it is scary to do.

Heaven?

Alright, for all you spiritual wannabe theologians, or…okay…regular people who just are living this life…here are some questions for you.  They are one’s I’ve often pondered and, hmmm, well, I kind of wonder if other people ponder these same questions and, if they do or don’t, what do they ponder regarding the existence or nature of “heaven”.

Here are the questions:

1.  Do you believe in Heaven?

 

2.  What is Heaven like?

 

3.  Who gets in to Heaven?

 

4.  How do you get into Heaven…or is there a requirement of any kind?

 

5.  Is there a Hell? 

 

6.  If you believe there is a Hell, who goes there?

 

7.  If you don’t believe there is a Hell…why not? 

Hey, there are no right or wrong answers here as far as I’m concerned.  I personally believe we are all on some sort of journey, but who am I to judge the rightness or wrongness of others’ journeys.  I just simply want to know what the world thinks on these things. 

Love to hear from you.  Make a comment.  It will broaden and enrich me, I know that for sure!

What Good Is A God?

I find it interesting that there are so many blogs out there that deal with spirituality and the need for a god.  Okay, I’m really oversimplifying here, but, these blogs talk about how there are human emotional or psychological needs that require us to invent a god to supposedly “make it” through life.  There are other sites that talk about god as a psychological invention, and still others who consider the human institution of religion as having an evolutionary cause.  All these blogs view God or a god or gods as the creation of some human design.  Now, I really don’t want to get into the logic, flawed or otherwise, of this kind of thinking.  And, I am for the purposes of this discussion, separating, God as diety from the complete human institution called religion. I would like to propose some vital questions to consider:

1.  What good is a god who is created or made up?  Stated differently, why worship something I, myself, or humanity itself, invented?  This is not God, this is imagination, or invention, but it is, by very definition, not God. 

2. If God doesn’t really exist, then none of this matters.  Why are we wasting our time and why do people on both sides of the argument waste their time getting so emotionally involved in this?

3.  If God does exist, doesn’t it by logical reasoning, make sense that He existed before we did, and that He, being God, is calling the shots and not asking our opinion about it, and that He, if He is who He says He is (ahhhh, there’s the catch now, isn’t it?), ought to at least be taken somewhat seriously on His or Her terms instead of our own? 

4.  We speak a great deal of intellect and reasoning, logic and proof in these discussions.  My question is where does faith come into play? Faith cannot be proved by anything other than personal experience which requires trust.

Like I said, if there is no God, then none of this matters, if there is God, then wouldn’t it make sense that nothing else matters or at very minimum all possibilities ought to be carefully examined and logically dismissed only after serious and thorough consideration of those possibilities for deity on the deity’s terms instead of our own preferences?

It’s Not Fair That I’m Having All The Fun!

Really now, for me it has been one of those funtastic years.  I have had more fun with cars than I’ve ever had and more fun than any person should have.  It’s really not fair that I’m having all the fun.  I should share the joy! 

The fun all started last year about this time when my 91 Toyota Corolla decided that the alternator needed to be replaced.  It died on me without warning at a fairly busy intersection in town.  I was recently separated and well, that was a really fun experience.  I had no clue what to do and having been married for the last 2 decades, I was the typical airhead wife (when it came to cars) and left all the car repairs/maintenace up to Mr. Husband.  Not such a smart idea.  But the alternator could go out on anyone at any time.  I’ve since learned that this is just what makes alternators so much fun! 

So, since I was recently separated and very broke (I was paying for my house and for where I was staying both) I had no money to repair the alternator.  I enjoyed the fun of towing the vehicle back to my house and trying to borrow an old car (’86 Nissan Sentra) from the ex.  That car promptly blew the engine (on I-5 at rush hour) due to the fact that Mr. Ex was not one to maintain or service his vehicles on a regular basis.  No oil after a while adds up to no engine.  What fun! 

I do have a 98 Dodge Durango, which, at that time was running fairly well, but which also cost me a fun amount in gas.  I was driving a ton at that time attending class a nearby small university and was falling further and further behind due to having to take out small personal loans just to pay the gas.  More fun.  I decided it would be more practical to stop having so much financial fun with the Durango and get the Toyota repaired, so that is what I did. 

But now, the engine light was still on in the Toyota.  Hmmmm.  What fun.  I decided to do nothing about it at that time.  Even more fun!

Things rolled along rather uneventfully and quite dully for a month or two then last November I started hearing some strange sounds coming out of the Durango.  To make a long story short the funnest thing of all happened to me when early in December (and, yes, it was cold) my Durango dropped it’s rear differential right in the middle of the street about two blocks from my house.  Oh yes, that was a blast!  Everyone needs some wild fun like that.  My son was in the car with me and as soon as the thing stopped shimmying and shaking and I could stop the vehicle he yelled, “Mom!  Get out quick!  I think she’s gonna blow!”  Well, she didn’t blow but two hours and two different tow trucks later they had my pride and joy dollied up and towed back to my house.  It became even more fun when I discovered that the extended warranty wouldn’t cover the repairs and the total cost to me was going to be nearly two grand.  Since I was going through divorce and any extra cash I might have had was paying my attorney, I was really having a lot of fun now!  The tax return was so much fun because it went to pay for that repair.  I’m grateful to the dealership for saving me from having any more fun by storing my car for almost two months free of charge while I waited to get the tax returns. 

And still, during all this time, I am driving my Toyota that still has a check engine light on.  Hmmmm.  How much fun did I really want to have all by myself here?

Well, Durango gets repaired, I get in a small fender bender by myself due to my own tiredness and inattentiveness and now I either turn it into insurance which is a $500 deductible and possibly an increased rate.  What do you think I did?  I opted for more fun and did nothing. 

About two months ago a friend of mine suggested I really quit having so much fun and get the ”Check Engine” light dealt with.  Hmmm,  I did forget to mention the flat tires that happened about that time resulting in the need for me to experience even more fun with two new tires balanced and all the tires rotated on the Toyota.  

Well, I had to wait, but last month I did get the “Check Engine” light checked out and, you guessed it, I was in for some more fun!  I was missing motor mounts and that was causing the O2 sensors to shear off.  Hmmm, what that really means is I got to spend $390 for some more great fun.  The check engine light is now off, but that brings me up to last Sunday, when, on the way to the coast, the Toyota (yes, the car that just got fixed) died.  By now, Triple A, has become my very best friend (hmmm, I think I might marry Triple A). For an hour I sat on I-5 on a Sunday morning waiting for a tow truck to arrive, looking like a complete and utter dork. Like I need a lot of help with that! To top it all off, since I was so close to the freeway, I decided to get myself out of the car and move further off the side of the road.  As I did that, I locked my keys in my car.  Wow!  Was that ever fun!  It really was fun when the state trouper stopped by to see how I was doing.  I nearly died when he pulled out his little white pad and started writing.  Thank goodness, he didn’t want me to have any more fun than I was already having so he just took notes and, when the tow truck finally arrived, he went on his way. 

So here I sit today, with a Durango that is missing a part underneath because of my own stupidity and is making strange clanking noises and a Toyota that needs a new distributor and won’t drive at all.  I’m really having so much fun! I can hardly stand it! The Durango is a fairly easy and inexpensive repair, but it will still cost money (wow, more fun!) and yet, the cost of gas these days (now there’s some fun everyone is having) will make it so that I become a homeless person just to keep the tank full.  Needless to say, even if I repair it, I won’t be driving it much.  The Toyota, on the other hand, is more expensive to repair but will save me dollars in gas.  But, as fun as things have been for me, I still don’t experience all the really great fun of having a lot of dollars lying around in Swiss bank accounts like I used to.  Well, like I said, it’s been a really fun year that way. 

I am really having more fun here with cars than any person has a right to. I mean, I’m really going to hate it when things turn around for me and the fun stops.  In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that it really isn’t fair that I’m hoarding all the fun to myself.  I mean, really, others should be having some of this fun too.  In fact, maybe I should share all this fun I’ve been having.  Hahahaha!  Is anyone up for some fun?